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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 2.9 is too little to be left alone at 3 yr old's birthday party?

59 replies

Hoppity · 03/10/2009 14:26

My DD1 (aged 2.9) has been invited to a 3rd birthday party, a little girl from pre-school.

We don't know the child, the parents or where they live. So, very kind of them to invite us (got the invitation via the teacher, couldn't even say what child or parents look like).

I want to stay during the party, but have been advised by friend in the country where we live that this is not done and I have to drop off DD to fend for herself with strangers

She has not yet settled at school, separation anxiety in full swing, she understands but does not speak alot of the local language.......

AIBU to check with other mother and if she says drop off is mandatory, not to let DD go?
Surely I am not BU?

I intend to send present and card anyway to show no hard feelings....

OP posts:
ChunkyChick · 03/10/2009 14:32

YANBU. Absolutely no way would I leave such a little one alone with people she and I do not even know.

Maggie34Behave · 03/10/2009 14:34

my dc2 is nearly four and he wouldn't stay at a party on his own...

In fact, at dc1's 4th party, even though SHE would have stayed alone at a party, her friends' mums all stayed.

TanteRose · 03/10/2009 14:35

YANBU. Explain to the mother your reasons. You never know, she might be very glad of someone else being there to help with a gaggle of 3 yr olds!

moondog · 03/10/2009 14:38

Yes you lunatic.
Don't even consider leaving her.

diddl · 03/10/2009 14:44

I think it´s not necessarily an age thing, afterall your daughter stays at preschool.

I think it´s more that you don´t know the parents or child.

If you´re not too far away, perhaps you can stay to see her settled & fetch later.

But definately stay the whole time if that seems the right thing to do.

PlonkerCandleInAPumpkin · 03/10/2009 14:52

YANBU at all!!

No way would I leave my 2yr old alone at the home of strangers, at least not without seeing references first ...nope, not a cat in hell's chance!

Undercovamutha · 03/10/2009 14:54

YANBU, I would NEVER leave 3yo DD at a party. I have always just presumed that I needed to accompany her to every party she has been invited too, and at those parties all the other children have always had a parent with them.
And personally, I would be concerned, and quite cross, if I invited one of DD's friends to her party and the parent just dropped tham off and didn't stay. I don't need that kind of responsibility, thank you very much !
It seems like a cultural thing, so if you don't want to put your foot in it, I would do exactly as Tanterose says, and maybe offer to help out.

pigletmania · 03/10/2009 15:10

No 2.7 years is far too you IMO and with strangers who you do not know. If my dd was of school age yes and knows the birthday boy/girl in questions but no too young.

qwertpoiuy · 03/10/2009 15:22

I had a similar issue recently. My DD aged 2.10 goes to a creche and her friend is the same age. Everytime I see her friend she asks if DD can go to her house - which I always ignored. Then her minder told me this girl's mother wanted my mobile numberas she wanted to collect DD from the creche when collecting her own DD and bring them to her house - I don't know her, where she lives and as she's from a different country I don't know of any family background. I just told the minder to pass on the message that DD is too young to go to anybody else's house without me, as she may get anxious.

YANBU. Your DD will attend many more parties when she's older it won't make any difference to her if she doesn't attend this.

franklymydear · 03/10/2009 15:24

only school aged children are left at parties

Heated · 03/10/2009 15:35

Probably best idea would be to ring the host and check with them, would be unusual ime for parents not to attend. If they say no parents, then say you'd heard that might be the case but dd is too young - maybe when she's a bit bigger. Sadly will have to decline but am sure XX will have a lovely party. Up to you but I only send presents to nursery/school friends when dcs attend a party.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 03/10/2009 15:45

YANBU

I would phone the mum and see what she says. It's an odd thing for your friend to say IMO. I wouldn't leave a pre-schol age child at any party by themselves.

I don't always leave DS2 and he's 5. It depends on how well I know the parents and child and how confident DS2 is with the set up. It helps if it is clear that there are adults in charge that the children can go to if they need to but this really isn't always the case.

pigletmania · 03/10/2009 15:46

Yes i agree qwertpoiuy, however i would have given my mobile number to the minder(or if not asked for hers so that i could call) so that if and when the mother calls me i can explain to her in person, and mabey arrange to meet at each others house with the dcs so that we could get to know one another. It was nice of her to inviete your dd to her house and this would have been a compromise.

Original poster
Hoppity · 03/10/2009 15:58

I am glad IANotBU...

This is what my friend wrote to me about it:

^"In my experience only your child is invited. Parents drop theirs kids off with present in hand and then leave. I have been asked into the house each time but was expected to leave after the pleasantries were over and done with.

Maybe arrive a little late so that things are in full swing when she gets there so she won't be upset to see you leave and she will want to join in the fun.Lastly, it is poor form to over stay your welcome in any country I think. You could always call the Mother in question before the big day, explain your daughter's anxiety and ask if you can stay and ask what you could do to help. But staying when you are not welcome is not cool."^

I really took objection to "staying when you are not welcome is not cool" hence my posting here for your opinions.

OP posts:
bigchris · 03/10/2009 16:05

we didnt even leave reception children
only starting leaving in year one

bigstripeytiger · 03/10/2009 16:07

I havent heard of a 3 year old being left at a birthday party. Where I am it is only school children who get left at parties, for younger children the parents stay.

skihorse · 03/10/2009 16:57

Children learn a new language very quickly - she'll pick it up a whole lot quicker when playing with other kids and not sat on mum's lap!

HSMM · 03/10/2009 17:20

My DD aged 10 would not dream of letting me stay when she goes to a party, but when she has a party here, a couple of parents usually stay with their children. I do not turn them away, but I also do not go out of my way to make them cups of tea, etc. If I were you, I would check with the host if it is OK for you to stay (with the option of leaving if she doesn't seem to need you).

MrsBadger · 03/10/2009 17:21

well obv 'staying when you are not wlecome is not cool' under any circumstances in any country
the clincher is to find out if you are welcome!

agree you shoudl ring the mother and check

pigletmania · 03/10/2009 17:25

This is a 2.9 year old toddler not a 9 year old, they are still very young and need the parent at that age

Tambajam · 03/10/2009 17:26

Down our way, Reception children occasionally are left (probably about 60% of parents stay at the beginning of the year) and in Year 1 still 25% or so have parents staying.

I would NEVER leave a 3yr old alone at a party unless there were adults there that I considered very good friends and who she knew well.

I would agree with your friend that there's no harm in phoning in advance and having a chat about it.

MrsBadger · 03/10/2009 17:27

(and aged 10 is a different kettle of fish to 2yo. I think 5th birthdays are usu the first 'unaccompanied' ones in the UK)

groundhogs · 03/10/2009 17:36

!

In the country I've just come back from I wouldn't have let DS literally out of my sight with a gang number of local children. DH did once, took his eye off him for 5 minutes, DS, just 3yo at the time, came home with 4 bloody nail scratches down his cheek. He was with 2 other C, one 6m older, the other a few years older.

I am shuddering even to think of the idea of leaving him at a party where I was... a Dear friend (still there), when her DC accidentally knocked into another C the other day, the monster mother of said C screamed, Go on, hit him, HIT HIM!! you're bigger than him! Friends DC is not even 3yo...

No, if it goes against your Brit-grain, don't do it.... Jeez, way too early for wine to steady nerves... rescue remedy... .

Original poster
Hoppity · 03/10/2009 18:04

HSMM: I am shocked that you make a comparison with your DC! They are 10; my DD is 2. How could what happens with a 10 year old possibly be relevant to a 2 year old?

Plus, you write:
"check with the host if it is OK for you to stay (with the option of leaving if she doesn't seem to need you)."

I frankly couldn't really care if she needs me or not, I am not staying for her benefit or leaving for her convenience; I would like to stay to ensure the safety and enjoyment of DD.

Sorry if I have missed something, but don't get how your post fits in.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 03/10/2009 18:15

Apart from anything else a lot of 2 yr olds will still be in nappies - does the host really want to be left with a pile of nappy bags