Left DD sobbing in classroom, did I over react?

[geisha]

Waiting for school doors to open this morning I hear a friend of DD's say to her Nanny, "DD said she doesn't care". (Friend had told DD that she had a new tooth growing. I discretely summonsed DD and asked her if she had said this and asked her to apologise to her friend. She burst into tears whilst apologising (normal for DD) and upon returning to me said they were only little words. I replied that yes, they are little but very hurtful words especially coming from a friend. I have left DD is class sobbing. She is not sobbing for what she has done, but sobbing because I told her teacher what she has done and why I have left her upset in the classroom.

DD was on the receiving end of unkind words herself last year, so knows exactly how it feels. I do think I probably over reacted but I am so disappointed she could be unking in anyway to anyone. At home we place so much value on kindness (and trying our best).

A friends mother overheard DD telling her daughter in the classroom after I left - I don't like my mummy!

[geisha]

Reality - thanks. On reflection DD was in a group of 3 girls talking. One being DD, one being friend with new tooth (very quiet & small), one being older girl who is perhaps more a class mate (mixed age class) than friend. I think DD my have been trying to impress older girl at the expense of her younger friend.

Anyway, it's done now. It's dealt with and I think both DD and I have learned something this morning .

[treedelivery]

Good on you geisha. Don't forget the muffin.

[Doodlez]

Now here's a child being Tee'd up for a great big fall, eh?

Geisha, you're setting the bar too high. Your expectations are way beyond a child's reach.

Agree with Merrylegs.

[TheFoosa]

yes Reality is right, I don't generally get involved in playground squabbles and this sort of comment wouldn't even register with me

[Merrylegs]

geisha, you are being too damned gracious about being found Unreasonable.

[treedelivery]

Merrylegs.

The wise woman is eating her buns not throwing them

[geisha]

I'm not tryiing to set her up for a fall and didn't try to humilate her. Only DD (and her little sister) heard the telling off in the playground. Only DD, friend and Nanny heard the apology. Only DD and teacher in the classroom know what the upset has been (unless DD has decided to share it with anyone else). I was discrete throughout. I accept I over reacted and I'm grateful for the different opinions. I'm feeling like a terribly cruel mother now for trying in the only way I knew how to teach DD that unkind words are not acceptable . As I said, hopefully we've both learned something this morning.

[geisha]

merry - think I already knew I had been! Just didn't know how else I could have dealt with it. I know now!

[OrmIrian]

I don't think she needed to apologise. Why should she care? Children can be nasty to each other and I'd discourage real nastiness but that wasn't. Perhaps just a quiet word to her about being kinder to her friends.

However don't fret about it. She'll forget it soon.

[morningpaper]

meh - I think what you did was fine and what I would have done too

[waitingforbedtime]

I wouldnt have made her apologise, what for? Not being interested in someone's new tooth, hardly teh crime of the century and not especially hurtful really. If someone gave my child a card (or in fact apologised) over such a 'misdemeanor' I would think it VERY odd and feel sorry for the kid tbh.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Geisha- I think your reaction would have been correct had she battered the other child, but all she said was 'I don't care'. It's not even that hurtful- she probably doesn't care.

I think you're worried about how it made you look rather than how either of the children felt.

She can't be kind ALL of the time, she's not superhuman! She has to have a little independence of she's going to rebel eventually. Kids say all kinds of things to each other- think of the things other DCs probably say your daughter at school.

The other girl won't even remember it now. The only person who does remember it is you.

She said something 'wrong', she knows now. She has learnt a lesson and you have learnt a lesson, leave it at that.

But I'd give her a slight bit of freedom in the future. You can't control every little word that comes out of her mouth. It's not like she said 'your tooth's shite'.

[2rebecca]

Asking her to apologise was fair enough, although people moaning about their ailments can be tedious to listen to and most of us only don't say we don't care about the other person's minor ailment because we know that's rude, not because we are really interested and upset by other people's aches and pains.
I wouldn't have mentioned it to the teacher and definitely wouldn't make her send a card.
She didn't actually hit the kid in the mouth and cause the sore tooth, she just said she didn't really care if her friend had a sore tooth, which was probably true, if unnecessarily blunt.

[GrimmaTheNome]

I think your DDs friend was ridiculously oversensitive to care whether your DD cared or not.

Bit of a mountain over a molehill isn't it?

[diddl]

But did the other little girl mention it or was it only becausethe nanny asked what was said?

I was probably all done and dusted before the adults got involved!

[Morloth]

I don't understand getting that involved in little kid's "spats" (and it is barely that).

Maybe your DD doesn't care, I would have said "That wasn't very nice" and moved on.

I think you have engineered the upset. Pointless.

[Stigaloid]

I'm a bit perplexed - why should your DD care if someone else has a tooth growing or not? Why is it so unkind to say she didn't really care?

[pruneplus2]

Goodness me. Girls are notoriously scathing towards each other then 10 minutes later are "BFF"'s again.

Unless directly asked to intervene by my cloven hoofed DD or one of her cronies friends I keep well out of the way of any bitching bickering.

My DS has had a group of mates who have been close since they were 3 years old - they are now 11. I can count on one hand how many times DS has come out of school in the last 8 years saying "X and I have fallen out"

DD does it on a daily basis.

[geisha]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I will definately be better equipped to deal with any similar issues in the future.

We won't be sending any cards, I probably won't mention to the other childs mother and in the future I wouldn't mention to the teacher either.

I was bothered how it looked to the Nanny that her granddaughter was bothered enough by something to tell her about it and me being near enough to hear the problem not to do something about it. I was bothered how it looked to the teacher that I was leaving DD in the classroom upset. But I was more bothered that DD was unkind.

[diddl]

But did the little girl tell her nanny, or did nanny ask what was said?

The little girl might not have been bothered at all!

[2rebecca]

I'd presumed it was a hired help sort of nanny.
Small kids tell people all sorts of stuff. At that age I wouldn't feel that meant they were really bothered by it.
If my kids had said that their friend didn't care about their sore tooth I'd have said "of course they don't it's not their mouth that's sore", so maybe grandmother was a bit overprotective as well.

[2rebecca]

I'd also be more concerned as parent at making sure they had some paracetamol and ibuprofen for the pain so they weren't in pain all day.

[geisha]

diddl - the little girl left the conversation to tell her gradmother who was stood directly in front of me what my dd had said. Not sure what difference it makes though? It was my handling of the situation that was the problem.

[geisha]

2rebecca - no pain mentioned, just a new tooth which DD's friend was wanting to tell DD about. They're all 5 so wobbly and new teeth are all quite novel at the mo.