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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit sad after my scan today.

402 replies

sally78 · 25/09/2009 13:20

We have a lovely DS but he is very hard work.

This pregnancy has been so so so different and DH had his heart set on a girl........we are having another boy.

We are so lucky to be having a healthy baby and I am sure DH will get over it. The thing is everyone keeps saying "oh I bet you would love a girl, oh it must be you have been so ill, your so much rounder this time" etc etc etc.

I do feel a bit sad, I keep thinking about ballet classes and doing hair for school etc and a little like I'm missing out

Its terrible to feel like this I know I am BU.

OP posts:
Morloth · 29/09/2009 17:29

Sally78 I am sure in a couple of years (assuming MN still around etc) you will be posting on a similar thread to a person who has similar feelings that you have now, telling them how excellent your boys are.

I am enjoying hearing about nice teenage boys on this thread. There are few creatures more wonderful than a polite and respect teenage boy, I just adore them.

Also I know it isn't very PC and it isn't the case for everyone, but in my house I am treated pretty specially by DH and DS, because I am different from them.

Jude may be helping in an unexpected way, you might get all protective about your sweet little boy and people feeling that way about him!

AtheneNoctua · 29/09/2009 17:40

I also accept that (some) little/big girls can be sulky, moody, spiteful, bitchy, less affectionate and cuddly than little boys and I STILL prefer girls.

Gosh, now there's a sales line if ever I heard one.

Jude68 · 29/09/2009 17:55

The point I was making to the posters who reckon my kids are on pedestals is that I am under no illusions that little girls are perfect, pretty, well-behaved little creatures and boys are smelly little monsters.
My DD1 is a very demanding, stroppy little madam.
I just prefer girls...no Princess fantasies here.
Of course it's easier to use the "you must be jealous" line when you have no other intelligent point to make.

ReneRusso · 29/09/2009 18:14

Can't believe this thread turned stroppy . Can't we appreciate the delights of both little girls and boys? Sally78, I am in sort of the opposite position to you, I have two girls and would love #3 to be a boy. Your disappointment is perfectly natural, but I'm sure your boys will be a great joy to you.

jellybeans · 29/09/2009 18:19

' I STILL prefer girls.'

I could have said that too before I had my own boys. Otherwise it is just a guess.

p.s. i have a book about coping with teenagers and there is a whole chapter on 11-14 girls and a page on boys that age!!

jellybeans · 29/09/2009 18:21

Very sad for the posters who lost babies, does put it into perspective. I too lost 2 DC, both stillborn and then things like gender can become trivial.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/09/2009 18:25

I have 2 boys, and they are very different to each other.

They are both emotionally expressive, and I don't allow them to spend so much time on computers that that is all they can talk about.

I'd like to think that there is more to being a rounded human being than wearing dresses.

Eve4Walle · 29/09/2009 18:47

YABU.

Be grateful for whatever you get.

lockets · 29/09/2009 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jude68 · 29/09/2009 19:11

Yes Jellybeans, I think teenage girls probably are more "difficult." Doesn't alter my opinion that I'm glad I've got daughters.
And for the record to whoever mentioned it, my step DC's do not spend all day on the computer with us. What they do at their mother's house is out of our control.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/09/2009 19:19

Jude It's very obvious from your posts that you don't have much time for these boys mother. Perhaps it has affected your opinion of them.

Maybe it is unrealistic to think you would feel the same about for them as you do your daughters (I don't know, I'm not a stepparent), but I think your posts say more about that than about whether boys or girls are preferable.

tethersend · 29/09/2009 19:26

I knew knew knew my first dc was a boy. I felt it in every bone in my body. I had always dreamed of having a boy.

When they told me at my scan it was a girl, I was inconsolable; I feel really ashamed of this now. I am glad I found out as it gave me time to come to terms with issues I hadn't even realised were there... By the time dd was born, I had faced up to them.

Of course, I didn't realise that I was not having 'a girl', but that my baby was her own person; no-one could have told me that at the time.

I spoke to the hospital's ante-natal counsellor about it, and interestingly, she said that most people she saw experiencing gender disappointment were couples who have had infertility and/or IVF for years and finally conceive that much-longed-for baby. After years of holding onto a dream of a baby, often a girl, they were devastated when they conceived twin boys, especially feeling that this may be the only pregnancy they have.

The disappointment is irrational, and so many people would dearly love a baby but cannot conceive, it is compounded by a sense of guilt- but it is still disappointment, and needs to be acknowledged.

Please don't give yourself a hard time, OP; I think you should give yourself credit for acknowledging your feelings and dealing with them.

slowreadingprogress · 29/09/2009 19:43

I've said before on a thread like this that I think this marked preference alot of people show for girls is due to our society seeming to be becoming more and more presriptive about the genders. I won't bang on again with what I've said before but basically if we all treat our children as true individuals and don't put conventions round all our behaviour (eg the mother of the bride is more 'special' than the mother of the groom, only the bride's father makes a speech about how he feels about his daughter's wedding - the groom's parents just don't...still, boys don't get encouraged to be vulnerable...boys clothes have to be dull and drab...) then we would be able to feel we would enjoy any child who came along.

DS is a fascinating little person first to me, he is my child, the love of my life, he is utterly beautiful and lights up my days. Then he's a boy, after all that. I try to remain utterly open minded about him and not imagine certain outcomes to his life - I try not to 'need' anything from him. If I want to chat, I chat with whoever, if I want shopping, I go shopping with a friend who enjoys it. I'm waffling but what I mean is I don't expect anything of him other than what he is and like to think I would be the same with a girl - they're people first.

NotanOtter · 29/09/2009 19:43

why do boys 'smell'

bizarre

NotanOtter · 29/09/2009 19:44

boys - lots of em

Jude68 · 29/09/2009 19:55

I thought sons were coverted in society over girls. Interesting that people who have overcome infertility are more likely to suffer gender disappointment.

NotanOtter · 29/09/2009 19:58

sub fertile couples are more likely to produce sons

girls are the chosen sex in our culture jude

slowreadingprogress · 29/09/2009 20:01

Historically boys were of more 'value' weren't they but that was mainly because girls were a financial burden, a drain, which you couldn't get rid of without a wodge of cash going with them

Independence of women/industrial society has got rid of that

And yes it's all around us, very obvious that girls are preferred; you only have to read this site to see that. Also boys are demonised more in the media; hoodies, yobs, etc. Basically a mixed up, under-parented boy is going to be more of an obvious problem to society in terms of behaviour.

Theochris · 29/09/2009 20:15

Good posts Slowreading. They are who they are first, their gender is an afterthought.

I have always thought the fixation many women have with girls is clothing and shopping related.

(btw I know that this is not always the case)

Lizzylou · 29/09/2009 20:23

Excellent posts Slowreading

My two boys could not be more different personalities (even though physically they are very similar, both utterly gorgeous) they are very seperate identities. Up until he went to school, DS1 favoured pink and had a penchant for Angelina Ballerina, now it is all football and Ben 10.

They are beautiful children and I am blessed to be their Mother, Bree's post rammed that home.

Anyone got a lantern for Jude BTW? She is very deep down in that hole she's dug

Jude68 · 29/09/2009 20:25

What hole? I stand by every comment.

lovechoc · 29/09/2009 20:26

sorry, not necessarily so. In China, boys are preferred. We were on holiday in Europe last year and we met a group of Chinese women in their 20s, and they went mad over our DS. Really nuts about him. Ofcourse to have a son is of greater importance then to have a daughter. Women are seen to be worthless over there. very very sad attitude.

lockets · 29/09/2009 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jude68 · 29/09/2009 20:28

There are more men in prison, nearly all paedophiles are men, men commit more murders and violent crimes....guess they can't all have been sensitive little tutu wearing little boys.

Lizzylou · 29/09/2009 20:28

Jude, you are so tactless, I am sure you do believe every word.
But this is thread by a woman who has just found out that she isn't having a girl, but a second boy.
So you rubbing it in and gleefully stating how lucky you are is at best tactless and dim.
Not even taking into consideration any earlier comments about smell/boring conversations etc etc