to expect men with 'significant others' not to use the services of a prostitute?

[FourArms]

Have just returned from a trip to visit my DH who was on a R&R period as part of his job. These men have been seperated from their OH's for a month or so. On the first evening quite a number of them used the services of prostitutes.

Quite apart from the rights and wrongs of people working in the sex industry, AIBU to think that men shouldn't need to do this? Some of them do have wives and girlfriends at home. I am also a bit about the general acceptance of this by the other blokes, and the fact that this is all kept secret from the partners at home. Luckily for the blokes involved, I don't know any of their partners, if I did, I'm not sure I could keep my mouth shut about it. I would want to know if my DH was doing this.

ST - I'm not on a moral high ground, I'm calling a man who pays prostitutes those names, not all men or decent men come to that.

I too think prostitution should be legalised and regulated for the safety of women. However that will have little impact on street women who will have an even worse time at the hands of men for whom the most thrilling part of it is the seedy transaction side of it.

I am not talking about mistresses - I am talking about the majority of prostitutes (particularly in Thailand where the average age of sex workers is 14) who are exploited/who are on drugs/who have suffered sexual abuse as children/who are trafficked.

And I am only talking from a personal point of view - it is my point of view that I would be utterly devastated if my husband thought so little of women that he would buy her vagina or anus for sex. It would mean that all of our discussions on equality/politics would be nothing.

If he had a consensual affair I would think he was a philandering fool who had chosen to lose his wife.

I think men feel differently about sex to women and can compartmentalise it. I would be very unhappy if dh used a prostitute (it is possible to diy after all), but devastated if he had an affair.

It may be absurd, but it's how I feel about it, and having lived through the scenario described earlier, I would rather my Dad had used a prostitute.

Well I think compartmentalising sex leads to mental distress, depression, a lack of intimacy and connection to partners/family and friends.

I don't think men feel differently about sex to women - I think that is a dreadfully sexist and generalising thing to say about men - I know plenty of men who love their partners and would do a lot not to hurt them, sexual behaviour or otherwise.

Men and women are equally capable of hurting each other.

Men are individuals too you know

At least I slagged off men who used prostitutes, you appear to be slagging off all men by saying 'look they can't help it, they're different to us'.

Skihorse, I would love to have you at a dinner party!

Although I always think you are a Sikh Horse

Yes using prostitutes is utterly vile but it's incredibly common - all this talk about 'only horrible men would do this' is nonsense - lots of normal men do this and I would imagine that the percentage of women that find out about it is absolutely teeny tiny. I abhor prostitution but it is VERY normalised - even in our country, brothels are quite open, no more seedy than a sex store to be honest - thousands of 'normal husbands' use them.

I so agree with you LaurieFairycake.
Ambercat, you can't tar all forces men with the same brush, they probably have far more opportunity though.
My hubby was in the Airforce for 12 years and spent plenty of time away, he just had the moral courage and a healthy respect for women not to associate himself with the married men who chose to betray their wives in this hideous manner. I did have to tell him to stop telling me what others got up to because I knew I would tell their wives given half a chance.

I've always thought that men who use prostitutes don't actually like women very much and they certainly don't respect them.

If my husband used a prostitute ( or had a one night stand/affair) then I know I would kill him, no ifs or buts, he would be dead, I would be in prison.
There is never an excuse to cheat on your wife with a prostitute, I don't even think it's right in the situation of the wife being unable to physically have sex.

This article is interesting

Most studies suggest around 1 in 10 men use prostitutes - so chances are that we all know lots of men who have done so

Yes MP, lots of seemingly normal boring husbands pay women for sex.

Doesn't mean I don't think they're scum though

There is nothing "normal" about a man so emotionally retarded he doesn't understand that using a prostitute whilst in a relationship is WRONG.

Some of the people on here really don't think much of men if they think that the majority of husbands would think nothing of paying women for sex.
My husband thinks it's the saddest thing in the world.
Sex should be beautiful, love affirming , it's about sharing yourself, body and soul, I couldn't be with a man who could separate sex from love, bringing it even lower to pure selfish gratification, knowing that the person you're using has NO interest in you whatsoever, is even worse.

I do think men feel differently to women about a lot of things, sex included. It's not sexist or generalising at all. I'm sure that many men love their partners and would not want to hurt them, but ime men have different sets of priorities to women, and are different to women in many ways and on many levels.

I know men are individuals and would therefore have their individual reasons for using a prostitute. I did not say 'they can't help it', indeed I pointed out that they can do it themselves, but may choose not to.

I did not 'slag' anyone off; funny how having a different point of view to you means that I am slagging men off.

my dh used to work with guys that did this (journalists..though i fear it happens in lots of proffessions/walks of life) they used to go for drinks,onto strip clubs,then progress to the brothel.my dh was really sickened by it.plus if any woman other than me ever came onto him,i think he'd cack himself!

he even told me some of them used to openly circle massage parlours in the local paper and cackle about it,making sure the other guys could see.

just grim.
dh has changed jobs now and is much happier.

"I do think men feel differently to women about a lot of things"

That is generalising. Not all men behave in this way.

We are all individuals, we can all behave according to our own beliefs/sensibilities.

If my husband had avoided married men who cheated on their wives he wouldn't have had anyone left to talk to malificence!! used to agree about tarring all forces men with the same brush but have had my eyes wel and truely opened!! I think they find it very easy to compartmentalise their lives and feel safe in the knowledge it rarely gets back to their wives.

I think some men then, if it makes you happy Laurie. However, not knowing all the men on the planet, and I suspect you don't either - equally you could be generalising too. How do you know that men don't feel differently to women about a lot of things? The ones I've asked about it do.

Urgh.

DH worked with someone in the City and for his stag night they got him a prostitute and were boasting about it as if it was normal and ok.

The woman he married was ultra catholic and a member of Opus Dei too.

So weird.

Ambercat I'm afraid I don't agree with you about the majority of forces men being unfaithful. My dh's work colleagues (he's a clerk in the raf) are all very lovely and family orientated- couldn't possibly imagine any of them cheating.He says the ones who are mostly unfaithful are the paras and marines for example- I think its something to do with being emotionally numbed by what goes on on operations etc. Luckily,my dh is one of the most trustworthy people you could meet.

One after another. Yuk.

They call that "stirring the porridge", don't they?...

I do think that the RAF is a breed apart from the Navy or Army YorS. We lived on a joint army/airforce base in Germany and the goings on were far more extreme than a normal airforce base! Affairs, sex parties, you name it.
The army live as a unit, move as one etc. it's all a bit incestous tbh. and the wives and families are second best I'm afraid.
There has been a lot of talk about soldiers coming home from Afghan/iraq more or less addicted to very nasty porn because they need something "extreme" to take them away from the horrific circumstances they endure day after day - obviously it's having a very bad effect on marriages as they are emotionally closed off to their poor families.
It's not just the families of the dead and injured soldiers who are suffering when they come home.

My husband was in the Gulf for 6 months when our dd was a baby - he was propositioned many times - by the Arab men though!
They were offering cars for a "virgin" young man, and if they were ginger they could name their price! Their were a couple of Air force lads raped out there by Arab police, all brushed under the carpet of course.

"stirring the porridge" vomits

That's one thing I can never understand in a million years - why would ANY man want to go where another bloke has just made a deposit? It's truly revolting.

I get quite angry about this sort of behaviour and often ask my husband WHY men do this type of thing - he just looks blankly and says why am I asking him, he understands it even less than I do!

Oh dear! That all sounds shocking! Which base was this? We might be getting posted to Rammstein- I'll have to try and steer clear of any sex parties in the mqs!!

Having read Ms Friday's books on women's sexual fantasies, I found this one most illuminating about men. And shocking, and horrifying - I couldn't finish it the first time round. I re-read it many years after I first tried, with more experienced eyes, and managed to keep it at "illuminating".

wanders off to read again

Just read this and I am not that surprised. I worked for a while on a public inquiry. There were men from the (now defunct) Department of Energy staying down in the area for 18m, and from another organisation involved in the project. As far as I know they didn't use prostitutes, but they seemed to think that it was OK for them to have it away with anyone available just because their 'significant others' were safely back in London . Perfectly nice blokes too.

It was quite an eye-opener.

I remember being on a school (sixth-form) residential trip to Germany in the 1980s, and being quite shocked that a) there was a brothel just down the road from the hotel, quite openly known to be such and b) that our coach-driver trotted off down there a couple of times. I don't think any teachers did!

I do think that most of the men I know are like me, in that the most sexually exciting thing a woman can do is not be in possession of wondrous tits or a great blow-job technique or huge amounts of sexual stamina, but quite simply fancy you back. The sexual power of someone doing that is really quite phenomenal. Everything else, including some of the other things mentioned above, then follow as a matter of course... Which is why the idea of shagging a prostitute is so unappealing. Fake lust? Ugh. It's like the difference between a proper rump steak and Quorn.

It's quiet disappointing to see the casual misandry of comments about men visiting prostitutes because they (the men, not the prostitutes) are "horrible".

(Of course, lots of men do it "therefore" lots of men are horrible, but that doesn't upset people's world-view because we always knew men were horrible, and that they were secretly all misogynist, blah, blah, etc., etc. Needless to say, "".)

If most or all of the men you know would never do it, doesn't that tell you that the men who would are in a miniority? I don't know what people's reasons for visiting prostitutes are - I imagine they are many and varied, and probably more complex than some of you give them credit for.

Now all we need to make this a proper debate is SolidGoldBrass chipping in with some actual but unpopular facts about the sex industry (they always go down well) and dittany piping up to tell me all men hate women and to castigate me for possession of an offensive penis, and I think we're done! Have I missed anything?...