That my ds will not be spending christmas day with his dad?

[Squiglet]

OK, this is prob an issue for lots of families so interested in feedback from others in similar situations particularly.

Overview is ds1 is 9 and lives with me, his step dad and his little brother. He has spent the last 4 christmas' with us, and specifically has asked to. He has said he wants to spend christmas again with us and as his brothers birthday is on the 27th he doesnt want to go to see his dad till after on the 28th at earliest.

When his dad collected him I said that he could have him over the holidays from the 28th, and could he let me know what days etc. He was very angry and said that he was having him for xmas and that he'll do as he is told. I asked ds1 to go to room while we 'discussed' it. We dont tend to have disagreements and not infront of ds1. It was horrible, ex-p said that ds is only 8 (nope he is 9 going on 10) and that he shouldnt have a choice and that would i let him jump of a cliff if he wanted to. His dad doesnt do the magic xmas stuff with him as said there is no point as its not christmas. I always offer his dad time over summer etc too, most he ever wants is a long weekend, very occasionally (like one) was it nearer a week. He doenst take him on holiday with him when he goes (today was first time seeing him for a month as been abroad).

Anyway, I could go on for ages about his dad but that would be a looong post.

So AIBU in sticking to guns and what ds1 wants?

Totally agree with you LadyEvenstar .

tootired - i dont think i clarified, ex didnt want ds for the other christmas' only last one and this one as he couldnt accomodate him and had dsd and dss's there. One has now left home and the other sees her dad as she is 16. It is also since i had ds2 (again last 2 years) this has become a want of ex, almost like now i have another child he wants to 'stake his claim' with ds1. So infact ds expressing wanting be home with us as been going on since he was 7 (very near 8). Of course he is a very important part of ds1's life and he is his biological dad and i wouldnt wish it to be any other way. He is a controlling man however and as ds1 gets older he has more opinions and this is hard for ex to accept. He also seems to think that anything ds1 wants/says that he doesnt agree with, it is all down to me. It is sad that he is so insecure.

I am grateful to this thread though as it has helped air out the issue and given me feedback from all aspects, which is never a bad thing.

OP - I do think YABU. A 10 year old will usually say what he/she thinks the person asking wants to hear, also it is a big decision for a child to have to make, this kind of thing should be decided by the parents and should ensure even access. A child needs a proper relationship with both parents. My DSD's split Christmas's between us and their Mum, they come on Christmas Eve one year and their mum picks them up after lunch, the next year its the other way round - it works well, its fair and the kids like it - they also appreciated not being made to choose between us.
I agree with VinegarTits, TTT, Nooka, Tatt etc.

spice - not asking him to choose. Actually not asked him at all. He asked. Do agree must be a horrible place to be feeling you have to choose between the 2 people you love. However, it wasnt about making him choose, it was about listening to what he is asking, which i hope i am doing. Hence i am going to talk to his dad about xmas eve.

I hope that you work something out that makes you all happy. I don't think it is terribly surprising that your ds's dad has become more worried about his links with his son since you had another baby, as it probably does make your home more of a family home to your ds. Not only does he have to choose between his mum and his dad, but his baby brother too.

Ah, sorry Squiglet, that makes more sense now. And under those circumstances your new dates are a great compromise.

Good luck talking with ex.

Right, all sorted. Ds and I went through calender and came up with pre xmas ideas (xmas eve and days leading up to) and also boxing day and sleeping over, with also another extra day added onto his dads weekend.

Poor ds was quite stressed about it all and cried poor boy. He has quite a 'deep' convo with his dad over it and felt very guilty for his dad. Am actually quite cross with his dad, but i do understand too.

Ds ultimately wants everyone together at once, so i've said that it isnt really an option but the other ideas sound hopeful.

Long and short of it is spoken to his dad who is having him 26th and morning of 27th. Doesnt think he'll get any time off work to add extra time in elsewhere.. Tbh that is often what he says. So all the work up and only an extra night sleep over.

Ah well, at least all sorted and ds seems much happier now. I suggested to ex that if it works well we should make that the arrangement for each year till ds is older, perhaps unreasonable but on the flip side at least we'd all know what is happening.