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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really not give a gift? (yes, it's about weddings)

52 replies

laweaselmys · 27/09/2009 17:23

I got one of those wedding invites, and they would like cash for their holiday. While I don't necessarily have a problem with giving money there is absolutely no detail about what the holiday is.

Plus we will be spectacularly broke - the wedding is just after the Christmas that we will not be buying anybody any gifts for...

So can I really do it and just not buy them anything for the wedding since they apparently 'have everything they could possibly need'?!

OP posts:

forehead · 28/09/2009 20:08

I wish people would bloody well stop asking for cash. I usually give cash or gift vouchers as wedding presents, but if the couple include one of those silly little poems or ask for cash i don't give them a damn thing. I know some posters will think that i'm being mean, but i really dislike this culture of asking for cash or inserting gift lists in invitations. When i got married i simply requested the company of my guest, i didn't ask them to pay for my blasted honeymoon or to furnish my home. I think you should go to the wedding and enjoy some free food and booze.

chickbean · 28/09/2009 20:10

We had everything we really needed and I knew that although I love Denby dinner sets I'd be always breaking stuff and resenting paying to replace it (never break my Matalan plates)- so we said that no-one needed to buy us a present (and meant it). We did say that if anyone wanted to make us a present we'd be really pleased - or make a donation to charity if they wanted to. We got quite a few homemade presents, a few donations to charity, a few other gifts, but the vast majority didn't give us anything except a card.

I think that a really good handmade present can be great. I have done very personalised samplers (time-consuming but unique) which some friends have actually requested. After the event you can do photo albums with photos you have taken, or cork boards made using the corks from the wedding wine.

lilmissmummy · 28/09/2009 20:14

Yes give them a beautiful card and they will just be happy that you attended. We got married last month and we were grateful that our friends and family made it

CuntWhacker · 28/09/2009 22:32

Agree. A lovely handmade card should suffice.

freename · 29/09/2009 11:03

Theres 2 camps on this. Those who are just grateful that people share their day and those that want guests to jump through hoops to make them feel special.

Card and gift of your choice (if you are going) should suffice.....that can be money, home made gift, vouchers whatever. You choose according to YOUR budget.

I like a wedding me, but it never ceases to amaze me how self absorbed some couples are about how much they are asking. What about those that get married abroad and expect you to come just because you're invited? Some people are not so important that I want to spend money on flights, hotels, outfits, use up precious holiday time off work and time out of schools. No thanks.

Guess which camp I was in when I got married?

ceres · 29/09/2009 11:12

but surely an invite is just that? yes it is costly to attend a wedding but if you can't afford it/don't want to go then just politely decline and send a card. it is an invite, not a summons.

when we got married some people couldn't attend, that's life. i wouldn't dream of being put out that they couldn't/didn't want to come.

i personally think any mention of gifts is rude, but if people have a gift list or request contributions towards their honeymoon then that's up to them. not something i would do but everyone is different.

to me giving a gift is part of the cost of attending. if things are tight and i want to go then i give a gift that i can afford.

GrendelsMum · 29/09/2009 11:54

Just give them a card, home made if possible - we didn't ask for anything for our wedding, and got a whole load of wonderful, very personal presents, which probably had cost a whole range of prices. (Well, which had pretty obviously cost a range of prices.) We were actually particularly touched by a home-made card we were given.

HateTheHoover · 29/09/2009 12:09

YAB a bit U. I don't think you should have to give cash (cash requests always wind ME up too!), but you should take a small token gift. I think as long as you put thought into it, a low value present is fine - a small picture frame or photo album with a picture of them in it maybe?

verytiredmummy · 29/09/2009 15:57

I agree with everything HateTheHoover said. Don't give cash, but don't go empty-handed either.

My friends' kids made us flapjacks for a wedding present, then wrote out (beautifully!) the recipe and stuck it inside the lid of the tin. I loved it! You can buy really cheap, pretty cake tins in Tesco for a couple of pounds, if that takes your fancy.

My brother and sis in law asked for money for their honeymoon, we gave them £100 (my husband's idea - not mine, I'd have been much less generous) and they didn't go anywhere! I've often thought that I'd like that cash back...

expatinscotland · 29/09/2009 16:02

I wouldn't get them anything but a card.

If no other gifts are welcome but cold hard cash, and you don't have any, either don't go or get them nada.

TwoManyFallsAndYouGetABadScore · 29/09/2009 16:05

I would take a card and a small gift with me - a bottle of nice wine/bubbly (depending on your budget), some truffles/luxury chocolates.

onemoretimetoday · 29/09/2009 16:13

I'm think it's extremely rude to come empty handed. I wouldn't dream of going to a friend for dinner without a bottle and neither would most people so why would anyone go to a wedding without a token gift? A nice bottle of wine, some flowers, a photo album, some chocolate, anything but don't go empty handed, just take something to say thanks for inviting me.

expatinscotland · 29/09/2009 16:19

there have been numerous threads on here from couples who've wound up with tons of unwanted photos albums and picture frames, so don't go down that route.

if you want to go down the small gift route, why not think outside the box and go different from bottle of wine/chocolates/picture shit?

how about a card with two cinema vouchers or iTunes voucher or even a shopping voucher. everyone has a use for those.

TwoManyFallsAndYouGetABadScore · 29/09/2009 16:49

problem is with vouchers, everyone knows how much you have spent.

And i never turn my nose up at a nice box of chocolates or a good bottle of wine

claudialyman · 29/09/2009 18:05

As dorethea said: a charity gift. This site is good and interesting www.goodgifts.org/ You can restore someones sight for £17. Design a wedding card for them and the charity gift will be printed inside.

CatchaStar · 29/09/2009 18:20

What about just getting them a nice bottle of wine or 2 wine glasses or something like that? Make something? I would never go empty handed as I think that's just incredibly rude. I'm sure you could stretch to a bottle of wine, just as a token to say thank you for the invite?

I hate all this crap with wedding gift lists or requests for money - I think it's just plain greedy and rude. I would never do it. If people wish to buy a gift, that's very kind of them. But I could never bring myself to ask for anything, much less direct them to an online account where they can choose from a particular selection of items hand picked by moi.

Yuck! I think it's horrid.

I would never dream of even going over to a friends for an evening without taking a bottle for them, it's polite.

It doesn't have to be big or expensive, just a token to say thanks.

crokky · 29/09/2009 18:37

Are they really good friends? If so, they ought to understand you are broke and would prefer you attended without a present.

If not that good friends, just don't go.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/09/2009 18:39

i do think you need to take something as a gift

if you dont want to do cash for their holiday then give a voucher for johnlewis/waitroise or a nice box of choccys from thornton

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 29/09/2009 19:17

Why not have a look on eBay for something. I used to make & sell wedding wine glass charms which were very popular. They were little rings which attach to the stem of a wine glass/champagne flute & had little swarovski beads and a charm on them. The beads could even match the colour scheme of the wedding, and the charms were either: number plates which said "Just Married. State of Bliss", 2 intertwined champagne flutes saying "Bride" and "Groom", or 2 separate Champagne Glasses that say "Bride" on one and "Groom" on the other.
In fact, I may still have some of these if you would like a set ? I will even send them to you free of charge, so they won't cost you a penny !
You could present them in a pretty little box for a couple of quid from a card shop or something.

spiralqueen · 29/09/2009 22:30

Don't feel obliged to give them cash - if you don't feel comfortable about going empty handed a token gift is fine. We were given bottles of champagne, photo albums, mugs with bride & groom on them, decision dice and some homemade gifts.

I would caution the photo albums & frames as we were also given loads as engagement presents and we now have more than we know what to do with. Also the same again with homemade gifts as we received several collages and cross-stitch pictures which although we really appreciate the thought and time spent on them, it is difficult to display them all which is a huge shame.

InMyLittleHead · 29/09/2009 22:59

Have never understood why people automatically get presents (or worse, cash) just because they are getting married. Everyone already has stuff nowadays anyway, they just think it's an excuse to ask for a £90 knife or something equally ridiculous.

NestaFiesta · 30/09/2009 13:11

I went to a friend's wedding once and since I don't drive, it was a £40 train fare and an £85 overnight hotel bill. I therefore didn't get them a gift since I was single and on a low-ish income. When I got married myself, we said no gifts as we had a home etc already, but we got lots of Mothercare vouchers since I was pregnant. Personally, I think asking for vouchers etc is a new trend which I am happy to go along with as a guest, but I object to the sense of entitlemnt that some couples have in expecting a lot back from guests just for throwing a wedding they wanted to have anyway.

sugardumpling · 30/09/2009 13:25

YANBU I got married last November and we didn't ask for anything,people thought it was odd that we didn't have a gift list but we've been together for years and have everything. I didn't invite people to get presents or cash from them,I just wanted them to share our day.

Nancy66 · 30/09/2009 13:35

I don't think you should do nothing. But there's lots of ways of offering a gift that won't set you back a fortune.

Baking a cake is a good idea, the photo album, is a good idea. Or you could take your own camera and take some off guard snaps of the couple and send them the best one in a frame. Or compile a montage of pictures from the reception and just stick them in a clip frame.

I went to NY for my 40th. One of my closest friends is a single mother and couldn't afford to come. Instead she asked what nights I was going to be in - picked one of them and said 'stay in and don't eat' - and had an Indian takeaway and a bottle of wine delivered. Was a really thoughtful, quirky and (affordable) gift.

PurplePoppy · 30/09/2009 20:52

You could write out your favourite love poem on coloured paper and put it in a cheap frame (or a frame you already have), you could rade a charity shop for some quirky glasses, books, vinyl that they would love, I honestly do think its the thought that counts, not the amount of money spent. You dont need to spend anything at all to give a present.

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