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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit sad after my scan today.

402 replies

sally78 · 25/09/2009 13:20

We have a lovely DS but he is very hard work.

This pregnancy has been so so so different and DH had his heart set on a girl........we are having another boy.

We are so lucky to be having a healthy baby and I am sure DH will get over it. The thing is everyone keeps saying "oh I bet you would love a girl, oh it must be you have been so ill, your so much rounder this time" etc etc etc.

I do feel a bit sad, I keep thinking about ballet classes and doing hair for school etc and a little like I'm missing out

Its terrible to feel like this I know I am BU.

OP posts:
Bigpants1 · 27/09/2009 22:00

havent read whole thread, but i have 6dc-3 of each.my dd2 is v.emotional and flouncy, but also quite a tomboy-no ribbons for her! When i was expecting my last dc i, to my shame, cried when i found out i was having another girl. My ds3 had been so calm and loving, and i couldnt imagine that with another girl. However, dd3 is adorable, different in nature to dd2, and i cant imagine being without her.
It is really true, that you will love your new ds equally as your first, and not think about a dd. Every dc is different in nature, and ds2 will not be same as ds1-plus it is true-you will be more relaxed this time round and know what to expect.
As for girls being daughters for always-not so. I have difficult relationship with my mum, as do my sisters-our dbs get on much better with her. I do get on with my MIL however.I dont think gender comes into it-more the relationship you nuture with your dc.
Lastly, have to admit to watching Jeremy Kyle, (i know, i know), and he is always talking about his mum, and how much he loves her-and he phones her every day.Not sure if that gives you comfort or not!! lol.

Kayzr · 27/09/2009 22:02

My boys are anything but boring. They are gorgeous, funny and clever little things that I adore. They might only be 2.6yo and 9mo but I wouldn't change them for all the tea in China.

Jude I hope that if you ever have more children that you only have girls. I would feel so sorry for your son.

jellybeans · 27/09/2009 22:03

How did you find that out jude did you ask your DH if he too found his boys conversations boring? I wonder if you could e abit jealous of his first DC? (and want to prove your DC are better?)
If your DH did say that, chances are he also could criticise your DDs too as I am sure they are not perfect after all!

scottishmummy · 27/09/2009 22:11

congratulations on pg.you are idealising a gender sterotype

not all wee girls do ballet and like mummy footering with their hair

what matters is a loved happy baby a new addition to the family

lockets · 27/09/2009 22:14

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traceybath · 27/09/2009 22:14

Sally - do ignore Jude - she's talking stereotypical rubbish and being particularly insensitive.

Also re. the MIL stuff - don't forget all the stereotypical jokes that men have made for years re. their mil's.

And that stupid saying about daughters being for life is just not true. Its about the relationship you have with your children irrespective of their sex.

I'm very close to my mum but still it was my in-laws who stayed when i had my youngest two children because it practically made more sense.

And my 5 year old DS discusses his feelings, advises me on clothes and always tells me I'm pretty.

Jude68 · 27/09/2009 22:18

Jellybesns, I think the conversation about their chat being boring came about one day when they were both talking at me in the car about some PC game and I couldn't work out out what the hell they were going on about.
DH says "that's just little boys. They're not interested in talking about their feelings like women are."
Fair commnet. No, I am not jealous of them at all. They will be and are assets to my daughters lives and I get to have "part-time" sons with out the effort of giving birth to them and dealing with them 24/7.

lockets · 27/09/2009 22:19

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Jude68 · 27/09/2009 22:23

And why am I being insensitive? The OP surely wants honest answers from people. I have two daughters..I am sure many people on here will think "I'm glad I've just got sons." Fair dues. I'm not going to feel inferior or get offended cos they prefer boys.

Jude68 · 27/09/2009 22:26

All I know is that I felt like jumping for joy when I found out at my 23 wk scan that my DD1 was going to be a big sister to a little sister. Why is that so wrong? I would have been happy with a darling little son too but this is what I would have chosen and for me I got lucky.

MarshaBrady · 27/09/2009 22:26

Well obviously you won't feel offended if others prefer boys, since you don't sound particularly enamoured to even your own dss'.

But the op does feel a bit sad about not having a girl yet, so why make her feel worse?

traceybath · 27/09/2009 22:28

Your being insensitive because the OP said she felt sad she wouldn't now have a daughter and you've posted that boys are boring and girls are better or words to that effect.

Do you not see how thats a little insensitive?

As Lockets said of course you're entitled to your opinion and this is AIBU.

lockets · 27/09/2009 22:31

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kalo12 · 27/09/2009 22:35

its natural to feel that when you were expecting a girl, but that is only fleeting, and all children are different and two boys could be chalk and cheese. i wanted a girl but had a lovely ds. this morning he was skipping about with no clothes on except for my high heels and asking for a bra from the laundry basket, he's 18 months.

boys are sooo cuddly

Jude68 · 27/09/2009 22:39

Ok, I do not think girls are better but for me they are the preferred sex.
The OP is justified in feeling the way she does. I would have felt the same in her situation.
I am not a smug mother of girls. It feels right for me but might well be less than desirable for other women. I can see that. Nothing to brag about.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 27/09/2009 22:44

Our 3D scan at 26 weeks told us we were having another boy.... I was thrilled, though a little sad about not having a daughter...

Imagine our surprise when DD was born!

I'm obviously thrilled, but there was a part of me that mourned the little boy I'd bonded with during my pregnancy....

I think two boys would be fabulous... in fact any child is fabulous, when they're yours...

Oh, and we got a refund from the scan place.....

Catherrs · 27/09/2009 22:45

I have just had my second boy. DH wanted a girl (DS1 is a very very easy child but I think DH has always found the company of females easier!). I had a pang about not having a daughter as I don't plan any more children.

When DS2 was born 5 weeks early he was extremely ill and we had a very tough time. Believe me, at that point you feel terrible for ever having those feelings, and 'just having a healthy baby' really does become the most important thing in the world. Thankfully he's well now and I can think of them playing together in the future - my two beautiful little boys together.

Don't worry - you'll fall in love with him! Congratulations = and wishing you a very happy pregnancy and birth.

mumof2teenboys · 28/09/2009 08:25

I have got two sons, now aged 19 and 17. When I was expecting no1, I was totally convinced that he was a boy, didn't look at girls clothes, consider girls names, nothing. Luckily, I was right! (only lucky in that the baby had only blue etc and James is a crap girls name!)

With no2, I didn't have a clue about the sex, had a very different kind of pregnancy, everyone kept saying 'ohh, must be a girl this time' I didn't actually want a girl, I quite liked the idea of 2 boys close together (agewise)

My boys are so different, the eldest is stroppy, hormonal and I swear he has PMT. I find him incredibly hard work, he won't discuss his feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams or fears.

The youngest is very 'in touch' with his feelings, he will come clothes-shopping with me, will watch girly films with me. He tells me that he loves me everyday, asks me if I need anything. Notices when I am miserable and gives me a cuddle. He also plays rugby, is one of the most 'macho' kind of boys I know.

I think that what I am trying to say is that all children are themselves, it isn't anything to do with their sex, girls can be into rough and tumble, football and cars. Boys can be into ballet, soppy stuff and pink.

You should always love them for the people they are, not put things down to them being boys or girls.

Jude68 · 28/09/2009 13:15

I guess children do not always conform to sterotypes but there is no getting away from the fact you can't dress baby boys/toddlers in cute girly outfits.
I was delighted to be able to check out the girls stuff in Baby Gap/Mothercare etc notr once but twice and would have been sad to have to choose from the boring boy stuff.
It is a fleeting pleasure though as already my nearly 3 yr old insists on dressing herself so she is no longer my "baby doll."

Kayzr · 28/09/2009 13:34

Boys clothes are great!! A wide range of colours and styles. Unlike pink, pink, pink, maybe some yellow and more pink.

FleeBee · 28/09/2009 13:41

My SIL had 3 boys and was desperate for a girl, and her 4th DC was a girl, my other friend had 4 girls before her DS was born in April. Don't know if you plan to go for 5 children?!!

As an aside, my dad forever tells me how I was a disappointment, he wanted a boy. He was going to name me Simon and had even decorated the nursery with cars and trains. We joke about it now, but I remember growing up feeling really sad that I hadn't been the boy he'd always wanted so I did become quite tomboyish and shared his interests and we are very close now.

People always say to me that same sex siblings get on really well, so your DS1 will have a little buddy soon and best wishes for your pregnancy and a gorgeous little boy.

Deemented · 28/09/2009 13:45

A friend of mine had three boys already and decided to try one last time for a girl.

She's currently pregnant.

With triplets.

All boys.

Jude68 · 28/09/2009 14:07

Triplet boys...my God!! That's the risk you take I suppose. You shouldn't be having kids at all though if you can only be happy about having one sex. For the record I know I'd have been happy to have had sons had that been the way things turned out. It just so happens that I am very happy to have had two girls instead.

jellybeans · 28/09/2009 15:04

I have just as much fun with buying boys clothes, I have never found them boring. My girls didn't really wear frilly dresses and pink though anyway. I prefer jeans and nice tops!

What is sad is that there are whole websites dedicated to people dissapointed with having all girls/boys. I know it is hard for me to understand (having had 2 stillbirths and 2 m/c) and I do have boys and girls BUT I did have 3 girls first and didn't give a hoot about the gender. (And I really believe if I had boys, I would have seen them as great too and not been that desperate for a girl!)

I know alot of people who would do anything for just a baby at all never mind a specific gender!

I always say positive things to people with all girls/boys as people are so negative to them and assume women want girls and men want boys, most people just want a healthy baby!

Jude68 · 28/09/2009 18:58

My SIL was desperate for a girl as was my best friend...she gave birth to her 2nd son in June and was in floods of disappointed tears for days.
Just because some people can't have any kids doesn't mean it's wrong of others to mourn the loss of the chance to have a (delete as applicable) a son/daughter.

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