Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

Good Luck AJ!

I've been lurking on the thread and agree with the others, the woman is a complete loon.

I thought my MIL was bad but I think yours should get some kind of award for her efforts

You should think up a name to tell MIL your Mum wants to be called..."Extra Special,Super Dooper, Nanny Ninkynonk" or similar .

Oh and my DS1 christened his grandparents himself - after their pets! So we have Granny Sasha and Granny Bill&Ben .

Hope everything is going well, AJ, with Nana-Bonkers-Nutjob-Looby-Nonk or whatever her name is....

Be sure to get the special name loudly wrong, every time, as well...I'm going to break one of my cardinal rules now, and wear one of those Hallowe'en Hats all afternoon....just for Nana-Nappy-Noodles

Well as a total anti-climax it wasnt actually as bad as it could have been.

I took the advice, and was polite. Didn't actually try to make any meaningful conversation, just polite small talk. They both refused to sit down, as did DH in the end, so I sat down in our living room on the couch. Gave DD to DH so he could pass to parents etc. MIL kept giving sad longing looks at DD, said she wasn't the same girl she saw a few weeks ago etc etc. The sad looks and noises were hilarious considering they were then followed by raucous crude stories of her holiday interjected with a lot of swearing - Nice! Especially with a baby around.

The camera came out for the photoshoot of course. She can take what photos she likes, as long as they don't get posted on the internet I suppose!

DD cried being held by MIL, and wouldn't settle (I honestly didn't train her to do that!) She said 'Are you sad because it's been so long since you've seen your Spec Nanna Lainey Loo' - I did have to hold back the laughter there! In the end I took DD and she settled right away - just wanted a nap really, so passed her back when I'd got her to sleep.

They've just come back from holiday - nothing for DD. Now I absolutely don't care (I'm aware that it may sound spoilt), and I don't think they should buy her something all the time. However, she spent 9 months telling me what she was going to buy/had bought, and the first 4 weeks bringing round things - but now I've realised that unless DD is at her house, or going to be in her company on her own, she prob won't be showered with presents as it's not the way MIL wants it. I also thought I might have sensed some of her interest waning - not a bad thing all round!

They left, FIL said they'll be back...

All in all a success. I maintained the moral highground. MIL did best downtrodden G'ma impression when looking at/holding DD, but was her same self the rest of the time (very damn depressed)

And I notice that she didn't step forward to apologise for walking out of the house with DD. There's a surprise!!

Sorry it couldn't have been more eventful! I almost felt like goading her into saying something embarrassing to report back to you all

Oh thank goodness it didn't turn into a nightmare, I was worried for you! But what on earth is with the not sitting down?

AJ, just caught up with the MIL's special name. We all know she's bonkers but you have her in your family, so here's a tip on how to manage her behaviour.

She needs to feel special and important. Doesn't deserve it, but this is her all important need. So if you want to calm the situation down and "handle" her, this is what you need to do. There are a number of ways to do this:

eg "Looney MIL would you like to feed DD cos its v important she knows who her granny is" (barf I know but she'll lap it up)
eg if she critises you "thanks Looney MIL for pointing that out I'll have a think about it". (as in I'll ignore that)
eg think of an "important" job for her to do beforehand. For my DS1's birthday I gave my DM the role of camcorder/photo woman on the day to stop her interferring with everything else.

Of course this takes a little planning and adapting to. Please don't think I'm suggesting you give in to her, far from it, simply that her behaviour is predictable (ie memememememe) and can be managed if you want to try.

Just seen your post. So glad it was ok!

AJ123

Have only just seen this and you have my sympathies.

Your MIL most likely has a untreated and undiagnosed personality disorder (she seems narcissistic in nature); I do not say such things lightly at all but all her behaviours to date would indicate such a thing. This is really about power and control.

My guess as well is that her own parents treated her like this so this is what she has grown up with. As you have seen such problems can and do become generational in nature.

People who come from emotionally unhealthy dysfunctional families play out roles. My guess as well is that your FIL is the "bystander" who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Many such men do fall into this role. He has never actively tried to rein in her behaviour at all but has let her get away with too much for too long also.

You should read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so and your H (who needs to grow a pair and stand up to her despite having a lifetime of her conditioning) needs to read "Toxic Parents" written by the same author. It will hit him particularly hard when the scales do fall from his eyes; I sincerely hope it will not take his marriage to fail to realise what his Mum is actually doing to you both, not least your child.

My further counsel would be minimal contact and firm boundaries. These toxic people never apologise or ever take any responsibility for their actions.

I would also say that such toxic parents can easily become toxic grandparents as well.

What does your H think of his parents now?.

H never sees his parents are intentionally being overbearing, wanting to control etc. All behviour is excused by their being 'daft' or just not thinking.

Forgot to add that whilst holding DD MIL and FIL would rather look at pics of her in things they got her, or ones 'without the rash' - poor DD currently has some milk spots! I just think it's crazy to spend the one time you have seen your grandchild for a considerable time looking at pictures of her rather cooing at the real thing! crazy really.

Glad it went relatively OK, and that Loopy Naa Naa wasn't too badly behaved...

V true what Meerkat says- my MIL tried to justify telling me I couldn't go back to the UK by saying that when she married FIL his parents told her she could visit her family only at Easter and Christmas....it's all like the abused becoming the abusers Still, it's not your fault, and it mustn't become your problem....

Sounds like you are feeling much more in control and stronger now- which is brilliant.....(when dp announced this week his mother might make a surprised visit to the play centre where dd's birthday was held I told him she could do what she effing well liked, but it would be her getting the surprise of her life, as I am not the person I was when I walked out of her house almost 6 yrs ago)

Do let us know what if anything dh has had to say about Noony-Nee-Nar

Well, you got through it, well down!

And although an "anti climax", better than lots of snide remarks, of course!

Yup, of course baby´s crying because she missed her loony nana!

Has your husband said anything?

Soon everyone will be fed up with the long looks & sighs and realise that it´s actually loopy lainey loo who makes the visits a misery-especially her granddaughter!

That´s well done, of course.

I couldn't understand the not sitting down myself, but it was them who looked and felt uncomfortable, not me.

DH and I have avoided the situation. I took your advice and didn't have a run down of events afterwards. He seemed just relieved that they had been to see her, it was like a weight off his shoulders (I really wanted to point out that it was MIL's stubborness and not me who had stopped them from coming over, but bit my tongue)

Where do DH and I go from here? I'm not sure. I can see that MIL won't last long like this - she may manage one or two more visits before she is demanding DH take DD over there on his own. Maybe in a few months I won't mind, and it may be a relief not to have to see her. But it doesn't mean that she's going to respect my wishes as her mother and this worries me.

I am inclined just to let things roll along with DH. But I know that just round the corner, when MIL gets too frustrated at not getting her own way again, we'll be back to square one, (and I'll be on here telling you all about it!)

Nothing has changed. MIL hasn't changed, DH hasn't changed. She's merely been to see DD. I suppose time will tell, but I still feel pretty resentful of DH's behaviour over the last few weeks and can't seem to shake it.

Just to add-sorry for monopolising , that if they waste their time looking at photos, criticising a rash(ffs), surely even your husband will begin to tire of criticism of his lovely daughter, and be wanting such visits to end.

They seem to be doing a good job of digging a hole, IMO.

Just leave them to it.

I feel a little sorry for FIL, but then if he´s willing to have limited access to his only(?) granddaughter because of his wife´s stupid behaviour, perhaps he doesn´t deserve that much sympathy.

She sounds very narcissistic. And her behaviour has backed your DH into a place where he has to make a moral choice between you and stick to it. he can't sit on the fence. Trouble is he has probably been so conditioned over the years to feed her narcissism and is in the guilt-trap that she has a lot of control over his emotions and can dangle him, emotionally speaking, on a thread with veiled threats to abandon him/withdraw her love.

Sounds like it, thirtysomething.

That said, if a threat of "no more mummy´s love" works on a grown man, it might say more about him.

diddl - I'm inclined to agree. I hope DH does notice the small criticisms, but I doubt it - he's oblivious to any wrongdoing! To be honest she was much more interested in borrowing DH's car tomorrow for some event they're going to because it's smarter than theirs (it's nothing special, just black and clean!!) It's all about appearances.

If I were MIL I'd be embarrassed that it is my FIL who asks questions about DD. He asked me if she was sleeping through, how many bottles she was on, if her thrush had cleared etc.... He definitely has more of a genuine interest in DD.

I did have to laugh when DH asked me if he could put DD in a t-shirt MIL bought with 'my heart belongs to nanny' on the front. Er...not today darling, no!

Not that he usually asks my permission to dress her - she was already dressed, wanted to change her and obviously thought I may not be too keen on the idea. At least he asked I suppose!

"Trouble is he has probably been so conditioned over the years to feed her narcissism and is in the guilt-trap that she has a lot of control over his emotions and can dangle him, emotionally speaking, on a thread with veiled threats to abandon him/withdraw her love".

Oh yes I would have to agree with this comment made by thirtysomething. My ILs are NPD but its all about appearances and image presented to the outside world as well.

I would also think AJ123 that your MIL is also narcissistic. NPD people can also be crappy gift givers with no real thought for the recipient. Love the "my heart belongs to nanny" shirt tshirt - NOT (where's the boak emoticon?!).

These people lack empathy - they just don't have that within them.

You can't have a relationship with a NPD person - it just does not work. FIL does seem more genuine but I would not let him off the hook because he has played the bystander role within that dysfunctional family unit.

This is the best resource about NPD for lay people I've ever come across:-

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd

Glad it went well with nooney looney nana nutjob today but as you said nothing positive came out of it with regard to your DH seeing his m as she really is and being more supportive of you.

I would leave today aside completely but still suggest counseling as it is the one way you can decide how to move forward.

Love the t-shirt, dont know why you refused to let her wear it

Re: the Tshirt, I think I'd get a black permanent marker, add Special and Lainy Loo (ffs!) and then give it a ritual burning on November 5th. Or Hallowe'en, if that's more appropriate.
Just think how therapeutic that would be.

so glad it was calm and you took the moral high ground!!

I think i may have peed a little laughing so hard after the special nana blah blah AND the tshirt, I doubt you will need to do much, your dd will be mortified at her special nana!

I'd put that t-shirt accidently on purpose into a 95 degree hot wash.