Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

Even if nothing else, he should stand up for me as the mother of his child. I'm getting so angry and upset even thinking about it now!! What the hell is wrong with that man?!

For Gods sake woman, walk away, take your child and walk away you will have to deal with this your whole life he is weak and never gong to change.
For the sake of your sanity and your child walk away and find someone to value, love and respect you, not this arsewipe and his mad mother

Your MIL has huge problems. Tell DH that.

Oh AJ- I was hoping that things had got a bit better for you, but seemingly not...

You certainly do not have to sit down with your MIL around the conference table. What do they this is, the bloody United Nations? This is your child, not hers. She has behaved, and will undoubtedly continue to do so, like a 3 yr old spoilt brat, and your husband, as I said many pages ago, along with everyone else in her sad little life, are her facilitators.

Tbh, if you want your relationship with your dh to survive, then I think the only course of action open to you is to let him take dd to his mother's house for a few hours a week, you do not have to go. (and personally I wouldn't.) Maybe with time, you can think about whether you want a relationshop with this nutter, but right now, you should concentrate on the well-being of your child and yourself.

If you don't see any future with your dh because of this woman, then get out now. Maybe it will be the kick up the arse he so desperately needs...when you decide for him as he seems so incapable of deciding for himself (or at least, when the issue arises he chooses Mummy. What a man huh?)

I had the whole "bet this child isn't even my son's" thing as well. My MIL went to the school where I was teaching and told the headmistress that...(and that I was a drug-addled prostitute as well....)

Stay strong. x

Well, I´m beginning to think that you might be better off without him.

But TBH, the thought of him and his mother alone with your daughter terrifies me.

That said,I also wouldn´t be surprised, if you do split, to find that MIL has very little interest in your daughter.

I am really sorry for you aj I really hoped things had improved can you try to put some distance between you and them but I personally could not love a man I have no respect for. I really hope things get easier for you soon.

AJ, I'm really sorry to hear that things are still awful - was hoping that they would have improved.

From everything you've said here, it sounds like your husband has no respect for you and doesn't WANT to stand up for you - the thing with his ex's mother is disgusting, if that had happened to me and my DH hadn't leapt to my defense then I would have been livid and devastated in pretty much equal amounts.

Although I wouldn't rush into anything, you need to think about, if he doesn't change, is he going to be the same with your DD? Even if he's not, how will you feel with her constantly absorbing the message that her mum's feelings don't matter compared to everyone else and mum is always in the wrong?

Update:

MIL is now depressed. She has been placed on anti depressants by her doctor. She bursts into tears every time her GDaughter is mentioned to her. She is unhappy that her life as a grandmother has not turned out the way she wanted it to. This is, naturally, my fault.

Does she think this is the way I bloody expected my life as a first time mum to be either!?!!

she is coming round on Saturday. Wish me luck. DH useless as ever. Really think in my bones that this is the beginning of the end. I wouldn't have any question about leaving him if it weren't for DD - if I think about it, then things have been wrong for a while (we've only been together 2 years)... I just feel so so guilty about taking his daughter away from him and him only being able to see her weekends.

Aaarrrgghh!

I'm so angry. I married a sap, who doesn't give a crap about me. I think I started this thread a much more reasonable person than I am feeling today.

Don´t feel guilty.

You know you haven´t caused her depression.

Possible upside-she´s obviously not well enough for you to leave baby with.[evil grin]

((((HUGS))))

AJ, your MIL is a narcissist. You CANNOT change her behaviour. She will manipulate, lie and decieve to support her own belief that she is very important and special. DO NOT BACK DOWN. Stay strong for yourself and your DD.

Your FIL is in the caring role. He will back her 99% of the time because he knows how fragile her self-esteem is. After all, he married her. Shot in the dark: bet he has his own stress related or mental health problems.

Your DH is the 'golden child' and can do no wrong. You are the horrendous woman (in her eyes)who has taken him away from her. Please remember DH has been conditioned to respond to MIL all his life. He probably doesn't even see how toxic MIL is.

His brothers are the 'scapegoats'. Have a word with them in private. They see MIL very differently from DH. I'm pleased they have each other.

Also remember, her friends only know the lies that MIL tells them. They have no idea of your plight.

For you, the most important person in your family is DD. SHE is what you should concentrate on. If it's not good for DD, stand your ground.

As for your relationaship with DH, something has to give. You really need to go to counselling with DH (or should I say DH needs to go to counselling) to try and get him to realise how conditioned he is and to stop doing his mothers bidding. YOU and DD are his priority. He needs to support you. If he cannot/will not, I'm afraid my only advice is that you need to leave. I really hope that doesn't happen, but you need DHs support.

Remember, if lies and manipulation don't work she will try the illness route. Do NOT be decieved. She is to be pitied as the wretch she is.

Best of luck.

Just to add...

why don't you send another set of thank you notes to people, with a little message to say something like "it seems I was missed off the thank you card I made, oops! So would like to say thank you for your present/support for DD, and DH & I would like to pop round with DD sometime convenient if that's ok"

That would make people think and piss MIL off big time!

Don't you dare take any blame for your mil being anti depressants either. She obviously thinks the whole world revolves around her and what she wants/needs.

I'm surprised you're sticking around with your dh. He sounds like a hopeless case to me, tbh.

being ON anti d's, I meant to say of course.

I´m starting to think that your husband is as "at fault" as his mother.

This whole thing of making sure his mum sees baby as much as OPs mum.

I mean WTF?

It´s like young children squabbling over one had one more biscuit than the other.

I just find it really odd that a man would think in those therms of "fairness" towards his mum.

All I can say is I am really sorry that things have worked out this way and also to call your MIL an evil egotistical cow self centered and oblivious to the hurt and pain she causes those around her including her own son, just remember you are 100 times the mother she has ever been.

Oh no, honestly I don't blame myself - I wouldn't have done anything any differently!

I just feel really drained now. I know I can spare the melodrama, and it probably makes me as bad as her, but I cannot go on like this. I sit with DH in the evenings, not wanting my own family to drop in, in case a mood follows because my family are allowed to do what they like according to him! His brothers aren't interseted (fair enough), and his mother has chosen not to come on my terms. End of.

Except it's not is it, and I'm sick to death of the whole situation. Everyone is right on here, DD is my priority, and believe me, I do spend lots of lovely time with her, not thinking about DH or MIL. But it's making me feel pretty ill, just because I've got enough on my plate without all the agro. I'm astounded that the 'MIL all about me' show just continues.

On the plus side, DD is now sleeping from 10pm - 8am every night! That's my girl!

diddl - I did actually say that to DH last night - may have been stirring it, but I couldn't help myself!

If she genuinely is depressed over this, and genuinely bursting into tears then she still isn't stable enough to be around DD alone - I mean come on, I haven't stopped her seeing DD, she is just so frustrated she cannot have it all her own way. Crazy crazy woman.

Hi AJ.....been thinking about you this past couple of weeks.

Do NOT let yourself be manipulated and blamed by this sad, pathetic little woman and her sycophantic family. This is such typical toxic MIL behaviour it almost made me chuckle reading your latest post.....(mine gets hospitalised at the drop of a hat when things aren't going her way, has spent 3 of the past 4 New Year's Eve's in hospital, coincidentally because we are in the UK well away from her, and presumably her other children, having spent all Christmas with her, are having a bit of freedom...well, until the call comes saying she's been taken in again.)

How are you feeling towards dp? Is he back home, or still with mummy?

Good news about the little one sleeping though!

Way to go DD!!

What do your family think of all this? Are they being supportive?

Bucharest - I can see it now!! Roll on Christmas time then...

He's at home at the moment - but keeps threatening to go back if I bring up the situation!

I feel indifference towards him now - which is somehow worse. I just look at him and have no respect. He truly has (along with toxic MIL) made a very great attempt and ruining this special time - I'll only have it once, and I'm astounded. He keeps telling me that i need to wait to see him change, but I can hear in his words that he hasn't, and I resent him. I'm not sure I want to give him, or his mother, any more of my time. It's too precious. That said, the thought of leaving is pretty damn hard too. He's the father on my 10 week old baby. Am I being too flip. They've even made me question myself, I find myself questioning if I have been over the top etc.

My family are just great. Don't try to influence me one way or the other of course they are angry that I've been made to feel like this and want me to be happy. They adore DD and help out when they can. I couldn't ask for more.

Is your DH good to you other than when discussing/ being with MIL?

He's certainly not got his priorities right when vile toxic harpie MIL is around, but is he ok in how he treats you other than this?

I'm asking because if he is then I do believe your marriage is worth fighting for.

Completely get why you resent him btw!

You're not being flip - you're faced with an incredibly hard decision.

Haven't I read on other threads about toxic in-laws who immediately become ill when thwarted? But they're really not, it's just the next ploy they use to get their own way (how can you treat an invalid so, blah blah blah ...). So I wouldn't even take her being on anti-depressants seriously, tbh.

Sorry to hear that your H is still crap, AJ. But, having re-read all the postings you made on this thread before, I cannot shake the impression that the three of them do not view you as an adult family member, but as a handmaiden/slave kept for the sole purpose of providing a child for the glory of said family.

Don't let them say any of this is your fault, her being on ADs is so not your fault, she is clearly a loon and has been ever before you had your DD