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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect men with 'significant others' not to use the services of a prostitute?

137 replies

FourArms · 28/09/2009 17:39

Have just returned from a trip to visit my DH who was on a R&R period as part of his job. These men have been seperated from their OH's for a month or so. On the first evening quite a number of them used the services of prostitutes.

Quite apart from the rights and wrongs of people working in the sex industry, AIBU to think that men shouldn't need to do this? Some of them do have wives and girlfriends at home. I am also a bit about the general acceptance of this by the other blokes, and the fact that this is all kept secret from the partners at home. Luckily for the blokes involved, I don't know any of their partners, if I did, I'm not sure I could keep my mouth shut about it. I would want to know if my DH was doing this.

OP posts:
lavenderkate · 28/09/2009 19:53

I agree.

Its the oldest job in the world though isnt it. So that means some men have been this way for equally long.

Not all men are this way though.

pickupthismess · 28/09/2009 19:59

We used to be oil expats in Asia and many of the men had 'Thai wives' as they were called. We weren't in Thailand and they weren't wives !!! They often used to have one or two living in their villas with them and I guess money or luxury goods changed hands.

I used to be really shocked because the men's real wives and partners would come and visit them out in the field and everyone turned a blind eye. On more than one occasion the men would simply get the Thai wife to move into a friend's flat just down the road whilst their wife was visiting. The second they were gone the Thai wife would be back out with them. What was really shocking was that noone seemed to think this was unfair to the wife. And these were all professional men. Everyone carried on the deception. It made me think twice about trusting partners abroad.

foxytocin · 28/09/2009 20:15

the men don't have to go overseas they do it. lots of men in construction live away from home and set up a second temporary home with another partner right here in the UK. the second woman sometimes never find out when a couple of years later when the job is over, the relationship goes too. there are some men who only go 'home' to their legal wives about every 6 weeks.

DH has alluded to stories of the nights out where the company pays for all the food drink and entertainment for the men. There are certain nights out which he chooses to come home early. I ask him to spare me the details because if he finds it distasteful so will I. He did mention once of men who will have sex with a women on a stage in front of the male work colleagues who choose to watch. bleugh. I heard enough by then.

Georgimama · 28/09/2009 20:23

Personally, I think there is a latent homosexuality in all this group sex activity some men seem to find so appealling. It's like the big turn on is really the doing it with/in front of their mates, which is fine, but really, really odd if they think of themselves as straight.

Oh, and YANBU. Icky.

Malificence · 28/09/2009 21:42

Why in hell would a group of men want to watch a man they know, have sex?
Jesus that's vile.

YANBU, not by any stretch of the imagination.

We lived in Germany for many years when hubby was in the Air force, obviously there were legal brotels, some of hubby's single mates would visit them and my hubby thought it was as nasty as I did.
Why would you want to have sex with someone who has no interest in you and when they have had another person up them an hour before??
Why isn't there a vomit smilie?

valhala · 28/09/2009 22:00

Sex is power, though isn't it? Maybe they do it just because they can.

I have spoken to loads of male friends on this and discovered that it is surprisingly common, in all ages, classes and income brackets. There seem to be three camps - those who would, those who wouldn't and those who would screw around but only with someone they've go to know, claiming one night stands and prostitute use soulless. A lot of the men I have spoken to have been led by peer pressure (like a bunch of schoolkids, a bit pathetic really, imho), and alcohol and many have bedded a prostitute just because its something they have never done before and they want to know what its like/boast that they have to their mates/both.

Only once to my knowledge has a DP done so behind my back - and afterwards he left his credit card statement and receipt around, knowing I'd see it, later admitting that he wanted to be caught as he couldn't live with the guilt. I was 22 at the time, horrified, devastated, angry, hurt beyond words, insecure, broken to pieces, even jealous of this tart who had touched "my" man.... the arguments which ensued led to a failed suicide attempt on his part quickly followed by a diagnosis of manic depression. Needless to say, the relationship didn't survive.

foxytocin · 28/09/2009 22:15

the words dogs and bitch in heat comes to mind.

when dh and i were still dating and living abroad we listened to one of his co-workers tell a newcomer how much he missed his wife and couldn't wait to get back home etc. all very maudlin about it. we were in a popular friday night watering hole. the night wore on, this guy left and we got talking to the new guy. Wayne cheekily offered him a lift home but suggested to drop in at the well known whore house a few miles further down the road for one more drink before we turned in for the night. The first person we clapped eyes on was winsome storyteller, having a drink so we sat next to him with knowing smiles. He looked at the lot of us and said, 'Well I guess I've got nothing to say.' We dined out on that one for ages.

This good husband prick used to hire out the women for the whole weekend from the 'house'.

CuntWhacker · 28/09/2009 22:29

It's a huge inequality. Men do think they can get away with behaving like this. They like to feel it gives them power, and it is so demeaning to womankind in general. Being "bought" and played with for their sole pleasure.

Original poster
FourArms · 29/09/2009 07:08

Well I'm kind of glad that it's not just blokes in DH's line of work that get up to this nonsense. And also glad that we all seem to agree that it is not OK for them to do so.

OP posts:
skihorse · 29/09/2009 08:40

YANBU to "want" that, but YABU for thinking that only single men visit prostitutes.

In my dim and distant past I worked as a madame in a brothel and most of our customers were married. So many women think it's just going to be ugly, rancid, smelly old men - but some of these were seriously handsome men!

skihorse · 29/09/2009 08:43

Fourarms - I know a lot of military boys who are always banging on about how much they love/admire women/kids etc. - then first night in Dubai and they seem to forget they're paying people-traffickers etc. Hypocritical twats!

Longtalljosie · 29/09/2009 09:15

Skihorse - did you?

God my life so far has been worryingly pedestrian...

skihorse · 29/09/2009 09:22

Longtalljosie Yes, I'd recommend it to anyone needing a more cynical view on men/sex. "Extra fiver and you don't need a johnny". That coming from an HIV+ girl...

kreecherlivesupstairs · 29/09/2009 11:13

We lived for a long time in Thailand, home to a lot of brothels. prostitution is illegal although you wouldn't believe it. My dh is rather naive and got propositioned a lot even when I was with him!
Many of his colleagues had either a regular 'girl' or a so called mia noi (minor wife) who they would set up in a flat in order to have on tap intercourse. Apart from the disprespect it shows their legal/real partners, there is always the STD angle to consider.
So OP, YANBU to think what you think.

herladyship · 29/09/2009 11:23

a close friend (in the forces) also tell me that this is 'the norm' under the guise of

'what happens on tour, stays on tour'

vile!

Longtalljosie · 29/09/2009 11:37

@skihorse - oh lord, that's dreadful

scaryteacher · 29/09/2009 11:45

'Tis difficult.....one the one hand, I don't agree with using prostitutes, however, it presumably is better than having an affair, the woman following you back to UK and breaking up the marriage.

Yes, this does happen, I saw back in the late 70s/early 80s several marriages broken up like this. Also, on that particular trip (a long 6 month one), not one married man in the group concerned had not had an affair (including the boss), whilst their wives were on the other side of the world, keeping everything together.

In such a case I would prefer the paid sex option.

YummyorSlummy · 29/09/2009 11:49

Fourarms- where did you visit your dh? I've just got back from visiting mine in the Falklands and he told me that someone had recently been in trouble for bringing a prostitute onto the camp! Sickening!

smallwhitecat · 29/09/2009 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scaryteacher · 29/09/2009 11:56

I don't agree SWC. Had the man in question used a prostitute then no-one would have known. However, his mistress followed him back to the UK, nearly broke up his marriage, causing great distress to the wife; and caused untold and permanent and never resolved damage to his relationship with one of his children. That's unforgivable ime and imo.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 29/09/2009 11:58

I used to be in the Navy and while on a ship in the Carribean I got talking to a man who was v matter of fact about his need to use prostitutes while away from his GF (for up to 8 months) and her acceptance of this - as long as he didn't have an affair with any of the girls on board - rather as Scaryteacher says above.

I did hear some pretty sordid stories - and some men dropped massively in my estimation as a result. Not everyone is like that though.

DH was in Dubai recently and a bunch of guys asked to be moved from their hotel as they couldn't have a beer without being propositioned by Russian prostitutes.

I trust him absolutely, but if I ever found out that I was wrong to do so, he'd be out on his ear.

sincitylover · 29/09/2009 12:03

One of my close relatives has used a prostitute once on a foreign business trip. I don't really judge him for it. In fact I prob judge him more for having a gf half his age. What's that all about?

My exh regularly vists Thailand and def had a 'friend' there he had 'fun' with (cos I hacked into his email). Though he flatly denied ever being unfaithful during our 13 year marriage

We didn't sleep together much and I wondered whether it was because he was sleeping with her/an other.

Sadly and cynically none of this surprises me. Men traditionally have not had the moral restraints that women have had on how much and who they have sex with even if they get married/live with someone.

Think of all the upstanding men who have been found to be up to all sorts!!

LaurieFairyCake · 29/09/2009 12:05

I think having an affair with an equal, consensual partner is far preferable to finding out you've been married to a fuck-bastard-wank-stain who thinks it's ok to procure sex from women who are mostly exploited.

On one hand your dh is a arsehole who doesn't respect you and on the other, a guy who disrespects all women.

ambercat · 29/09/2009 12:11

majority of men in the forces are unfaithful in my experience.

scaryteacher · 29/09/2009 12:21

From whose point of view Laurie? The marriage that was ruined limped on again for another 11 years, when he did it again and was thrown out for good this time. Had he stuck to prostitutes that may not have happened.

A prostitute (and I think it should be legalised and regulated for the safety and health of those involved) is a straight transaction for money. An affair has damaging and long term effects for the wife and family.

Incidentally, don't you think that referring to a man as you do, f-b-w-s, brings you down from the moral high ground you want to occupy?

What about the mistress (unpaid tart) who exploits the happiness of the wife and family, or is that morally acceptable? It takes two.