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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect men with 'significant others' not to use the services of a prostitute?

137 replies

FourArms · 28/09/2009 17:39

Have just returned from a trip to visit my DH who was on a R&R period as part of his job. These men have been seperated from their OH's for a month or so. On the first evening quite a number of them used the services of prostitutes.

Quite apart from the rights and wrongs of people working in the sex industry, AIBU to think that men shouldn't need to do this? Some of them do have wives and girlfriends at home. I am also a bit about the general acceptance of this by the other blokes, and the fact that this is all kept secret from the partners at home. Luckily for the blokes involved, I don't know any of their partners, if I did, I'm not sure I could keep my mouth shut about it. I would want to know if my DH was doing this.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/09/2009 16:51

LadyMidnight, it's possible to buy sex in Soho walkups for £30 or less. Not quite Sophie's experience.

LadyMidnightMT · 29/09/2009 16:51

or the TLC trust - a NPO that puts sex workers in contact with the disabled.
www.tlc-trust.org.uk/

sorky · 29/09/2009 17:05

There are thousands of sex workers in this country, someone's paying 'em

In the case of specialist services, I actually view this a bit differently.
If a partner was into BDSM (for instance) and their other half didn't want to reciprocate, then I don't see why that person shouldn't visit someone with specialist knowledge or skills.
I don't see why an aspect of a persons healthy sexual appetite or interest should be denied because the other person finds it unacceptable and will not partake.

Whether a man or woman, if your healthy desires aren't being met then why shouldn't you seek them elsewhere? My problem is when this is secret and not discussed with the other partner, then it's a different ball game and it is betrayal.

Original poster

FourArms · 29/09/2009 17:06

So... if you happened to know the wife/girlfriend of a bloke who had used a prostitute whilst abroad, would you tell them?

Disclaimer for anyone who knows me in RL - nobody I know used a prostitute, but I know one of the other ladies out with us knows the girlfriend of a bloke who had sex with a prostitute. Apparently several blokes in a row had sex with the same lady, but they reused the same condom [vomit emoticon] and it tore on the bloke in question.

YummyorSlummy we were in the UAE. I presumed they picked the prostitues up in the local town, but apparently they were in the hotel bar. I didn't spot any in our hotel bar though thank goodness!

OP posts:

Original poster

FourArms · 29/09/2009 17:09

If I had a DH who knew when he married me that I would not partake in more extreme/unusual sexual practises, I would not feel that this gives them the right to seek this elsewhere. Unless this was agreeable to both parties. It wouldn't be to me. There is something DH would like to try which I won't do. Does that make it fair for him to do it with a prostitute or have an affair?

OP posts:

sorky · 29/09/2009 17:09

Well I wouldn't because I wouldn't see it as my business

Original poster

FourArms · 29/09/2009 17:11

Well, if somebody knew my DH had used a prostitute, I hope they would tell me. I would be disgusted, and very worried about my health and any fertility implications.

OP posts:

sorky · 29/09/2009 17:13

yes I believe it does.

If it's a part of who he is or it's an itch he wants to scratch and you aren't prepared to do it, then why shouldn't he visit someone who is prepared to do this.

People do evolve sexually. What we are interested in when we are in our twenties might not be the same when we are older or more experienced, like anything in life I suppose.

As long as it's discussed I don't see any problem.
Of course a partner is quite within their rights to refuse to perform an act or similar, but do you honestly think you have the right to deny a person from exploring that part of themselves?

sorky · 29/09/2009 17:16

having an affair and seeing someone for specialist sexual services are 2 completely different things.

If you knew that a person was turned on by being sexually submissive when you met them and that was their stated preference, but you don't want to indulge then either you shouldn't be with that person, or they should be allowed to visit a dominatrix, imo.

crankytwanky · 29/09/2009 17:17

Malificence really? You would have dragged out the ladies? Not the married men who were getting their chespies at their company's expence? (Nice name btw !)
The women were for the most part lovely actually, if somewhat jaded. During the arse-candle act the woman and I made eye contact and she rolled her eyes tiredly as if to say "another day at the office eh?". It was funny in a tragic way.
These were women who were doing the only job they knew, to single-handedly support their children. As was I. I know lots of women find jobs that don't involve pulling 10 metres of bunting out of our fanjoes, but some women will always see that as the only option.
I don't think that prostitutes are to be villified, I think the punters are the icky ones.

UnquietDad · 29/09/2009 17:17

"Golf? Strippers? In Hampshire? The dirty bastards."

YummyorSlummy · 29/09/2009 17:17

Isn't being married about being faithful? Not sleeping with someone else just because there is something your partner doesnt want to do in bed?? To me that sounds ridiculous... surely they can go without!

bronze · 29/09/2009 17:18

But someone might want to go travelling for a bit across India . Thats an itch that wants to be scratched yet mn decided overwhelmingly that that wasn't on. When you dedicate yourself to someone sometimes there are small things you have to give up. Why does it seem to be different if its to do with sex?

I would want to know too.

crankytwanky · 29/09/2009 17:19

Read cheapies for chespies! You can tell it's tea-time!

UnquietDad · 29/09/2009 17:20

Ah, we're into "finding yourself" territory...

crankytwanky · 29/09/2009 17:23

UQD in rural Hampshire!

What I found shocking was it's such a quaint litle village, where for the most part everyone knows everyone's business.
Except whether their DH is sticking a lollipop into the lady-cave of a Ukranian teenager then sucking said lollipop.

sorky · 29/09/2009 17:23

Well in the case of the OP's story then yes I would expect my Dh to DIY whilst he was there.

If he were to ask me to allow him to shit on me as part of a sexual act, then quite frankly I wouldn't be up for that and would state how I felt, but I would not stop him from seeing someone 'specialist' for that if it was very important to him.
I would need to know who he was seeing and when. It's the deceit which makes it a no-no, for me anyway.

I'll say it again, having an affair is not the same a paying a sex worker. An affair does generally have an emotional attachment, sex with a prostitute is likely to be about sex.

blueshoes · 29/09/2009 17:23

Fourarms, do you know why they reused the same condom? Ignoring the ick factor and high STD risk, why would anyone, let alone a whole bunch of blokes who know each other, do that?

cranky, I cannot believe the going-ons you described in the golf club. How do they ensure that no one who attends spills the beans on it. Wouldn't the catering staff say something? I imagine they could sell the story if they recognise anyone famous amongst the attendees.

UnquietDad · 29/09/2009 17:25

That golf club story certainly makes one think twice about "going for a quick one at the nineteenth hole."

sorky · 29/09/2009 17:29

Going across India when you have a family at home is wanker territory and if my Dh said he wanted to do that then he'd be out on his ear. Leaving your family for 6mo to travel because you want to hurts more than your spouse.

Visiting a dominatrix occasionally because your wife doesn't want to whip you till you bleed won't affect you kids, should the wife be okay with this.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2009 17:31

so sorky, if my DH suddenly developed an interest in something extreme that was not acceptable to me, it would be ok for him to go and buy it from someone else...

as long as he told me ??????

well, if he wanted to end his marriage he could do that

and don't say it would be "marriage over anyway" if I didn't indulge a particular preference of his

because he has respect for me, and would not try to effectively blackmail me into doing something I didn't want to do, by it being implicit he would find it elsewhere

I have a fantasy my DH would bring me a dozen red roses every day (just an example). If he doesn't, shall I find a fancy-man who will (and believe me, I could)

your comments I find very sad, that it appears there is no room for compromise in your sexual world

crankytwanky · 29/09/2009 17:31

It was bistro, not a golf club, and actually some footballers did attend some years.
IIRC one of the waitress' parents found out and went mad. But how could anyone prove anything? We were all sworn to secrecy and TBH a bit embarrased at being involved.
The business men would of course not tell. They wanted to attend the next year. (It was a regular thing.)
Rumours did start eventually, but the owner sold up.

Original poster

FourArms · 29/09/2009 17:43

Blueshoes - because only one of the blokes had a condom. But it was OK, because the prostitute washed it out in the sink between blokes so all was OK.. until it split on the 4th bloke!

OP posts:

UnquietDad · 29/09/2009 17:46

washed.
it.
out.

in.
the.
SINK.

Could they not run to a couple of packs of johnnies between them FGS? I mean, I'm all in favour of being thrifty, but that's taking "make do and mend" to extremes...

I pity the poor sod who had to go fourth...

sorky · 29/09/2009 17:46

What you do in your marriages is your business.

It's not for me to say what you should find un/acceptable sexually. I can only comment on how I feel within my relationship.
I view things differently I suppose.

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