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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to kill MIL re childcare

58 replies

aoifesmama · 01/10/2009 21:27

Okay, I am returning to work on 2nd November when DD will be 7 months. I love my job and although devasted to leave DD felt I was okay. MIL had agreed (pre bloody pregnancy) to have DD (paid) whilst I am at work. She had first of all said she would come to our house, but 4 weeks ago changed it to SIL, which is not great, but okay.

However today MIL announces she is going on 3 and a half weeks holiday from THAT DATE! So noone to look after DD. I am in tears. I have arranged for my sister to have DD on Thursdays and Fridays, SIL will have her on Mondays, but noone yet for Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Apart from not knowing if I'll find someone in time, thinking of leaving DD with someone I don't know makes me want to be sick.

AIBU to want to scream? MIL seems to think this is not an issue at all...don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ManicMother7777 · 01/10/2009 22:15

Agree completely that mixing childcare and family can be a nightmare and it's hardly a good start is it? Who knows when she'll let you down in future. The truth is if you want reliable childcare, you have to pay for it, then you've got a business arrangement and you know where you are. Good luck.

BonjourIvresse · 01/10/2009 22:20

yanbu, what a cow!

bluejeans · 01/10/2009 22:22

neenz I also used to come home from work to find she'd dressed DD in clothes that had belonged to her DD - who was 21 at the time WTF!

Dysgu · 01/10/2009 22:23

I too recommend a child minder. I am also a teacher and have term time only care. It is also useful though that I can send DDs on the odd day during the holidays (depending on space) so I can get work done).

My mum does have DDs one day a week - at her request - and it works very well. Any more and we would feel beholden. It would also mean we would feel uncomfortable asking mum/dad to babysit if they had DDs more often.

As for settling with a CM - I went back to work both times when mine were 7 months and they settled fine. Still too young for separation anxiety.

And you can find someone in the time you have. My (ex)CM told me half way through August that she was having to close - and she helped us find someone else with space for both my girls. They have now been with a new CM for a fortnight and are very happy and settled already.

Good luck and I hope you find something soon that suits you all.

clemette · 01/10/2009 22:38

Even without these shenanigans I REALLY think using grandparents for full-time childcare is a recipe for all sorts of disaster. In my case, and she only has each for one day a week, my MiL acts as if she is their mother and disregards everything I say, and whenever my own mum has them she has no real idea what to do with them all day. There is no "professionalism" (of course), no concern about child development/stimulation/nutrition/suitable play and LOTS of emotional baggage attached to the arrangement.

My two go to nursery 4 days and when I was teaching they let me pay for term-time only.

Good luck tomorrow - I know it is stressful but think of this as a lucky escape.

susiey · 01/10/2009 22:41

I will email you her phone number as she will be the best person to speak to directly .Also I'll email you with a great toddler group where a lots of childminders go thats another way to get to know them.

I'm sure you'll find someone wonderful my dd was with a childminder from 4 months and she was so happy and really didn't need to be settled because she was so young

groundhogs · 01/10/2009 22:44

Totally YANBU, your bloody SIL is tho... LOL!

Now, about that MIL... it'll take a wee while for you to calm down, but you will. Doubt the faith or trust will ever be restored though... but that's her fault. To agree to look after then F$%^ off on the very bloody day for 3 and a half weeks... outrageous.... I'm outraged for you!!

And breathe..... it's OK, you have a month, you'll find someone, and you know what, it'll work out a million times better than you could eve imagine.

Everything happens for a reason.

GruffaloMama · 01/10/2009 22:53

YANBU - unbelievably inconsiderate of your MIL. I have a lovely CM and DS has been going there full time since 8mo.

The tips people have given are v good to find CMs - you can also try Barnet Children's Information Service. They should be able to advise about CMs that will consider term-time only.

2rebecca · 01/10/2009 22:54

I would sort out paid childcare as MIL sounds as though she doesn't want the job. Sometimes if you want a job done professionally you have to pay. Having 3 1/2 weeks holiday at this particular time does sound designed purely to muck up your childcare and very selfish. If you can afford it then get someone reliable.
DH should give his mum a hard time. Arranging a sudden very prolonged holiday at this time is very selfish.
I would take it as a hint that she doesn't really want to be a childminder though, which is fair enough, I have no desire to be a childminder when I retire (feeling my working days are done) and would expect my kids to pay if they want regular childcare.

pranma · 01/10/2009 23:00

My dd uses a wonderful CM 4 days a week and I do the other day.Dd is a teacher and pays a retainer in hols.Dd has just gone part time after dgs2 got to 7 months and new arrangemments centre round CM preschool[dgs1]and me!

simplesusan · 02/10/2009 12:54

I agree with others who say look for a cm/nursery.

Your mil sounds unreliable and you need to feel confident when you go back to work that your baby is in good hands.

Good luck I'm sure you will find a good carer.

OrmIrian · 02/10/2009 12:57

How can she not think it is an issue

Just what you don't need atm I should think.

Find a good nursery or CM right now (and there are plenty) - and leave MIL to stew. I am all for being suitably grateful for family childcare but she is taking the piss - she should have a bit more understanding for you at what is a difficult period of adjustment.

neenz · 02/10/2009 13:01

Some nurseries will negotiate their fees during holidays - my BIL pays only half in the hols as his wife is a teacher.

Trikken · 02/10/2009 13:16

I would be comletely peed off with her, you obviously both agreed to it, and its not on for her to back out now. even if she was sorry about it, it is far too short notice to just be telling you now she cant do it. I would ignore sil and phone mil, not to shout at her but let her know its not on and that you are not happy she has backed out of being your childcare, which she had previously agreed to so you could go back to work.

coral · 02/10/2009 13:28

There are some great cm's in Barnet (me being one of them of course!!)and there are lots of cm's here to choose from so i am sure you will be able to find one who's right for you. If you have not done so already, contact the barnet childminding network coordinator as she will be able to let you have details of network childminders with vacancies in the area. Alternatively, try your local children's centre - they might be able to help. Also, don't limit yourself to contacting only the childminders on the vacancy list - I am rubbish at remembering to notify them of any vacancies I might have as I suspect are a lot of other childminders! A lot of our email addresses are on the childcare link site - pick the area closest to you and email all the childminders in that area with your requirements - you may get more responses that way.

I personally think that 5 days a week childcare for grandparents is a huge commitment for them to make on a long term basis even if it is term time only - maybe think seriously about sharing the care - say 3 days at the cm and 2 days with MIL. I share the weeks care of some of the children I look after like this and it works well - grandparents enjoy the 1 or 2 days they have with their grandchild but don't get totally exhausted and bogged down by it. I would also add that the gp's are always off on holiday a lot more than me!! Also maybe look for a cm who has children of her own at school so will not be taking holiday during term time.

Good luck. Coral

Avendesora · 02/10/2009 13:34

At least you now know what to expect from her and can act accordingly. I would find a nice child minder or nursery and sack MIL. It will save you stress and upset in the long run!

modmum · 02/10/2009 13:42

You can find Good childcare in that time - I did. Work nursery let me down at the last minute (about a mouth before return to work). FSA sent lists of nurseries/CMs in my home and work area - arrived 1st class morning after phone call. Sent next week phoning and visiting, then revisiting and a 3rd visit with DH to prefered nursery.
Upshot being that I found a BETTER,smaller nursey for DD (cost more no work subsidy!!) and told work nursey where to go 18 monthes later when they did have a place!

Northernlurker · 02/10/2009 13:49

This is exactly why you should never ever depend on family for childcare. Cut your losses and put professionals in place as soon as you can.

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2009 13:54

can i just point out the arrangement was that the MIL would be paid - lots of people seem to think it was a favour

Original poster
aoifesmama · 02/10/2009 15:06

Thank you all for your support. Have spoken to the childminding network co-ordinator for Barnet who is sending me a list today (and has already emailed me details). We talked for a long time last night and have decided to at least look for a permanent CM for 3 days a week. MIL has since been told this and is very very unhappy, as are BIL and SIL who have both called to air their "is mum not good enough?". I have not answered any calls, so poor DH is fielding them. I am both furious and slightly more relieved than yesterday as things seem slightly more manageable and DH is being supportive. Feel we will be the black sheep for a long time, but upsets me most that noone thinks it is a problem except us within DH's family. SIL suggested different distant family members (who I don't know and who live all over the place) looking after DD everyday, when DH said DD was a person not a cat she was not impressed!!

Thank you all so much for the support I've received on here, at least I feel like I'm not the mad one!!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/10/2009 15:10

I don't see what it has to do with SIL and BIL.

Avendesora · 02/10/2009 16:42

Sounds like a lucky escape!

katiestar · 02/10/2009 17:01

Why not write to work and tell them you need to defer your return to week by 3 weeks.

Avendesora · 02/10/2009 17:08

but but, katiestar, what if she does that and then MIL pops off for another holiday, or needs a couple of days here or there, its putting off the problem as MIL cant be taking it as a serious commitment if she is going on holiday.

Podrick · 02/10/2009 17:11

My MIL begged to have my dd one day a week whilst I was pregnant and then backed out once the baby was born. This was a GOOD THING as I never felt that happy about leaving my baby with her but would have felt guilty at saying no and then saying yes to my own mum!

Agree with others, you need RELIABLE childcare to work - she is clearly not it.