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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you make a huge fuss every time your child falls over, you're not doing them any favours?

146 replies

SCARYspicemonster · 08/10/2009 13:13

My toddler (in common with most of them I expect) quite often trips up when we're walking down the road. He never cries when he does, just picks himself up and I say 'oh dear, never mind' or something similar.

Today was walking along and there is a woman coming towards me with a child of a similar age who trips and falls over. Not badly and not hurt as far as I can see. Her mum stopped and made a huge fuss and the child started sobbing as if they'd really hurt themself but from what I could see, there were no injuries.

Surely we want to encourage our children to have a bit of stoicism or school's going to be hell?

Am prepared to be flamed for this

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 08/10/2009 15:33

I agree-YANBU. It is much less frightening for them if you have the response of BalloonSlayer or nellyaemates. You can then tell, immediately, if it is serious or not. If you make a lot of fuss, they milk it for all it is worth, like injured footballers!

overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 15:40

YANBU

Children need to just deal with pain etc without it being a big deal.

mrsruffallo · 08/10/2009 15:40

YANBU
My kids only cry if they are genuinely hurt. Otherwise it's a quick dust down and on your way.
My in laws are quite insane on this issue however and beat the shit out of the thing that the children hurt themselves on
eg; naughty floor, don't you hurt x you bad floor(kick and punch floor) Don't ever do that again!!! same with table, chair, wall etc
Barmy

LadyoftheBathtub · 08/10/2009 15:40

I know someone like this and furthermore when her DD drops a doll or cuddly toy, the mum does fake crying on behalf of the toy until the DD comforts it! Talk about training your child to make a fuss. Drives me up the wall.

Her DD is now 4 and after falling/bumping herself, actually pauses a while and has a bit of a look around to check who's paying attention before launching into a huge wailathon.

LisaD1 · 08/10/2009 15:46

YANBU, I am the same with both DD's (9 and 2), if it's not broken and not bleeding we carry on where we were before the fall!!

My sis on the other hand makes a HUGE dram oput of every little trip and as such my 9 year old niece will scream like she's being murdered if she so much as stubs her toe!

VulgarAchesButCanRun5k · 08/10/2009 15:49

My DS was brilliant at not crying over minor falls because I made at least fuss as possible . .

. . .until he went to nursery.

And all the ever so nice nursery staff made a really big deal of every minor bump.

And undid all my hard work of the last few years.

ArghhhhmazingBouncingSpider · 08/10/2009 15:50

My DS has got to the point where if he is playing in his room and something crashes or he falls over, I dont even need to ask, he'll shout "im alright mummy" and go back to what he was doing.

Original poster
SCARYspicemonster · 08/10/2009 16:45

This is the least controversial AIBU thread ever. I'm slightly disappointed

But very glad to know a new acronym

OP posts:
katiestar · 08/10/2009 17:00

My motto is sympathise and then distract.

mummee09v · 08/10/2009 17:18

YANBU

my friend does this with her DD, it drives me mad, her DD is nearly 3 and if she so much as stumbles my friend behaves like its the end of the world!!! and, probably because of this mollycoddling her DD is a whingy, demanding little madam!!!

if DS falls i just pick him up and go ooh dear!! and we continue with our day!! and he is a robust little chap who doesnt let anything faze him!!

obvs goes without saying, if he is ever genuinely hurt i cuddle him and make a bigger fuss! but kids stumble all the time!! its no big deal.

AddictedtoCrunchies · 08/10/2009 17:24

My mum's a nurse too and we never got any sympathy anless there was blood (lots of) or lack of breathing. If we were ill we had to have spots or a temp to even be considered. And we NEVER had time off school.

DS is 20m and has no fear. He's constantly got 'eggs' on his forehead and bruises where he hurls himslef about but I don't make a fuss unless he's really hurt. He just gets an 'upsy daisy maisy' and off he goes.

Tortington · 08/10/2009 17:26

we were always sympahtetic in our household NOT! stock phrase " let me look....i've had bigger cuts on mi arse"

always got a laugh

depends on the severity of course - but i could never abide plasters and fiddling - so ususally a no fuss quick wash of the wound and shove em back outside.

choccyp1g · 08/10/2009 17:27

In my book, if they can tell you what happened, they will be fine.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/10/2009 17:34

YANBU

Slight Hijack :

Wierdly, despite me having the same philosophy about not making a big fuss, DS1 (now 9) has always made a big to-do, and cried a lot over the smallest injury, sometimes to an embarrassing extent. It's like he feels the pain and shock, and embarrassment of falling over more than other children (at one time i thought he was doing it to get more sympathy from me, but I really don't think it's that).

Anyone else out there experienced this ? BTW, I am never brusque when he hurts himself.

DS2, on the other hand, has to have REALLY hurt himself to cry. Different pain thresholds, I suppose.

KembleTwins · 08/10/2009 17:37

YANBU. I do the "oh dear. Kiss it better. There we go." thing - works fine. I have a friend who makes such a fuss when her DD falls/trips/slips that the child is a complete wimp - won't go on playgrounds or in softplay because her mother's behaviour has convinced her she's going to hurt herself. Nightmare.

katiestar · 08/10/2009 17:39

I don't think that giving NO sympathy is right.After all children learn what they live.i want them to be concerned if others are hurt

KembleTwins · 08/10/2009 17:43

Yeah, but there's a difference between being appropriately sympathetic and totally OTT.

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 17:44

YANBU. DD is a right trooper and it seems silly to go on about her "injuries" if she has picked herself up and is gaily skipping off again. I just say "Are you OK?" she says "yes" and all is well.

If she cries then it means she is hurt - and then it's cuddle and kiss better time.

FimbleHobbs · 08/10/2009 17:53

Jamieandthemagictorch my DCs are the same.

DS gets a paper cut and you'd think the world was ending. DD bangs her head, massive lump comes up, and she doesn't even realise.

I've always had the same approach to both of them with accidents so I don't know why it is. I suspect DS will make a fine footballer one day!

AnnVan · 08/10/2009 17:55

YANBU. MIL has a 4yo DD. every time she has the slightest bump MIL, SIL and BIL all fuss over her. SHe then milks it for all she's worth, wailing for a couple of minutes on one person's lap, then stopping long enough to walk to another person, climb on their lap and then start wailing again. Once, she'd been stung by a wasp earlier in the day. SHe was fine by the point I saw her, eating her dinner. But then SIL would go over to her every 10 minutes 'How's your toe, is it ok, does it hurt, are you alright?' ad infinitum causing the girl to start wailing again.

I'm trying to do the 'oh dear never mind' thing with DS (12 mo) but he really is a little wuss We're starting to get there now though I think.

MaMight · 08/10/2009 17:56

My natural instinct was to cuddle and comfort my children after every fall. It was only when I noticed a friend's daughter cheerfully brushing herself off and not making a fuss that I put 2 + 2 together and realised it was because friend reacted minimally when her dd fell.

I now conciously have to stop myself from swooping to cuddle when they fall or bang.

BUT... I do think it's important to acknowledge your children's fall or bang.

I am very matter of fact about it, but I still say "Oh dear, yes you did bang didn't you? Never mind, rub it better. Off you go" sort of thing, and they reassured by my being unflapped by it I think, but comforted by it being acknowledged.

It's like in HTTSYKWL, it's important not to deny your children's feelings. Often you see a child crying that their last bang hurt and the adult, very kindly, and meaning to jolly the child out of it, saying "oh no, it didn;t hurt, you're fine". I never do that.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/10/2009 17:57

Funny, isn't it, Fimble ? As he has got older, DS1 is slightly less dramatic. He was also less physically adept, and more cautious as a small child, so I wonder if he just never had early experiences of hurting himself (cuts and grazes on legs e.g)

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/10/2009 17:59

i agree with you about not denying feelings MaMight, and I 'm quite conscious of not doing that "Boys Don't Cry" thing

juneybean · 08/10/2009 18:02

I read somewhere that we fuss over girls, but gives boy a "oh well" and that's why boys become more boisterous.

With my charge if she falls I'll chuckle and she soon chuckles with me. Obviously if she had hurt herself I wouldn't continue to laugh lol

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 18:10

juney interesting.

I was just thinking that despite my mums best efforts I always dress DD in trousers/jeans.

She was in a dress once and ran down the pavement and fell and so of course her knees were skinned, it was a right mess. Then the next time she was in a dress I kept telling her to stop running/only run holding my hand. I twigged what was going on and so now it's jeans/trousers all the way.

I plan on keeping her in trousers until I am fairly confident that she's past the stage of tripping over her own feeet (she#s 2.2). Or if/when she demands skirts...