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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be considering an affair

72 replies

londonartemis · 25/09/2009 14:43

Am in a sexless marriage, but a strong partnership for our family. I have been faithful throughout.
Met someone yesterday who came on to me very strongly at a function we were at. I didn't know him, but we know someone in common and I know I could get track him down if I tried. I resisted his advances yesterday, but can't get him out of my head today.

OP posts:

BadgersPaws · 25/09/2009 16:49

Having an affair will hurt your husband, your families and your children.

Could you really choose to hurt them?

If you go ahead with this the day will come when your children will look at you with tears in their eyes as their world falls apart and ask you "why?"

Do you want to face that day and know that you deliberately brought it about?

Talk to your H and try to sort things out.

Or if things are unfixable get out of the marriage and then go and find the happiness and fulfilment that you do so rightly deserve.

If you do choose to end things then you'll have to wait a few months but then you'll have the life you want with the minimum of pain, tears, guilt and having to hide in the shadows.

Firawla · 25/09/2009 16:53

yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu
just sort your marriage out

Scorps · 25/09/2009 16:56

YABVU

Affairs, for sexual or emotional reasons, devastate people. It breaks your heart in two.

Also what a nice man for coming on to you, if he knew you were married.

Original poster

londonartemis · 25/09/2009 17:00

I accept completely the advice that the no sex marriage is the root of it all, and that needs to be tackled.

Over the years I have become more accepting of this situation. A while back, I was really resentful and thought about Relate, and also about telling him that if he didn't want sex, I would find it somewhere else, but of course I didn't. I bit my tongue and time passed.

BTW, the other man and I were both stone cold sober at this event yesterday, and Manic Mother - I think you are right that it is very hard to keep sex unemotional for long.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 25/09/2009 17:06

Why would the sort of man who makes very strong advances to a married woman he's never met before be a good choice of partner?

What makes you thinkyou have the energy for an affair when you don't have the energy to talk to your husband?

Come on - you know what you should do.

LuluMamaaaaarrrrr · 25/09/2009 17:06

odd that the easiest course of action to consider for you is the affair. with the potential it has to blow things apart and ruin lives

talk to your DH openly, honeslty and unreservedly

if you've not discussed , he might think you are perfectly happy

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU but would be even more so if you had done anything about it

talk to your DH

mmrsceptic · 25/09/2009 17:17

It's kinda passive aggressive behaviour on his part. I'm not surprised thoughts of an affair popped up. It's going to be up to you to drag this up by the bootstraps, a lot of hard work and not always nice. And it seems so easy for the bloke, just having a nice quiet life getting what he wants ie no sex. Why shouldn't you jolt him out of that?

mmrsceptic · 25/09/2009 17:18

I should say, I don't mean jolt him out of it with an affair, I mean talk to him about it and make him talk about it and deal with it.

AliGrylls · 25/09/2009 17:25

The question I think you would have to ask yourself is "could I keep this to myself forever if I went ahead with it?"

If you love your husband, would feel horribly guilty and would then feel compelled to tell him don't do it.

Also, if you do decide to go ahead with it don't expect that if you do decide to come clean that he will be able to understand. He probably won't.

If you can see it for what it is (ie, a fuck) then go ahead but then you can never tell anyone. Not even your best friend.

MorrisZapp · 25/09/2009 17:29

Nowt wrong with looking good at a function and having some flirtatious chat with a bloke - I'd say that's pretty harmless in itself.

I flirt all the time - it reminds me I'm alive. But I wouldn't actually sleep with anybody other then DP, as it would be the end of our relationship and I'd be devastated.

Do you actually fancy your DH? If he wanted sex, would you be happy just with him?

smallwhitecat · 25/09/2009 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 25/09/2009 18:08

DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT
WORLD OF PAIN

Original poster

londonartemis · 25/09/2009 20:00

I hesitated to post earlier today, but I am glad I did as the comments are very perceptive and are helping me think about a number of related things...

I think inwardly I was hoping to hear what AliG posted, because I think that is what I was wondering was possible when I started the thread....

But I see it's not as simple as that really. There is the lack of sex at home, and I am not sure that if my husband were to turn round and suggest sex tonight, that I would leap into his arms. I think I harbour too much resentment still. Or, maybe I don't fancy him, even if I love him?
And why do I think I believe that infidelity (kept quiet)is not the worst crime in a marriage?
Thank you for all your posts...I have enough food for thought here to take my mind off the man I met yesterday! I think that's probably all I'll say now on the matter.

OP posts:

Malificence · 25/09/2009 20:06

You will never know if you can turn things around with your husband unless you talk to him.
Give him the option of working with you to save your marriage before throwing away a perfectly good life together if all it takes is acknowledging you both have a problem.
You can get a good sex life going again, but both of you have to want to work at it, it does take effort.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 25/09/2009 20:07

You haven't told him how you feel. He may think you are ok with the situation. You owe it to him (and yourself) to discuss it and give him a chance to work with you.

I don't think you should go behind his back. imo deceit is worse than sleeping with someone else, but he is being totally unfair to you and it wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him that you have needs and if he is not prepared to meet them, then you should be free to go elsewhere.

And can I say hi to SGB when she arrives to tell you that monogomy is not the only option.

OrmIrian · 25/09/2009 20:13

"And why do I think I believe that infidelity (kept quiet)is not the worst crime in a marriage?"

Because you want to beleive that.

sayithowitis · 25/09/2009 20:21

If you both want to rekindle that side of your marriage, it can be done. We were in the same situation. Health, children and life generally, sort of got in the way of our sex life until suddenly one day I realised it had been 10 years! There was no question of me having an affair, because I loved my DH very much. I spoke to him.I explained how I needed to be wanted and desired and that I was not prepared to live as we had been doing. The thing is, he felt the same. He just didn't know how to approach me because he was frightened I would tell him I didn't love/fancy him anymore. We are not only back to 'normal', but I would say, even better than that. In the ten years 'drought', our children had grown up and though still at home, as (late) teenagers, were/are not around as much as young children are. It means we can also get away on our own for the odd night here and there. And I have to say that weekend mornings, when the kids are at their Saturday jobs, are just great!

So, yes, you can get this sorted, but, you both have to want to as it does entail some hard work. If on the other hand, your DH does not wish to get back on track, then I do believe you have the right to seek sex elsewhere. It is not reasonable for one person in a relationship to make a unilateral decision that because they do not want sex, the other person can't have it either.

Original poster

londonartemis · 25/09/2009 20:23

Because I think wife beating, meanness and moodiness do more to harm the day to day running of a marriage and family home, than infidelity kept quiet.

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OrmIrian · 25/09/2009 20:28

Infidelity kept quiet in a marriage that was never meant to accomodate it saps at it's foundations. How will you cope when your feelings for the OM become so strong that you don't want to be with your DH? WHen you don't ever really listen to what he says, when he touches you feel nothing but guilt, when you can't wait not to be with him? And if those things are already so why stay anyway?

Been there, done that. It took a long long time to get over it. And my 'affair' was very brief and pre-kids. Personally I wouldn't recommend it.

foxinsocks · 25/09/2009 20:29

I think resentment is such a horrible emotion to feel - it's so all-consuming. It eats away at all the loving and kind (and passionate) feelings you have for each other.

If I could say one thing, I would say try and develop further what you were saying in your last post. Start thinking about why you feel this way. I can understand the attractiveness of the situation you've painted because it's exciting and exhilirating and you think it will make you feel good. But it won't. You'll feel confused and guilty I would imagine and perhaps it will serve to be the spur to sort out what's wrong at home.

There are always crossroads in life. I think feeling like you are feeling is the smoke alarm going off. You don't quite need to run out the house screaming but you need to go and look what is wrong before deciding what action to do next.

Sit down, work out the way you feel and WHY you feel that way. And then decide what you want to do next.

Quattrocento · 25/09/2009 20:32

"Because I think wife beating, meanness and moodiness do more to harm the day to day running of a marriage and family home, than infidelity kept quiet."

How on earth can you describe that as a strong partnership for your family?

Think you need to sort the marriage out. Sounds sapping.

foxinsocks · 25/09/2009 20:36

(sorry meant post before you last one! hadn't seen that last one when I posted)

sounds like you are convincing yourself to do it tbh and if you've practically made your mind up, makes me wonder if you are just posting in advance of the guilt

HecatesTwopenceworth · 25/09/2009 20:38

infidelity kept quiet is cowardly and the kiss of death for a marriage. Sleeping with other people by agreement is a personal choice.

Original poster

londonartemis · 25/09/2009 20:47

No, honestly hadn't made up my mind before posting, and in fact am less likely to do it, than I was this morning. Wanted to see if it could ever really come down to a pure fuck. But as I've told from the posts, even that alone has strings attached.

OP posts:

Original poster

londonartemis · 25/09/2009 20:48

..as Ive BEEN told from posts...

OP posts:

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