to STILL dislike my PIL's?

[sillysalley]

After 11 years of trying ...

Over the last few months, I have tried wtih all my might to TRY to like them, but I think we are just cut out of completely different cloth, and well I just dont 'get' them!

There is so much to mention about them and how we have got on over the past 11 years, but I have just come to the decision - it will just never be one of those relationships. And it makes me pretty sad really! To try to explain a little, they seem to revel in annoying me, maybe it s just me but ...

I ll give an example, I have asked (many many many times) that they only buy DS presents for a reason (I want him to begin to understand that we need to work hard to get things and we dont get what we want for nothing etc)e.g. birthday, christmas, presents from holiday, or more importantly for doing something good/ helpful etc

Well they just dont listen, they buy him something everytime we visit (1-2 times a week). It is driving me crazy and now DS is beginning to expect it!

I promise you, I really have tried to get on with them, I know there are much worse PIL's. But they just seem to 'rubbish' my parenting and do it their way IYSWIM.

I don't think anyone is arguing with that but it does become a problem if you specifically ask them not to do something (whatever it is) and they carry on regardless.

Many a relationship would be saved if they listened at that point.

I do understand your point milranter. Men don't just ring their mums for a chat (none that I know of anyway).
They do it out of duty 'I'd better ring mum' kind of thing rather than 'I wonder what mum thinks of this' as a daughter might seek reassurance/opinions/advice. Men have their wives for that.
Some women like to be in each others pockets. Again I know very few men who are like this with anyone other than their wife.
If you as a woman can accept that of your son and not blame his future partner then you will be a good MIL

When we got married, at the reception MIL fell on DH sobbing "thank God, Thank God, one of my children has a marriage that won't end in divorce!"

Mind you, she still thinks he doesn't have a "proper" job because he works in an office. and I know she doesn't understand me at all, and mostly she drives me mad, but she is really a very kindly person and we rub along fine.

But she has 9 grand children and 4 great grandchildren and about 400 nieces and nephews, so maybe she just has more practise at being helpful and not abrasive?

Miggsie that must have been lovely for the siblings present who were divorced

THANK YOU so much to all the posters who have been complimentary about my post. As I said I posted reluctantly as I have had very bad experiences on other MIL threads, but there are people on here who seem willing to keep an open mind on the issue even when they are having bad experiences themselves.

ErnesttheBavarian raises the issue of daughters relationships with their own mothers as opposed to those with their mils and the difference between being a mother to a son or daughter. I think you have made very good points here and there don't seem to be nearly as many problems with son-in-laws and their mils as with dils and mils. I think it is an age old problem about the "2 women and 1 man" thing. Someone says that Mils are just "jealous" that their son loves another woman better and someone else thinks it's "wierd" that a mother is jealous of her son growing up and falling in love.
Can I try to explain again............it isn't jealousy - that is far too strong a word. As I said before(for me anyway) it is a fleeting feeling of knowing that you are no longer as important in the life of your son as you once were. It has its "up side" too as I don't feel so anxious if things go wrong for my sons as I know they have partners who will support them etc and I can take a back seat.

I know this is difficult to understand when your children are small and I don't think it's possible to understand such feelings until you actually have them if you see what I mean. You will all know how much you love your children and would do anything to protect them and how hurtful it is if anyone criticises them etc etc. What I am trying to say is that those feelings for many women don't go away with the passing of time, and there is no way you can know this while your children are young and dependent on you. It is possible to have these feelings and at the same time be happy for your son and his partner and relieved that they are settled and happy in their family life. This is an enormous pleasure too but occasionally just occasionally there are fleeting feelings of sadness and sometimes it feels like loss. I have a recurring dream that I "lose" one of my sons in a crowd and he is about 3 and I am desperately trying to find him and never do...........it's always the same son (and I know why this is) now that's my sub conscious at work over which I have no control so can't be blamed for that! I have absolutely no doubt that a son's first responsibility is to his wife/partner and children and that mothers have to take a back seat BUT that doesn't mean that there can be other feelings alongside those that emerge now and again. The important thing is how you deal with those feelings and I suspect that some MILs are not able to deal with them in a rational way and so they "come out" in vindictive comments etc, which is a great pity as of course this only makes things far far worse.

I am also fortunate that I have close women friends with whom I can discuss all these feelings and we can discuss our feelings about dils etc whereas this is not the case for many women and I think they may then struggle with these perplexing feelings and have no outlet for them. It is nearly always mils and dils trouble rather than sils and dils though there are exceptions. I have a very close friend whose daughter is married to a very controlling man and be rations her time with her parents and this of course causes my friend great distress but there is little she can do to change it.

Someone mentioned that if we had a "time machine" we could look back and perhaps have more understanding for MILS. This is very true. I can now look back and see things rather differently especially in relation to my MIL being a grandmother. Some of you complain that your MILs don't care about your Hs or Ps but then as has been posted here, some complain that they care too much and that too is a problem. I absolutely agree about blokes not necessarily wanting to phone their mothers for a chat inthe way women do and 2 of my sons certainly fall into this category as did my partner in relation to his mother. I think this is just the difference between men and women to be honest. I spend far more time chatting to my dils than to any of my sons.

There is a very old saying that some of you will have heard - "A daughter's a daughter all of her life and a son's a son till he gets him a wife." I have no idea where it came from but there it is.........

Thank you again to the people who have said nice things about me - I was awaiting the backlash from my post but was pleasantly surprised at the many compliments.

WHat is it about MIL's and pre-wedding attacks?! My MIL spent the night before our wedding weeping hysterically to DH that he shouldn't be marrying me, and that he was going to neglect her from now on. THis from the woman who buggered off and left him on his own on Christmas Day at 15 becuase she wanted to spend the day with her new partner. So I completely understand about previous events making it hard to perceive IL's behaviour from a different perspective.

This is why I have my notebook, Things To Remember When I Am A MIL - with my second DS on the way, and no plans for more children, I don't want to make the same mistakes!!

I wouldn't want to visit any relative 1-2 times a week. I'd cut back the visits if you don't enjoy them. re the presents I'd ask your husband to raise this again.

I wish I had appreciated my MIL more, sure things were difficult when DC1 was born - she had more experience than me, so thought she knew best, but looking back, my DM was just the same, but I didn't react because she was my DM.
My pil's live very close to us, less than a minutes walk, and they really have been such a big part in my DC's lives, and I'm really grateful. My MIL always had a sly comment aimed at me - a sort of compliment with a dig at the end, so I was under no illusion that she was better for her DS than I was, but I'm pleased that I've never let it become an issue - my DH is really close to her, and deep down, I know I can (or could) rely on her more than I can my own DM.
She's now ill in hospital, we don't know if she'll ever be better, and all those times I was upset because she always had sweets for the children, or hid a toy in the room for them to find, I wish she was still about to do the same, as the children all have lovely memories of how kind she was when she could be with them.
Try to make the most of your mil, in the end, the important relationships here are the ones between her and you DH, and between her and your DC's -not yours with her, so distance yourself from her if you must, but don't let it affect the way your DC's and DH are with her

I want to vomit every time I hear 'a daughter's a daughter all of her life....'

To my mind sons continue to think of themselves as sons even after acquiring a wife. My DH certainly does. He doesn't interact with his mother any less than he did before he was married.
It's just that it's never going to be as much as some MILs want hence we are back to taking it out on the DIL.

Sorry NanaNina but do you not get the 'fleeting feelings of sadness and loss' towards your daughter now that she has a husband to love. Or do you think she loves you more than her husband? It just doesn't add up to me. If you are happy that a son finds a partner that he truly loves, who truly loves him back and supports him why on earth would there be any sadness and loss in the equation?
Perhaps it's more true to say 'your mum's your mum until you get a wife then she causes nothing but strife'

Freakname - I don't have any daughters sadly so I can't answer your question. I'm not expecting that many people will understand my feelings and as I said I don't think it's possible to understand some feelings until they are personally experience and this I think is one of them. All I can say is that feelings (everyones not just mine) are real and I don't think we can get into the "rights and wrongs" of feelings - there are none - they just happen. SO I am not really concerned that you don't understand mine.

I can see how frustrated you are about yourDH and his mother and it sounds like you have good reason. BUT can you not consider that there are a wide variety of differing relationships in families and there are lots of complaints about here about sons who are still "tied to their mother's apron strings" etc and I have no doubt that this is the case. We just can't really generalise on these threads but speak from our own experience and listen to others.

I have noticed though that if someone has a poor r/ship with a MIL then any attempt to give a view from the other side is met with contempt as is the case here.

Really nice post HKT and I can remember taking far more notice of my mom than my MIL and wanting her to be around when the babies were small but not feeling like that about my MIL but I think that is probably just how it is for many women, BUT it shouldn't really prevent them from having a "peek" at the MILs point of view and maybe trying to understand her position a little. A friend tells me of her DIL who is adamant about the "no sweets" issue to the enth degree but when she was visiting recently, her DILs mom arrived unexpectedly and produced a large tube of smarties for the grandchild which he consumed and the DIl said not a word! My friend didn't say anything either and showed great restraint I think but naturally it made her feel a bit cross.

Can we bear in mind that all r/ships are different and try to look at all aspects of this often fraught relationship.

Nana I am not SO concerned that you don't understand me either.
I don't have a problem with my MIL. I am btw a great DIL .
You felt your post was met with contempt? Why? Perhaps you are being oversensitive as many MILs are prone to be.

I was generalising about the MIL/DIL issues that exist. I can speak from personal experience but I can also generalise if I want to.

There is a very real aspect of some mature women who think they can bully or manipulate because they are unhappy about the dynamic with their son. I don't think it's the DIL's fault and MILs like these need to look back at their own parenting to see why their son is the way that he is.

Your feelings aside (and you are very welcome to them) my mum has 4 sons and gets on famously with ALL her DILs. She does not feel AT ALL sad about them finding partners. She is DELIGHTED for them hence her fab relationships with all the DILs. She does not single anyone out or show favouritism. She does not speak about one to the other in a judgemental way. She is good at her job.

I look to my own mother as to how I conduct myself with my MIL. Even if MIL were ever to have a problem with me she would be hard pushed to make a case.

I expect your 3rd DIL has her own story and feelings too.

Sorry (well I'm not actually but there you go) if it is a bit of a rant. Perhaps because I know how it can be (with a bit of respect) I get fed up of women who CREATE problems for their own children.

(waves at NanaNina) I think I get where your feelings are coming from, and as I only have a DS, hope that I can navigate the MIL/DIL hurdle when my turn hopefully comes.

By the way, what's your take on how open DILs should be with their MILs? I wondered if I might have gone too far when she excitedly offered to go with DH on the helicopter ride I was organising for a recent big birthday, and "I think a 40-year old man would prefer to go with a friend that his mum" was out of my mouth before I could stop it. While it was true - DH had told me exactly that, as I knew MIL would love to go on a helicopter - should I have kept this to myself do you think?

isitme

Oh and feelings do happen but as adults we have to learn to control them and not act upon them otherwise society (not to mention the MIL/DIL scenario) would go into meltdown.

Just out of interest, sorry if OT, but for DILs who don´t get on with their MILs, does your husband get on with your mother?

If a man is married to a woman he loves and is happy, why would his mother not do her best to welcome & get on with that woman for her son´s sake?

Why would she ever be deliberately nasty?

If DIL & MIL just don´t get on, as can happen, that´s unfortunate,but you´d think the effort could still be made to be polite for a visit.

I just had a thought (I know!) in some families only 'blood' is considered family and those who marry 'in' always remain on the pripherary. Discuss.

meant periphary

LOL My original typo

"Pripherary"-LOL

Is that the edge of a prairie?

ROFL No it's the next village after Tipperary.

I think those of us who have been divorced know that only your blood family are your real family. I like my current inlaws, but don't think of them as MY family. I have my family, my inlaws are my husband's family. I see no reason why his family should become my family just because I marry him.

Yes, my husband and my mother get on well. In fact, one of the most positive aspects of my MIL's appalling pre-wedding behaviour was how much it made me appreciate my parents, who were supportive without being pushy or intrusive, and there whenever I needed to talk, without being remotely judgemental. I genuinely think I didn't appreciate them sufficiently until I saw my MIL in action. (I had to look hard for a silver lining, but I found it eventually ).

Well, my MIL did give birth to my husband for me,so I´ll give her that!

Oh dear freakname - "maybe you are being over sensitive as mils are prone to be" - why I wonder when discussing mils is it that they are all lumped together and sweeping generalisations made. Maybe contempt was too strong a word but that is the trouble with these posts - they are often done in a hurry and time not taken to find the right word. You are doing as others did on another thread and if disagreeing with me, deciding that I am "behaving like a MIL" and this I don't think is fair. I am a woman, a partner, a mother, grandmother, motherinlaw, aunt, sister, friend - being a mil is only one aspect of my relationships. AND your comment about my 3rd dil - yes this happened before too with people making all sorts of assumptions about it and even deciding that I had a poor relationship with her and feeling sorry for her!

Just to put the record straight, my 3rd dil is a very nice young woman who is a wonderful mother and makes my son very happy so what mother can ask for anything more. She is a touch insecure and a little possessive of my son and Itherefore have to tread a little more carefully with her than the other 2 who are much more laid back characters. OK? nothing more or less than that. However she phones me more than the other 2 and always comes to me with any problems she has with her own family or friends so there is a very positive side to my relationship with her.

I'm glad for your mom and her wonderful relationships with her DILs but not quite sure what point you are making, other than the fact that you are once again taking issue with me because I talked of occasional feelings of loss.

Why is it that if I post from the perspective of being a mil, do some posters think that I am negating their own experience of their mils. Very puzzling.

Think it's probably time to leave the thread as I do not want to go through what I did before and only posted very reluctantly in the first place. The signs are there in your posts that this is all going to happen again.

Hi Isitme - No I don't think you went too far at all about the helicoptor ride and I would never ever assume that any of my sons (all in their 40s ) would want to do such an activity with me............quite ridiculous.

And thanks for being nice to me (even if I am a MIL!) It can feel very lonely posting on here as a MIL as I don't see other mils posting.