to STILL dislike my PIL's?

[sillysalley]

After 11 years of trying ...

Over the last few months, I have tried wtih all my might to TRY to like them, but I think we are just cut out of completely different cloth, and well I just dont 'get' them!

There is so much to mention about them and how we have got on over the past 11 years, but I have just come to the decision - it will just never be one of those relationships. And it makes me pretty sad really! To try to explain a little, they seem to revel in annoying me, maybe it s just me but ...

I ll give an example, I have asked (many many many times) that they only buy DS presents for a reason (I want him to begin to understand that we need to work hard to get things and we dont get what we want for nothing etc)e.g. birthday, christmas, presents from holiday, or more importantly for doing something good/ helpful etc

Well they just dont listen, they buy him something everytime we visit (1-2 times a week). It is driving me crazy and now DS is beginning to expect it!

I promise you, I really have tried to get on with them, I know there are much worse PIL's. But they just seem to 'rubbish' my parenting and do it their way IYSWIM.

I meant my relationship with my DH freakname, but in reality it would have been both. I just couldn't have had any relationship with a MIL who behaved as badly to me as my mother did to my DH. I am lucky that he was so mature about it because if the situation was reversed I would have refused to have anything to do with his mum. He also accepted that it was for me to deal with alone, he could not resolve it, which let me deal with it in the way that I thought was most suitable but he probably thought was a little too slowly and bit by bit rather than having it out. I don't think a DIL can ever resolve these situations, it is always going to be up to the child of the person to fix the problem as they're the one with the relationship with them.

However by him behaving in this way it meant that I addressed the relationship with my mum, which I may not have been able to do so easily if he had reacted badly as I would be dealing with two problems. That's why I think it's so important to remain united when dealing with difficult MIL relationships and try to approach it rationally as hard as this is.

I think it's hard as a DIL to cope with this kind of behaviour as you have no emotional attachment to your MIL. If it hadn't been my mum who I love and know well so could see she wasn't just being a bitch but was obviously upset too I would have never seen her again.

Oh dear Freakname - I am being accused of taking things personally and you wonder why, BUT for what it's worth I think your comments to me are somewhat personal and a little insulting.

I have read and absorbed on this thread and other threads about the way in which some dils describe their mils and I have always said that it sounds horrible for them (the dils I mean) and have never tried to defend all mils, but you don't seem to want to accept that for some reason. You are also taking issue with Niftyfifty because she doesn't agree with you...........hmm - think that says a lot. I think you are one of those posters who only like posters who agree with you or have the same problems as you. I don't know what you mean about "recommending other threads to posters" but I thought it was MN etiquette that you shouldn't refer to other threads?

I'm glad you are not my dil!

Dee78 - WHAT an interesting perspective on this issue........fascinating.

Didl and others who don't understand my feelings - I don't honestly think you will understand until you are a MIL yourself and of course most of you will be. I certainly would not have understood it when I was a young mother with an interfering MIL and may well have reacted in the same way as some of you are, SO I think it best for me not to try to discuss these feelings with women who are still dils rather than mils. You may not have any kind of similar feelings when your turn comes around but with the benefit of hindsight I can now understand my mil so much more and the reaons why she was interfering and how she always appeared to be defending her sons.

Thats exactly right NanaNina. You took offence because I didn't agree with your first post. Sadness and loss remember? Try and read them in order they might make sense.

I don't have an 'issue' with Nifty I have an 'issue' with what she said as it puts the responsibility of a DH's relationship with his own mother on the DIL. I do not agree with this and since this is AIBU I am will within my rights to say so. Nice manipulation by the way in trying to drag Nifty into this! Such a MIL thing to do!

YOU are making it personal my dear, it is very apparent by the tone and length of your posts. The rest of us are just going back and forth. I stand by my original 'insidious' comment. You are stealth MIL on here with an agenda.

Oh and why be so worried about other posters finding the other thread Nana? Might it illuminate another side to you?

'SO I think it best for me not to try to discuss these feelings with women who are still dils rather than mils'. Suits me.

Well, we all have our own experiences, which obviously colour our perspectives.

My MIL showed no interest in me until I was pregnant, & it was suddenly most important that we became the best of friends!

With all the effort on my part!!

Now I know all MILs are not like this.

Doesn´t stop me sympathising with DILs who don´t have good relationships with their MILs.

I love my MIL, she's off round the world on holiday and I'm counting the days till she gets back.

When I first met her, I found her controlling, interfering and frankly bonkers. After a few honest "exchanges of opinion" (screaming rows), she and I calmed down and she has been wonderfully supportive of me and the choices I have made over the last 15 years.

We still argue, but she knows I love her, so it usually ends in laughter. I wouldn't change a hair on her head.

sillysalley - if you have tried to get on with pil without success then that is the main thing. Not every relationship works out - keep investing in relationships that work, i.e that of your dh and kids.

If you have given it 11 years then it sounds like you have given it a good shot.

Each relationship is different - it is pretty healthy that you vent about it, but I would let them give your kids presents. I would let it go and lead by example - easier said than done but life is too short.

I think Attila hit on a point - sometimes people try to project their own control onto others, (say in the examples given of a mil to a dil), when they are not happy with their own lives. best of luck.

Freakname - can I say that I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever about others "finding" the other thread and I actually started this post be referring to the fact that I had had bad experiences on another thread. My comment about MN etiquette and not referring to another thread was ironically something I was told by more than one poster on the other thread to which you refer, but then again I'm a mil, so there may be different rules for mils and dils! I have far more important things to worry about than a few lines of text by anonymous people on the internet! Quite how you interpret my comments about MN etiquette as me being worried is beyond me. Your comment on the length and tone on my posts also confirms my belief that once I am "outed" as a mil (for some women) then I can do no right.

There is one point I'd like to raise. You have twice referred to the fact "that I am behaving like a typical mil" which is a comment many others made on the other thread. Now if a woman posts on here about a difficult relationship with her mother, daughter, sister, SIL, niece aunt, granny etc and another woman posts, giving a different perpesctive on the relationship I somehow don't think she would be called a "typical mother, daughter, sister, SIL, niece, aunt, granny etc" - she would be accpeted as another WOMAN giving her comments and yes there may well be disagreement but she would still be just another woman. SO maybe you can tell me how it is that a woman like myself who happens to be a MIL is so accused? For what it's worth I think this is because it suits some women like yourself to believe that all MILs are dysfunctional, controlling or whatever else and stereotype them in this way.

You say you have a good r/ship with your mil but your OP was about the time your DH spends with his mother, no less than before he was married, SO forgive me if I am wrong but I suspect this causes you some concern and hence your original comment that the daft little rhyme I posted about "a daughters a daughter etc" - makes you vomit.

I think the mistake I made was trusting my feelings to people who are not prepared to listen to the mil/dil thing from a different perspective. A stealth MIL with an agenda eh -phew not sure what that is, but don't others have "agendas" on here or is it only mils who have them.

So far you are the only person to start being negative about my posts, so that's not bad going at all and may even make me linger a little longer.

Freakname - can I say that I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever about others "finding" the other thread and I actually started this post be referring to the fact that I had had bad experiences on another thread. My comment about MN etiquette and not referring to another thread was ironically something I was told by more than one poster on the other thread to which you refer, but then again I'm a mil, so there may be different rules for mils and dils! I have far more important things to worry about than a few lines of text by anonymous people on the internet! Quite how you interpret my comments about MN etiquette as me being worried is beyond me. Your comment on the length and tone on my posts also confirms my belief that once I am "outed" as a mil (for some women) then I can do no right.

There is one point I'd like to raise. You have twice referred to the fact "that I am behaving like a typical mil" which is a comment many others made on the other thread. Now if a woman posts on here about a difficult relationship with her mother, daughter, sister, SIL, niece aunt, granny etc and another woman posts, giving a different perpesctive on the relationship I somehow don't think she would be called a "typical mother, daughter, sister, SIL, niece, aunt, granny etc" - she would be accpeted as another WOMAN giving her comments and yes there may well be disagreement but she would still be just another woman. SO maybe you can tell me how it is that a woman like myself who happens to be a MIL is so accused? For what it's worth I think this is because it suits some women like yourself to believe that all MILs are dysfunctional, controlling or whatever else and stereotype them in this way.

You say you have a good r/ship with your mil but your OP was about the time your DH spends with his mother, no less than before he was married, SO forgive me if I am wrong but I suspect this causes you some concern and hence your original comment that the daft little rhyme I posted about "a daughters a daughter etc" - makes you vomit.

I think the mistake I made was trusting my feelings to people who are not prepared to listen to the mil/dil thing from a different perspective. A stealth MIL with an agenda eh -phew not sure what that is, but don't others have "agendas" on here or is it only mils who have them.

So far you are the only person to start being negative about my posts, so that's not bad going at all and may even make me linger a little longer.

SORRY didn't mean to post twice - comes of being a MIL I reckon!!

"A daughter's a daughter all of her life and a son's a son till he gets him a wife."

I too dislike this saying - I think it is an old irish saying which is way past its use by date, as it reinforces old stereotypes so I can see why Freakname did not warm to it.

Also, and I hope you take this constructively but whenever posts start by addressing someone with "Oh dear x" then I tend not to read on as it comes across as an old fashioned and dismissive form of address.

But TBH, NanaNina, those of us who don´t particularly get on with our MILs, get that it´s not the same for all DILs, and we get that not all MILs are deliberately nasty/can´t let go of their sons or whatever.

TBH, I don´t really see why you feel the need to defend MILs,because from what I can see, DILs are not saying "my MIL is evil therefore they must all be".

freakname - you sounds like a nasty piece of work. Give NanaNina a break, she hasn't said anything remotely offensive.

LOL Nana!

Ok first of all Nana, if you lack self awareness then it's not something I can help you with. Why use 10 words when you can use 1000? You cannot see you are behaving like a 'typical' MIL but that's your problem.

If you are truly sincere you will consider your tone when posting because it is too patronising to stomach. If that's the impression you want to give then that's fine but it is the first clue in why you end up a cropper on MIL threads. Start there.

As for my comments about my DH and MIL if you read them again you will notice that I switch to speaking in the 3rd person and use the term 'some Mils'. I am moving from speaking about my own experience to being objective about what might be happening elsewhere. I think other people made that mental leap.

There is no 'concern' about how often DH speaks to MIL because
a) she is not like you.
b) I have no agenda being family oriented. [halo emoticon]

lazyemma I would suspect you were Nana in disguise but your post is too short

I am not trying to be 'nasty'. All I have done is disagree with her comments. I do confess I am instinctively incredulous about much of what she is saying tbh.

This is AIBU after all.

Freakname - what is your problem? You just keep having a go... Nananina hasn't done anything to you and reading as an outsider I can't believe your nasty replies.

My MIL has an only son & an only daughter. It took me a while to bond with her (loads of issues re: our religion, geography etc) but I am now at a place where if I need her she's there, she texts me jokes, she forwards emails, she bys me little bits that she sees & thinks I might like... however, I will always know that her daughter's DH is favoured over me.

I don't mind really, she's a good granny to my children & she brought my dh up to be the loving man that I married - for that alone she deserves some credit.

if you think disagreeing = nasty then ok but I firmly stand by everything I have said.

Sorry.

Why do you passively accept the favouratism? Have you done something to deserve it? Are you less worthy in some way?

Freakname, back off. FRom reading a very interesting thread it is only you that stands out as being oversensitive and really rather aggressive in your posts.

Nana has only tried to put across a different perspective in her posts. A perspective you have relentlessly tried to interpret as negative and attacking.

favouritism

No Jeepers I don't need to back off. This is AIBU.

You are rather aggressive don't you think?

Er I've been following this thread and I don't think freakname has done anything wrong actually.

She has made some good points too.

I 'passively accept' the favouritism because it suits me to.

It means I'm not called at 3am for an airport run, it means I don't have to taxi them when they drink too much, it means I don't have to have them on Christmas day, Easter Sunday, New Years Eve etc.... she'd rather be with her dd & bil and that's fine by me.

She still visits us, we visit her, she babysits etc.... I just don't the the antisocial behaviour or the nocturnal calls.

I always thought the AIBU was to the original post, not necessarily picking on any of the other posts.

Coming a bit late to this having had a germ of a comment in my mind a couple of days ago, so I hope this is read in isolation from all the bilateral conversations which are peppering the thread...

That saying, "a daughter's a daughter..." is interesting because it must come from somewhere, I mean it must have a cultural basis. I'm fond of thinking back to what might have been the situation a hundred years ago or further, when people had large families. Or think of rural third world families now. One of the children is usually designated (the least marriageable? the youngest? I don't know) as the parents' carer when they reach old age. Daughters, through the ages, have often been a net cost to the parents - not strong enough to work the land, etc, and "worth" more married off. E.g. dowry as a bribe to get a husband-man to take responsibility for her, or bride-price if she's a prime specimen .

So, daughters disposed of to marriage and a couple of sons off starting their own farms/trades/wars, these bygone traditional families would be left with the weaker/malleable/pathetic sons most likely to look after them into old age. Is this the deep cultural root of many men's mothers wanting to keep some level of emotional hold over them, so that they feel obliged to look after dear old ma in her dotage?