to STILL dislike my PIL's?

[sillysalley]

After 11 years of trying ...

Over the last few months, I have tried wtih all my might to TRY to like them, but I think we are just cut out of completely different cloth, and well I just dont 'get' them!

There is so much to mention about them and how we have got on over the past 11 years, but I have just come to the decision - it will just never be one of those relationships. And it makes me pretty sad really! To try to explain a little, they seem to revel in annoying me, maybe it s just me but ...

I ll give an example, I have asked (many many many times) that they only buy DS presents for a reason (I want him to begin to understand that we need to work hard to get things and we dont get what we want for nothing etc)e.g. birthday, christmas, presents from holiday, or more importantly for doing something good/ helpful etc

Well they just dont listen, they buy him something everytime we visit (1-2 times a week). It is driving me crazy and now DS is beginning to expect it!

I promise you, I really have tried to get on with them, I know there are much worse PIL's. But they just seem to 'rubbish' my parenting and do it their way IYSWIM.

Oh thank you for that NanaNina - MIL did seem to take it in her stride, but I come from a family where you wouldn't be that direct (but also, wouldn't be so engaged in each others' lives either), so it's all a bit weird for me. Lol at you thinking it ridiculous - in MIL's defence, a helicopter ride is something she really really wants to do. We'll organise it for her next big birthday I suspect, and assuming DH is still keen after his treat, he will be able to go with her then.

Perhaps we need a special MILs corner for people who actually want a MIL perspective to come to - mind, it would still be like AIBU where people ask AIBU and sometimes get all humpy if anybody says they are .

OP i can really empathise have had same sort of thing with my pils - no big drama but v different people and they also ignore any requests i make, eg for presents. dont know what the answer is but you are not alone!

Going way back to pranma's post - she's so right - children do love presents, but it's not good for them to get them every time. My dad's dad always used to give us GCs sweets every time he saw us (we went for tea once a fortnight). My mum arranged to take the sweets and give them to us another time, telling us that they were a present from granda - so we never associated it with going to see him. My cousins got theirs on the day and used to ask "where are my sweets?" as soon as they arrived. So he missed out on seeing our pleasure at getting them (we'd thank him the next time we saw him) but he had no doubt that we were pleased to see him for himself and not what he would give us.

Nananina - FWIW I can totally see your point of view. As a mum of 1 DS I already wonder how often I will get to see him when (and if) I am a MIL! I'm a relative newcomer to MN but I am amazed at the number of people slagging off the inlaws (particularly MIL) so I understand why you are reluctant to post but you are not alone so please continue to do so and balance out the equation. It seems to me that a lot of DIL are only too happy to engineer a rift or say 'oh, it's up to DP, he doesn't want to see/visit that often' because it suits them not to have to bother. I would remind them - like I think you already said earlier - that one day they may be the MIL and what goes around comes around. Most men are interested in an easy life (sweeping generalisation maybe, sorry) and need a nudge now and again to pick up the phone or pay a visit. I don't think hurts the DW/DIL to do that now and again for the sake of keeping the family together.

Nananina - I've read this whole post and think that you have given a helpful insight into the MIL's perspective.

I really struggle with the MIL relationship - it is all quite polite on the surface but I would say at best that it is fairly brittle. I find it difficult to understand why this should be the case, I'm from a big family and naturally 'slot in' with others. I have always found it really easy to make friends and get a lot of pleasure out of my friendships and relationships with others.

It has reached the point where I am frightened to make a special effort as this in itself seems a bit false and has only made things arkward in the past. I have decided to just be myself but whichever way I behave nothing seems to improve matters.

I'd love an objective opinion on a few things - i.e. am I overreacting/ being overly sensitive?

• rings DH who doesn't answer then leaves 7 missed calls on my mobile and voicemail demanding to know where DH is. I didn't deliberately fail to pick up - I was bathing baby. Happens quite frequently. Always with narky and/or stressed/tearful message.

• tells me how fond she is of DH's ex girlfriends (from teen years) and how she's just found out where one of them works and will be popping in to see her to catch up;

• constantly talks about when DH was in the US (10 years ago) with his US ex and how wonderful that experience was for him and what a riot she was;

• makes it clear that I am not glamorous enough for her son and continually talks about what I'm wearing, clothes choices etc so that I am a nervous wreck when shopping - also continually asked me when pregnant what I would dress the baby in;

• makes it clear she resents my career success;

-expects very expensive gifts, meals out from us when we are in the process of buying our first family home and have been denying ourselevs everything to save for the deposit;

• said that it was wonderful to see 'DH and DGD on their own for the weekend' - I can kind of understand that they don't feel as comfortable to do their own thing with DGD (9 months) if mummy is hovering but thought it was thoughtless to actually say this to me,

I don't know all pretty minor I suppose compared to what some people go through but it really gets me down.

Nananina - I've read this whole post and think that you have given a helpful insight into the MIL's perspective.

I really struggle with the MIL relationship - it is all quite polite on the surface but I would say at best that it is fairly brittle. I find it difficult to understand why this should be the case, I'm from a big family and naturally 'slot in' with others. I have always found it really easy to make friends and get a lot of pleasure out of my friendships and relationships with others.

It has reached the point where I am frightened to make a special effort as this in itself seems a bit false and has only made things arkward in the past. I have decided to just be myself but whichever way I behave nothing seems to improve matters.

I'd love an objective opinion on a few things - i.e. am I overreacting/ being overly sensitive?

• rings DH who doesn't answer then leaves 7 missed calls on my mobile and voicemail demanding to know where DH is. I didn't deliberately fail to pick up - I was bathing baby. Happens quite frequently. Always with narky and/or stressed/tearful message.

• tells me how fond she is of DH's ex girlfriends (from teen years) and how she's just found out where one of them works and will be popping in to see her to catch up;

• constantly talks about when DH was in the US (10 years ago) with his US ex and how wonderful that experience was for him and what a riot she was;

• makes it clear that I am not glamorous enough for her son and continually talks about what I'm wearing, clothes choices etc so that I am a nervous wreck when shopping - also continually asked me when pregnant what I would dress the baby in;

• makes it clear she resents my career success;

-expects very expensive gifts, meals out from us when we are in the process of buying our first family home and have been denying ourselevs everything to save for the deposit;

• said that it was wonderful to see 'DH and DGD on their own for the weekend' - I can kind of understand that they don't feel as comfortable to do their own thing with DGD (9 months) if mummy is hovering but thought it was thoughtless to actually say this to me,

I don't know all pretty minor I suppose compared to what some people go through but it really gets me down.

What I do think though is that we DILs perhaps dwell on things too much?

For ages after my MIL said something to upset me it bothered me.

How awkward would the next visit be?

What would we talk about?

And then I realised that more than likely she hadn´t given what went on a second thought,and I was totally wasting my time in doing so.

Isitme - there are some very nice rational people on this thread.........so far but there is a little taste of what may be to come. I think one of the problems is that if someone is moaning about their MIL then othere who are also having problems come on and back her up tothe hilt (regardless of whether she is being reasonable or not) and advise her to tell her mil to FRO or somesuch and this fuels the whole thing up. If I try to just give a different perspective some posters assume that I am negating their experience and in the past I have been accused of "defending mils at all costs" when I have tried to give possible explanations for a mil's behaviour. Alongside this I have always been careful to say that some mils sound pretty awful and feel sorry for the dils in question. It has seemed to me in the past them some posters don't want to consider anything from their mil's point of view and this actually seems to make them more angry. They appear to have more invested in simply hating their mil etc.
niftyfifity - interesting that you are thinking ahead and not a bad thing really! I can recall having a definite thought in my mind when my mil was interfering with how I ws bringing up my first son (it worse off withlater babies!)that I would never evr make this mistake, and I have kept to my resolve. I have lovely grchd now and I have never eve breathed a word of advice to the new parents. Mind I haven't felt the need anyway as they are all more than competent parents and baby rearing has in an even changed so much over the past 40 years. Mind I think I understand why mils do try to give advice but this is another story!

Mrsconflicted - wow you just don't deserve suh a mil as yousound such a nice rational person. All the examples you give are not nice not nice at all and some are really hurtful, especially the ones about previous girlfriends - horrendously insensitive. The only thing that I can assume is that your mil is somehow threatened by you (not because of anything you do) but because the way you are plugs into some sort of insecurity on her part and she wants to project this on to you.........what does your DH think of his mother's behaviour I wonder. Does she make these comments about previus girfriends in his presence because if so I think he should politely tell her this is unnecessary and inappropriate.

I think there must be a lot of mils out there who just have not come to terms with the fact that their sons are no longer No 1 in their life. It IS a process that you have to go through and when the girlfriends come along you do start wondering which one will be the "one" or maybe your dil and that is a normal thing to do. For me I was disappointed when one long term girlfriend as no more and was replaced quite quickly and yes sometimes very vey secretly I think of her but would never ever breathe a word of this to my son let alone my dil. One of my dils used to ask a lot about her P's previous girlfriends saying that he wouldn't tell her much but I used to laugh it off saying "oh lord with 3 sons I lost count of who was who sometimes" which wasn't strictly true but I didn't think it was something I shoul dbe discussing with her.

I don't think you are being over sensitive and it sounds like your mil is possibly a self centred kind of woman? Again I think we older women who are mils and g/prtns need others in our position to talk with and I amlucky in that respect but I don't think this is the case for all women so their feelings neverget aired or discussed or challenged by people in the samne situation.

sorry I meant to say "it wore off with later babies" not "worse off"

NanaNina you were being sensitive and still are.
Your post was insidious imo. The length and tone was quite smug. 'I'm such a wonderful MIL and I've lost my son yadda yadda yadda.'
Something about it just doesn't ring true. Can't put my finger on it but........

I didn't feel you gave any insight particularly. Yes our children grow up and leave. Fact of life. I still disagree with the sadness and loss aspect because as someone rightly stated in most cases men had left home long before they got married. Maybe MILs felt sadness and loss then too but had no one to take it out on?
If you have a good relationship with your children there is no reason for them to suddenly disappear just because they find a new partner. Unless that partner is made to feel unwelcome perhaps?

Just read again what some of these ladies are saying about how they were treated and spoken to in the lead up to their weddings for example. Hardly makes for a loving trusting relationship does it?

My post was about the MILs who don't get it and continue to cause problems for their children where none exist. You seem to take it rather personally, I wonder why? There was no reason to if you are such a wonderful MIL. And we are all in agreement that there are wonderful MILs out there.

NiftyFifty you are either NanaNina in disguise or you must be the most mindful wife ever. 'I don't think hurts the DW/DIL to do that now and again for the sake of keeping the family together.' You are laying the responsibility of a man's relationship with his mother squarely at the feet of a DIL. Each individual should take responsibility for extended relationships with their side of the family. No it probably doesn't hurt to nudge your DH and I'm sure we've all done it from time to time but does the MIL have a right to take it out on the DIL if it doesn't happen? Is the DIL automatically to blame?

I recommend the other thread to posters, makes for some interesting reading doesn't it NanaNina?

diddl I have always been quite frank with my MIL. I don't sweat the small stuff but if it's something regarding the DCs I just say what's on my mind. To be fair it must have been quite difficult for her to get used to but in the long run she knows I'm not harbouring anything personal - just that I'm quite stubborn about doing some things my way.
She is even able to talk me round on occasion but it does take an awful lot on both sides to build a relationship like that. I can see why many would falter and I have seen/heard far too many incidents that convinces me that some MILs are troublemakers and bullies.

Freakname...the 3 divorced siblings present had been married to:
a wife beater
a heroin addict (who became a prostitute to service her habit)
a woman who threw husband and children out on the street and sold the house, bought a flat for her and her lover and left her children penniless and homeless

Thus was my MIL glad her last child to marry apparently was not marrying a loon, and also, that she would not have to financially support either of us for years as she had the others.

mrsconflicted she is really pushing all the buttons isn't she?

You need to stop enabling her and allowing her to say these things to you. Can you not remove yourself as soon as she starts down this line of bitchiness? Take control of the situation rather than passively absorbing her nasty comments?

Miggsie whatever their circumstances is it necessary at a wedding to point out other people's failed relationships? Do you think they deserved to have their noses rubbed in it? There is such a thing as tact and diplomacy.

I didn´t make it clear.

We don´t particularly get on-just different personalities.

But we don´t not get on, IYSWIM.

The problem is that for some reason FIL seems to think MIL is a delicate flower and spends all his time being careful what he says.

My husband would also "tiptoe around her".

She however would say what she liked without thought.

Hence the upset.

Looking back I don´t think it was deliberate, on her part,but I did dwell on it too much & I was building up bad feeling unnecessarily.

It´s also a problem when you don´t know someone all that well!!

Do you tiptoe around her as well? That 'eggshell' dynamic was part of 'their' family before you came along and if you were brought up differently I can see why it would be abrasive to you. They probably do it without noticing that it's even happening.

I suspect FIL doesn't think she's a delicate flower but he really likes a quiet life

No, no tiptoeing from me!

That´s not to say that I´m deliberately rude, of course.
(Only when absolutely necessary,!)

Husband isn´t so tiptoey now either, & I think it´s made things easier than him.

I can´t help thinking if FIL does it to have control.

There are certain things that only he knows about and he can decide if/when to tell her.

Some DIL's who have relationship problems with the MIL have been indeed brought up in families where someone wanting all the power/control/their own way all the time just didn't happen. It is thus very difficult for such women to deal with if they come across this in their adult lives. And it is usually when they have children of their own that these problems (which are often long standing within the family) become even more apparant.

I fully appreciate that some MILs are genuinely nice and open and I am always glad to read of good relationships. But do spare a thought for the ones who do not and it is not always the DIL who is at fault here. If people have been raised in emotionally healthy functionning families an overt need to want to be in charge or show "I am in charge" (like my MIL does), take control or dominate the entire family by playing divide and conquer would not arise.

People play out roles within such dysfunctional families. Many of these men often tiptoe around their Mum and can be both unwilling or unable to talk to them openly. The FIL/their Dad is often the bystander and acts out of self preservation and his want of a quiet life. The sons of such controlling MILs are also conditioned into accepting that theit Mum's behaviour is "normal" when it is to an "outsider" i.e the DIL or even other family members or friends it is clearly not.

No sillysalley, you are not at all being unreasonable. I'd be interested to hear what your H actually thinks of his parents actions and whether he has been able to challenge them on it.

Good for you

Ticking all the boxes Attila
control
divide and conquer
dysfunctional
bystander

To be fair to DHs in these situations it is 'normal' because it's the only dynamic they've known. I guess the dilemma is how they then attempt to deal with it (if at all) when it surfaces after children as you say. Let's face it becoming a parent yourself can make you evaluate your own childhood and how you see your parents.

Nananina I think it is very interesting to have a MIL perspective on the feelings of loss a mother can have. It's not just mother son relationships that can be like this. My mum reacted in this way when I got together with my DH. It can be difficult for a parent to let go of a child, in my case I am an only child, my parents are divorced and my mum lost her mum at 15 and so it was very hard for her to deal with the changing dynamic. She had not learnt how mothers and daughters interact as adults and I am the most important person in her life. It is not the same as when you move out because there is now someone who is more important in your life than your mum and this can be hard for some parents to adjust to.

My mum tried a lot of the tricks that other MIl in other posts have done and it was a very difficult time to get through. I am lucky that my DH was and is very understanding and realised how important my mum is in my life. I completely understand how many DIL's feel betrayed, both by the fact that they are being subtely undermined and by lack of support from their partners, but from being on the other side it is very hard to try to balance supporting your partner and finding a way to explain to your mum that their behaviour is unnaceptable when it is coming from their love for you, even if it an unhealthy one. And until now it may not be that you have been colluding in your mums behaviour, in my case it was the first time my mum had seen that there may be someone I may choose to spend my life with and therefore threaten her emotionally. It also does not mean that she does not want her son to be happy, my mum wanted me to be happy but could not cope with how the situation made her feel.

It is too easy to see these MIL's as just evil controlling people without accepting that they love their children very much. If my MIL had treated me the way my mother treated my DP I don't think our relationship could have survived it. But because it was my mum I was determined that we would get through it and after several difficult years of re-establishing boundaries we are all able to have a close relatioinship.

Now we're having to re-adjust to the GP relationship as we have a DS, but that's another story!

But if they love their children, why are they being nasty to their childrens partner?

I can´t follow the logic, TBH.

'If my MIL had treated me the way my mother treated my DP I don't think our relationship could have survived it'

your relationship with your mum or your DH dee78?

"But if they love their children, why are they being nasty to their childrens partner?"

I think it is because at heart they do not want to relinquish their power and control. My MIL for instance has actively kept one of her sons dependent on her with predictable results. The love they have for their children has become twisted and unhealthy because they are at heart not emotionally healthy or happy themeselves.