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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "tell off" a 6 year old who bumped into me

138 replies

DoThisDoThat · 18/09/2009 12:43

Oops, know I'll be flamed so sorry in advance to anyone offended.

I was bumped into at a restaurant by a six year old girl, I said, "oh sorry" and smiled and she just looked blankly at me. So I said, "now you're supposed to say sorry too". Again, just a blank look.

So I continued outside and she was outside so I said "when you bump into someone, you're supposed to say sorry, it's good manners". Again, just a blank look. I wasn't mean, I wasn't snappy, just neutral and I had my own 3 children with me, including the 1 year old who I was carrying when I was bumped into. So, just walked out to car park when the mother comes up to me, with the girl in tow and asked me if I'd told her daughter she had bad manners. I said, "no, I told her that apologising would be good manners". Anyway, I got a telling off for upsetting her daugther, who was "nearly crying". Now, I am a bit cross because, if that was me with my 6 year old, I'd ask him to apologise to the adult. As it was, I apologised to the little girl for upsetting her. Which I really am sorry about. But aibu to think the mum was being a bit precious?

OP posts:
juicy12 · 18/09/2009 18:16

The mum was probably taking it personally - thinking that you were critiscing (sp) her manners by proxy. I do think it would have been pretty intimidating, though, for the child. However neutral you were sounding, she probably felt as though she was being told off by a stranger.

hocuspontas · 18/09/2009 18:30

Did she actually realise she'd bumped into you? If not, she'd have just thought you were just some nutter. Hence the blank looks.

And by saying sorry to start with - that's SO confusing you must agree!

qwertpoiuy · 18/09/2009 18:40

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's, but appears normal. If she bumped into somebody like that, she might say "sorry" but she would have a blank look on her face like you described that girl. If she hadn't apologised I would have asked her to, but I would have been upset if she had been harassed like that coming out of the shop - she would have been upset for the evening.

From what I can gather, that girl (whether SN or not) didn't bump into you deliberately and I think you over-reacted.

So YABU

AppleHEAD · 18/09/2009 19:11

Don't you remember what it is like to be 6? She is probably polite she just probably felt intimidated by you. She is only a kid give her a break. She has probably been told not to speak to adults

claudialyman · 18/09/2009 19:38

I genuinely think its great that so many people (many posters here) do immediately consider hidden disabilities and the possibility of SN when hearing a story like this about children. It makes the world feel like a friendlier place when you're bringing an SN chid out and about, and helps to remind me that for all the people who react in unhelpful ways to my child's more strange behaviours many people are just giving us the "benefit of the doubt" and a bit of leeway.

Goblinchild · 18/09/2009 19:51

My son would have assumed that you had done something wrong and was apologising to him.
As he wouldn't have worked out what it was you did, he'd have stared blankly and then been confused as to why you wanted him to say sorry when it was your fault.
My daughter would have thought you were creepy for talking to her a second time, possibly dangerous and would have hidden behind me.
They do have lovely manners, largely because they have been taught through example. They also know when to let a grievance go.
Glad to know I can remove his ASD facial tattoo as SN can now be diagnosed by women in restaurants.

TheFallenMadonna · 18/09/2009 19:58

I'm not sure either of the adults covered themselves in glory on this occasion.

macdoodle · 18/09/2009 21:35

Sounds horrid - you that is not the little girl!
If someone had preached to my DD aged 6 I would have had words too !

mumeeee · 18/09/2009 21:45

Your were a bit ott. Saying it once was fine but saying it 3 times and even when you saw her outside after the incident was not being very nice to the child.

Sassybeast · 18/09/2009 21:52

YABU and a bully. The other mum was not being precious - you were. I'd have done excatly the same if my child had been upset - who the hell do you think that you are ? And as others have mentioned, would you have been so brave if the 'offender' was a 6 foot bloke ?

Heated · 18/09/2009 21:52

The mother was OTT in coming after you.

ingles2 · 18/09/2009 21:59

I'm amazed you've got the time, energy or inclination to pull up someone elses child for an accidental bump.
I hope you are completely and totally confident that your 3 children would always apologise in those circumstances.

midlandsmumof4 · 18/09/2009 22:21

Would you have done this if it was an adult who bumped into you? If she was only 6 which you seem pretty sure of, surely she couldn't have caused much damage even if you were carrying a one year old. Get over it-there are more things in life to get upset over.

Ripeberry · 18/09/2009 22:26

What a strange woman you are OP! If you did that to my daughter I'd have a word with you as well.
She might have been so terrified that she could not speak? And then this stranger follows her telling her off.
Hope you haven't given this child nightmares

midlandsmumof4 · 18/09/2009 22:51

BTW-maybe as a six year old she may have thought YOU bumped into HER. (2 children in tow & carrying 1, you may not have seen her) in which case no apology was necessary from her point of view,

EyeballsWearingAPatch · 18/09/2009 22:58

Only have a 6yo niece not dc but if I was out with her and some strange woman came up and started telling her off, no matter how 'gently' I'd be having words with her too. Why would you even bother to carry it on outside?

Plonker · 18/09/2009 22:59

YABU.

She's 6 (or thereabouts, I'm assuming you didn't ask her exact age) - why would you try to educate her in social niceties?

...and why pursue her outside? Very odd.

Agree the mum was a little OTT but I wouldn't have been particularly happy with you myself should you have pursued my 6yo. Seems slightly unhinged to me.

cheesesarnie · 18/09/2009 23:01

yabvu.she bumped into you,she didnt kick you,plus shes a child!.i agree she probably thought you were apogolising.and my ds1 who is 8 would have given you a blank stare too.not because hes rude but because he would probably me a bit scared.
its not up to you to demand an apology.if you felt that strongly about it,you should have approached the mother not the child.

crankytwanky · 18/09/2009 23:02

I would have said something when the incident first happened, but I'm knida of the "It takes a village blardy blah..." school of thought.

bronze · 18/09/2009 23:08

I'm another it takes a village type person .

So yes she should have said sorry
No you shouldnt have carried it on outside
No her Mum shouldn't have made a point about it.
Amazing when these incidents get reported on mn how every single child in this country suddenly has special needs. If she did have special needs all her mother needed to do was come over to the op and say sorry my child didnt say sorry we're working on it or something similar. I'm fed up with how few kids have manners these days. If you feel your child is too shy etc you go and apologise for them. ( I always seem to be apologising for my kids ..)

bronze · 18/09/2009 23:09

Or what that commonnortherner said in two sentences

DailyMailNameChanger · 19/09/2009 00:32

Bronze, the mother wasn't with the child when she bumped into the op so she couldn't have appologised for her. The op felt it appropriate to correct a young child with no parent present for an accidental bump, repeatedly. She needs to get a grip.

bronze · 19/09/2009 00:40

If a six year old is either too shy to apologise or has sn should she be walking around a restaurant on her own?

As the parent my reaction when the child told me would be to say ' well next time just say sorry and it would be over with quickly'. If they wouldn't say sorry themselves then I definitely wouldn't be having a go at someone who asked them to say sorry.
I don't think the op was bullying just a bit ott. Bullying would be shouting at the child or being aggresive, the op said something in what I think was actually a fairly pleasent way even if it shouldn't have been said as I've already said I don't think the op should have continued it on outside though I don't think shes was wrong to expect an apology at the time

hercules1 · 19/09/2009 07:22

Bronxze - are you quoting someone when you say that is she had sn or was too shy to apologise she shouldn't have been walking around the restaurant on her own??

My dd is nearly 6 and not shy but would have reacted in the same way as the child in this story. She would have clammed up and burst into tears once she was with me again I expect. I would have gone to speak the op too. If she had asked once, no problem, but to continue outside, that was wrong.

To suggest my daughter shouldnt walk around on her own because she exhibits perfectly expected behaviour of a child her age is ridiculous.

Your sn comment. You are clearly clueless in a massive way about people with special needs. I apologise if you were speaking tongue in speech.

Goblinchild · 19/09/2009 07:35

I think Bronze is quoting an earlier poster, I can't find which one but I remember thinking WTF? yesterday evening. As I did about the 'Can't be sn as she explained to her mum'
My Aspie can monologue for England, I'm probably one of the few mothers of a teenage boy who knows exactly how his school day has been.

The OP did come back to say:
'MamaGoblin, you are right. It was my intention to be gentle and in fact I think I was - I did smile and say sorry, I wasn't snappy rude or anything. But I did go too far by saying something to her later. BTW, she looked 8, only found out she was 6 when her mum said so. Am now vv redfaced but then I did I post to get other opinions.'

Which I think is fair enough. Now all I'm worried about is her ability to psychically dx sn.

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