to be considering an affair

[londonartemis]

Am in a sexless marriage, but a strong partnership for our family. I have been faithful throughout.
Met someone yesterday who came on to me very strongly at a function we were at. I didn't know him, but we know someone in common and I know I could get track him down if I tried. I resisted his advances yesterday, but can't get him out of my head today.

How do you go for 10 YEARS in a marriage without any sex?
My hubby and I thought we were in a rut when only having sex once or twice a month and that's after being married for almost 25 years.
The only time we went 6 months without sex was because he was away in the 1st Gulf war!
I take my hat off to the both of you for getting things going again, my husband thught for many years that I didn't really enjoy sex that much because I never initiated it, lack of communication is the main issue in problems within relationships, don't you think?
It leads to all sorts of misunderstandings and can easily breed resentment.

To the OP - is there no intimacy - kisses/cuddles/touching in your marriage at all? If one of you inadvertantly touches the other in bed, what happens?
I honestly think that being "wanted" is actually more important than the sex most of the time.

I've gone for 9. You'd be surprised, Mal.

Mal - peck on the cheek, hugs which I have to ask for and which he ends, very little snuggling up in bed which I would like. This husband of mine was at boarding school (oh, no, another can of worms here) and I think he turns inwards for comfort.

These posts are, by and large, very conservative.

I'm with Lauriefairycakes - I think you should consider an open marriage.

And I can see that if your dh is avoiding confronting the issue, it's going to be really hard to have that conversation, hence considering an affair.

This has gone way beyond the point where getting rid of the kids for a night is going to do any good.

I can see why you don't want to end your marriage - in many ways it functions. Why are posters here so either/or? There are lots of ways to conduct a relationship.

Agree that honesty is best - but, weirdly, some people don't like that. My suspicion is that your dh is one of those. It is, unfortunately, quite possible that what he wants is you to have sex elsewhere and just not bring it up. Be discreet. Some marriages actually function like that.

My other guess is that you, sadly, are not like that, and would prefer honesty.

Whatever - you have one life and you are letting your dh make you v. unhappy. Maybe everything else is good, but this is so major, you must take yourself and your happiness seriously.

Hiya
My advice would be to seek first to restart the sexual relationship in your marriage. I personally believe that if there's no sex at all for years, it's not a marriage. I would also recommend Relate, there are also therapists who specialise in sexual problems. You do need to talk to your DH. Perhaps he feels rejected too, but doesn't express it.
An affair will only lead to misery and pain all round for you, your husband, and your children. Honestly, you will all end up in hell. But meeting this man has clearly reawakened feelings that you thought perhaps were dormant. Your husband must understand that the situation is untenable for you. Good luck.

Thinking about it some more, I really think you should confront your husband. Have it out in the open. Whatever happens, it can't be worse than the current situation. BTW I don't think you're unreasonable to contemplate an affair, but it wouldn't be a good idea to do it as it wouldn't solve the problem, just add new problems to it.
It is, sadly, possible that the relationship is actually dead. But surely divorce is preferable to being trapped in a sexless, unhappy marriage.
And yes, there are open marriages and they function, but it's a bit sad really. We all want to be loved.

And, as another poster once said on another thread, I know quite a few people who are now in marriages that began as affairs.

It's human nature, we're cautious. You have no idea whether your unhappiness is valid - having an affair tests it out without creating carnage.

Yes, yes, ideally we are all painfully rational and, rather than having an affair, we sit down and discuss with dp the issue that we are not sure we are happy and want to test the issue with a practical experiment. And dp says "Of course, dear". But sadly we're not.

You sound really messed up by the situation in your marriage. I hope you find some way of resolving the issue.

Mal, it was surprisingly easy to go 10 years. Not in the sense that we didn't want it, but just because of various problems, including some health issues for both of us, that made it very difficult, not to say painful. However, once those were resolved, we had 'got out of the habit' and we had to make a conscious effort to get back in the habit. I think the main difference for us was that there was never any question of either of us falling out of love with the other, or of going elsewhere for sex. Neither one of us made a decision to withold sex from the other, it was just that our circumstances really did make it very difficult for quite a long time. We both got out of the habit and we both made a decision to work on getting it back. We have been married nearly 30 years and though we consider sex to be an important part of our marriage, there were (and are) other things that are equally as important. We have always been loving towards each other, there has never been any sort of DV, we have always enjoyed spending time together and we have always made a very good team as parents.

I just wanted to show the OP that if both partners were willing, things can get better and the spark can be rekindled.

Even though I have asked the question AIBU to consider an affair, I know I do not want my husband to find out, or for the marriage to end, because our children's family life is very stable and loving and I wouldn't want that to change. We are very supportive of each other in our work, our family, our financial circumstances, we share the same values and hopes in bringing up our children. We work hard at that. You are right Minority - it does function, but (and this is the BIG BUT,) there is a sexual void there and I am noticing that increasingly so, and resent it, and am frustrated by it.
I think it comes down to whether I think the sexual relationship with my husband can be salvaged, or whether I find someone else on the quiet,(and all the difficulties/impossibilities that that entails) or live a celebate life.
I have enough to be thinking about and working on for the time being and have genuinely appreciated the comments.

was it sexless by choice-thing here isnt some horny guy came on to you.point is have a malaise

what a conundrum...i really feel for you. i think i'd be tempted...not sure its a good idea though, if you actually want to stay with your husband, unless you think he;d understand and your marriage could survive, don't do it

YANBU to dream about someone making you feel the way you wish your husband would. I think if you could have sex on the side and could absolutely guarantee your husband wouldn't find out and it wouldn't harm your family life in any way then it might not be a bad thing, but you can never guarantee that.
You don't know how this man will feel, if he'll tell anyone, that his expectations will be the same as yours and if you go ahead will it move at the same pace for him as it does for you?
I hope you manage to sort things out and feel happier.

OrmIrian, I completely agree with what you are saying about infidelity, assuming that you have feelings for the OM.

However, some people are capable of separating love and sex. I know a couple of people who have had affairs who see them as that - affairs. They love their partners and would not do anything to hurt them directly. They are direct with the person they are having the affair with and let them know that they are not going to leave their family.

I know if LarryG had an affair I would not want to know about.

My father had countless affairs throughout his marriage to my mother - my mother always said that she would have stayed with him regardless. What eventually killed their relationship was not his affairs but the fact he kept on belittling her and telling her in a fit of anger that he did not want to be with her.

My great-great-grandfather kept a mistress in Paris as well as a wife in England. In fact the Parisian mistress was my great great grandmother! It was discretely accepted by everyone. That was the things were done in those says by people of a certain class. That is the old-fashioned conservative way. M marriage as the fulfillment of all someone's needs for life is the modern way. I personally think it is untenable for many people. But if that is what you sign up for, it is unfair to change the rules halfway through without consultation. The question is, how will the partner will react if/when he finds out - will he be devastated and bring the whole thing crashing down round your ears?

I agree with what you say in particular, that you have to know what you are signing up for before you enter a marriage.

You are also completely right about the modern concept of marriage. However, is it healthy for one person to fulfil all of one's emotional needs? I don't think I would expect my husband to satisfy all of my needs (I am not just talking about sex) - he would be forever dealing with my insecurities and telling me how wonderful I am. That is why I have friends - to take some of that strain off him. I think I am deviating a little here. But I hope I have made a bit of a point.

No Ali, it isn't always healthy. Which is why I said it's untenable for many. If you are prepared to accept an economic arrangments of mutual support, affection and friendship you'll do OK. But if you seek total physical and emotional fulfillment for 50/60 yrs then you may be disappointed.

It is time to talk about 'the elephant in the room' as others have said. Let your husband know that you are realistically contemplating an affair so that you can begin to feel 'sexual' again.

There is a huge void between the two of you what with his 'closing off' and your resentment. The middle ground is a place that may be equally difficult for you both to reach. It will require surrender and faith. Put your trust in this man whom you love and encourage him to put his trust in you. Do it slowly, like a courtship and in the end it will feel like you are having an affair with your own husband.

I wish you luck .

I'm with MinorityOpinion. If the rest of life is good, if the children benefit from having 2 parents who are not warring, even, dare I say it, if the OP and husband are aware of the financial losses incurred if the marriage was disolved, why end it? I'm also not sure that it can be "fixed" by a spot of counselling or even a lot of discussion either.

A couple I know have been married for over 25 years. They seem to have everything - a daughter just off to Uni, a lovely middle-class social life, a large house and no mortgage. He earns a high salary, she does not work but runs a perfect home for the 3 of them.

In this case its she who isn't interested in sex and hasn't been for many years. He has had a handful of short-term affairs and the current one has been going on for 8 years. Ad she knows... it has never been spoken of, nothing so vulgar in their household, but there is a tacit agreement that whilst he pays for the holidays in Florida and is a charming, educated and intellegent man on her arm at school and social functions, she will not question who he sleeps with.

I'm not advocating this for the OP, but I am saying that its mot impossible to have the best of both worlds.

" Ad she knows... it has never been spoken of, nothing so vulgar in their household, but there is a tacit agreement "

Well there's the rub. She knows. And there is agreement. Therein lies the difference.

Valhalla, You may be correct, it may not be fixable, But it might be. And surely it is worth a try? It won't be easy and it does rely on both parties having a genuine desire to get their relationship back on track. But I know, that if the will is there, it can happen. It did for us, and I know there are other MNers who have similar stories to me. Like your friends we have been married over 25 years,nearly 30 in fact, so but there is no way that either of us wanted to be in the situation they are in. I suppose it depends on why the sex life has dwindles. it wasn't lack of interest for us.

Whilst I agree that no one person has the right to dictate the terms of the sex life ( or lack of one), within a relationship, i do think that going outside the marriage should be a last resort, after all avenues have been tried and exhausted, not a first one. And in your friend's case, it is being done with her agreement, so I would not class it as an 'affair' the same as one which is conducted in secret.