Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my ds will not be spending christmas day with his dad?

132 replies

Squiglet · 25/09/2009 22:34

OK, this is prob an issue for lots of families so interested in feedback from others in similar situations particularly.

Overview is ds1 is 9 and lives with me, his step dad and his little brother. He has spent the last 4 christmas' with us, and specifically has asked to. He has said he wants to spend christmas again with us and as his brothers birthday is on the 27th he doesnt want to go to see his dad till after on the 28th at earliest.

When his dad collected him I said that he could have him over the holidays from the 28th, and could he let me know what days etc. He was very angry and said that he was having him for xmas and that he'll do as he is told. I asked ds1 to go to room while we 'discussed' it. We dont tend to have disagreements and not infront of ds1. It was horrible, ex-p said that ds is only 8 (nope he is 9 going on 10) and that he shouldnt have a choice and that would i let him jump of a cliff if he wanted to. His dad doesnt do the magic xmas stuff with him as said there is no point as its not christmas. I always offer his dad time over summer etc too, most he ever wants is a long weekend, very occasionally (like one) was it nearer a week. He doenst take him on holiday with him when he goes (today was first time seeing him for a month as been abroad).

Anyway, I could go on for ages about his dad but that would be a looong post.

So AIBU in sticking to guns and what ds1 wants?

OP posts:
ThePhantomPlopper · 26/09/2009 10:31

I agree that it's not really fair on the Dad not to see his Son on Christmas Day, but he's 9 and should be allowed to choose where he wants to spend his Christmas. I think if it was just a normal day I'd be inclined to send him to his Dad's anyway, but Christmas is about the Kids and imagine how he'd feel knowing his little brother is having a magical Mummy day and he's missing it.

If the ex really wants to see him, he will be willing to compromise and pop round in the afternoon. Or if DS is willing you could suggest him going for Christmas Eve and coming back in the morning, then opening your presents and continuing as normal.

ThePhantomPlopper · 26/09/2009 10:32

'Boys are all about Mummy for the first few years, let boys be boys.'

My 3 year old is all about Grandad. Mummy and Daddy don't get a look in.

VinegarTits · 26/09/2009 10:36

Same here plopper, poor daddy gets dropped for Grandpa, the minute they reach daddy's house

PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2009 10:49

I think that your EXH needs to culitvate his relationship with his son throughout the year so that DS might want to spend Christmas with him. I agree that it shouldn't be about who does the best Christmas, but it is unfair for your EXH to expect your DS to spend christmas with someone who hardly knows him. He will feel homesick. He shouldn't feel like that when with his father.

You can't just jump in on special occasions and expect to be treated like a special parent when you can't be arsed the rest of the time!

hanaboo · 26/09/2009 11:02

YANBU to want what ur son wants, i understand the disappointment ur son would feel if his dad doesn't make xmas a magical day, kids love the magic. (and look 4ward to xmas all year long!)

i do think YABU 'not to want to disrupt the day' by letting xh come to visit and/or take him 4 a couple of hours in the afternoon.

tootiredtothink · 26/09/2009 11:04

The OP hasn't said anything about the relationship between them, or how often ds sees his dad.

He got his age wrong in an argument - I'm always calling my dcs by each others name and I can never get my own age right! But I love them more than anything and it certainly doesn't make me not worthy of having them on Christmas day.

He sees him every birthday (even when he doesn't have him with him) and would obviously like to see him at Christmas for once. Hardly a crime.

LoveBeingAMummy · 26/09/2009 11:14

OP can you tell us more about the relationship between ex and ds. You said he hadn't seen him for a year why is that?

tootiredtothink · 26/09/2009 11:31

I thought it was a month he hadn't seen him for as he's been abroad?

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/09/2009 12:36

obv both parents want to see their child/ren at christmas

fairest solution is to swap each year,one have xmas day and one have boxing day

you have had the last 4 christmas's so obv your ds wants to be at yours as it is all that he really remembers

curiositykilled · 26/09/2009 12:47

YANBU

Every year XP has DS and DD to sleep over on xmas eve, eve - the night of 23rd december. We are all happy with this arrangement, they have two xmas' actually at xmas time. XP doesn't have them to sleep over any other time during the year and is normally content with a few visits for a couple of hours though.

9 is old enough to have input into the situation in my mind. I think if your X pushes for xmas even though DS doens't want to go then it is for selfish reasons rather than for DS, contact should be about the child. Is there a compromise like the one we do that would appease XH and DS would still enjoy?

tootiredtothink · 26/09/2009 12:51

But OP's ds has been having this input for 4 years so from age 5. Is that old enough too?

mrsjammi · 26/09/2009 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diddl · 26/09/2009 12:55

Do you not get on well enough for ex to poop round in morning and see his son open his pressies?

Maybe even stay for lunch?

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/09/2009 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

curiositykilled · 26/09/2009 13:19

5 and 9 are both ages in my mind where children could have varying levels of input into where they want to spend xmas. I don't think either age is old enough to have complete control over the final decision.

You do need to consider the child's feelings if they are old enough to express them so that could be from the time they can speak. I would try for a compromise that both DS and XH were happy with in this situation.

I think waiting till the 28th is a bit harsh. My children do not like me impinging on their time with their dad as it changes his interaction with them - he worries about giving them sweets and playing sword games if he thinks I'll disapprove. We always do things separately and it would make a big negative difference to all our xmas if we had to spend it together.

Don't see why OP shouldn't encourage DS to see that his dad is sad without him at xmas and he could be gracious and go for a sleepover one of the xmas days at least.

nooka · 26/09/2009 17:19

Sorry Flamingo, I guess you just caught me on a nerve there. Trouble is that for those of us who have any personal experience of this sort of thing (as parents or children) it totally affects our opinions on the matter. dh has been primary carer for our children more often than not now - if we split again it's quite possible that he could make a claim for the children to live with him, so that of course affects my judgment on these matters, because it could quite easily be me that's not "allowed" Christmas with my children. As it was we worked very hard to make sure that the children knew they had two homes, with no assumptions about anything. It wasn't ideal, and if either of us had made a new family I think it woudl have been even harder. I suspect that's part of the issue here, as I suspect family dynamics change radically when there are new siblings in the picture.

sayithowitis · 26/09/2009 18:00

I just wonder what the reaction would be had the OP said 'my 9 year old DS wants to spend Christmas day with his father instead of with me'. How many of those who are saying that a 9 year old is old enough to make that decision would still be saying it then?

His Dad may well do the 'magic christmas stuff' with him, if he actually has him for Christmas!

When my parents were divorced, we were never given the option of seeing my dad for christmas, unless he chose to leave his new partner and son alone for christmas so he could see us. That was the position my mum put him in. To his credit, he did come for a couple of Christmas days.

I think it is wrong to allow the child to dictate this. I really do think that sometimes, as the adult, a parent has to say : 'I've listened to you but on this occasion, I really do think you should spend the time with your Dad.' There is no reason why the lad can't be home again for his brother's birthday and you could have a separate 'christmas' for him after if you really want to.

scattykatty · 26/09/2009 18:12

I think you are being very unfair/selfish.

The Father has just as much right as you and has not seen him for 4 years on Xmas day. You don't know that he doesn't say he wants to be with him to his Dad, do you?

His Dad deserves a chance to make the day special for him, it's not very nice for you to suggest he won't. He clearly loves his son and wants to be a part of his life.

Be honest, YOU want you DS on Xmas day so whether DS had said he wanted to stay or not YOU would have wanted him to. Remember you didn't make him on your own and then his Father have him this year!

ElenorRigby · 26/09/2009 18:21

My DP's ex wants DSD to spend every Christmas with her. This means that DSD and DD who are sisters will never get to wake up Christmas morning and open their pressies together. I think that is shockingly selfish on her part.
I think Christmas arrangements should alternate for children with parents who separated. So yes I think the OP is being unreasonable.

scattykatty · 26/09/2009 18:25

I 100% agree, if you are not with the Father then you should swap EVERY Christmas. It's only fair.

Children want what they are taught to want. He may well have the best Christmas of his life...if he has the chance.

GypsyMoth · 26/09/2009 18:31

and what about the little brother in all this? he probably wants his big brother around?

scattykatty · 26/09/2009 18:38

And he has done for 4 years! Be reasonable, every other year is perfectly fine. Should OP not teach the LB to share? To understand that not everything can always go his way?

ElenorRigby · 26/09/2009 18:40

As DD will want her sister around at Christmas, something she will never experience if the ex gets her way.
Compromise is key in these situations, there can never be the perfect solution but only the best possible solution given the circumstances.
Parental selfishness should not come in to it.

scroobiuspirate · 26/09/2009 18:40

father's have rights. yes/ but that rather depends on how much that particular father has done to deserve/earn those rights.

Not all splits are amicable in the care of the dc's. Op needs to explain to us why she has come to the conclusion that her ds1 would be better off with her at xmas. Has her ds ever had a good, reliable relationship with his dad.

Has the dad made regular, good nuturing contact?

Maybe the ds sees right thru the dad, and thinks 'why the hell should i spend that special day with him', when he doesn't bother generally?'

Dads and mums, any non resident parent has a duty to nurture and be in thier dc's life. It is not their 'right' if they are rubbish to suddenly demand what 'they' want. Just because it will make them feel better, or look better.

From what op, has said, there seems to be evidence that the father isn't a great father.

scroobiuspirate · 26/09/2009 18:42

scattycatty said ' He clearly loves his son and wants to be a part of his life.'

do we know this, is there evidence to suggest it completely.