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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "tell off" a 6 year old who bumped into me

138 replies

DoThisDoThat · 18/09/2009 12:43

Oops, know I'll be flamed so sorry in advance to anyone offended.

I was bumped into at a restaurant by a six year old girl, I said, "oh sorry" and smiled and she just looked blankly at me. So I said, "now you're supposed to say sorry too". Again, just a blank look.

So I continued outside and she was outside so I said "when you bump into someone, you're supposed to say sorry, it's good manners". Again, just a blank look. I wasn't mean, I wasn't snappy, just neutral and I had my own 3 children with me, including the 1 year old who I was carrying when I was bumped into. So, just walked out to car park when the mother comes up to me, with the girl in tow and asked me if I'd told her daughter she had bad manners. I said, "no, I told her that apologising would be good manners". Anyway, I got a telling off for upsetting her daugther, who was "nearly crying". Now, I am a bit cross because, if that was me with my 6 year old, I'd ask him to apologise to the adult. As it was, I apologised to the little girl for upsetting her. Which I really am sorry about. But aibu to think the mum was being a bit precious?

OP posts:
BethNoire · 18/09/2009 14:20

LAst week whilst walking with a stick (my own fault, fell over, hole in foot but chose to keep doing mascara rather than patch up wound ) a small child knocked my stick from under me and almost made me collapse

I did not feel even slightly annoyed at said child

I did think the Mym was a bit off as she didnt even notice- too busy texting. But kids do these things.

YABU

And my ds1 speaks incredibly well, looks NT but has AS so wouldn't speak to you in that scenario. It's not possible to tell.

In fact, I agree with Pag.

CommonNortherner · 18/09/2009 14:26

Yeah, the outside bit was overkill! The Mum was precious, and you were gracious in apologising.

All these you're a "bully" comments... get a grip!

pagwatch · 18/09/2009 14:30

If she would have been happy to follow a group of teenagers and lecture them in the same way then I am happy to agree that she wasn't bullying a small child.
Just being pompous

I agree OP did the right thing to apologise and childs mum was being very dim.

Hulababy · 18/09/2009 14:34

Mum was a bit precious coming over to you.

However I think you were being unreasonable once you deciding to take it further outside, after the initial incident. The initial exchange was perfectly fine IMO, but the rest unnecessary from a stranger.

You have no idea who the child was, and her situation. She may well have been incredibly shy and nervous, she may have had special needs, anything.

BlueBumedFly · 18/09/2009 14:35

I would avoid telling anyone else's kids off like the plague, that way you don't end up upset and neither do they. Not your job to correct other's kids.

Hulababy · 18/09/2009 14:36

Have just reread OP which says:

"I was bumped into at a restaurant by a six year old girl,..."

TBH in that situation I wouldn't even have asked them to say sorry. I would have just said sorry myself and probably followed it up with "are you ok? I didn't see you there" with a smile.

MamaGoblin · 18/09/2009 14:37

YABU - she was too young to pursue the matter outside the restaurant, FFS! Maybe if she'd been 10 or so? I'd have said something too, but left it at the point where you said 'you're meant to say sorry too'. Anything more makes you look a wee bit obsessed, sorry!

On the other hand, I don't object to adults 'intervening' in a gentle way with other people's children if it's done politely, unthreateningly and with a view to joint social responsibility. I frequently ask children I don't know to pick up litter they've just dropped in the street or park. I do it nicely, I smile (or try to remember to!) and don't make a meal out of it. Almost always, they go all quiet and shame-faced and 'yes miss'. I don't see anything wrong with that.

katiestar · 18/09/2009 15:01

FGS it was an accidental bump wasn't it ? A 'whhops a daisy' and possibly a 'steady on there, swetheart' if she was being hyper and leave it.

Pollyanna · 18/09/2009 15:11

my 6 yo dd is very polite, but would have been too shy or embarrassed to say anything had she bumped into you. She would have been mortified had you had a go at her in the carpark.

My 4yo who is almost the same size as my 6yo wouldn't say anything either (she would have to be prompted to say sorry in that case, although is usally pretty good on pleases and thankyous).

If it were my children, and I had seen the bump I would have asked them to apologise, but otherwise, just let it go.

you're going way OTT imo.

groundhogs · 18/09/2009 15:26

YANBU, Manners cost nothing, my 3.5yo DS says sorry to strangers.... she was 6... no excuse.

Parent obviously the cause, she had no manners, how would her dd have ever learnt any?

oneopinionatedmother · 18/09/2009 15:26

the child bumped into her. therefore, she should have said sorry. she didn't - possibly for a variety of reasons.

you requsted she apologise is not really grounds for her to be upset - and her mother affirming her upsetness instead of telling her she should have said sorry too is daft.

the mother shouldn't have made a big deal - why should you apologise when she bumped into you? you weren't rude. You merely requested an apology, in the 'teaching the kids' way.

now this little girl probs thinks its ok to slam into people and she doesn't have to apologise.

i would also not have spoken to a stranger as a kid, but that's not the point. my mum just explained i was shy - she didn't make other people apoogise for terrifying me when i was so easy to terrify.

Its her mums reaction that is unreasonable - YANBU.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/09/2009 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 18/09/2009 15:28

Where in the OP does it say that the child slammed into her?

2shoes · 18/09/2009 15:28

yabu
and a bully

Original poster
DoThisDoThat · 18/09/2009 15:29

MamaGoblin, you are right. It was my intention to be gentle and in fact I think I was - I did smile and say sorry, I wasn't snappy rude or anything. But I did go too far by saying something to her later. BTW, she looked 8, only found out she was 6 when her mum said so. Am now vv redfaced but then I did I post to get other opinions.

To other posters, for the record, I am not a "bully" and I didn't "have a go at her in the car park" nor was the conversation with her mother an "altercation" - she was just doing what lots of other people would do.

OP posts:
echofalls · 18/09/2009 15:31

you over reacted but then I think you already know that. If you did that to my dd I would be furious. Learn and move on.

OrmIrian · 18/09/2009 15:32

Child's mum was a loon.

SomeGuy · 18/09/2009 15:42

Hmm. If somebody bumps into me, I don't say sorry. Why would I. Apologising for somebody else bumping into you is bonkers.

Trying to teach someone else's child to play the "sorry" "sorry" game is bonkers.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 18/09/2009 15:46

Agree someguy. The child may well have been confused by the OP saying sorry, then saying
'now you say sorry too'.

Child was probably thinking "why?"

pigletmania · 18/09/2009 15:47

I dont know, it depends on how hard, if the child ran into me with a bike or scooter, or just not looking where they were going i would just say to them that they have to look where they were going, but to keep repeating it to the girl. If someone bumps you, dont apologise its not your fault

DailyMailNameChanger · 18/09/2009 15:55

Can I just point out to those who think that the OP is NBU, the child was on her own when this conversation took place, the child had to go and tell her mother what had happened, it is quite likely she had also been told not to speak to strangers? Which the op is - very.

TBH, the more I try and imagine my dc in this situation the more certain I am that I would have had some serious words to say. Talk about being sanctamonious!

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 18/09/2009 16:01

Yes, I think YABU.

Why did you feel the need to lecture a small child just for accidently bumping into you ??

I wouldn't even have thought twice about the fact that she didn't apologise to me for something so trivial !! I would have automatically said "oh, sorry" to her & left it at that.

My DS1 is almost 6 & Autistic. He would not automatically say sorry in these circumstances & more than likely would also stare blankly at you. But then again, so would my "normal" niece who is the same age !! In fact, it would probably upset my niece more than my son.

Perhaps the little girl felt a bit intimidated by a stranger telling her off, however nicely you feel you were trying to be ??

pigletmania · 18/09/2009 16:02

I just would have said excuse me! and leave it at that, not keep repeating it. Quite a lot of young children are known for their shyness and also as other posters have said probably taught not to talk to strangers.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 18/09/2009 16:05

Referring to my previous post, I as the mother, would have said "sorry" on my ASD son's or my niece's behalf BTW, so the little girls mother should have done this also, but I still think you were BU in continuing to lecture her.

belgo · 18/09/2009 16:31

DoTHisDoThat - well done for coming back to this thread and admitting you should have done things differently. I'm sure the accusations of bullying are inaccurate.