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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not give a gift? (yes, it's about weddings)

52 replies

laweaselmys · 27/09/2009 17:23

I got one of those wedding invites, and they would like cash for their holiday. While I don't necessarily have a problem with giving money there is absolutely no detail about what the holiday is.

Plus we will be spectacularly broke - the wedding is just after the Christmas that we will not be buying anybody any gifts for...

So can I really do it and just not buy them anything for the wedding since they apparently 'have everything they could possibly need'?!

OP posts:
BedofRosesItAintII · 27/09/2009 17:33

Yes why not. Afterall if they 'have everything they could possibly need' then they won't need your cash

YANBU.

mmrsceptic · 27/09/2009 17:42

They won't notice, tbh.

ceres · 27/09/2009 19:45

personally if i can't afford to give a gift then i don't go.

i know loads of people will disagree with this and say it costs a lot to attend weddings, people shouldn't be greedy, a friend would want you there even without a gift.....etc

i still wouldn't go if i couldn't give a gift. it might be that i'm irish and would be mortified to go to a wedding 'with hands hanging' but that's the way it is. i have attended many uk weddings as well as the irish ones - the uk ones are faaaaaaaaaaar cheaper to attend. in ireland it is more common to give cash gifts and the average is 150 - 200 euros per couple. maybe that explains why i find it easy to turn down wedding invitations!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/09/2009 20:01

YANBU
any real friend would not expect it if they knew you were cutting back.

TheHeadbangingWombat · 27/09/2009 20:02

YANBU. I'm with Bedofroses on this.

alarkaspree · 27/09/2009 20:02

I agree with mmrsceptic. They are very unlikely to notice. Send them a nice card.

TheHeadbangingWombat · 27/09/2009 20:03

I wouldn't go.

chaosisawayoflife · 27/09/2009 20:37

YANBU. I got married recently. Didn't ask for anything, no gift list, no cash request, nothing. Some people gave us cash, some people gave us vouchers, some gave us lovely gifts, and some people just a card. I wasn't at all bothered by those who just gave a card, as I know in most cases they couldn't afford to give us a gift and would have felt awful if they had. Also, despite the amazing generosity of some people who gave money and vouchers, the gift I was most touched by was a home-made one. I hate this culture of people expecting wedding gifts and guests feeling that they have to give them, and in most cases write a cheque for far more than they would comfortably spend because the recipients will know how much they have spent. Yes, weddings are expensive, but you don't throw a party and invite people if you aren't willing to do so, and you shouldn't expect compensation from them in return.
Rant over.

cornsilk · 27/09/2009 20:41

If they sent one of those naff poems saying taht they didn't really need anything etc then definitely go with no gift. Cheeky feckers.

ceres · 27/09/2009 20:43

they may not mind but i would be surprised if they didn't notice - surely people have to keep a list of who gave whatever in order to send out thank you notes?

like i said i really wouldn't not give a gift, but gifts need not be expensive. if they are good friends i would go to the wedding and give something small but thoughtful. if they are not good friends then i would politely decline the invite.

chaosisawayoflife · 27/09/2009 20:49

I would have been devastated if I thought people were turning down my invitation because they couldn't afford a gift. Although the poems and requests for money come across as horribly money-grabbing and greedy, I actually think in most cases they aren't, its just people following the crowd and doing what they think is expected of them. Unfortunately nowadays it is seen as completely normal and expected to put a gift list or a note about what you want in an invitation, and I think people do it without really thinking about how rude and greedy it comes across as. Only the op knows the people who have done the inviting, but if they are friends then I'm sure they would rather have them at the wedding than not, regardless of whether they make a donation to their holiday fund.

leftangle · 27/09/2009 20:54

I would hate to think anyone felt they had to bring a gift to my wedding. We put a bit in with the maps saying we really don't need anything so presents are not expected but if people do want to give us something euros for our honeymoon would be welcome.
We meant it! I will probably notice who gives us gifts for the thank you notes but won't care. Would want you not to give a gift unless you really wanted to. Only put the text in with the invites because otherwise I know a lot of people would ask us and we'd have to have a conversation about how we really really didn't want anything but.. .

ceres · 27/09/2009 21:00

i agree about the poems etc. in fact i think any mention of gifts is rude, we made absolutely no reference to gifts - apart from thank you notes to those that gave us gifts. hence i had to keep track of who gave what.

some people didn't give us anything and while i don't mind this in the least it is not something i would do myself. i was brought up to believe if you are invited to a wedding/christening/dinner party/birthday party/whatever you bring the host something, even if it is just a small token.

LittleWhiteWolf · 27/09/2009 21:09

We asked for cash if people wanted to give us a gift (naturally non-compulsory) and everyone was happy to oblige. Our cash donations for our honeymoon ranged from £20-£100, but mostly were about £30. We also received a few gifts, which was nice. We got some gorgeous wine glasses (a pair) which was lovely although we dont drink wine and they are too nice to use for anything else so they are display only, and we got a lot of photoframes in the shape of hearts when one would have sufficed for a pic of us on our wedding day.

If you cannot afford anything then just give a card. If you can afford something then give cash. It need not be lots. We had many people give us £20 which was wonderful and we were very grateful. Our honeymoon was a small road trip around Exeter and Somerset as we were spectacularly poor. We paid for our own accomodation (travel lodges) and everyone elses gifts went on lovely meals out and attractions. We had a wonderful time and our friends and rellies were happy to help us have this special time.

moondog · 27/09/2009 22:14

Chaos, what was the home-made gift then?

chaosisawayoflife · 28/09/2009 07:39

It was a photo album which she had covered herself with a sewn patchwork cover and put beads with our name and the wedding date on it. Its beautiful, and the fact that she put so much effort into it was touching.

LoveBeingAMummy · 28/09/2009 07:45

If you really can't afford a gift then don't give one. If you feel bad about going and not getting anything either get a cheap bottle of bubbly in the run u to xmas, or even recycle a bottle you get given for xmas. Please don't worry it realy is more importnant if a friend attends.

PuppyMonkey · 28/09/2009 07:52

I'd just save up and put a tenner in an envelope with a nice card and stop worrying about it tbh.

moondog · 28/09/2009 08:38

How lovely.

Portofino · 28/09/2009 08:42

Surely you invite people to your wedding because you want to see them and celebrate the day with them. Not because they will hand to a wadge of cash in return?

DorotheaPlenticlew · 28/09/2009 08:58

I have never gotten married but I do think people are a bit harsh about the "rudeness" of a simple note suggesting cash if guests want to give a gift. I have been a guest at many weddings and it's much simpler if people point you in the right direction of what they would actually like.

IMO those who loftily say they deliberately made no mention of gifts at all well great, aren't you amazing but personally I'd have found this slightly inconvenient if I were a guest of yours, because I'd have been at a loss as to how to best mark the occasion. Alternative suggestion -- we had a good friend who did an Oxfam charity gifts wedding list, I'd say that's the best option if you want to be really altruistic. And she sent lovely thank you notes about it afterwards. Lots of African toilets, girls' clubs and so on as a result of that union

rimmer08 · 28/09/2009 16:24

i got an invite to a reception where they wanted cash but they didnt get me and DH anything so i didnt give them anything

belgo · 28/09/2009 16:30

YABU. I think it's rude to go to a wedding and not bring any gift at all. When I cut back on spending money I cut back on things for myself -I may cut back on the amount of money I spend on presents, but I wouldn't cut them out altogether.

A home made gift as moondog suggests is a very good idea.

rookiemater · 28/09/2009 16:50

Can I ask how much is the polite amount to give when attending one of these cash only weddings ?

I ask because I went to one and we gave £50.00 but I got the slight impression that more was expected, we were full day guests. I then read I think on mumsnet that present is meant to equal cost of day.

Oh YANBU btw althoug can't remember what question was.

famishedass · 28/09/2009 17:13

YABU - you shouldn't go to any party empty handed. It makes you look like a cheapskate don't you think regardless of whether or not your friends mind, it still makes you look cheap. Sorry, but better we tell you here.

Can you offer to make or do something instead, or contribute in some other way?

Honestly, don't do it. The deal is, when you get married people buy you presents and when it's their turn, you buy a present back. That's how it works.

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