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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be considering an affair

72 replies

londonartemis · 25/09/2009 14:43

Am in a sexless marriage, but a strong partnership for our family. I have been faithful throughout.
Met someone yesterday who came on to me very strongly at a function we were at. I didn't know him, but we know someone in common and I know I could get track him down if I tried. I resisted his advances yesterday, but can't get him out of my head today.

OP posts:
EllieG · 25/09/2009 14:47

YABU. Don't do it. Sort out your marriage or leave him, an affair won't help, it will only cause everyone horrible pain, whether it's discovered or not. Beleive me, I know what I'm talking about.

HeadFairy · 25/09/2009 14:48

What ellieG said... YABU

DrunkenDaisy · 25/09/2009 14:50

don't do it, unless you really really hate your DH and want to cause unbearable pain and suffering.

talk to him about how bad its got and sort it out. even if that means splitting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2009 14:51

YABU. Use this encounter constructively not destructively. It has focused you you on what is wrong with your marriage, stay in focus and fix it. You say it is a strong partnership for your family - do not throw that away with both hands.

ThePhantomPlopper · 25/09/2009 14:51

YABU.

Either leave or work on your marriage.

Malificence · 25/09/2009 14:52

A sexless marriage by choice? Yours or his?
You are feeling wanted by this man and if your husband doesn't want you I'm not surprised you are in turmoil.

I would tell your husband how you feel and how tempted you were, if you're unhappy that he no longer wants sex with you then he needs to hear that you NEED to feel wanted and that not being wanted is soul destroying.
Ask him why he arbitrarily ended your sex life - was it without discussion?
I couldn't stay with or love someone who didn't want me, it would destroy me. You deserve love.

flowerybeanbag · 25/09/2009 14:53

Do you really expect anyone to say 'YANBU'??

DubyahDawtHoochieMomma · 25/09/2009 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

groundhogs · 25/09/2009 14:57

This thing yesterday is a SYMPTOM, not a cause...

Work on the marriage. If if doesn't work, then at least then you can have an honest conversation with your DH about opening up the marriage, or separating.

Original poster
londonartemis · 25/09/2009 14:58

The sexless marriage is my husband's choice, not mine. I have never turned him away.
I don't really think I do have the nerve to get in touch with the other man, but I was flattered by his attention. I was looking good and feeling good at the event we were at, and part of me feels that I would like more of that.
I hear what you say.

OP posts:
womblemeister · 25/09/2009 15:00

Yes I'll say YANBU because you are only human, but also YANBFTYOYH

you are not being fair to yourself or your husband, if you go ahead.

mayorquimby · 25/09/2009 15:00

unless you gate your husbsnd and have literally no respect for him don't do it. if you want to fuck other people divorce your husband and then go for it. but don't do it behind his back.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2009 15:33

Have you discussed the lack of sex with your husband, and how it makes you feel? Because you really do need to.

mmrsceptic · 25/09/2009 15:47

Slightly different approach -- it's not on to have an affair, but it's equally not on to expect your wife never to have sex with you again and be happy about it.

I agree with Malficience that you should tell him how you feel about this man and see what happens.

I disagree that ending a marriage is always without question better than having an affair. But I have no experience in this area so am ready to be wrong.

Original poster
londonartemis · 25/09/2009 15:54

I haven't talked about it with him. It got more and more sporadic (because of having four children close together, being tired and working long hours) but has been non existent for nearly five years now. I haven't brought up the subject, because I have not felt I would have had the strength to deal with him saying he doesn't fancy me (if that is the case.)
It is a bit of the elephant in the room now. I don't know what floodgates might open and if I have the energy to deal with it.
I am disappointed it has got to this, so I make a lot of effort with my children, general family life and my own interests and friends whilst suppressing that side of me. So, most of the time, I don't let it get me down, but when I met this man yesterday, I thought about what I was missing...

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 25/09/2009 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/09/2009 15:57

Tell your husband you want to fuck someone who finds you attractive.

Bet that gets the discussion going

See if he will agree to an open marriage?

diddl · 25/09/2009 15:58

I understand you have needs.

But I don´t think I would want sex with someone else rather than hubby.

And it would just be sex for the other bloke, more than likely.
And then if you started having feelings for him that´s when it all gets complicated, IMO.

I think you have to talk to your husband.

Persephoponce · 25/09/2009 15:59

In my humble opinion, with some wok on both sides you can get the sex back into a relationship that's dried up in that department...however, you cannot just manufacture a strong, loving partnership out of a drunken grope at a party.

Don't throw away what you've got.

SoupDragon · 25/09/2009 16:01

YABU.

Leave your H then seek a new partner. Not the other way round. Or, you could sort your marriage out of course. FFS you haven't even brought the subject of sex up with your H and you want to go and shag someone else instead!

herecomesthesun · 25/09/2009 16:02

Get someone to have the kids for a night, (or an hour if that's all you can get), get dressed up nice, make yourself feel really nice and go for a drink/meal/night away with your husband and make love to the man you married. If he doesn't feel like it then use the time and space to talk about why not at a time when you are both hopefully relaxed and without any other distractions. Maybe the spark just needs relighting.

ManicMother7777 · 25/09/2009 16:02

Your marriage is not sustainable in its current state IMO. If essentially you and your dh still love each other and other aspects of your rship are still good then you need to talk and work at the sex aspect.

If your lack of sex is a symptom of a deeper discontent then your married days could well be numbered.

YANBU to feel this way, but actually all this other man has done is boost your flagging self-esteem. YWBU to take it further because women don't cope with no-strings sex, even if they pretend they can. Betrayal of trust is one of the worst things a marriage can suffer and if you have a salvagable marriage now, you probably wouldn't once dh finds out about an affair.

missingtheaction · 25/09/2009 16:10

It's amazing how quickly five years can slip past when you have 4 small dcs close together.
I could probably have managed without sex for five years if I was that busy and knackered.

However, I assume the youngest is now at school and you are getting a bit of your life back. If you don't go after this particular bloke there will be another along soon, and the next thing you know you will be having an affair.

It may be that you and your dh will be ok with that. But it may be that you won't - you end up wanting a divorce to be with someone, he wants to divorce you because of your adultry, whatever.

Like all the other posters have said, you really need to sort this out with DH. It's not normal and it would be much better to know where you stand before you get swept off your feet. (Urgh, excuse mixed metaphors)

Stigaloid · 25/09/2009 16:10

RELATE

thehairybabysmum · 25/09/2009 16:36

As someone who previously had a long relationship where hte sex was virtually non-existent (and this was pre-children); i would say that it is mainly this unsaid issue that is draining you of energy, more than 4 dc! I have more energy now than i did then and i am 15 years older with 2 ds's of 2 and 3!! Its only when the situation is resolved that you realise this though.

Please for your own sake talk about it with him...Relate or leave. A strong partnership will not stay strong forever if one of you wants sex and the other doesnt IMO.

The attention obviously made you feel good...do you really want to live your life never feeling like that with a partner) again???