to think that the only thing more irritating than a pg woman who refuses to alter her lifestyle at all is...

[OracleInaCoracle]

a pg woman who has suffered a mc and refuses to change her lifestyle at all during pg?

now, I'm aware that I may get flamed for this and that I may be over sensitive on this subject but I know someone who is almost 30w pg. she has continued to smoke, drink and take drugs throughout her pg, when i expressed surprise she said "i don't see why i should change my life at all". while this annoys me, I save my rants for the safety of my own home and dh's exhausted sympathetic ears. was chatting to her the other day and she mentioned that she has previously had a mc. i was gobsmacked.

i tend to put a lot of upsetting/insensitive comments down to ignorance and bite my tongue an awful lot.

so, AIBU?

phew i kknow this has been done to death and i am over sensitive on these issues, but i cant get my head around it. i understand addiction and how people can struggle to give up things while pg, but surely most people try?

addiction is a powerful compulsion and behavioural,mental state.unfortunately it isnt as easy as just trying to give up.addiction seeps into very aspect of life eg behaviour,choice of friends,daily activities,attitudinal beliefs

in reality most addicts undertake 5-6 attempts at giving up and some form of intervention/rehab before achieving abstinence or reduction

Excellent post reality, sm agree with you too.

For a lot of people it isn't as easy as "well just stop then" which is always said on these trheads, usually by people who have never been addicted to anything and usually backed up by one lucky person who was able to just "stop".

However cory YANBU to feel that way about your friend, it must be very upsetting to see, and the low birth weight thing is - maybe she says it as a very flimsy way of explaining behaviour which she can't control so it's her rationalisation? I don't know. She will need a lot of support when the baby arrives though - as other have said.

can i just add, IUGR doesnt always have a cause, I havent drank since before conceiving ds, never ever smoked or touched drugs, didnt have pre eclampsia, shit just happened! Luckily he wasnt really small 6lb 3, but hes 2.5 now caught up size wise and is perfectly normal.

And OP YANBU!!!

yes IUGR doesnt always have a known cause.i had early baby

Pretty much what Lulu said really

I was on an antenatal ward with twwo otehr people with IUGR and it was asumed I was a secret smoker becuase the otehrs were, and they muct see a lot of that 'OOh no not me MW, I never smoked a thing'.

Whcih really narked me off, because I never did smoke and gave up the rest once PG.

I know its hard to do but as a very minimum cut right back. Every time I see a PG woman with a cig I feel sad.

Oh and Lissie you do make sense

Mum lost 5 for different reasons (1 rubella damage and termination). To have me she took to bed and gave up her job that she adored and could never get back to.I know when people carry on regardless it makes her fume- if she culd do it why can't someone else if they really want a baby?. Reality is perhaps wider that that (and there are degrees of want) but I totally understand why she thinks like that with her history.

phew, glad Im not just being really judgey. i think an awful lot of women do think "it'll never happen to me" and i know that before my 1st mc i didn't even consider that things would ever go wrong. and i remember being told that i had mc'd and genuinely not understanding what had happened. even now a small part of me is surprised when things go wrong. but there is an element of "i could do it, i could keep at bay an eating disorder that i have struggled with since i was 9, stop smoking and make significant changes to my lifestyle above and beyond taking folic acid, surely someone who has already experienced the trauma of mc should at least take basic steps." because these are basic steps.

See, I do think you are being judgey though. I really couldn't work up the energy to give a shit what anybody else does while pregnant- that's their lookout. I certainly wouldn't be irritated by it.

But I have been poorly for ages now and am really fed up, so maybe I am just being a grouch?

but its not necessarily what she is doing (as i said, i undestand the "never did me any harm" argument) im im surprised that she has such a dismissive attitude when she has already mc'd. i suppose i just cant understand it. sorry you atre ill though, whats up?

Just a sinus infection, but the lack of sleep and having no energy is making me vile. Thanks for asking though- I feel bad now

lol, nonsense, this is AIBU after all hope you feel better soon. sinus infections are pants!

We are far too civilised for this section of the board, aren't we? Heehee- and I like your Halloween name

YANBU bit of a sore point at the moment for us.

DS has just been diagnosed with a condition that is going to make his life very difficult. It is very probably (though not definately) down to his birth mother's binge drinking and drug taking during her pg. He know has to have an MRI to see if/how much of his brain is damaged.

Do you know that 1:100 children are affected by conditions on the fetal alchohol syndrome spectrum? (did I spell any of that right?)

I have noticed that pg women do have to put up with an awful lot advice nowdays (compared to when I was pg with DD and DS1). Its annoying and patronising when you are told you really 'should avoid tea' and given no reason why. So I sympathise with those pg women who feel like rebelling. But giving up toxic substances is part of your responsiblity as a grown up.

Che (and Lissie) at the SN rugby group we attend, a large number of the foster kids who ahve attended over the years have had FAS. Makes me so angry deep down that their lives have been so affected by parental decisions, and yes in a tiny bit that the tiny resources avilable are being shared out for kids who never, ever should have needed any help at all but for their fuckwit aprents (bear in mind that these children were allr emoved or given up which is most of where the judgeyness comes in).

I recognise this isn't my most balanced line of thought but those parents had a choice I never had- perhaps that's what amkes me grrrrr?

I think there is a great big difference between a pregnant smoker who is trying to minimise the no. of cigs smoked during pg and worrying that their baby is going to be affected versus the pregnant smoker who doesn't give a damn about the baby and will smoke as many as she wants (like the OP's friend).

I felt utterly broken when I was in hospital with pg complications - I was terrified that DS was going to die (which was a real risk, not just me worrying) and there was a girl in hospital with me who was just in there for induction because she was overdue going out for cigs all the time. The girl in the bed next to me was also in for complications and she was terrified for her baby as well and sat in her bed crying whilst this other girl went smoking. It was horrible.

lissie, why are you friends with the person you describe in the OP????????

YeP peachy I find it a little hard to be balanced about this too.

I do understand how difficult addictions are. I do sympathise with women who are struggling to beat a destructive habit. I cannot feel ok about women who continue to do seriously dangerous things whilst pg. I am not talking about the odd fag or glass of wine, I mean drugs and regular drinking etc. The damage it does cannot be ignored.

chegirl and peachy, its shite and makes me so angry. 9 months, thats all it is.

crokky, when i was in for my ep there was a woman in a different ward who was a junkie and 5m pg, she would shout that she didnt want this f*cking baby anyway. broke my heart. (the woman from my op isnt a friend btw, just someone i know through work )

What's the solution then for addicts?

YANBU in the slightest
Friend of DPs came to stay , smoked non stop, drank at least 2 bottles of wine each night then 2 weeks later told us she was 12 weeks pregnant but had not said anything on her visit as wanted to wait till 3 months

How is your nephew BTW and did he like the bedding? x

kimi, he loved it. thank you. he is good now. in foster care, which is sad but best for him. new baby will be adopted as soon as he/she is born and cousin has lost all access to both boys.

imsonottelling, i really don't know. i suppose i would hope that they would at least try to get clean.

Glad he is doing well, lucky to have such a lovely Auntie

YANBU but people just don't care sometimes do they?

See many people round where I live out drinking whilst heavily pg makes me want to shake them.

Riven do you really think that your dcs probelems were caused by 1 tablet?? Seems like a tiny amount of medication to cause a problem. Medication is not really same as drink/fags/drugs though is it?

Riven

Do you remember yearsago I said I was worried that ds3's sn might have been caused bu an injury from ds1? You told me off for fixating on it and as i could never know, to let it go.

Take your own advice girl (was goodadvice).