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AIBU?

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Original poster

to consider reporting friend to SS?

456 replies

sillysalley · 14/10/2009 22:42

I have a friend who's approach to parenting is just ... well ... worrying really.

Her and her husband have a crazy fascination with keeping the house like a show home and nothing else seems to be of importance other than that. I cant emphasise how much of a fascination it is, not just that they have a tidy house but things like
no baby gates allowed
children not allowed toys anywhere other than their bedroom
children not allowed to sit on the expensive leather sofa if they are wearing clothes with buckles and belts etc

Well i visited recently and their 2 year old is still not speaking (not even a single word, he makes very little noise)

Then she told me something that really worried me. Her 2 year old was really ill recently and she had to send for an ambulance because he could hardly breathe. She said
'I could hear him in his cot struggling to breathe, i was so panicked because it took me ages to get to him, trying to untie all the rope around his door handle to get into his room'

I presume the rope is to stop him going out of his bedroom in the night, as they wont have baby gates becuase they damage the walls.

Then she went on to say the hospital wanted her 2yo to stay in for the night but she refused and took him home.

I cant believe that HV or the hospital have not picked up on this, but I am truly worried. The thing is she isnt the kind of person you could approach about the issue. So all I can think of is an anonymous referal the SS.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
TigerBitesAgain · 16/10/2009 08:08

Well, I think the most shocking thing here - apart from the bonkerness of the premise in the first place - is the behaviour of the HV.

Sillysally, you like reporting people: don't you think it's your duty to report the HV now for her totally unprofessional breach of confidence? Or is that ok?

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 16/10/2009 08:15

I would ring them

Sakura · 16/10/2009 08:28

Chunkeymonkeysmum,
you are wrong about kids not being bothered about the punishment. Its a proven fact that smacking does not work/or washing mouth out with soap or any other "punishment" you can think of.
What happens is that kids who are punished this way end up becoming naughtier and doing worse things, then the parent simply escalates the punishment/abuse. One reason it does not work is the childs pride. It is so humiliating to be smacked or have your mouth washed out with soap that the child will act as though it doesnT matter to him, when in fact it horrifies him.
Also, children hardly ever equate the punishment and the crime i.e they forget the reason they were punished, and what they did wrong, and all they remember is that their parent arbitrarily (in their eyes) physically abuses them.

MonkeyPoo · 16/10/2009 09:00

Well done OP - you totally did the right thing. Although there might be a confidentiality issue with what the HV told you, it shows why it's important to discuss any concerns about a child's safety.
So often people think concerns aren't 'serious enough' to warrant reporting, however, it's often the case that once highlighted, other people had concerns too. i.e. in retrospect, serious patterns of abuse can become apparent. Child protection is everyone's responsibility imo.

StealthPolarBear · 16/10/2009 09:27

"Sillysally, you like reporting people"
that was bitchy

Broke · 16/10/2009 09:31

The HV will no doubt have gone round for a chat anyway they always do after a child has been to hospital.
Well SS (what an appropriate name) glad you feel pleased with yourself and I hope this lady finds out about your interferring and gives you a dose of your own medicine I'm sure you are far from perfect too.

hotpotato1 · 16/10/2009 09:32

jvbay -The part of my post you picked up on was a quote from further up the board which i was I was questioning !!

skinsl · 16/10/2009 09:32

i must be missing something.... you basically reported this woman because she is using the patent rope trick method to keep a child in their bedroom???? and she is particular about her house????????????
And maybe she couldn't bear to leave her child in the hospital.
And how many children of 2 don't speak?!
Toddler Taming, chapter 12, page 159 in my copy......... not saying I agree with it, but it's there.
I cannot believe you did this.........

Broke · 16/10/2009 09:33

No skinsl that's the jist, with friends like her who needs enemies eh ?

StealthPolarBear · 16/10/2009 09:34

Broke were you the one who reported the HV saying "I'm not going to tell you who reported you but I'm going to leave my pad here and use your loo"?
Nice vitriol

Broke · 16/10/2009 09:37

No Stealth you have completely the wrong end of the stick - that was what a social worker said to my cousin when some nasty cow at the school gates reported my cousin because her daughter had nicer clothes than the other children so the other parent decided my cousin must a drug dealer.
What some of you don't realise is that SS have to investigate every stupid phone call they recieve so rubbish like this stops children in need being helped as there are only so many hours in the day.

TigerBitesAgain · 16/10/2009 09:38

Stealth - yeah, maybe it was but frankly this thread makes me want to weep. And seriously if what SS says about the HV is true, that's really quite serious: some of us might think more serious than SS's friends choice in decor and parenting choices. SS clearly has time on her hands to stick her beak in. So....

Sassybeast · 16/10/2009 09:42

OP - you did totally the right thing.

StealthPolarBear · 16/10/2009 09:45

well i think what that HV did is disgusting then, absolutely beyond belief. How many children will suffer now because people around them are scared of being punched because their report's not being kept anonymous. I hope she's proud, she deserves sacking. In fact she deserves being locked in a room for 12 hours.
Maybe if more people acted when they saw a child possibly in danger fewer children would suffer. I hope ss has got it wrong, but on the tiny chance she hasn't I'm glad she did what she did.

StealthPolarBear · 16/10/2009 09:46

"SS clearly has time on her hands to stick her beak in. So.... "
so beak out and damn the child. Have to go, this thread is making me furious

pooexplosions · 16/10/2009 09:48

Those of you shouting "report" are conveniently forgetting that often, its not a case of better safe than sorry, no harm no foul. If you get reported to SS, and are found to have done nothing wrong, it doesn't just disappear, there are files kept, rumours abound, you can be checked up on for years. All you need is one over zealous or badly trained official and you could have your children on an at risk register because someone thought your house was too tidy...

mud sticks. You can ruin peoples lives with unwarranted allegations.

StealthPolarBear · 16/10/2009 09:51

and children can die or come to seruous harm if you don't.
but hey, the fucking adults are ok

katiestar · 16/10/2009 09:54

I really don't see how 'the patent rope trick ' is any different to a stair gate - except of course most self-respecting children can get over them by 2.5!)
If a child of 2 is mot even babbling , the first thing I would think would be 'has he some hearing difficulty ?', not his his house too tidy !!
A part of me wonders whether OP is perhaps envious of her friends shoe house !

katiestar · 16/10/2009 09:55

LOL SHOW house !!

Broke · 16/10/2009 09:55

Stealth - yet again not readfing what's written - it wasn't a HV - it was a social worker, who knew that the informant was malicious but was forced to act upon it.

I'll say one thing though, nobody will be getting through my front again I will not be judged and reported upon in my own home.
If we as woman cannot support each other through parenthood then they've won,. we're now all terrified of each other being either abusers or reporting on each other for not doing it the right way. Divide and concur.
Welcome 1984

gorionine · 16/10/2009 09:55

A bit besside the point but what should be the "correct" amount of mess/tidyness in a house to not be suspected of abuse? What is too tidy or too messy?
Anyone coming onto my house before 10 o'clock in the morning would think I am a terribly messy person and if you come nearer to lunch time it is really clean (does not last long though) so am I right to think that making links between how the house looks and child abuse might not be very accurate?

Sassybeast · 16/10/2009 09:56

Pooexplosions - that's bollocks and a hugely innacurate generalistion.

TigerBitesAgain · 16/10/2009 09:57

Stealth - what danger,honestly, do you think this child is in?

Going right back to the OP:

  • the house is tidy
  • the child came back from hospital
  • the child doesn't speak as well as the OP thinks they might
  • the rope thing. Which, whatever one might think about it, is something suggested in a popular parenting book.

The OP says it's the latter which causes her concern. So not the other things which were mentioned gratuituously. It may or may not be a daft thing to do, but FGS reporting it is just completely way over the top. Honestly, it beggars belief that people think this should be reported to "the authorities". Should one report parents who let their kids ride bikes without helmets? Or feed them too much junk food? Or make other parenting choices which one doesn't approve of?

The OP could, for example, have spoken to her friend about it. That might be what a friend is for. Or she could have sent her this thread so her friend could see what people think about the rope thing. But oh no, the OP has to "voice her concern" formally. And gets gratuitious information from the HV in return (or says she does).

This is one of the most unsettling threads I've read on MN. Makes me want to go and live off the grid, frankly.

Rant over.

StealthPolarBear · 16/10/2009 09:58

i'm sorry your cousin was reported maliciously (and apologies for HV/SW mix up, red mist ) but I do not agree with what he/she did. Although there should be a way to investigate & prosecute the reporter. if there isn't then that's shit too.

DailyMailNameChanger · 16/10/2009 09:59

Stealth, SSD spend a lot of their time working through malicious reports. It is a huge waste of their time and resources. Sometimes, unoffically, when they look at a situation and see it for what it is they also assess the parent and teh liklihood that they are going to go around and punch the person for reporting them. If the SW decides that all is well and the parent is not a loon they may well accidentally let it slip because then the parent has the chance to ensure these phonecalls do not happen again - better for the parent, the child and SSD.

If you trust them to assess if a child is in danger or not then they should really be able to assess if a parent is a danger or not. Yes it could go wrong but they have to do something to enable them to help the people who really need it.

I was reported to SS so many times during an acramonious divorce that they stopped visiting and just rang me up for a chat. They were going in at the rate of one per week at one point for the most ridiculous things like "she hasn't polished their shoes, she must be abusing them". The thing is, he was getting his GF to do it annon thinking it wouldn't be traced back to him (yes he is not very bright). Having been given that information I was able to explain to her the reasons I had put on my divorce petition (which were uncontested). Suddenly the calls stopped and he was single again. If I had not known who was doing it then I could not have done anything about it and SSD would probably still be being called each week! I know it is by the book wrong but it was the sensible thing to do in this case!

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