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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you make a huge fuss every time your child falls over, you're not doing them any favours?

146 replies

SCARYspicemonster · 08/10/2009 13:13

My toddler (in common with most of them I expect) quite often trips up when we're walking down the road. He never cries when he does, just picks himself up and I say 'oh dear, never mind' or something similar.

Today was walking along and there is a woman coming towards me with a child of a similar age who trips and falls over. Not badly and not hurt as far as I can see. Her mum stopped and made a huge fuss and the child started sobbing as if they'd really hurt themself but from what I could see, there were no injuries.

Surely we want to encourage our children to have a bit of stoicism or school's going to be hell?

Am prepared to be flamed for this

OP posts:
peanutbutterkid · 08/10/2009 18:26

Well, I am going to say a tiny sort-of YABU because it was just one moment that OP witnessed, and it may be the child was already having a rough day and deserved some fussing over.

DS5yo falls over 8 times a day (badly). He has always been like that, howls the world down each and every time, too. I only respond very S L O W L Y nowadays, I'd go mad otherwise. He is incredibly boisterous, but I am sure I treated DD the same, and she's not boisterous, she just didn't (doesn't) fall over so often!!

Injury is a bragging opportunity in our household: "Oooh! What a cut, maybe even worse than your sister's" or "That's an almighty bruise, be sure to show Daddy!", etc.

GoldenSnitch · 08/10/2009 18:27

I never did get the 'naughty table/chair/floor/etc' thing. What is hitting an inanimate object going to do other than hurt your hand?

I don't like teaching retailiation.

We're an "oh dear, up you get, off you go" household too

franklymydear · 08/10/2009 18:30

i ignore any child who doesn't have at least a limb hanging off

pigletmania · 08/10/2009 18:33

Totally agree YANBU i hate it when parents to this, if dd 2.7 years falls over and i have always done this, I say your ok up, you get brush, you hands off, you will live etc. So when she does fall over she gets up no fuss and just carries on. I do admit i made a big fuss when dd just learnt to walk was walking down a path tripped and fell on her head, her feet stayed put and her body propelled forward she was bleeding poor thing and was in distress.

pigletmania · 08/10/2009 18:37

It really depends on its seriousness i am not some hard cow

pranma · 08/10/2009 18:39

I just say 'upsa daisy'and carry on unless there is an obvious injury when I whip out the wipes for the injury,a choccy button for the screaming mouth and a quick hug.

piscesmoon · 08/10/2009 19:03

I don't think that sweets are a good idea-I wouldn't want them to be used as a comfort later in life. I also don't understand the naughty table/floor type thing- it is giving the message that something has to have the blame. Accidents happen-children are careless or adventurous.

3LegsandNoTail · 08/10/2009 19:10

YANBU

I'm from the 'Jump up, you're all fine' school of thought but the looks I get from some mothers (and only mothers I've noticed) say "you neglectful parent, how dare you let your child fall over and NOT weep over their injuries".

Yesterday I had 3 mums rush to help dd up after she'd tripped - and I was standing right next to her!! She's perfectly capable of getting herself up....

sweetnitanitro · 08/10/2009 19:19

Another "oh dear, up you get" mum here. I was at a neighbour's house the other day and DD fell over (she's just learning to walk) and the neighbours all shrieked. It scared the pants off DD and she started crying she would have been fine otherwise.

catinthehat2 · 08/10/2009 19:24

I always politely ask if I need to call an ambulance, have never yet been taken up on it, though the offer is there.

lovechoc · 08/10/2009 19:43

oh yanbu. this is something that really gets to me when people make a huge fuss. DS never cries when he falls but if my own mother sees him trip she makes a ridiculous fuss. I just say 'leave it, he's fine, he's just had a little fall'. He just gets up and carries on with what he usually does, like many toddlers do. He never even cries. I just carry on with what I'm doing but glance sideways just to check he really is fine. It's not a good way to bring up children because then they expect that kind of fuss all the time.

redskyatnight · 08/10/2009 19:45

I would agree than in general YANBU ...
however my DD has recently started walking again after breaking her leg. She is very unsure of herself and lacking confidence. If she falls over I am overdoing the "are you okaying" a little bit - not because I'm worried about her being hurt but because she does tend to get a bit panicky. I'm sure to the casual observer it does look like I am babying her (which is not my style - when she did break her leg I told her she was fine and to go off and play ). Another example of the not judging unless you know all the circumstances.

wrigglershouse · 09/10/2009 00:29

YANBU. I agree with everything you are all saying. My Mum, however, was of the school of "don't be silly/big girls don't cry" etc and it often did feel like I was being told off when I had fallen, so I do think it's important to do the whole "Oh dear, up we get" brush down thing to make children feel that you do care.

madwomanintheattic · 09/10/2009 00:41

lol. dd2 has cerebral palsy and is always falling over. largely i ignore her as these days she's mostly capable of picking herself up again without further incident.

it makes me look like a right cow in the playground though...

in contrast, at dd2's last school, we had another mummy whose dd (5) fell over in the playground waiting for school to start and bumped her top lip. to be fair, it was a bit fat, but tbh i'd have said 'there there' and sent mine into school.

she took her home and thence to casualty (where they sent her home again lol - it was only a fat lip after all), returning only to school after 3 days off (with a photo album to show all her friends the swelling), and has never been allowed to run since. the poor child quite often attempts to skip off and play, but the loving mama every single time says 'no, no, remember what happened last time', and she has to stand silently by her side.

i'm sure there is a middle ground lol... but i'm erring on the 'tis only a flesh wound' side...

madwomanintheattic · 09/10/2009 00:44

oh, i've just remembered dd2 going over the handlebars of her bike and smashing her brand new front teeth... i made her go to school too... although to be fair, there was a lot of (figurative) tea and sympathy and (literal) mopping of blood...

kickassangel · 09/10/2009 01:34

catinthehat - dd would LOVE to have a ride in an ambulance, be careful what you say!

nooka · 09/10/2009 03:43

My mum sent me back to school less then an hour after I got run over, so I think that there is such a thing as going too far I'm of the general "you're fine, off you go" school, but I have a very stoic ds (I think he often really doesn't notice the cuts and bumps) and an almost hysterical dd, who if her wound looks nasty finds it really very hard to cope. I don't think that we are any different with her than ds (in any case the screaming winds me up no end, so I have to really try not to snap at her) I think she must just have a much lower pain threshold/ less developed coping mechanisms.

duchesse · 09/10/2009 04:29

I'm of the opinion that if you overdo the shock and horror at a fall, even with minor injuries, you make it worse for the child. I've often seen toddlers falling, being fine, but looking at their parent/carer for reassurance, only to have the parent go mildly hysterical and the toddler start crying because they're scared. Frankly I think that subconsciously people do this deliberately to make themselves feel needed. I take my cue from my child. If they are seriously crying/ complaining of pain I know there's something wrong. (ignoring the time I chivvied dd1 along for a week with greenstick fracture of the wrist... )

duchesse · 09/10/2009 04:34

Just remembered my triage system following pain/injury reported by children (not had to use it for ages now): "Is there bone showing? (corollary- might need medical attention) Is there blood? (corollary- might get on upholstery so best attend to it)" Usually made them laugh.

duchesse · 09/10/2009 04:36

fimble- paper cuts are flipping painful! You heartless cow woman! YABVVVVVVU

BalloonSlayer · 09/10/2009 09:24

Thinking this over, have you ever fallen over as an adult?

It's such a shock, and grazed knees hurt.

I am not surprised they cry...

Original poster
SCARYspicemonster · 09/10/2009 09:41

Yes grazed knees do hurt but my DS rarely grazes a knee when he trips. The child I saw yesterday didn't start crying until after her mum started making a fuss. Proof that it's the fuss that causes the tears a lot of the time, rather than the injury.

I really hope I'm not doing a boys don't cry thing - I'd hate my DS to feel that he couldn't cry if he was actually hurt

OP posts:
LadyoftheBathtub · 09/10/2009 09:43

Also as an adult you fall from a much greater height and with a lot more weight. Most toddler falls are harmless - of course you have to respond when it's not though.

Surfermum · 09/10/2009 09:58

I'm the same as 3legsandnotail, others often rush to dd before me. Whereas I'll watch and wait - if she's not OK she'll come to me or start crying, and then I'll act.

UndeadLentil · 09/10/2009 10:11

I never understood why my seriously laidback DH got so furious at objects until I saw mil slapping things that had harmed my DC .

I tend to favour using my mother's line: 'You'll be better before you get married.'

DS also likes: 'Chances of surviving until tomorrow? High and rising'.