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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she should have told me?

51 replies

honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:14

Just picked dd1(3) up from nursery and her keyworker called me over to say a little boy had scratched her face. dd's face looks awful she had 4 big scratch marks on one cheek and they are quiet deep, a small one just below her eye and one on her chin and then another on her other cheek. So when she said a scratch i was shocked to see 7.

I asked who it was and she said she couldnt say. I took dd outside and she said it was *** i then realised this was the keyworkers son.

Now im not pissed off that it happened because she explained what had happened and although it's not ok i know it happens in every nursery. But i am pissed off that she didnt tell me it was her son and say sorry and tell me how he was punished.

DD says he did not say sorry and was not given any sort of time out /punishment.

So it is this right that she cannot tell me who it was?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 16/09/2009 13:17

Of course it is right that she cannot tell you who did it

can you imagine the issues this would cause?

what i would be very unhappy about is that the child wasn't made to apologise and you weren't given an incident form - this would be an issue for me

at DS's nursery, they have to say sorry and give a hug to the child they have hurt and they are told it isn't kind etc

AcrylicAfternoons · 16/09/2009 13:19

I think it's standard practice not to tell the parent which child it was. The same thing happens at my DDs nursery.

Overmydeadbody · 16/09/2009 13:20

YABU

What difference would it have made to you anyway?

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:20

I was given a form but it just says she has a scratch and she was given a cuddle.

she only started this nursery last week nothing like this happend at the last one so not sure if she just said that or not.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 16/09/2009 13:21

Why do you need to know?

Overmydeadbody · 16/09/2009 13:21

And just because your 3 yr old said he didn't say sorry and wasn't given a punishment doesn't mean that is the case. 3 yr olds are not exactly reliable are they?

rubyslippers · 16/09/2009 13:21

on DS's form the outline what has happened in more detail but you did get a form ...

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:22

well it was her child so i wasnt sure it was right that she dealt with it or if they have a thing where someone else has to.

OMDB i was simply asking a question so please sont get arsey with your reply, i wouldnt have made a difference but if my child had don that i would have been stright over to the parents to say sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:24

my dd is nearly 4 and she does know how to explain things.

OP posts:
PeedOffWithNits · 16/09/2009 13:24

normally our nursery would tell the other mother too and then they would apologise. you can see why they cannot give out details, in some schools there would be parents fighting on the playground over it!

BUT this does not ring true to me. You are saying it was HER OWN child, in which case she should have been terribly sorry and made her child apologise in front of you - perhaps that was dealt with in nursery, but she should have told you - or left telling you to another worker so she was distanced from it, being the other mother not just a witness

I would not leave my child in a nursery where a member of staff's child behaved liek that and they did nothing about it

rubyslippers · 16/09/2009 13:24

no honey - you are making a big deal

i would NOT apologise to the parents ... it is a nursery issue

they may shout/get angry or worse and that is exactly why you aren't told

this sort of thing does happen in nursery, and there will be a point when your DD is the one doing the scratching etc - it is part and parcel of nursery life

neenz · 16/09/2009 13:25

YABU - they never tell you which child did what, and the keyworker's child is entitled to that too.

paisleyleaf · 16/09/2009 13:25

They shouldn't say who it was, keyworker's child or not.

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:27

I was just shocked to find out it was her own child but didnt say.

I do understand why they cant tell you but im just thinking maybe another member of staff should have dealt with it all.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 16/09/2009 13:27

peedoff - all children and parents should be entitled to the same level of confidentiality

neenz · 16/09/2009 13:27

These things have to be dealt with at the time, apologising hours later is no good with three year olds.

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:29

I dont think imk making a big deal out of it Rubyslippers i was just asking as i have never had to deal with this before.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/09/2009 13:29

absolutely standard!
I once picked up DS and he had a scratch on his face. His best friend, Sam, was also there getting picked up. They spend all their time together so when they told me another child had accidentally scratched his face I had an idea of who it was, but as the nursery workers were carefully telling me "and then this other child knocked him over", DS was saying "It was Sam...it was Sam"

nellieellie · 16/09/2009 13:31

I understand that it is nursery policy not to say which child - for very good reasons. However, presumably it is policy for the parent of the offending child to be told what their DD/DS did. Any responsible parent would then want to apologise profusely surely? The keyworker should therefore, as mother of that child - not as keyworker - apologised t you and explained what sanction she had imposed. I would be extremely cross honeybehappy if I were you. Also, have to say, scratches such as you describe sound a bit more than just part and parcel of nursery life - sure it happens but sounds pretty serious to me. I'd be mortified if a child of mine had done such a thing.

hanaboo · 16/09/2009 13:33

hmmm, i understand if u are upset, i would be too, my dd is also nearly 4 and hasn't figured out how to lie yet! (believe it or not people)
so i would take what she said as the truth and i would be upset if she said no one was made to apologise...
i understand why they can't tell parents who did what, even though its kinda pointless as the kids are quite capable of telling u themselves...
if i was her i would have said it was my son and i'm extremly sorry, but thats just me.
i would be upset too honey

rubyslippers · 16/09/2009 13:33

i said that because you seem to be focussing on the fact that it is the key worker's child (according to your DD) ... it really shouldn't make any difference

i know it can be upsetting when these things happen but this will not be the first or last time your DD is either the scratcher or scratchee ...

StealthPolarBear · 16/09/2009 13:34

Well I think another member of staff should have told you about the incident and assured you the child had apologised.

StealthPolarBear · 16/09/2009 13:35

well said rubyslippers, or worse, the biter or bitee (I speak from experience

hanaboo · 16/09/2009 13:36

i also agree with nellieellie, it does sound like some really bad scratches.... not just one little one! it sounds as if he wanted to take her eyes out! one of those really grabby/don't let go scratches

rubyslippers · 16/09/2009 13:39

me too Stealth (DS was a bitee and then a biter )

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