Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect someone to give up a seat on a train for a pg woman?

149 replies

watercress · 06/10/2009 10:42

I'm sure this has been done to death, but I've commuted into London a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, and have never managed to get a seat. I'm only 21 weeks pg, but am quite slight so my bump is blindingly obvious (people ask to touch it!).

I know that it isn't always obvious when people need to sit down, so I really don't like asking, but at one point I was literally the only person in my carriage standing!

Am starting to think that all Londoners are mean-spirited and selfish (but then I suppose I'm being selfish in wanting to sit down). Or very unobservant.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 06/10/2009 11:17

YANBU. Many people are selfish these days. When I was pg I could barely walk (and was on modified best rest after going into labour several times and having a stitch.. so only went on when had to and tried to sit down everywhere) and when i took my DSs swimming, I had to literally race for a seat for the half hour lesson. It was usually middle aged men who pushed passed me to gain a seat. They still do it now when I am carrying a baby.

I always stand up and offer a seat for pg women, people with disabilities and older people and I teach my kids to do it too.

Original poster
watercress · 06/10/2009 11:18

I'm kind of relieved that other people have had similar experiences as it means that maybe I'm not invisible...

Cornish I have also been raced to a seat, and on the occasion a couple of weeks ago when I was the only soul standing in my carriage, was even pushed out of the way. And last time I was pg, I asked someone to move their bag off a seat so I could sit down, and got a mouthful of abuse in reply (though the rest of the carriage stepped in at that point).

roulade, calling asking for a seat "pro-active" has made me feel much better about it as in my head I had dubbed it "selfish". I must swallow my shyness and just do it.

OP posts:
mummygirl · 06/10/2009 11:21

RubiMama, I used to live in greece and noticed that too. Even after I had DC2, my babies always seemed to be my ticket to the front of any qeue :-)

lucasnorth · 06/10/2009 11:34

I live in London.
I've never ask a specific person for a seat - as others have said, you never know if they might need one too. In fact, asking someone in a priority seat to get up is partilcularly high-risk for this! When I was very pg, if no-one offered, I would say to the carriage in general (not looking at anyone in particular) "please would someone mind letting me sit down". Never failed.

tethersend · 06/10/2009 12:02

While heavily pg, I was going to work and got on a packed tube... there were a couple of teenage boys in the doorway listening to music really loudly on their phones and generally looking to rub people up the wrong way it seemed.

However, when they saw me getting on, they moved to make a space for me, then proceeded to shout at the rest of the rest of the packed carriage to 'get up and let the pregnant lady sit down', with just the right amount of intimidation in their voice.

People were falling over themselves to offer me a seat, it was hilarious and totally made up for all the times everyone had raised their paper to eye level and ignored the bump in their face

Those boys were my heroes... and I made sure they knew it!

ramonaquimby · 06/10/2009 12:06

yes that's right, Londoner's are selfish
bit sweeping

you're an adult
ask someone for their seat

tillyfernackerpants · 06/10/2009 12:16

tethersend, funny you should say that about the teenagers. Its always been the intimidating boys that have either got me a seat or helped me with the pushchair up & down stairs!

watercress, I feel for you, I once had a businessman rest his newspaper on my bump on the tube!

BalloonSlayer · 06/10/2009 12:40

arf at "I'm not getting up, I've got piles"

Personally I would rather stand any length of time, even with a poorly bot, than announce to a train carriage full of strangers that I've got piles. Particularly British strangers who would find it hilarious.

anniemac · 06/10/2009 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 06/10/2009 12:49

You are pregnant though, not ill. Many people need to sit down more than a pregnant woman (I have back problems so standing on a swaying train for any length of time can be painful). If you really need to sit down, you should ask.

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 06/10/2009 12:50

I didn't feel the need to sit down when pregnant with DS1 and working until about 34 weeks or so. It would have been nice to sit down though.

benandalex · 06/10/2009 12:57

I think the thing is just because someone looks fit and healthy dosent necessarily mean they are I look ok but I have more probs now than I ever did when pregnant due to a condtion I was born with .

anniemac · 06/10/2009 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nickytwotimes · 06/10/2009 13:02

COme on, not everyone sat on their arse has an underlying health issue, have they?

ramonaquimby · 06/10/2009 13:09

sorry think i was a bit harsh

why not just ask next time? most people would be reasonable about it.

diddl · 06/10/2009 13:18

I think it´s down to having to ask.

Some women would be insulted, I guess.

Vinomum · 06/10/2009 13:27

You have to remember that people who commute into London spend a small fortune on their season ticket so are reluctant to give up their seats if they're lucky enough to get a seat themselves (not that that is an excuse for bad manners but is still true). IME however people did generally give their seats up for me when I was pg, without me having to ask.

Assuming you are generally fit and healthy then I don't think that being pregnant entitles you to a seat more than anyone else, until the last trimester when you're really big and heavy. At 21 weeks I would think you'd be able to stand for a while and it doesn't sound like you're a regular commuter having to do it all the time. So yes I think YABU.

As a non-pg commuter I hope I'm not mean-spirited and selfish - but I probably am guilty of being unobservant as I get stuck into a book the second I get on the train as it's the only chance I get to have some peace and quiet to read!

BTW some train companies will allow you to sit in first class when you're over 21 weeks PG (I know SWT do).

daisymaybe · 06/10/2009 13:29

I'm a Londoner, born and bred. I always help with buggies, suitcases etc when I see someone struggling. Sometimes i get to carry the baby up the stairs and that's nice I also always give up my seat on public transport for pregnant women but it's pretty scary - much easier when there is no ambiguity at all for fear of making a mortifying error. The elderly are also pretty risky - most of the time they're really grateful and say thank you, but more than once I have been shouted down (usually by old men) and told they don't need it. And I'm not talking 60/70 yr olds, more like eighties.

Just be gracious and take the seat!

Oh and I've been helped too - struggling down really steep steps carrying a buggy with one arm and trying to steady a toddler with another - when a boy that can only be described as a "hoodie" offered to carry the buggy. Lovely.

mumoverseas · 06/10/2009 13:31

YANBU but surely you realise that as a pregnant woman you are invisible to most men?

During the summer I stupidly took my 4 DC to London to meet some friends. On the way home it was rush hour and we had to stand up. The eldest two were fine but my DD2 then aged 2+ was having trouble with her balance and kept clinging onto my leg and I was holding DS2 then aged around 5 months and at one point having to b/f him standing up with DD hanging off my leg.
Funny how so many people look away. Tossers

foxinsocks · 06/10/2009 13:31

ha eldon, lots of train stations in london you know!

I never ever look up on the train. You could be giving birth in front of me and as long as you did it quietly, I'd still not think you needed a seat. The seats on most of the london suburban trains are such that it's quite hard to see over them anyway.

On the bus I normally notice (unless heaving) and the same goes for the tube (unless totally packed). I always notice elderly folk though and offer them a seat but I think they are easier to spot.

Basically, if you don't ask, you have to rely on someone noticing and you've also got the is she pregnant or fat question that might go through your head (sorry, but true).

anniemac · 06/10/2009 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Vinomum · 06/10/2009 13:42

Personally I wouldn't dream of taking small children onto a packed rush hour train unless it was absolutely unavoidable. It's horrible for the children, stressful for you as a parent, and hideous for other commuters.

Nellykats · 06/10/2009 13:50

I really hate it when people say that you're not entitled to a seat when pregnant. Well, at least for the priority ones YES you are. Pregnancy made me lose my balance a lot, maybe it was the big bump, maybe it was my constant sleepiness - I was forever prone to falling!
Also, especially in a crowded tube or bus you can very easily get pushed aside or knocked by a speedy passer-by so for me sitting down was the only way to ensure I wouldn't get hit on my bump.

sweetsherry · 06/10/2009 13:53

Hi - 1st post!

No-one made any allowances for me when I was pregnant..I kept hoping, but it didn't happen.

OTOH, I would always give up a seat for a visibly pg woman, or someone with a child/children.

BUT I did think dark thoughts about doing so when I was going through the three years of TTC before I finally conceived my son and by the end I hated seeing pg women.

Felt quite hard done by and 'woe-is-me' to have to give up a seat when I was feeling tired, depressed and usually travel sick so a shiny-faced smug happy pregnant person could sit down...

So I tried hard not to be a smug pregnant person. No OTT bump rubbing or 'I love my bump' T-shirts for me, I know how much these can grate on the long-term TTCers...

undercoverelephant · 06/10/2009 13:56

I only ever asked for a seat once while pregnant with DD. I was feeling dizzy on my DLR commute, so when a seat came up I said loudly to the woman in front of me "excuse me, would you mind if I sat down?" She sighed heavily, and it was only after I lugged myself into the seat that I realised she too was pregnant!

Never asked after that...!