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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to thinks if a school has issue with my parenting skills, that they contact me first?

282 replies

mixformax · 25/09/2009 12:09

I recently made the (long-mulled-over) decision to leave DD (13) and DS (12) alone at home overnight with close supervision by friend and neighbours. Both children are sensible, trustworthy and used to being left for a few hours at a time.

One of DS's teachers learned of this and, without making ANY attempt to contact me, or any of the other emergency contact numbers (4 in total) called in social services which resulted in a plain clothes DC turning up on doorstep and questioning DD.

Also DS and DD attend different schools - DS's school had the cheek to email the other school and alert them of the "problem". Thankfully this school seems to be a bit more in touch with the pupils and actually listened to DD when she told them that she was perfectly happy with the arrangements.

But WHY couldn't DS's school even attempt to listen to him properly before jumping to (very wrong) conclusions of neglect?

OP posts:
echofalls · 25/09/2009 13:01

But your op didn't say they hadn't stayed overnight alone.

Sorry but I do think it is wrong to leave them overnight in the house alone (I know you didn't in the end but that was the plan) so we will agree to differ.

Do you think your friend took them in in the end because she thought it was wrong too?

clop · 25/09/2009 13:01

yaNbu

mollythetortoise · 25/09/2009 13:04

this sounds even stranger now!

why did the neighbour take them for a sleepover at the last minute? The obvious reason is she asked the children whilst giving them supper and they said yes as when it came to the crunch they didn't want to spend the night alone.
and why didn't you mention this in OP, it's a fairly crucial bit of info i would ahve thought!

Who told ds's teacher? If only you, the children and a couple of neighbours knew this was going on, presumably your ds told her and why did he do that? I am guessing it was prompted by him to tell her as she wouldn't routinely ask her class "so who stayed home alone last night then?"

I dunno, it all sounds very peculiar.

And I am not sure your "fire watch" was a good plan, unless your neighbour was planning to watch out her window all night, which I doubt, how on earth would she know if a fire had started in your house or not.
Houses can go up in less than 10 mins, by the time she had heard any noise the house would be alight, she'd have looked out of window, got dressed, ran into street, rung fire brigade, the whole house would be ablaze.

anyway, I'd be apologising to everyone for my stupidity and wasting everyone's time and promising not to do it again if it was me!

Boobalina · 25/09/2009 13:06

If you had neighbours on 'duty' looking after them why did you not think to ask one of them to stay over also. 12 and 13 is too young - what if there was a burgulary, what if there was a fire, what if one of them became very ill in the night etc. I realise these are extremes however, you should have got an adult to stay with them or farmed them out to friend for a sleep over?

Why did you have to leave them? Many people have asked and you havent answered?

megapixels · 25/09/2009 13:10

YABU. I am frankly shocked that you think it is even remotely ok to do this. Doesn't matter that they weren't overnight alone, you intended to leave them alone so I think the school were absolutely in the right to report it.

diddl · 25/09/2009 13:10

If it was an OK thing to do, would the authorities have bothered to get involved, I wonder?

Original poster
mixformax · 25/09/2009 13:11

OP was not about whether you all thought IABU to leave children alone! I was looking for opinions on the schools handling of the issue but then I accept that threads can deviate. (Makes for interesting/inflammatory reading!)

My friend took them in because the WDC had expressed a preference that the children had an adult with them and it was easier to absorb my children into her household. Friend and I had discussed the whole issue before decision was made and she is NOT one to hold back on telling me if she thinks I am wrong

OP posts:
Casserole · 25/09/2009 13:11

There's no way your neighbour could have gotten to them in time if there was a fire unless he/she stayed up all night looking out the window.

And your other neighbour clearly didn't feel comfortable with it either; as she kept offering the sleepover.

I think the school acted exactly in line with THEIR duty of care to your children.

Good night out, was it?

elliott · 25/09/2009 13:13

I thought there were guidelines about leaving children alone? 14 rings a bell in my mind?
I understand why you are annoyed but also can see that it was not inappropriate to alert SS.

diddl · 25/09/2009 13:13

Of course YABU.

The school had concerns about your childrens welfare/safety and dealt with them.

What good would talking to you have done when you had already decided it was OK to leave your children & were planning to go ahead with it?

katiestar · 25/09/2009 13:16

I don't think the school have any choice but to inform SS in cases like this.Thet will have a policy and a procedure they have to follow,

Boobalina · 25/09/2009 13:17

MixforMAx - will answer us as to where you went?

And yes YABVVVVU - your school did there job in providing care and welfare for your children - you should be pleased they have cared for your children instead of angry and defensive. I think you already know you are in the wrong...

echofalls · 25/09/2009 13:20

ok then

school - YANBU
OP - YABU

BitOfFun · 25/09/2009 13:20

I don't see a massive issue leaving, say, a fourteen year old alone overnight, maybe younger at a pinch. Not regularly though. I'm surprised the school assumed this case translated to "at risk". But I seem to be in a minority.

Fluffypoms · 25/09/2009 13:20

so the police had called whilst you were away for the night?

clumsymum · 25/09/2009 13:20

I'm normally on the side of "kids should be encouraged to be independent, walk home/be allowed to stay at home alone for an hour/go out alone" on these sort of threads, but even I think that 12 & 13 is a bit young to be left overnight on their own.

I'm pretty sure it didn't happen in my family until my sis was about 17 (me 13).

No, I think the plan was a bit scary, and if I'd have been your neighbour, I would have taken them in too (or stayed with them).

elliott · 25/09/2009 13:21

I've just looked up the nspcc guidance and it states that a child under the age of 16 should not be left at home overnight. I'm fairly at that tbh. It also states that a 16 yr old shouldn't be left for a week - but they can get married at that age!!

I must admit I do feel that we are losing the plot a bit on allowing teenagers to learn gradually increasing independence - seems like they have to take on an awful lot between 16 and 18!

Personally I think that most 14-15 yr olds should be capable of being left overnight. 12/13 is on the young side, but I am sure many are capable at that age if given the chance.

BitOfFun · 25/09/2009 13:21

Oh, UTGSN

Boobalina · 25/09/2009 13:23

Whats UTGSN?

MillyR · 25/09/2009 13:25

I don't know. I think you need to see a policy from school, SS and the police. What did the police say? Did they give you any advice?

I think it is a bit irrelevant asking AIBU. You need to ask SS, surely?

MovingOutOfBlighty · 25/09/2009 13:27

You sound like a very reasonable person from your answering posts. So I can see why you feel shocked as you clearly thought this through. I would chalk this one up to you knowing your children well and thinking they are capable of this and the fears of everyone else not tallying.

RumourOfAHurricane · 25/09/2009 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 25/09/2009 13:33

UTGSN is a new MN acronym I am lobbying for. I feel it will come into its own on AIBU in particular...I am going to start using it randomly today and see if anyone can guess

Snorbs · 25/09/2009 13:34

I think the school did exactly the right thing in the circumstances. If there'd been a completely unrelated issue over DCs behaviour at school then I'm sure the school would have approached you first.

However, when it comes to care and safety of a child at the child's home then standard procedure is to call in the appropriate authorities - Social Services - and let them handle it. The school's primary concern is over the children's lives at school; if there's an issue outside of school then it's not the school's job to try to fix it.

SS likely got the police involved as leaving a child unattended in a risky situation is potentially a criminal offence under the Children & Young Persons Act. Even if the Crown Prosecution Service decides there is no criminal case to answer SS may still want to talk to you about your parenting choices.

It seems to me that the child welfare professionals here did exactly what they are supposed to do. The question mark is over whether your choices were appropriate or not - the fact that your children ended up staying with a neighbour does not negate the fact that you were planning on leaving them alone.

Was it a life-or-death reason that you were not there overnight? That might make SS more sympathetic.

GivePeasAChance · 25/09/2009 13:36

Don't know what UTGSN means but I'm with BoF.

Not great, but not necessarily "at risk".

What happened with SS? What did they say?