to STILL dislike my PIL's?

[sillysalley]

After 11 years of trying ...

Over the last few months, I have tried wtih all my might to TRY to like them, but I think we are just cut out of completely different cloth, and well I just dont 'get' them!

There is so much to mention about them and how we have got on over the past 11 years, but I have just come to the decision - it will just never be one of those relationships. And it makes me pretty sad really! To try to explain a little, they seem to revel in annoying me, maybe it s just me but ...

I ll give an example, I have asked (many many many times) that they only buy DS presents for a reason (I want him to begin to understand that we need to work hard to get things and we dont get what we want for nothing etc)e.g. birthday, christmas, presents from holiday, or more importantly for doing something good/ helpful etc

Well they just dont listen, they buy him something everytime we visit (1-2 times a week). It is driving me crazy and now DS is beginning to expect it!

I promise you, I really have tried to get on with them, I know there are much worse PIL's. But they just seem to 'rubbish' my parenting and do it their way IYSWIM.

Connie most of us were discussing the OP but I disagreed with a POV that Nana raised. I think that's ok in itself. I guess my tone has adjusted because since then she has started posting directly to me.
My original disagreement wasn't with her per se but at the POV which I couldn't relate to (nor could some other posters).

I don't want this thread to deteriorate for OP's sake.

If you read Nana's posts carefully you will see she is persisting negatively if in a subtle way. I am not so subtle.

No one has disagreed with the fact that there are some good MILs out there but this post isn't about them

Oh my goodness!

What a slant this thread has taken!

Not quite sure if IABU or not now!

All this between nananina and freakname has just totally thrown me!

In some cultures Lexi you have to pay someone to take your daughter off your hands! The dowry is paid to the man's family. Maybe those too poor to provide a substantial amount are left with the spinster daughter so she ends up looking after them?

LOL Sally YANBU

Very interesting Lexillcious my dh and I have just had a discussion about this - and how the saying the steeped in heritage.

To be honest the saying drives me bonkers in terms of applying to a modern society - as why would you in today's age in the society I live in for example, assume that the daughter rather than the son, should be the parents' carer, rather than being someone who can support herself or her family or her parents. However, women still earn on average less than men so I think that is a factor.

There are many other families, cultures that still operate on rigid sexual barriers, which I think can limit choice and life decisions.

Also sally if I have read your post right you have tried for a long time to get on with pil.

Out of interest why do you think they revel in annoying you?

Also, what coping strategies do you put in place when they do annoy you?

Thanks to all those who have supported me and NO they are not me in disguise. I never even knew you could do that on MN but can't imagine why anyone would want to, but possibly there are those with good reasons.

I don't think there is any point in continuing my "debate" with freakname as it is only detracting frome the OP and will not further the debate. However I am relieved that I am getting some support. Incidentally can anyone give a view on the issue that I raised about the stereotyping of mils as in "you are behaving like a mil" rather than just accepting this is another woman who is posting with a different perspective. Mind I think that sort of comment only comes frompeople who merely want their own views endorsed on MN and don't want to hear anything from a slightly different perspective. That was certainly my experience on another thread.

Are there any more mils out there - if so please join the debate!

also very interesting to hear about people's views about the old saying "a daughters a daughter" etc. I think it was something my mother used to say and laugh about it as we were 4 girls and she used to say she was SO glad she had daughters and not sons. Someone mentioned about caring for the older generation but I think that I am right in saying that it is usually daughters rather than sons that care for their ageing parents though of course there are exceptions.

Anyway thanks again to those of you who have supported me.

nana out of interest - do you accept that using oh dear can come across as dismissive?

I think the "you are behaving as a mil" comment was a comment on a aibu thread, nothing more, nothing less, I would not get too upset about it - I don't think that anyone was intentionally stating that just because they had bad experiences with in laws that it would transfer to all in laws.

AIBU can be opinionated and so generalisations can take place, just like the one you have just said with regards to daughters rather than sons caring for aged parents.

pinkfizz I agree it's not a saying which should have any relevance in modern society, but that's the trouble with cultural norms, it's too easy to think we the DILs/they the MILs should just snap out of it and behave like adults, when in fact both our behaviours are so deeply ingrained through no fault of our own. And I have yet to meet anyone, even the most ardent feminist, who has absolutely no male-female / old-young / social class division stereotypes lurking in the back of their psyche. And sometimes rather near the front!

mmmm, pink fizz. It's my dp's birthday tomorrow and we've got people on the way round... is it too early for bubbly?

Yes lexi I agree and I see now - the different experiences across generations and stereotypes can just add to already fraught relationships.

Ergo - I find "oh dear" incredibly patronising but that is my perspective, and from my upbringing.... but I can see that nana may just be using oh dear as part and parcel of her verbal make up, that her mother used on her and she adopted when she was younger, just as she has also used a quote her mother used to say to her.

I say it is never too early for some celebratory fizz, celebrate the good times and happy bday to your dp.

pop open the bubbly and enjoy

Mornin!

That's interesting pink and lexi about the generational divide.
The MIL is no longer a matriarch who rules the roost with younger family members taking the cue from her. The stereotypical MIL is becoming a redundant character, a caricature if you like. Hence the women who are unable to shift from this mindset remain at odds with modern DILs. They are destined for the estranged scrapheap chasing control which can never be theirs.
Most DILs would be more than happy with a woman who dotes on the GCs, doesn't judge (or if she does is disciplined enough to keep her mouth shut!) and offers a hand every now and then.

I'm afraid to admit that I quoted the "son's a son..." to my MIL when she said I was stealing him from her the week before our wedding. I was slightly taken aback that she was thinking I was stealing him, and that she felt she should tell me so close to the wedding. I guess I wanted to fight fire with fire, which was a bit petty I realise.

I found Nana's posts very interesting, I do tell myself to be try harder with my relationship, but when MIL comes to stay I find myself climbing the walls and it starts getting fraught again.

My DH is very indifferent to his mother, and would be happy if she didn't visit which makes things very strained when she comes. She'll be here in NOvember so I'm giving myself a stern word to be NICE it shouldn't kill me!!!

Pinkfizzle - I'm not upset about the comment "behaving like a mil" honest. I really don't get upset about MN stuff but I do enjoy the "cut and thrust" of a debate and sometimes get a bit het up like everyone else and tap it all out on the laptop! I don't however think this kind of comment is a "one-off" at all as on another thread I have been consistently accused of "behaving like a typical mil, morphing into an awful mil" etc time and time again. I really have never heard a comment like "you are behaving like a typical sister, SIL, mother, daughter, aunt" etc etc and so I can only conclude that this type of comment is reserved for mils which I think is unfair. Incidentally I had no idea anyone perceived "oh dear" as dismissive or patronising or anything like that.

However I do think there are many posters on mil threads who in response to a mil complaint immediately come on and back up the OP to the hilt without it seems giving much consideration to whether her grievance is justified or not. I am not saying this always happens as I have also seen posts where women take others to task about mil complaints.

I suppose I would just like some acknowledgement that the mil/dil thing is a 2 way street. I have just seen another mil complaint thread and one poster says in repsonse to a grumble about a mil something like "All mils go on courses when their sons get married and learn how to say stupid things to dils etc etc" - now how offensive is that?

Fleebee - can't imagine a woman telling another woman she is "stealing" her son, and seems to me to be highly insensitive BUT dare I say I can understand where this feeling comes from. I have tried to explain this on other threads and it has seemed to fuel anger in some dils and they have strongly disagreed with me, even though as a mil I have experienced the feelings that are aroused when you are no longer no. 1 in your son's life and younger mothers obviously have nbot yet had this experience. Therefore I am reluctant to say any more but if you are interested Fleebee I will be happy to talk about my feelings in relation to loss in this respect. You sound a very nice woman with a sensible outlook on life and are at least and maybe a more fulfilled person than your mil which I think is another issue with some mils, but again if I post from this perspective it seems to cause somem women to get angry and accuse me of defending all mils which is not the case.

Fleebee - I'm getting mixed up and I think it was on this thread that I talked of fleeting feelings of sadness and loss" when you are no longer nO.l in your son's life. For me this didn't mean that I was not happy for my sons and their partners/wives - on the contrary I was extremely happy that they were settled and producing lovely grandchildren! However some posters (though very much in the minority on this thread I think) have taken exception to my trying to explain these feelings, but there you go - can't please everyone.

It sounds to me like your MIL was having similar feelings but was just blurting out stuff about "stealing" instead of being able to talk about what she really felt to someone OTHER than you IYSWIM. I think a lot of older women who are mILS maybe don't have good women friends in whom they can confide these feelings. I am fortunate inthat respect and like all other feelings in life it makes us feel better that we are not alone in such feelings and are not some horrendous over possessive mother.

I think what young mothers who condemn me for expressing any of these kind of feelings just don't understand that the feelings of love and protection you have for your children does not go away (in general) with the passing of time and though what you worry about changes, the intensity of the love and need to protect doesn't change even when our sons (and daughters) are parents and have children of their own. TBH I don't think I would have understood this when I was a young mother so I can't blame people for not understanding it, I just wish they would keep on open mind on the subject as it may be helpful when their turn comes around to be a MIL!

I don't have daughters unfortunately and it seems that there are fewer problems with mils and sils unless they just don't get posted on here.

NanaNina,

I think you take posts too seriously.

Also, I think by the time a lot of men marry, their mums haven´t been no1 in their life for a while.

TBH, if you think that you were, then for me you fit the MIL stereotype who sees the DIL as the woman who stole her son away.

OK diddl whatever - you are another who is determined to stereotype MILS - very curious. all I can say to you is I hope that you manage it all without any hitches when your turn comes around.

I have a teenage son.

I´m already pretty sure that I´m not "no 1" in his life!

No, I don´t stereotype MILs.

I know that they are all different, and act differently towards their DILs.

Diddl - I suppose it depends what is meant by No.l. and I am using it as some kind of shorthand on this thread. Of course I know that mothers cease to be No. 1. in its truest sense when children get teenage (and possibly before in some cases) but I don't mean it literally. I just think that where there are good relationships between teenagers/young adults and parents, then regardless of how it might look (as teenagers often appear to shun their parents and mates are all important)then parents ARE the most important people in the young people's lives and vice versa.

When your kids leave home either to get married or live with a partner then obviously the wife or partner becomes the most important person in their lives and at the risk of repeating myself I have no problem with this - this is how it should be and I would be far more worried if my sons were still at home and not settled with their own wives/partners and families.

I am not possessive about my sons at all though still love and care for them as I have always done and that will never change. However I certainly do NOT regard my lovely dils as young women who "stole" my sons - what a ridiculous notion! You don't yet know how you will feel when your son leaves home and gets married or lives with someone, so why don't you wait and see and you might be surprised at some of the feelings you have.

This thread is going round and round and may soon be dead.

I am generalising here, but I think after leaving home, many daughters maintain a closer relationship with their mother than sons.

I would phone my mum to see how she is,let her know what´s going on,and to chat as we get on.

For my husband it´s more of a duty call. They just don´t have that much to say to each other anymore.

Of course,my mum is a MIL,and gets on with both her SonILs.

I know of many cases where it´s the DIL/MIL relationship that is the strained one.

The assumption I find grating is that you will feel sadness and loss when your son grows up. You may well not. Just depends on the individual and how emotionally intelligent they are.
My mum and MIL really thrive on the extended family so I see no reason why I won't feel the same because that is the behaviour that will have been modelled to me.
I am looking forward to DILs (if nothing else it will equalise the male/female ratio - I grew up in a male dominated household and the arrival of all the SILs brought so much femininity and sisterhood that had been lacking previously.
Having a male household of my own now I can really appreciate how lovely it must have been for my mum to have that kind of female company. Not friends but family who have a (perhaps even stronger) vested interest in the same people that you love.

Freakname - I have not said (or implied) that you WILL feel sadness or loss when your sons leave home and in my view feelings are nothing to do with emotional intelligence. Indeed I think that it takes emotional intelligence to be in touch with your feeling. Of course you might not feel anything like this at all and it would be folly to try to predict what anyone will fell in any given situation. However I am puzzled that somehow my feelings are being somehow evaluated - as to whether they are "valid" whether they are "right" or "wrong" - Feelings come and go and are part of the human condition - do you not have them? If you do, do you evaluate them or just accept them for what they are - feelings.

I can't understand why someone should question someone's feelings so much about an experience that they haven't had. We all feel differently about things we HAVE experienced but can't possibly say how we will feel about an experience we haven't had.

Not quite sure why I am bothering as I think yyou are determined to continue to discredit me for whatever reason.

Many have left this thread and I am about to do likewise. However I remain heartened that on this thread that the vast majority of posters have found my points interesting with you being the lone notable exception.

'You don't yet know how you will feel when your son leaves home and gets married or lives with someone, so why don't you wait and see and you might be surprised at some of the feelings you have.'

Implying that those feelings are going to be sadness and loss otherwise one wouldn't be surprised by them would they?

LOL 'Interesting' is a word I use when I'm indifferent to something and don't want to appear rude, as in 'that's an interesting idea' so you might want to think again but I do sense that you need an awful lot of reassurance from others. It's rather cloying actually.

Goodbye