Left DD sobbing in classroom, did I over react?

[geisha]

Waiting for school doors to open this morning I hear a friend of DD's say to her Nanny, "DD said she doesn't care". (Friend had told DD that she had a new tooth growing. I discretely summonsed DD and asked her if she had said this and asked her to apologise to her friend. She burst into tears whilst apologising (normal for DD) and upon returning to me said they were only little words. I replied that yes, they are little but very hurtful words especially coming from a friend. I have left DD is class sobbing. She is not sobbing for what she has done, but sobbing because I told her teacher what she has done and why I have left her upset in the classroom.

DD was on the receiving end of unkind words herself last year, so knows exactly how it feels. I do think I probably over reacted but I am so disappointed she could be unking in anyway to anyone. At home we place so much value on kindness (and trying our best).

A friends mother overheard DD telling her daughter in the classroom after I left - I don't like my mummy!

[HarrumphingAndBosomAdjusting]

Your response was a bit disproportionate. You say your DD often gets upset if confronted. I'm not saying never confront her, but if you suspected she'd cry why not leave it so she wasn't starting the school day in a state? For everyone's sake (yours, hers, teacher's.)
Don't think your DD was being that unkind - I'm not arsed about other people's teeth. The only difference is I'm an adult and have aqquired the social niceties to not say so. Young children haven't yet.
But OTOH, I really respect and admire you for valuing kindness and manners so much. I'd just leave it now, act like it never happened, because the children probably have.

[diddl]

If the little girl left the conversation specifically to tell her gran, then it sounds as if it had bothered her.

In which case I might also have called my daughter over to ask what had happened, & also said that it wasn´t a kind thing to say.

But if I thought the apologising would make her burst into tears I might have left that, or told her to say sorry to her friend in her own time, privately (no audience).

But if she finds apologising so upsetting, is it because she is so distraught at "letting you down"?

[2rebecca]

Oh right, I'd assumed the new tooth was painful and that was why she expected her friend to "care" about it. I suppose at 5 their vocab isn't great but it sounds more like a lack of interest in the new tooth rather than a lack of caring.
I think "I have a new tooth" "so what?" is probably a common conversational pattern at that age. My kids did alot of "so what"ing at primary school, much to my annoyance.
Wouldn't have bothered asking her to apologise in that case. Little kids' spat over nothing in particular.

[malovitt]

I can't stand people saying the actual phrase " I don't care", whatever their age.

It sounds horrible.

[Acinonyx]

Dd (reception) told me something she said to a friend yesterday which I thought was VERY unkind . I had a chat with her to try and make her understand why it was unkind (just saying it's ukind is not enough if they don't understand - they struggle to understand these subtelties at this age).

This was to a friend we had invited to visit today I am rather mortified. I gather that she has said something similar to another friend and I talked to that mother this morning I don't want to get over-involved but IMO kind behviour is largely taught by grown-ups so there is a duty and responsibility there - e.g. do as you would be done to, not as others do.

Like you though - I was really deeply shocked that dd, who has always seemed very sensitive and kind - could be so thoughtless and unkind to her friends. I'm also shocked at how shocked I am - probably you and I both need to chill out a bit and remember they are only very little still.

[geisha]

2rebecca - no pain mentioned, just a new tooth which DD's friend was wanting to tell DD about. They're all 5 so wobbly and new teeth are all quite novel at the mo.

[geisha]

diddl - the little girl left the conversation to tell her gradmother who was stood directly in front of me what my dd had said. Not sure what difference it makes though? It was my handling of the situation that was the problem.

[2rebecca]

I'd also be more concerned as parent at making sure they had some paracetamol and ibuprofen for the pain so they weren't in pain all day.

[2rebecca]

I'd presumed it was a hired help sort of nanny.
Small kids tell people all sorts of stuff. At that age I wouldn't feel that meant they were really bothered by it.
If my kids had said that their friend didn't care about their sore tooth I'd have said "of course they don't it's not their mouth that's sore", so maybe grandmother was a bit overprotective as well.

[diddl]

But did the little girl tell her nanny, or did nanny ask what was said?

The little girl might not have been bothered at all!

[geisha]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I will definately be better equipped to deal with any similar issues in the future.

We won't be sending any cards, I probably won't mention to the other childs mother and in the future I wouldn't mention to the teacher either.

I was bothered how it looked to the Nanny that her granddaughter was bothered enough by something to tell her about it and me being near enough to hear the problem not to do something about it. I was bothered how it looked to the teacher that I was leaving DD in the classroom upset. But I was more bothered that DD was unkind.

[pruneplus2]

Goodness me. Girls are notoriously scathing towards each other then 10 minutes later are "BFF"'s again.

Unless directly asked to intervene by my cloven hoofed DD or one of her cronies friends I keep well out of the way of any bitching bickering.

My DS has had a group of mates who have been close since they were 3 years old - they are now 11. I can count on one hand how many times DS has come out of school in the last 8 years saying "X and I have fallen out"

DD does it on a daily basis.

[Stigaloid]

I'm a bit perplexed - why should your DD care if someone else has a tooth growing or not? Why is it so unkind to say she didn't really care?

[Morloth]

I don't understand getting that involved in little kid's "spats" (and it is barely that).

Maybe your DD doesn't care, I would have said "That wasn't very nice" and moved on.

I think you have engineered the upset. Pointless.

[diddl]

But did the other little girl mention it or was it only becausethe nanny asked what was said?

I was probably all done and dusted before the adults got involved!

[GrimmaTheNome]

I think your DDs friend was ridiculously oversensitive to care whether your DD cared or not.

Bit of a mountain over a molehill isn't it?

[2rebecca]

Asking her to apologise was fair enough, although people moaning about their ailments can be tedious to listen to and most of us only don't say we don't care about the other person's minor ailment because we know that's rude, not because we are really interested and upset by other people's aches and pains.
I wouldn't have mentioned it to the teacher and definitely wouldn't make her send a card.
She didn't actually hit the kid in the mouth and cause the sore tooth, she just said she didn't really care if her friend had a sore tooth, which was probably true, if unnecessarily blunt.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Geisha- I think your reaction would have been correct had she battered the other child, but all she said was 'I don't care'. It's not even that hurtful- she probably doesn't care.

I think you're worried about how it made you look rather than how either of the children felt.

She can't be kind ALL of the time, she's not superhuman! She has to have a little independence of she's going to rebel eventually. Kids say all kinds of things to each other- think of the things other DCs probably say your daughter at school.

The other girl won't even remember it now. The only person who does remember it is you.

She said something 'wrong', she knows now. She has learnt a lesson and you have learnt a lesson, leave it at that.

But I'd give her a slight bit of freedom in the future. You can't control every little word that comes out of her mouth. It's not like she said 'your tooth's shite'.

[waitingforbedtime]

I wouldnt have made her apologise, what for? Not being interested in someone's new tooth, hardly teh crime of the century and not especially hurtful really. If someone gave my child a card (or in fact apologised) over such a 'misdemeanor' I would think it VERY odd and feel sorry for the kid tbh.

[morningpaper]

meh - I think what you did was fine and what I would have done too

[OrmIrian]

I don't think she needed to apologise. Why should she care? Children can be nasty to each other and I'd discourage real nastiness but that wasn't. Perhaps just a quiet word to her about being kinder to her friends.

However don't fret about it. She'll forget it soon.

[geisha]

merry - think I already knew I had been! Just didn't know how else I could have dealt with it. I know now!

[geisha]

I'm not tryiing to set her up for a fall and didn't try to humilate her. Only DD (and her little sister) heard the telling off in the playground. Only DD, friend and Nanny heard the apology. Only DD and teacher in the classroom know what the upset has been (unless DD has decided to share it with anyone else). I was discrete throughout. I accept I over reacted and I'm grateful for the different opinions. I'm feeling like a terribly cruel mother now for trying in the only way I knew how to teach DD that unkind words are not acceptable . As I said, hopefully we've both learned something this morning.

[treedelivery]

Merrylegs.

The wise woman is eating her buns not throwing them

[Merrylegs]

geisha, you are being too damned gracious about being found Unreasonable.