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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 2.9 is too little to be left alone at 3 yr old's birthday party?

59 replies

Hoppity · 03/10/2009 14:26

My DD1 (aged 2.9) has been invited to a 3rd birthday party, a little girl from pre-school.

We don't know the child, the parents or where they live. So, very kind of them to invite us (got the invitation via the teacher, couldn't even say what child or parents look like).

I want to stay during the party, but have been advised by friend in the country where we live that this is not done and I have to drop off DD to fend for herself with strangers

She has not yet settled at school, separation anxiety in full swing, she understands but does not speak alot of the local language.......

AIBU to check with other mother and if she says drop off is mandatory, not to let DD go?
Surely I am not BU?

I intend to send present and card anyway to show no hard feelings....

OP posts:
skihorse · 03/10/2009 18:15

Are children's parties in your current host country usually sin pints, plagues of paedophilia or otherwise dangerous? I'm seriously just wondering what the paranoia is about or is it just a case of PFB and you, as an expat, feel at a loss with your own life and so are clutching to the child?

nulgirl · 03/10/2009 18:30

I left my dd who was 2.10 at a party during the summer. It was at a friends house and there was only 5 of them. My friend had a whole afternoons activities laid on for them and preferred to concentrate on the children rather than feed and provide drinks for parents. My dd (and the others) had a great time.

I also leave my dd at playdates, at nursery and she has now started a french class (not pushy parent - my dh is french but has never taught her and she needs to learn to communicate with her french family). Week 1 of french class we stayed for 5 mins then left for 2 hrs with a bunch of strangers

My dd is perfectly fine being left and has a great time. Not sure if i'd leave her at a total strangers house though

BloodRedTulips · 03/10/2009 18:32

dd is four and a half and i've only barely started leaving her at parties and only the parties of people we know and trust very well.

and you know what..... she still managed to come home with a broken leg from the last one!

Original poster
Hoppity · 03/10/2009 19:46

Just to clarify, nulgirl, i also leave DD at pre-school, at playdates with friends whom we know well, with grandparents and with a babysitter. It is just the thought of leaving her with people we have never met in a home we have never visited with a group of children we have no knowledge of (ie 4 girls from pre-school at the party is one thing, but 22 children from pre-school and 12 6 year old boys who are friends of the birthday girl's big brother is quite another.)

Skihorse - yes, it's hard being an expat, "strange" customs, parenting techniques that are completely alien, acquaintances who think nothing of questioning my own (in my culture) established parenting choices (breastfeeding beyond 3 month - shock!, co-sleeping - no, I will not squash my baby, BLW - no, my child is not going to be malnourished if I don't buy all her food in a glass jar in the supermarket, etc.)
So, yes, I am way out of my comfort zone.

But seriously hope this does not mean I am "clutching to my child".

OP posts:
Lilyloooohhhh · 03/10/2009 19:49

I haven't left either of mine until at least school age even if i knew the parents

Pyrocanthus · 03/10/2009 20:10

YANBU - I wouldn't have left my children with strangers at that age. Maybe the family would appreciate an offer of help if the custom is different where you are? Can you imagine being the host to a bunch of overwrought tots when they all burst into tears together?

If you want to politely withdraw, just use the language barrier as an excuse.

pigletmania · 03/10/2009 22:18

No I find leaving a 2.9 year old with a bunch of strangers to fend for herself very unsetteling and not something i would do dont give a f"%&@ what anybody else thinks or the customs its your dd at the end of the day not theirs. She is a toddler for goodness sake not a school age child and is therefore more needier and more dependent than an older child. I personally would prefer parents to stay as it would be another pair of hands to help.

pigletmania · 03/10/2009 22:19

Hoppity what country are you from by the way

StableButDeluded · 04/10/2009 10:40

YANBU. What is this strange country of which you speak?

I wouldn't consider leaving my only-just-turned four year old at a party on his own unless the host parents expressly said that was the type of party it was. never mind a two-yeqar-old. He wouldn't stay on his own anyway, but that's his temperament.

At every party we've been invited so far, the parent has always stayed. At my son's own party last month, every parent stayed. It seems the norm. I would stay with your daughter if you want to & never mind the custom in their country. Its OUR custom to stay with our children.

I wouldn't normally say ignore local customs, in fact I'm usually a 'When in Rome' type person, but in this situation the child's needs have to come first.

SardineQueen · 04/10/2009 12:29

I am still interested to know how the host handles the nappy situation We are talking about 2yos, I'm sure at least some of them will still be in nappies...

HSMM · 04/10/2009 12:32

My point was that if parents sometimes stay at a 10 year olds party, then of course some parents would want to stay at a 2 year olds party. I wasn't trying to say they were the same, just that 2 is VERY young to EXPECT everyone to go. (Sorry if I appeared a bit dim ... happens all the time!)

HSMM · 04/10/2009 12:33

and ... I meant leave if your DD doesn't need you, not if the host doesn't need you

hotpotato11 · 04/10/2009 15:06

I have been very miffed as a party host when parents have assumed its ok to leave their 2 yr olds. i don't think the host will be expecting it at all !

HKT · 04/10/2009 15:16

I left my DC3 at a party when he was 2.8, but only because I knew the hosts, and the other adults there very well, and also that he was confident, and was happy to be left with others.
DC1 was a different matter, I accompanied him til he was 6!
It sounds like your friends advice is not very sound - I can't imagine anyone would host a party for toddlers and not be happy for a parent to stay with their DC

Jamieandhismagictorch · 04/10/2009 15:31

I only left my DSs at parties from about 4.

This sounds very odd to me.

What country is is ?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 04/10/2009 15:32

skihorse That sounds unnecessarily harsh.

Bumblingbovine · 04/10/2009 15:55

skihorse

What a crock of s**it. Surely the point of a party is for children to enjoy themselves. Why on earth would you leave a 2 year old at a party if they would find it stressful?
Most 2 year olds would find it very stressful being left at what is effectively a stranger's house alone.

Obviously we leave children with family and in daycare settings, but that is for different reasons and usually with the long term aim of getting them settled in somewhere in the long term.

Putting a 2 year old through the stress of being left with strangers for no good reason seems mad to me.

Parties are for fun, if the child isn't happy without their parent there, then the parent should stay if at all possible (even when they are much older than 2)

For a 2 year old it is madness to consider leaving them unless the party is with people the child knows really well and the child seems happy with it.

skihorse · 04/10/2009 16:31

Does the 2 year old in question usually cope badly in social situations? The little girl has been invited to a party with her co pre-schools. It was hardly an invitation through the post from some nightclub clocking her birthday on the electoral role. Do try and gain a little perspective! I'm just wondering why the child would be screaming and wailing at the party - does she scream and wail at pre-school?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 04/10/2009 16:42

skihorse

You settle your child in a pre-school, over a period of time with parent-substitutes (the carers)

Leaving a 2.9 year old at a party (parties being a very different situation, and quite stressful for some children), with adults they don't know is a completely different kettle of fish.

So a spurious comparison, I'd say,

Original poster
Hoppity · 05/10/2009 12:55

Jamieandhismagictorch - you asked which country...TBH, I would rather not say because I know it will provoke loads of mumsnetters from that country to cry, oh no, my country is not at all how you describe it.

Suffice to say, I feel like a fish out of water here because in my experience, this is a country where:

  • epidural rate exceeds 70% and there are no other pain relief options in most hospitals
  • but that actually suits most women, who expect to labour and give birth lying on their back. Walking around, squatting, standing during labour is unheard by the average mum and actively discouraged by hospital staff
  • it is common to be induced ? not for valid medical reasons - but for reasons such as: ?my usual doctor is going on holiday at the time of my due date, but I really want him to deliver the baby, so I?m going to be induced three weeks early?!
  • breastfeeding is very uncommon ?.not because women think FF is practical and formula an adequate alternative, but because it is widely believed that formula is nutritionally superior to breastmilk
  • co-sleeping is unheard of and a recent parenting magazine which tackled the subject quoted a leading paediatrican who said it was a ?catastrophe? to have a baby in bed with the parents
  • most women return to work after 3 months or so despite a generous government-run maternity leave scheme which allows much longer leave
  • mothers who put their children into dayare often do so, not because they are returning to work and consider daycare a suitable place alternative to being looked after at home by mother or a nanny, but as a superior option and it is widely believed that children who remain at home are missing out on quality daycare which allows kids to make the all-important break from their mums
  • children up to the age of three are routinely given follow-on formula as opposed to normal whole milk
  • children up to the age of three are routinely given jars of mass-produced baby food rather than homemade food, not because their time-pressed parents consider them an adequate alternative to home cooked food, but because, yes, you guessed it, jars of food are considered nutritionally superior

I could go on, but I have gone massively off topic, so better stop there.

OP posts:
skihorse · 05/10/2009 12:57

I don't understand what any of that list has to do with a party unless they're going to be holding down your DD and force-feeding her formula.

I take it you mean Belgium?

Original poster
Hoppity · 05/10/2009 13:17

skihorse - I did say I had gone off topic! No, none of the things I listed above have any bearing on whether DD should go to the party. I was just trying to explain why as an expat, it is so easy to feel like everything is different. Everything.

So, a decision about a child?s party takes on a new dimension when many of your parenting decisions are wildly at odds with the decisions of those around you.

And no, it?s not Belgium. J

OP posts:
FerretInYourTrews · 05/10/2009 13:35

My ds went to a party at the weekend, he's is 3 and some mums did leave their dc. The problem with that is that it was then other parents responsibility to comfort the children that fell down (not a problem with itself but not easy when the child doesn't know you), help them get their food and drink and take them to the toilet. This was at a school hall so it wasn't a case of them just nipping up the stairs for a wee.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 06/10/2009 10:58

So Hoppity What have you decided to do about the party?

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/10/2009 11:05

i dont think 2.9 is too young to be left alone at a party IF the child is happy to be left/you and he knows the parents/children well

my dc now 4, was quite happy to go to partys at 2.9 for other 3yrs from nursery BUT he knew them

your circumstances are very different, I would ring mum and ask if you could stay and go from there