to STILL dislike my PIL's?

[sillysalley]

After 11 years of trying ...

Over the last few months, I have tried wtih all my might to TRY to like them, but I think we are just cut out of completely different cloth, and well I just dont 'get' them!

There is so much to mention about them and how we have got on over the past 11 years, but I have just come to the decision - it will just never be one of those relationships. And it makes me pretty sad really! To try to explain a little, they seem to revel in annoying me, maybe it s just me but ...

I ll give an example, I have asked (many many many times) that they only buy DS presents for a reason (I want him to begin to understand that we need to work hard to get things and we dont get what we want for nothing etc)e.g. birthday, christmas, presents from holiday, or more importantly for doing something good/ helpful etc

Well they just dont listen, they buy him something everytime we visit (1-2 times a week). It is driving me crazy and now DS is beginning to expect it!

I promise you, I really have tried to get on with them, I know there are much worse PIL's. But they just seem to 'rubbish' my parenting and do it their way IYSWIM.

You are right, MorrisZapp, I think some people expect too much.

Although sadly, I have got on with friends parents and boyfriends parents much better than my ILs!

It is sad as we all love my husband.

My MIL still mentions the fact that husband didn´t make it to grammar school

And that his degree was a 2:1

And that he works in an office (thereby sitting on his ärse all day, effectively getting paid for nothing).

Basically, he´s a disappointment

So, to summarise
a) we don't like it when MILs care too much; and
b) we don't like it when they don't care enough.

Trying to look at this from the MIL's perspective, I'm beginning to see the benefits of having a girl

I think you´ve got it, Fajitas!

Hijack alert - Just wanted to say to NanaNina that you sound like a lovely person, and I don't know about the other thread, but I've noticed you posting a few times on MIL threads and have always found your perspective helpful.

I'm a long-standing DIL, but only recently mother to only DGC to MIL. She is a lovely, lovely person, and if I say, met her at work, we would get on very well I think. But even so there is some tension in our relationship sometimes. I know that I am very sensitive to anything that I can interpret as even potentially critical (why do we do this to ourselves?!), and honestly I recognise that sometimes the poor woman couldn't say anything without me getting a bit annoyed. I guess it's the unhappy combination of new mummy anxiety/tiredness with new granny excitement etc that you describe. I think we're getting better at it though.

Of course, I think I've seen you post before that DHs can be a little naughty, in that they aren't entirely honest with their DWs or DMs. So, as an eg, my DH jealously guards his weekends and evenings, and doesn't want to spend many of them with MIL. We want DS to have a good relationship with MIL, so I have suggested to her she come during the week when it is just me and DS. We've started trying this, and on the first couple of times it has gone okay I think. But MIL wants to stay into evening to see DH, but he doesn't want that to be very often (she's going to be coming once a fortnight). I'm sure MIL is going to think it is me who doesn't want her to stay though. Before DS was born, DH probably saw MIL every couple of months - which suited him, but you'll be able to guess, not her. Of course, when we first met, DH lived with MIL (in his early 20s), so she would be within her rights on one level to think that I have taken him away from her.

Sorry for the ramble, but just wanted you to know that your words of wisdom are appreciated by somebody!

Nice post NanaNina. Really refreshing point of view too. You sound like a lovely MIL.

IsItMeOr

Yes, similar thing.

My parents visited once a week to see me & grandchildren.

Usually stayed until husband got in, just to say hello, then left.

Offered same to ILs.

No, not good enough, wanted whole day with their son & grandchildren.

OK, I can see that.

That put it to weekends.

Husband didn´t want to see them every weekend.

They consequently didn´t see soof of their grandchildren, and would always do a big scene of how they´d missed them,hadn´t they changed/grown.

Gran & Grandad would come more often if they could!

"So, to summarise
a) we don't like it when MILs care too much; and
b) we don't like it when they don't care enough."

But 'caring too much' and interfering seem to mean the same thing!

I for one really really don't get the jealousy a grown woman would feel for her adult ds falling in love and having a relationship with another person. To me, that's weird. Really weird.

diddl We get a similar complaint in that since DP moved 30 miles from his home town to move in with me, the PILs (especially my FIL) are constantly making 'jokes' around us being strangers and how they've forgotten what we look like...

... yet, we see them at least once a fortnight, if not more often. (In fact, DP will see them at least once a week because he regularly goes home to watch his local football team.)

There's also a strange (and IMO, unhealthy) family dynamic in that while MIL and FIL live together, they divorced 15 years ago and don't actually get on. FIL sleeps in the spare room and seems to be banished upstairs while MIL gets the run of the house. They constantly bicker about who gets to spend time with their other son's daughter (they get fiercely jealous if the other has time with GD on her own), and often emotionally blackmail DP and his brother over taking sides in their regular arguments.

(For instance - FIL said last week after a row with MIL that he wouldn't stay for our wedding evening reception in five weeks' time as he wouldn't be welcome. WTF?)

None of DP's family knows yet that I am pregnant, but I am already concerned at their expectations about how often they see us and which of them will get to spend time with our baby. I may be worrying about nothing, but their behaviour towards each other doesn't exactly inspire me to want to spend time with them, so am already dreading having to tackle this in six months time...

I shouldn´t moan, they´re not that bad, certainly not deliberately nasty, although they do seem to think it´s up to us to do all the visiting.

It´s the whole guilt thing, even though they could have seen grandchildren more often, but chose not to, that I hated.

Congratulations,VivClicquot

That´s certainly a different arrangement that your ILs have!

That's what gets me with their, "we've forgotten what you look like" comment - there's absolutely nothing to stop them driving the 30min journey to our house, but they expect us to visit them all the time.

And yes, it's a random arrangement to say the least. What makes it even more weird is that every now and then, they DO get on and will be caught giggling and flirting like teenagers. It's once in a blue moon though!

Sorry, disagree, some MILs are bitches and compete for attention or presume control in situations inappropriately.
They are used to being whatever and when someone else comes along that blows that out of the water they get terribly crafty and devious and manipulative.
They actively seek problems to blame the DIL.

And no DIL ever does that, eh?

(Even if/when she becomes a MIL herself?)

I am whispring this in a rather shamefaced way because I think op may be right but I always used to have a little something in my bag when I visited dgs usually choc buttons or a little car.Then he started to say,'Whats in your bag pranma?'as soon as he saw me.I realised that what dd and her dh had been saing was right and I stopped doing it.When he asked I just said,'Nothing'and he soon stopped asking.Anything I buy I give to dd to give as a reward for something like a poo in the potty or really good behaviour.I empathise with the grandparents though-its so hard when there are lovely little t-shirts and toys and books etc.sighhhhh

I've found you don't need to. Just participate in family life. Bake cakes, send cards, let them see the kids as often as they want. Facilitate, facilitate, facilitate.....
She goes off the rails trying to bait you and she does it all by herself meanwhile the rest of the family think she's lost it.

In our case she has

Oh Pranma, that´s sad.
I can´t believe people would begrudge a little car or chocolate buttons.

If my parents bought something small they would just ask is it OK to give now,should the sweets/choc wait until after lunch?

But I fear that "Let them see the kids as often as they want" will mean letting them move in. Which is what they did when my SIL had children. For almost an entire year. (I think she was happy for the help - it was twins). But it has set a dangerous precedent. It isn't what I want. At all.

Fajitas don't worry, if she's anything like my MIL she won't really be interested in your kids that much. It's a winwin situation. You get to appear to do the right thing (what extended family sees) without the negative side effects.
YES mine moved in with SIL too! Well she didn't but she would have - it's as bad as that iyswim.
SIL needs to lie around like Jabba the Hut while MIL relives her past and acts like she gave birth to the kids. She does everything. Feeding, cleaning, cooking, nigthwakings. SILs DCs are emotionally fragile and tantrum at everything - bedtimes, mealtimes, outings, potty training. Picture a scene from SuperNanny.
I'm waiting for when the kids are no longer willing captives and they start to have desires of their own and are able to vocalise it clearly.
I've noticed she can't handle it when they have a preference that doesn't match hers and half their tantrums are from her coersion. SIL of course is oblivious so long as she doesn't have to leave her indolent state.

Ernest, its when the MIL doesn't get what she wants from DH (his choice) that she cannot accept her PFB would be like that so IT MUST be the DIL controlling him and keeping him away from her.

NO, it's because he has a life of his own which doesn't revolve around MIL because he works and when he isn't working there are other people higher up on list that he WANTS to see (such as his wife and kids!).

She can have that relationship with SIL because SIL doesn't work and likes her mum in her face 24/7.

D'you see the difference?

DIL is not to blame for this scenario. It was always thus, looong before she arrived on the scene but hey what an easy scapegoat.

I guess I was lucky. I really really loved my mil.

I find it hard reading mil bashing, cos I really wish I still had mine, and I really wish my dc still had someone to spoil them and go mad at Christmas, and OTT with the and slip them sweets at times I wouldn't. And they do too.