Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

I do totally think she is nuts but RE "It is things like the fact that she had made her very own (and utterly ridiculous) name that everyone should call her in reference to her as Grandma." ... is it really utterly ridiculous? Maybe you should at least let her have a choice over what she wants to be called, unless it's totally off teh wall?

Maybe the best thing would be to have your Mum on standby, so if it does all kick off in any way she can be round like a shot, but you're still going into it with the best intentions and not in a confrontational manner?

Also, if you are genuinely worried there is a possibility she will pick up the baby and walk out (which is probably extremely unlikely but I know how these things can prey on your mind), discreetly flip the button up on the Yale lock (if you have one) once she's through the front door to deadlock it - will take MIL 5 seconds or so figure out why the door isn't working giving you lots of time to catch her. As I said, I think it's incredibly unlikely she would try it again, but will give you peace of mind.

I think Tangle has made a good point - the conversation will quickly move to your mother's presence - unreasonable, yes, but that's your MIL all over, right? And you won't get to discuss what you want to discuss. Also, if it were a friend there with you, they'll have nothing to attack her for, so you won't have to waste your energy defending her, iyswim.

But you do definitely need someone there, because otherwise it's 3 against 1. We'd all love it to be 2 against 2, but that would be hope triumphing over experience, wouldn't it .

DuelingFANGo - it is totally ridiculous! I'm almost reluctant to put it on here in case someone who knows her or I reads it!! And I think that ultimately, she made those choices for her children (re what they called their grandparents) and I think that's my choice to make. I'm not being pig-headed about it, just would like to make just one choice without her or DH having something to say about it!

Mum will be on standby!! I don't really think she'd walk out with DD again I suppose, but I feel very uneasy about her as a whole. I think wanting her there was a security blanket, because standing up against 3 (at times very unreasonable) people, on your own with a LO is pretty hard! But I'll do it!

AJ123 - I don't know your mil and yes I agree that horrible people can become grandparents. PLEASE try to believe that I am just as horrified as most others on here at your MIL'sbehaviour and am NOT condoning what she has done in any way, shape or form. For what it's worth it sounds to me like she is having a big crisis of identity that has emerged with the birth of your baby and needs therapy to help come to terms with it all but that is her problem not yours.

I know that everyone is busy on here backing you up to the hilt and that is fine and I'm sure you need that in this awful situation especially as your DH is not being supportive. However everyone is focussing on the adults concerned whereas I am thinking of the one person who is completely innocent and is at the centre of this dispute - your little daughter. Very young children can pick up tension in adults and become anxious and children always know far more about conflict and tension than people often realise. I know that your baby is very young but do you really want her growing up in the middle of this conflict. She will be adversely affected in the future if this conflict continues at the present level. Divided loyalties for a child can cause great distress for them as they are often unable to understand and process the reason behind the conflict.

You talk of rights, privilegies and respect. I believe that parents do have rights but hand inhand with those rights go responsibilities. GPs do NOT have rights nor responsibilites - as you say only privilegies. I think respect has to be earned and I say this in relation to ANY kind of relationship not just MILs and DILs. I firmly believe however that children have rights, the right to be loved and cared for and have all their needs met and the right to enjoy a loving relationship with their parents and extended family.

I see many children through my work who are traumatised by parents fighting over them and believe me it is a sorry sight. I have no doubts that you want the best for your daughter and this is why I was trying to suggest some sort of middle ground but of course it would call for god will on both sides.

Now I am wondering and please please I am only wondering NOT saying this is how it is, but are you maybe wanting to "punish" your MIL a little by refusing to allow her reasonable contact with your daughter. If you are it may be with good cause but again you may be setting things up for your daughter to be upset in the future by the conflict in the family.

YES your MIL sounds horrendous and the Scotland thing I think demonstrates that she is panicking and desperately trying anything to get your H on her side even to the extent of telling lies. The thing about her being drunk in the pub sounds awful and maybe you are never going to be able to come to any udnerstanding of each other but I am merely suggesting you try NOT for her sake as a GM, or evenfor your sake or your DH's sake, but for the sake of the child at the centre of the conflict.

I can see what you mean about not wanting to be trapped round at her house, dependent upon your DH to bring you home, but how are you going to get them to leave if they're round at yours?

And, whilst I totally understand you wanting your mum there for moral support, I really think it's going to royally Piss. Her. Off. before you even start. You may not mind about that - after all, she's been doing the same to you for a while now - but it's just going to inflame the situation. Isn't there anyone else who could come instead?

Blimey. Just caught up with the responses. I would definitely have some sort of ally there, even if it isn't your mum. You need someone there on your side.

Good luck.

So, who is coming round tomorrow?

Is there any chance that your husband can take your daughter out for a limited time and just you and MIL can talk.

And by that I mean you tell her how you feel and she shut´s the FU.

Tell her how she disregards you and that you will not put up with it.

Hmmm. How much time are you planning on spending in the room with them? One of your earlier posts suggested you were going to stay in the house but out of the way - which is why I thought having a friend round for coffee was a reasonable thing. If you're planning on being actively involved in the visit then having a random body around does get harder to justify.

I'd also have a think about how much serious talking you want to do on this occasion - I think NanaNina makes some valid points. It seems as though trying to discuss any of the issues that are concerning your is unlikely to be an entirely civil event - is that something you really want to do with your DD around? Can you use this as a chance to earn brownie points by letting poor, depressed granny have some nice time with her GD and a good time had by all (even if you're quietly seething in the background). While FIL and DH are concerned about MIL (and it sounds like that will be their 1st priority even more than normal), I don't see how you'll be able to have a meaningful discussion that even approaches rational or constructive.

It does seem as though DH is the key to it all - if you can't get him on side by himself I really don't see how tackling the 3 of them together is going to get you anywhere other than more upset

As an aside on names for GPs, we deliberately wanted my parents and DH's to have different names so that everyone knew who we were talking about. We did let them choose their own (they are going to be called whatever for the next 20 years or so!), but were very glad when they stuck to fairly generic variations - we would have intervened if they'd gone for something too daft. I know you said you'd like to make just one little decision by yourselves, but does it have to be THIS decision? Given this does involve MIL on a personal level it would seem a good place to try and be conciliatory...

Clam - there are a couple of friends who I would trust to be here (or sister...do you think that would be just as bad?), but to be honest if I'm not going to have mum there (which I do think will cause unnecessary grief) I will do it alone! Regarding getting themn to leave, I have told DH that I cannot stand more than an hour. I'll just say that I am tired, or plan a feed around the same time - I'll think of something!

NanaNina - I have no need to punish her. I am not a bitch. I do think that my DH's family need to be involved. Before I was pregnant, Throughout my pregnancy, and for the first 4 weeks, I tried very hard, for the sake of DH to get on with this woman. I tried to let her feel involved. I let her feel my bump, listen to bump, watched while she filled her house with baby things, and didn't say a word. I didn't even cause a fuss when she read out the text.

However, constantly wanting her own way when DD was born, and wanting me out of the way, is NOT acceptable. Nor is walking out of the house with my baby. After this episode, I didn't try to stop her seeing DD. I merely changed the terms - i.e at my house, when DH is here. This is, for the moment, what I am comfortable with. I afforded her more than a lot of women have or would in the same situation.

I told her directly that I wanted visits to be like this, and that she should stop making DH middle man.

SHE has chosen not to come and see DD. It's been her choice to sulk because it is not on her terms. It's her choice to tell everyone her sob story. it's her choice to lie to DH about me.

I am STILL not stopping her from seeing DD. I think this is more than reasonable. my DD is ten weeks old she has not spared a thought for how I may be feeling. Why on earth should I now make her feelings my top priority?

I know that you are giving a different point of view, but I dont think that in order for DD to be happy and balanced, that I need to let this woman walk all over me. She has shown time and time again that she will ignore me, my feelings and not respect me as my DH's wife or DD's mother.

DH also needs to step up and support me. I will not be railroaded by three other people. DD will not gain anything by being around someone who shows her how to disrespect her! All she will be is a bad role model.

Tangle - you're making some good points - and I completely understand. To be honest, given her apparently fragile state, I wasn't going to attempt a conversation. I don't see any point. I will let her see DD, I just won't leave the house as I've been ridiculously asked to do.
MIL can be called something different, but not something so silly that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to say it! She can by all means call herself it! And I do think I've tried to be concilatory - honestly I have compromised, she came round for afternoons on end with DD when she was first born, came straight to hospital, was there when we came home. Her reactions now, are merely becuase I'm beginning to stand up for myself and now be walked over.
I don't see DH and I getting through this. I really don't. It says a lot about our relationship, this can't be the only issue we have. Therefore trying to get on with MIL is futile. I will always do something wrong! She can see DD with DH and be happy about that because I'm not going to spend my life bullied by them. (Maybe it's me who should grow a backbone?!)I think that I tried hard enough and for long enough.

diddl - I wish I could tell her that!

AJ, I've read this with my jaw dropped in astonishment. The woman is a loon.

Re tomorrow I would have a friend round to keep you calm and do your best to stay calm.

Offer them tea, let her feed the baby (really this is what grandparents live for) do not rise to any comments, just note them in your notebook. Smile, bite your tongue and after a couple of hours tell them DD has to go for a nap and it was lovely to see them and usher them out. All the little jibes and snipes, just say 'mmm' and leave the room. Dont rise. I can only imagine you must be sicik to your stomach thinking about the visit.

My MIL is nothing like yours but bugs me none the less with the whole obsession with gc thing. But thats what some of them are like. She only has boys and now has 2 dds. I did feel like a womb (she thanked me for getting pregnant the second time), Thinks everything dd does (even when she is bold is hilarious)etc etc. But I just had to get over it as it was starting to affect how I saw DH.

The real pb is your DH, the man is blinkered and the only chance you have is councelling if you think you could love him again. His devotion to his mother is staggering. That is the saddest part of it all. A time that you will never have again as a new family geting to know each other has been ruined by his total lack of respect for you and devotion to her.

Good luck tomorrow

Yes, I think almond has it.

Or find little jobs to do to take you out of the room if somethings happening that you can´t stand.

And be polite-I´ve just rememberedXXX-doyou mind if I just pop & see to it?

Or will this give MIL an excuse to say that you are being rude?

I think you have to be polite,& not rise to anything,and don´t say a word to your husband about anything she says or does afterwards.

It will be difficult.

But as long as you are always the reasonable one.

Yes Almond and Diddl - you're totally right! I will just act adult (probably the only one!) and get over it. I don't have to speak to her about it - it will only end in tears. Inside, she knows what she is like, and as long as she continues in the way she has been, this is how she will see her GC, at my house. I'm not the one who has to make the effort for it to change. That's up to MIl and DH.

WOW.

AJ123 don't feel you have to defend yourself against certain posts. Just ignore future ones.

I think most of us are wholly on board with how you're feeling and how anxious you must generally be given how you've been put through it.

In an ideal world she would calm down and settle within her boundaries once she realises that you're not going to bend over. I'm glad you're sounding stronger. I'm sorry you're not feeling more hopeful about your marriage.

There have been some really good suggestions re support on the day and someone there would be better than no one I think. It will help you pass the time even if an intervention is not required!

I do think it rather odd that your mum and MIL have never met. How have you managed that? Perhaps a meeting between them at some point would help alleviate MIL's irrational feelings about your mum? Make her realise she is just another granny and nothing to be threatened by?

I'm also desperate to know what she wants to be known as. Can you contact me

Yes, desperate to know the name.

In the past I know I have been guilty of moaning about MIL too much.

Whether husband agrees or not, you´re still the one doing the moaning.

So, take a stance, behave politely, no post mortem afterwards-do that on here, your husband will soon see who is unreasonable in all of this.

Don´t let her drive you apart.

I think the name must be Granny-Tigglywinkle-Popsyflops.

Don't let anyone insinuate otherwise, you've been nothing but reasonable and have bent over backwards to accomodate her nuttiness. Any tension your daughter may pick up on will be worse if you don't stand up for yourself, exactly as you're doing, so you are doing the right thing by nipping this in the bud.

Your-Royal-Precious-Highness-The-Grand-MaMaa?

Ok ladies 'special nanna lainey loo'...maybe not as bad as you thought, but bad enough to me. And the special part is an insistance!

Oh. My. God.

see I wasn't far off was I?

She is properly insane. Nanny-nut-nut might be closer to the mark.

Honestly, she is demented.

OMFG!!!!

Special

Will this woman get over herself??

Is your mum "nanna lainey loo", so the special is to differentiate between the two??!!

can you change to nana lainey loon?

PMSL at nana lainey loon