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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that the only thing more irritating than a pg woman who refuses to alter her lifestyle at all is...

54 replies

OracleInaCoracle · 14/10/2009 09:00

a pg woman who has suffered a mc and refuses to change her lifestyle at all during pg?

now, I'm aware that I may get flamed for this and that I may be over sensitive on this subject but I know someone who is almost 30w pg. she has continued to smoke, drink and take drugs throughout her pg, when i expressed surprise she said "i don't see why i should change my life at all". while this annoys me, I save my rants for the safety of my own home and dh's exhausted sympathetic ears. was chatting to her the other day and she mentioned that she has previously had a mc. i was gobsmacked.

i tend to put a lot of upsetting/insensitive comments down to ignorance and bite my tongue an awful lot.

so, AIBU?

OP posts:

fernie3 · 14/10/2009 09:07

I also hate to see pg women smoking, and things like taking drugs worry me becuase that child will one day have to live with her! (if you see what I mean).
Im not sure about the miscarraige though I dont know how much smoking and drugs could cause that - I have had 4 and never done any of these things

so you are not being unreasonable but theres not much you can do about it!

sophie

ParisFrog · 14/10/2009 09:10

YANBU

Disenchanted3 · 14/10/2009 09:11

yanbu

starwhoreswonaprize · 14/10/2009 09:16

YANBU

There will be people who start crapping on about her body her choice, you can't force people to be 'human' during their pg. But I think if you choose to have a baby you give up the right to make choices that can harm your baby.

Oh and then there will be those talking about horse riding and skiing and crossing a road.....blah blah blah.

Jux · 14/10/2009 09:22

starwhoreswonaprize, are you suggesting that people who don't give up smoking etc are.......

aliens!??????????

Oh wow, we're surrounded

MrsBadger · 14/10/2009 09:24

yanbu

re 'not changing her life at all' she is in for the very devil of a shock when the baby is born and may well need your support then, so bite your tongue noe.

sarah293 · 14/10/2009 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PoisonToadstool · 14/10/2009 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparechange · 14/10/2009 09:27

Star, what do you mean by talking about horseriding and skiing and crossing the road? That those things are harmful, or not?

cory · 14/10/2009 09:29

I am in two minds about this. On the one hand, yes if it was me I would feel obliged to do my hardest to make necessary alterations etc etc.

But otoh, I was in the ante-natal ward with a lot of these women, and tbh they were scared shitless by the whole thing: the last thing they were capable of doing at that particular time was do away with the prop that kept them more or less together.

Yes, it looks dreadful when someone you know is in there with IUGR sneaks out to have a quiet fag (a known factor in IUGR) by the front door. But otoh when you've got to that stage of panic, you're not thinking logically. Of course they are wrong and YANBU. It's just that they may not be capable of acting on that.

Lulumama · 14/10/2009 09:31

i have less of an issue with drinking, unless it is heavy drinking and some of the food rules can be a bit heavy handed BUT smoking and taking drugs are a step too far

the risks of smoking in pregnancy have been known for decades and there is help out there to quit or at least cut down, with lots of trusts having a smoking cessation midwife.

does she not understand or know the risks or is she choosing to ignore them?

starwhoreswonaprize · 14/10/2009 09:35

I'm saying that in previous threads regarding smoking during pg posters have argued that other things are just as risky but not as demonised, like horse riding and skiing.

PixiNanny · 14/10/2009 09:35

YANBU. My nan (foster carer) takes in so many newborns with addictions (at the very least, many are born prem and nobody wants to adopt them because of 'uncertain futures' ) because their mothers refused to quit drugs during their pregnancies. It's truly disgusting.

notevenamousie · 14/10/2009 09:35

You can't help your gut reaction after all that you have been through.

But she can't help how she feels either. You need to rant, I understand that, but objectively... life is very different for others. And I agree, it's not fair.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2009 09:42

YANBU. But some people have an incredibly passive approach to their life - it happens to them, rather than them directing their life iyswim. There's a disconnect between their own actions and what then happens to them, no sense that they have any control over their life. Sad enough to live that way if your actions affect only you, but doubly sad if it affects others so directly as this situation could.

scottishmummy · 14/10/2009 10:04

the old adage people only change if they want to,is applicable here.and for some people pg is not a compelling enough reason to pack in the weed/fags/booze

people need volition and motivation to change.

on the other hand most pg mums make some adjustments

of course there are always the annoying we are pregnant 9mth running commentary of halo polishing,how glowing and complete as a woman they are, earth goddess types. they give me the heave ho too

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 14/10/2009 10:16

see, I do understand the "my body, my choice" argument. and pre-ds I was one of those annoying "never did me any harm" brigade. but the mc's have forced me to totally rethink my lifestyle. i no longer drink because getting (and staying) pg is more important to me than a night out. i don't smoke (although i did pre-ds) because of the risks of mc associated with smoking. i dont take drugs (although before i knew i was up-duffed with ds i got horrendously stoned) because i want another baby more than i want to get wasted. im just surprised that having had a mc she is willing to take the risks. there is always an element of "it would never happen to me" and ive found that for many women it happening to them is a bit of a wake up call.

OP posts:

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn · 14/10/2009 10:19

YANBU one bit lissie

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 14/10/2009 10:21

oh, and she also wants her baby to come early ("as soon as possible"), apparently it doesnt matter if he/she is a little small

OP posts:

RealityBites · 14/10/2009 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NestaFiesta · 14/10/2009 10:24

YANBU.

I've had one healthy DS, then 2 mc, and had to have a termination for pg 4 after an appt with genetic specilaists. On leaving the hospital having had very bad news about our unborn daughter, I had to walk through a group of 9 month pregnant women from the maternity ward who were all having a fag. I wanted to scream at them. they didn't know how lucky they were and they were still jeopardising it.

I'm no saint but I chain smoked for 17 years and stopped forever the second I saw that blue line with DS1. I therefore feel a little bit justified in criticising women who say its too hard to give up.

PS- Cory- what is IUGR? x

scottishmummy · 14/10/2009 10:41

IUGR - intra uterine growth reduction.small baby in uetro as result of pre-eclampsia, smoking (Maternal smoking causes 30 to 40% of cases of IUGR) drugs,alcohol

MrsBadger · 14/10/2009 10:46

intra-uterine growth retardation

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 14/10/2009 10:52

i really think that having a mc changes the way you look at pg. when i was pg with ds i

got hammered with lil sis on 3 bottles of wine (each) and was a heavy drinker anyway.

got so stoned i had to be put to bed

climbed on the restaurant roof at night in the middle of torrential rain to clear gutters

smoked 20 a day

and was anorexic with a low bmi.

and while i stopped all those things when i got my bfp and haven't gone back (apart from the odd drinking session and recurring weight issues which i now control) until my 1st mc it was at the back of y mind that i did this while pg and ds was fine. it didnt occur to me that maybe i was just lucky. then i mc'd and i knew that i would do anything to reduce the risks of it ever happening again. i now accept that there is nothing more i can do. but if there were, then i would do it.

am i making sense?

OP posts:

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn · 14/10/2009 11:02

you are making sense my lovely x

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