Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

No, he has two brothers - twins. A late arrival, unplnned, much younger and not even particularly liked by MIL as far as I can see! All focus on DH as the handsome, rugby playing golden boy.

Yes MIL and DH arrange DD's (shock of) hair before people come round. MIL actually licked her fingers and stuck it up in the air. You don't style a NBs hair - it makes me want to cry. She is a baby for goodness sake - she doesn't have to have sticky up hair for people to enjoy her! (When she was born, her hair was really on end and stuck in the air - they all thought it was cute, and now have to emulate this!)

giveloveachance - I think this is the same man! Yes, he announced the birth (after MIL) and no mention of me, nor did he even put me on the thank yous. Crazy.

It sounds as if she´s trying to replicate her son´s life for your daughter.

That´s almost sad in some ways, but also a controlling I know best & everyone should do it my way attitude, IMO.

So does he lap up being the favourite and is frightened of losing that position by displeasing Mummy?

Sorry to put it like that, but if that´s the case, he should be ashamed.

I'm not sure he's like that with him Mum as such. He definitely likes looking the good guy - not just in MIL's eyes but in everyone's - BUT mine. So he people pleases.

With MIL it's almost as though he's doing it because he's jealous of what my Mother has both with me and DD. It's like he's stampling his foot,not because he believes his Mum is right, but just because he can. I can't really explain.

It´s almost sounding as if he cares more about the relationship between his Mum & your daughter than she does.

As if he´s trying to force something that isn´t there.

I agree with diddl, are you 100% that everything is coming from his mother, or is this something he is actively encouraging to make a point?

Either way, both of them are utterly unreasonable, and you're dealing with it brilliantly under the circumstances, I would have had a massive tantrum and gone to stay with my Mum by now!

Wow, what a horrible situation. I really hope you can sort things out - you need someone on your side.

Why have you kicked him out? Surely if his MIL is a malign influence in his life living with her would make it worse? If you love him I'd be more inclined to have him at home with lots of couple time and limit his contact with her for a bit. All (parents and baby) go away together for a few days or something or just don't answer the phone/door for a few days.

Agree with 2rebecca - unless you feel divorce is your preferred outcome you really should try to get dh out of MILs house. How will you ever get your problems resolved by having short and fraught 'contact sessions'? Especially as he then goes back to debrief with the main source of the nightmare. If you really dont want him back yet, couldnt he stay with a friend or one of his brothers?

What do his brothers think about all this? Could they help him open his eyes before it's all too late?

btw - my dh has a fairness obsession too. Fortunately this does seem to have calmed down abit lately, although FIL has told me that MIL should be allowed to 'have her turn' and always used to ask whenever we saw them how many 'goes' my family had had!! FIL has no relationship at all with ds though I think he would like one on his own terms. eg MIL told him to sit on the floor with ds when he was 1ish but FIL refused saying 'he has to come to me'. What a weirdo - almost as though he has no recollection of his own sons at that age. Last time we visited he held ds a few inches from his face and started snorting like a pig at him. ds looked confused at first and then started crying and spent rest of day running away from FIL if he got too close. If he could stop being so in love with himself FIL might have a little of the fun that my dad does. ds absolutely loves my dad. Sorry AJ - but that vent felt good!

AJ123, I'm going on a bit of a tangent here and feel free to tell me to b*gger off - you mentioned your MIL comparing you unfavourably with your DH's ex - how did they come to split up? I was just wondering if MIL had driven her away perhaps. If that were the case, could it help you point out to DH the toxic effect his mother has had on his life?

Hi AJ was just having a read through the thread, it sounds like things have gone from bad to worse so sorry you are going through this when it should be a very happy time, if you do decide to sit down and talk to the outlaws will you be able to take our mum for some moral support? I really cant believe your DH is behaving like this with the thank you cards etc and saying you have PND thats why you are BU????? Its like they are just cutting you out, cant you stay with your mum for a few days have some time with her and see some of your friends? I really feel for you.

How are things this week AJ?

Any developments?

oh god I haven't even read all the posts but GET OUT GET OUT! He is absolutely insane if he thinks his behaviour is reasonable. Even if he were to suddenly have an epiphany and come round to all the madness he's helped to create how can you ever forget what he's put you through in the first few weeks of LO's life. I feel so bitter and disappointed on your behalf just reading this.
I have my own MIL problems but THANK GOD my DH sticks by me. It does sound as if every little decision to do with LO is going to be made into a battle by him and his mum. I hope you're doing ok today hun. Remain strong, your instincts are as strong now as they'll ever be. Big hugs.x

Hope all is going a bit better.

Even if things are not moving along/taking a turn for the worse, could you take DH up on the offer of 'talking about it' but insist on doing so with an impartial third party e.g. somewhere like Relate? Maybe weekly sessions for a bit?

DH would have to behave like an adult there and having to explain the situation to a stranger might make him realise how warped it all is. Plus MIL would have less input and control.

There is a lot of sympathy for you out there and many of us posters have experienced similar MIL problems. The trouble is a warped DH/MIL relationship builds up over many years and it can take a long time for a DH to break away and be 'deprogrammed' from MIL's brainwashing.

Has anyone seen AJ around the threads? Was wondering how this week had been?
You out there AJ?

Ugh i could have wrote your OP.Ihad this last year after dd was born also.

Mil never liked me from the get go, but we tolorated each other.

When i got pregnant all hell broke loose.

Wasnt happy we were having a girl "boys are better" Telling me what she thought we should name DD, basically being a pain in the arse but i could handle it

DD was born and there was mil in the waiting room when i had asked dh to tell her not to come to the hospital,ripped dd from my arms and began to coo to her that out of both grandmas she was the first to see her.
While visitng me in hospital over the next couple of days she put me down in fromt of visiting friends,saying how could my mother possibly say i was right in the many arguments over the years

Over the next couple of months mil was a bitch to me,(long story,id be here hours typing it all out) dh never stuck up for me, you see mil had cancer and thought it was a licence to say whatever she pleased, in the end i was so stressed out i went to my mothers house for nearly 2 months (my mum lives 2 hours away) with no guarantee i would return, Mil moved into our house dh begged me to return everyday until mil moved back out and i was convinced things would be different so i came back, as soon as i came back mil came upto our house stormed into dd bedroom while i was bf her and demanded we sort this out. i waited until dd was asleep and came downstairs,mil was waiting and said "you have changed since THAT baby,you were nicer before) to which i replyed "maybe stupider" all hell broke loose she ran into the living room "oh she said this..." fil went balistick and asked dh why he was with me.........no reply from dh...back to square one. I then had mil upstauirs begging me not to leave dh then running downstairs and begging dh to leave me i left him again.

I only came back when dh realised he didnt want to be without us and started to stick up for me. I didnt speak to mil ever again and i certainly didnt let her see dd.

She died 6 months later....

Sorry for the novel, but that isnt even half of it.

I would go to your mothers house and have no contact with dh, let him think about what he will lose if this isnt sorted and he doesnt stick up for you.You deserve so much better and so does your dd. You have just had a baby THIS is the time of your lives that yur dh needs to stand up and be a man,and put you and you dd first.

I think you need to tell your DH to grow a pair and stand up to crazy woman or he will be a weekend dad as you will be off.

He has two families now. One of the Past and one of the Future. His mum, dad, brothers etc are the family of the Past and until he had made his family of the Future, they were his priority.

Having made a family of the Future, he needs to transfer his main priority and loyalty to that family and that Future with them. Or he will lose them.

This is something everyone has to do; I think many men find it hard to adjust their priorities, especially those who are henpecked and afraid of their mothers. It is terribly sad.

Hi everyone - sorry I haven't been on the thread..

I've given up on DH and I. He came home (but is away again, working). Nothing changed despite many claims that he would. The first occasion I asked him to watch DD for a couple of hours, he started asking to take her over to MILs house, that he was sad for her not to have seen her for a few weeks etc etc.

Whose fault is that??!! I couldn't believe my ears. He started shouting, calling me crazy and a 'nutbag'. That it was a sick situation I was creating.
I tried to calmly explain again that I HAD NOT stopped MIL from seeing DD. I had said that she could come to our house, with DH here, and on my terms i.e. not run out of the house with her!!! Also that he was doing nothing to convince me that we are his priority as given the first opportunity he wants to run to MIL.

I'm sick to death of it. MIL is now away on holiday for 2 weeks and of course it is going to be my fault that DD will have changed so much when she does see her. DH will of course agree and blames me. Her consistent blaming of me to the rest of his family and her friends has not stopped, I am of course the DIL from hell.

DH cannot see that he could try with us, support me, try and be happy - OK so MIL won't be, but she'd adjust with time. Or he can leave, go back to MIL not see his DD as much and MIL will have even less access to DD. MIL won't be happy either way, so we may as well have the chance to be surely?!

However, with all of this, I have given up. He wants to sit down with his mum when she is back, says he wants to show me how he has changed - but if he can't keep his mouth shut on the second day back, there is no hope. He's merely paying lip service.

Now the thought of sitting down with her is getting to me, because I'm starting to think that DH is not worth it. That is the only reason I'd make an effort with that woman. But I can't see us lasting. It makes me so sad for DD and I. Of course this is not how I imagined my life to be - but I think that in trying, I may be merely putting of the inevitable.

Having a LO together has only shown our weaknesses as a couple. The things we disagree on - fundamental things - such as RESPECT being the foundation of a relationship!! Also, that sex obviously formed a large part of a relationship, and having that taken away for the weeks before and after our daughter was born has shown that may have been pretty much all we had

The thing is, it's now ME who doesn't respect HIM. And how can you love someone you don't respect anymore.

Oh gosh, that it all so .

If you really are weak as a couple, then it won´t work.

I still don't understand why he wants to involve his mother in every aspect of your lives? Why does he need her to be there to show you how he's changed? The fact that he wants her there shows that he's not changed.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, AJ. It's totally sh*t for want of a better word.

Keep calm when talking to your DH. Maintain your stance - and it's a very rational stance as your MIL sounds really really difficult. As does your DH. You don't have to sit down with your MIL because she needs to keep her snout out! She sounds extremely arrogant.

Should you and your H split however, he will have access (I'm assuming) to your dd which he will no doubt spend with his mother.

How about spending these two weeks together whilst MIL is away?

He works away with work quite a lot, so it's difficult. He works long hours, is really tired when he gets home etc.

I guess because he is away so much lately, it's a solace being alone with DD and not having the stress or arguments!! it's like a little piece of heaven. I should be missing him!

I almost think the damage has been done. If I think back over the course of our relationship, I cannot think of one occasion when he has stood up for me - (and he has had several opportunities - all with people related or associated to him - and honestly, I did not cause the trouble or was in the wrong). EVERYONE elses's happiness is placed above mine. After his ex's mother (and good friend of MILs) insinuated that LO may not be his (when I was pregnant), I put the phone down on her (Please don't ask! They also interfered in our relationship from the starts, that phone call was after a call to him from his ex, stating she knew he didn't want the baby)- he had the audacity to APOLOGISE for my behaviour to his ex's mother. It makes me shake with anger now - I tried to bury all of the past, but not we've had a LO, and he still can't man up, what is the point?

I honestly think that I deserve better. I'm not even sure he loves me.