Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

Yes I think you are right on all counts.

I'm not an emotionally weak person (and having a little baby won't help)but this has really knocked me for six. I've tried to show DH this. He doesn't understand that part, and is leaving me alone thankfully!I've become a neurotic paranoid wreck - only because I don't have his support I suppose.

The sad thing is, I'm looking forward to my weekend with DD alone again, because it was so peaceful last time. MIL is always in my head because DH is always bringing it up!

Do I have to get him to accept that she is doing these things intentionally?

That she didn't read out the text 'because she's daft' and she didn't 'think it'd be OK' to leave the house with my DD and she didn't 'get confused about Scotland'.... I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. In my mind, until he sees that it is malice towards me he can't really be on my side?! Am I wrong, and not concentrating on the important things? But how can he stand up to MIL if he's always going to tell me that she didn't mean it?

I would insist on Mum being there. Now you've put it in perspective, it is slightly ridiculous to have the conversation with MIL until DH and I have sorted it out. It's knowing how.

You all have wonderful advice - can't thank you enough.

Sorry, but it´s no good while he´s still making excuses for her.
She doesn´t intentionally treat you disrespectfully!!

How does that work then-has she no control over her words/actions?

mother in laws really ticky...

I read DH out some posts in one phone conversation - but he simply says that other women 'would say that'.

I think he thinks it's a man/mil bashing site.

So I didn't bother telling him where to look, so I could continue posting in peace. No doubt MIL would join if she showed him, and give me some abuse on here too!

Maybe I will just email it to him in a doc.
He should see it.
It will at least make him think.

That's it! And I said that once would be forgivable - you learn from your mistakes. But she repeatedly does it!

If only he was as soppy with me! Unfortunately he's more than capable of putting me in my place

yeah, he's not on your side

he's just trying to get round you

don't buy it

i am actually slightly revolted by him, sorry

No need to be sorry mmrsceptic. I am amazed that he has treated me like this. At any time in our lives would be bad enough, but when we've just had a baby?

I told him that I didn't want him to text MIL when I went into labour because I was terrified of her turning up and making it stressful, given how many times she asked to be in on the birth!

Mid contractions at home, and just about to go to hospital, DH actually had the gall to shout at me because he asked AGAIN to text her and I wouldn't let him (he kept saying he wanted her to feel involved) Un - bloody - believable!

Why the fück would a grown man want his mother at the birth?

Im not sure you will ever be his priority I think its going to take a lot to show him what his mother is like. An awful lot. He definitely has not seen the light, and is just trying to win you round just now.

OMG.
Only read the first few posts but YANBU.
Gah!
And taking her off at 3 weeks , DD is 7 months and still never out of my sight. I would have gone mad.
You have my deepest sympathies.

Hi Aj

how do you stop being so bitter? i really am not the right person to answer that, lol!!
nut nut (a name given to her by dh!!) is coming on sat and already my hackles are up.

mil really hurt me when my gran died, and she still cannot see how or why i should be upset. she's apologised but i know she only did that to make herself look good. i can never forgive her. i could write an essay on her and i know i should let it all go, but i can't.

as for you, i know how you feel about trusting dp, but he does need to realise that ok, she is his mum, but now he has you and dd, his mum is not that important and that dd comes 1st. basically, tell him that a father would not let anyone treat his dd that way, would protect his family and do anything and everything to make them hapy. tell him that he is not a real father and until he steps up to the mark, he can go f*ck himself!!
i know it sounds harsh but i had to do it. i made my dh, realise that our boys needed him more than anything else and he had to protect them
you need your mil to show her true colours and that will make him wake up to her. it will still take some time for him to fully come round but he will
now.................how to get her to show them colours. maybe a sit down and chat would do it. but you need to keep calm, cry when needed and be the nicest person you can be! and if all else fails.................slap the bitch!!!

xxxx

OK.

The idea that you and he sit down and talk is a good one, and a step forward. It is feck all to do with her,she MUST not be present, you are talking about her, and the way she is fvcking up your life, his life (because she is destroying any chance he has for a normal relationship- he is a laughing stock, and not just on here, but I'd like to bet his mates (if mammy allows him to have any..) call him exactly the same names we are all calling him,)and her own life, and the chances she would like to have to establish a relationship with her grand-daughter, because while she continues to act like a fvcking psycho, you are not going to let your daughter anywhere near her.

What he MUST do is support you in front of her. If he doesn't, pack his pants and send him back to her. He'll soon realise how pathetic that makes him look....that ultimately he chose his mummy over his daughter. Saddo. Because right now, by having gone, and by refusing to recognise she's a psycho, that's what he's done. How is he going to explain that to his daughter when she's older? Or how is it going to make him look when you explain it to her?

I had the same. I walked out of MIL's house for the last time when my daughter was 5 weeks old and I've never been back, nor will I. Dp did support me, he has a relationship with his mother, but I am not part of it. We are all reconciled to that now. It can be done, that you can still be together and he can still see her. But he has to put you and your child first. I knew we would be OK when I heard him on the phone telling his mother that dd and I were his family now. End of. The other DILs (who had all been through the same crap but continued to put up with it, maybe because they are all Italian like her and surrounded by their own families for support, so had someone nearby to vent with, unlike me, a furriner in a furrin land- I had to put a stop to it, or I would have gone beserk with the knife drawer.) have all said to me that if only they had acted like me when it had all kicked off with them, maybe she would have learned earlier that she cannot fvck with people like this. Dp is the youngest though and I was the only one to say enough. She sees dd once a month, twice a month, goes without seeing her for months at a time. Her loss. Even his 2 sisters came to see me to go through piece by piece the lies that had been told to me by her about various family business as they were seriously thinking of sending her to some shrink.

You can do this.

Make him read these posts. We're not the psychos here. His Mother is. And he is her facilitator. (tell him to look it up.)

So he´s still at his Mum´s?

And he feels that defending his Mum is worth missing his daughter for?

OK, then! [sceptical]

Yes he's still at MIL's. He asked to come back last night. I said No. I'm not moving an inch on this, I've already had to compromise enough.

I am going to write notes of all of this.. it is so true that he has already chosen to miss a week of this precious time with DD. If excusing MIL's unexcusable behaviour until he is blue in the face is what he'd rather do, he is not worth it, and DD could also do better. .

I think a week would be enough for most men. No now is not time for decision making, but it's time to spend with DD uninterrupted by this family fully worthy of a Jeremy Vile show all to themselves!

Bucharest: how are family Christmases etc for you? This is one worry of mine, that every family gathering is going to be just horrible!

Mumsentmad: I have tried being the reasonable one - it doesn't seem to resonate with DH. It's not me I need to worry about getting violent - it's MIL. I already said to DH that if we sat down with her, I would ask her why she twisted the conversation about Scotland, to imply I would be leaving DH - his reply was 'you can't say that, you'll start a punch up!' - Oh my god. Is that really something so unreasonable to say? I feel so deeply sorry that DD is related to this woman.

AJ, I think it's a mistake to think you can even reason with this woman. She sounds very manipulative.

You don't have to fight for respect from her. Either you get it or you don't. If you don't get it from her, then you don't see her and neither does your dd. Simple.You and dd come as a package right now.

If you think your marriage is worth saving - and I hope it is - you need to focus on talking to your dh only. Bucharest's words are wise - your mil is not part of your marriage and never should be. That's your personal relationship with your h.

When you've established what it is exactly you and h think is acceptable and supportive behaviour from each other and towards your baby dd (I'm still amazed that you have to cope with this so soon after giving birth), and things have been running smoothly, then you can start to think about interacting with people like your mil.

I think you've been amazingly strong throughout all this and your dd is a lucky girl to have such a resolute and reasonable mum.

Christmas we spend in the UK. Part of the deal between us right from the go-get....If I have to live in this godforsaken hole for 9 mths of the year then I spend 10 weeks in the Uk during the summer (when I work) and 3 weeks at Christmas. It has caused minor ructions, but he appreciates my reasoning- I told him that when we live in the UK for 9mths of the year (in my dreams) then I'll be quite willing to spend Christmas over here. Tbh, the distance that would be between us were we to relocate, might even mean I'd "forgive" (in name only) and even go round hers for the turkey (but he doesn't need to know that) His family whinge about it, but even they have to see my reasoning- I am an only child and my mother is a widow, he is one of 6 so what's one more or less round the table? His parents have never bought dd a present for birthday or Christmas incidentally...again, little things, but idc, when she's old enough to understand, she's going to ask why she has never had anything from them....

Other family events, dp takes dd to them and I have a lovely day at home, lying on the sofa, watching English dvds and mainlining nutella.....

He knows, (and they must know, although it's never been mentioned) that the first time my daughter returns home to say "Nonna says....." and then slags me off, will be the last time they ever see her. (I have no doubt that sooner or later it will happen.....) (almost looking forward to it in a revenge-shall-be-mine kind of way)

I feel so much stronger now...but I can still remember how I felt when dd was a newborn and I was getting the same kind of shite you are.....I felt vulnerable, very alone, and scared that they would take her away, there were so many of them.....(I remember when I was pg a BIL- who I'd met for the first time that day, was working out how old dd would be the following August when the whole family goes to the sea together, and I was in a quiet panic thinking, but I'm always in the UK in August, what the hell am I going to do if these people make me stay here?)

I didn't have MN then, or I probably wouldn't have kept this woman in my head for as long as I allowed her to be.....

hi been off line for a few days, just catching up with this thread and am amazed at the similiarities with my situation.

my dp also believes his mum has more rights over our DD as its there first and only grandchild and my mum has loads!!! I said so, you think that my mum wont care about dd as she has too many already - this is not a toy we are talking about! he often refers to me not letting MIL have a turn at holding DD's hand and other such activities. I hate changing nappies over there as I always have to stop MIL from coming to watch!!!! They tried to take photos once!!!

They see every visit as a photo opportunity and it drives me crazy. My DD wont have any privacy if I don't stand my ground. They treat her like some prize pet not a child and laugh at everything she does, even falling over - had sharp words about this one. They talk negatively about me when I am there and DP agrees with them!!!! MIL wants to know everything about DD and then tells all her friends - people I don;t know. She asks my friends when she bumps into them what have I been doing, when did they see me last etc etc etc.....

I too have told them and DP that we are the parents and they need to back off. But now, they collude even worse and back up each others lies - caught them out in it several times.

Not trying to high jack this thread AJ, but trying to let you see how not handling it and putting a stop to it early enough, two years later it is just as bad and getting worse.

So even though your baby is little you are right to make your stand now. I wish I had.

Planning on leaving area and DP btw can't take it any longer, he will never see that his family is me and DD. He is and will always be a mummy's boy. I could just about cope with their treatment of me, but DD gets sidelined as soon as something new comes along and when we are over there, its ten minutes talking to DD (like she is a idiot) and photo ops then chatting to DP as if he is still their PFB - he laps it up and MIl runs around him pandering to his vanity. Just wish I had seen it earlier.

AJ sounds like you are a very stong and capable women who knows her mind. Stick to your guns for your sake and your LO.s

The sad thing is AJ123, you love your hubby, his mum loves him, you all love your daughter.

So how does it all go so wrong?

I think you need to try to put the past away, so to speak, and just ask you hubby one thing.

In future, if his mum wants to do something you disagree with regarding your daughter, is he OK with you saying no & will he back you up?

WW - Thanks - don't feel that strong at times, but would probably have had a nervous breakdown if not for DD!

Bucharest - I know that mild panic feeling well - especially when I am not on my own territory, The one and only time we went round to ILs with DD she leaves the house with her - the panic's not unfounded! I'm so sorry you don't live near your Mum for support.

giveloveachance - They sound like twin brothers! It's horrible being passed over for someone else all the time - someone who isn't even bordering in human isn't it! And when LOs are involved it makes it unbearable.

diddl - putting it behing us is obviously what I want to do - but the problem is, DH is only OK with me saying no to MIL if he AGREES with what I'm saying no to. I will never win. The arguments about schools (he wants village - and surprise surprise, MIL wants village - the one she lives in!!) - She wants Christening, DH wants christening etc. He can't see that he only wants what his Mum wants because it's the path of least resistance.

We are poles apart. I'm beginning to question why we are together at all!!

On the Christening point - I'm dead against it - not in general, but for us. Neither is religious, I'm not Christened, I'd feel hypocritical - it's just my personal feelings. If DH was passionate about it, I would consider it, however, his reasoning was 'it's just what other people do' NOT GOOD ENOUGH! He's so pathetic. (Can you feel the anger this morning)

I tried to meet him halfway, saying that he could organise a naming day if he like, something to celebrate DD coming into the world. I don't really like them either, but I'll compromise. Something he can't do.

actually, he already had a naming day of his own, wetting the head with not just the men (tradition) but EVERYONE we know, women and all. And didn't invite me. Not that I would have gone, DD to little - but I just thought it was hilarious that he was out and people just kept asking where I was - think he looked a bit silly organising a pat on the back session for himself. Hey ho.

I thought that might be the case.

He has to back you, and he has to trust you not to say no to MIL for the sake of it.

He needs to know it´s because you have your daughters best interests at heart.

It´s early to be thinking of school, but I don´t necessarily see anything wrong with a village school if it is a good one & it is convenient for you.

diddl - i absolutely have nothing against village schools - not at all. My siblings and I went to them. It's merely the railroading before DD was even born! At a family gathering MIL announced (after asking AGAIN if she could be in at the birth) that LO absolutely had to go to the village school DH went to (in her village) or it wouldn't be right. We had to put our names down as soon as LO was born.

NO!!! We don't. Except DH agreed. Nothing to do with Ofsted reports, convenience, even his memories of the school, merely MIL.

Bloody hell. What am I contending with!

He´s an only child isn´t he?

AJ123 - I had to agree with the christening in his Mother's church - we have only been there twice, but go to my church every week - DP insisted his church or no christening, citing that he was a true believer etc etc and how important his church is to him - he has only been there once this year!!!! I kidded myself that i could live with this 'compromise' but I deeply regret it and am being to resent it.

Him mum is pressing him and me re pre-schools - i refuse to be drawn on the subject, and schools, she has her own ideas and he will go along with it.

I want DD to live her own life, not one planned out by MIl and DP ( who goes along with it for a quiet life too, and has had her in tears on the phone, saying why doesn't DIL like me!!!!????!!!!!! he says he replies he doesn't know!

A village school is nice - but one in walking distance of MIL with unresolved issues, isnt. she will want to take dd there etc and be involved more than a grandparent should.

good grandparents offer and give help when it is asked for and needed, they are pleased for any contact with their grandchildren and are delighted to take a back seat to let their sons/daughters have all the joy and experience of parenting.

My DP and his parents believe the children needs should not come first, but your partners. Seems that children and grandchildren in their world are their to entertain you and make you look good if they are pretty. Clever doesn't come in to it as they have no ambition.

Yes, DP could be twins - he also had a wet the babies head, not all men, I was not invited and stayed home with DD. He enjoyed all the attention. He also sent out all the birth announcements - by email, got heaps of replies - from my friends but has to this day STILL not shown them to me!!!!