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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to kill MIL re childcare

58 replies

aoifesmama · 01/10/2009 21:27

Okay, I am returning to work on 2nd November when DD will be 7 months. I love my job and although devasted to leave DD felt I was okay. MIL had agreed (pre bloody pregnancy) to have DD (paid) whilst I am at work. She had first of all said she would come to our house, but 4 weeks ago changed it to SIL, which is not great, but okay.

However today MIL announces she is going on 3 and a half weeks holiday from THAT DATE! So noone to look after DD. I am in tears. I have arranged for my sister to have DD on Thursdays and Fridays, SIL will have her on Mondays, but noone yet for Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Apart from not knowing if I'll find someone in time, thinking of leaving DD with someone I don't know makes me want to be sick.

AIBU to want to scream? MIL seems to think this is not an issue at all...don't know what to do.

OP posts:

MichKit · 01/10/2009 21:30

Have you tried a rush request at a local nursery? As you were paying MIL anyways?

Its a pain though, for sure... maybe you should just tell MIL no thanks, and pay the nursery instead.

mamas12 · 01/10/2009 21:31

She doesn't seem to think this is an issue!
What on earth was her solution to it, have you asked her for her recomendations. Keep ringing her and family to make them realise this is a huge issue.
She has now rocked your confidence in her reliability now.

paisleyleaf · 01/10/2009 21:31

yanbu I'd feel the same
but if she's being this blase about it, it could be a sign of things to come.
At least you know now that minding your DD isn't her top priority and sorting something else would be in your interests.
Sorry, I don't know what to suggest.

ToffeeCrumble · 01/10/2009 21:32

YANBU. It's going to be confusing for her to get used to three new people I would think. Maybe you should look around at childminders who can take her for all of the days. You might find one you like and who you can get to know a bit before you leave dd, so you'd feel happier about it. If your MIL is this unreliable this early on it doesn't bode well. Why not look around at childminders and see what you think?

Prosecco · 01/10/2009 21:32

YANBU at all!

I know you said you would rather not leave her with someone you don't know but I would look into CM/nursery who cannot let you down in this way. If she can be this insensitive on your first day back, which is harrowing enough, you cannot rely on her. My mum does some of my childcare and always lets me know in plenty of time if I need to make alternative arrangements. She also tries to ensure it is never for a long period of time.

Look for someone to help you out on those days and then you may wnat to make it more permanent.

MichKit · 01/10/2009 21:33

I realise its hard to leave a baby with someone you don't know, but I did it with DD when she was only 4 months, and the nursery were brilliant with her.

Plus, who knows if MIL will be reliable when you need her anyways?

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/10/2009 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

aoifesmama · 01/10/2009 21:33

She only told us at 6pm, so will have to call nurseries etc from the morning. The reason we were leaving her with MIL was so she was with family and because I'm a teacher and so term time only. Right now though I just want someone I can trust. Feel like not going back to work at all, which is ridiculous (and not an option). DH will try and book some holiday too, but just so upset about poor DD

OP posts:

MichKit · 01/10/2009 21:33

Sorry, x posted with a few others.

Original poster

aoifesmama · 01/10/2009 21:35

Thank you all for making me feel better!

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 01/10/2009 21:35

you need to cut her right out and get a CM or nursery. I don't have family to look after our girls and I'm glad as you will always feel beholden/grateful

if she realises she wants the wee one, fine she can have her on occassion but she is obviously not to be relied on or trusted to put the wee one first

you've got 4wks to find someone - don't panic, it can be done and you will be fine as will DD

MichKit · 01/10/2009 21:38

Yes, please don't panic. Ofsted reports are good at letting you know the bare bones of nursery details as well, so you can look them up now, and shortlist nurseries, if you're comfortable...

You have plenty of time, so please don't stress, and try to enjoy your days with your DD.

neenz · 01/10/2009 21:40

YANBU - what does your DH say about this? Has he told his mother what a tit she is being? He needs to tell her!

neenz · 01/10/2009 21:42

Oh, and I use a CM and I am delighted with her, she is brilliant with my DTs. I definitely recommend looking into it - contact your local council and they can provide you with a list of registered CMs in your area. You should be able to contact the council about it through their website. Which area are you in?

Original poster

aoifesmama · 01/10/2009 21:45

Thanks so much, we're in Barnet, North London. I have looked on the mumsnet board and emailed some local childminders already. DH has spoken to her briefly, but his sister then called to tell him not to give her a hard time. At this point I was not safe to be allowed to talk to anyone on the phone!!

I suppose at least this has happened whilst I'm still at home (trying to be brave, whilst wanting either a glass of wine or a to hit someone!)

OP posts:

MichKit · 01/10/2009 21:47

Not to give her a hard time????? The bleeding cheek of her!!

ravenAK · 01/10/2009 21:49

Hi aoifesmamma, I'm a teacher too.

Our lovely CM does just termtimes quite happily as she has her own school-age dcs in the hols - it dovetails very neatly.

Honestly, you'd be better off with one reliable CM than your MIL doing it on a 'grace & favour' basis. Save MIL for evening babysitting & save yourself endless aggravation...

dizzydixies · 01/10/2009 21:52

ravenAK our CM also does termtime because of her kids too so you're absolutely right it can be done

Sidge · 01/10/2009 21:53

She has shown you that she hasn't taken your arrangement seriously, so I would cut your losses now and find a CM or nursery.

My girls go/have been to a fantastic nursery which has provided us with consistent, quality childcare that is also reliable and flexible. It is a Sure Start centre and has been brilliant.

IMO mixing family/friends and regular childcare rarely works.

1dilemma · 01/10/2009 21:53

I think your MIL is making her attitude to her providing care for your daughter as clear as she can!

Perhaps be grateful she's giving you the opportunity/some warning to sort it out!

susiey · 01/10/2009 21:59

I know a great childminder in Whetstone and she is brill we use her.she does termtime only
but I think she has no space at the mo because she is full of teachers children.

she might know of someone with spaces though so thats also worth asking the childminders if they know anyone local with spaces.

I hope you get this sorted but I do think if this is what you MIL did straight off she will continue to do it and you need reliable care that you can fall back on you MIL when you daughter is ill instead.

bluejeans · 01/10/2009 22:12

I really feel for you as had a similar situation - MIL looked after DD 3 days a week when I went back to work and announced after a couple of weeks, and at very short notice that she could only do two days a week. Clearly the novelty had worn off! It was compounded by the fact that I had wanted to go for a nursery but DH and his mum basically ganged up on me and asked why would I leave DD with strangers when I didn't need to also MIL didn't want to be paid and DH wouldn't spend the money if we didn't need to. We ended up putting DD in nursery and never looked back. I'd never been happy with the arrangemenbt anyway as MIL used to let DD sleep in her pram all day then she'd be awake all night! Nearly 10 years on I still feel bitter about it all!

Good luck with finding an alternative, sure you will be fine

Original poster

aoifesmama · 01/10/2009 22:12

susiey - thanks for this, if she does know of anyone my email address is [email protected]

Thanks so much!

OP posts:

neenz · 01/10/2009 22:13

I found that when I was looking for a CM - that even when one was full up they all knew each other and could recommend another. Go for it - tell the MIL where to shove her childcare!

neenz · 01/10/2009 22:14

The cheek of your SIL

bluejeans, I am for you too! Sleep all day in the pram? Grr... lazy cow lol

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