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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she should have told me?

51 replies

honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:14

Just picked dd1(3) up from nursery and her keyworker called me over to say a little boy had scratched her face. dd's face looks awful she had 4 big scratch marks on one cheek and they are quiet deep, a small one just below her eye and one on her chin and then another on her other cheek. So when she said a scratch i was shocked to see 7.

I asked who it was and she said she couldnt say. I took dd outside and she said it was *** i then realised this was the keyworkers son.

Now im not pissed off that it happened because she explained what had happened and although it's not ok i know it happens in every nursery. But i am pissed off that she didnt tell me it was her son and say sorry and tell me how he was punished.

DD says he did not say sorry and was not given any sort of time out /punishment.

So it is this right that she cannot tell me who it was?

OP posts:
Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:40

she did say that it looked like he grabbed her whole face.

thanks for the info everyone.

Every time i look at her i feel sad, it really does look bad and she keep saying it hurts. I have given her an x-mas pressie to cheer her up

OP posts:
plimple · 16/09/2009 13:40

Personally I'd have told you if it was my child, maybe I'd have upheld the principle of not telling who if it was someone else's child.
I might ask the key worker when I next had the chance if it was her son and if she didn't want to say I would definitely ask her what their policy is on dealing with the scratcher.
I've been in the situation when my DD has bitten other children in my care and I've always told the parents what happened and how it was dealt with and filled out an incident form.

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:41

Looks like ive got lots to look forward to then. neithr of our dd's have ever biten/scratched or hit anyone

OP posts:
nellieellie · 16/09/2009 13:42

Still think the keyworker is a bit rubbish for not owning up. Sure she is entitled to confidentiality as is any mum, but to tell you it has happened and then not to say it was her child strikes me as cowardly,a bit dishonest and unprofessional. If she wanted it to remain confidential, I agree with polarbear - should have got another member of staff to tell you. Otherwise is a breach of trust between keyworker and the client, and could affect the relationship you have with the keyworker.

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:42

My typing is shit i think i ned a new keyboard.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 16/09/2009 13:43

no - she isn't rubbish for not owning up

she didn't handle it well, but she should be entitled to the same confidentiality as everyone else

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:45

well tbh i kinda keep thinking about it, they have never been mega chatty whn i go to pick her up but today after she told me about the scratching she said dd's is fantastic ive gotta show you her pictures she did today blah blah blah and i though wow how nice to get some feedback, but now im thinking did she just wanna be nice.

OP posts:
harrisonnnn · 16/09/2009 13:48

Gosh I didn't tihnk my reply was arsey!

That's just how I reply to posts. You asked a questio in AIBU, and I gave you a reply.

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:51

think you forgot about your namechange.

I only posted this here so it would be answered. Dont think ive ever had this many replies before.

OP posts:
harrisonnnn · 16/09/2009 13:51

bugger. Ignore me, please.

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 13:52
Grin
OP posts:
nellieellie · 16/09/2009 13:57

Think the nursery dealt with this really badly. If the keyworkers child is responsible then another member of staff should have told you. For the keyworker herself to do it, and then not state she was the parent leads to conflict of interests, breach of trust between keyworker and client.It could clearly affectthe relationship you have with the keyworker. The sort of injury you describe is really serious. I would want to know exactly what had happened, how the incident had been dealt with and what steps would be taken to prevent recurrence. At nursery my DS goes to, this would have been seen as v serious. A deep scratch in the face is pretty nasty behaviour - yes it happens but they need to treat it seriosuly - your DD is in their care and you need to know she will be safe,

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 14:01

Thankyou nellieellie you have explained exactly how i was feeling.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 16/09/2009 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

overmydeadbody · 16/09/2009 14:11

Regardless of policy, I would have told you if I was your keyworker and my son did that. I would have been very apologetic.

Just try not to let it get to you too much now it is done. Keep an eye on communication if you feel they are not telling you enough generally, and bring it up if you feel you would like more feedback in general. I did this when my DS was in nursery.

StealthPolarBear · 16/09/2009 14:55

maybe she thinks the OP is the vindictive type?

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 15:25

why would she think i am vindictive stealth? she has known me a week and i dont hink i give that sort of impression.

OP posts:
Sunshinemummy · 16/09/2009 15:41

At our nursery the policy is not to tell you who has hurt your child or who your child has hurt. So when DS was bitten I was told he had been and told how they dealt with it but not who it was. In return when DS pushed someone over I was told he'd done it but not who to. I think it's standard and eminently sensible.

DeFluffMyFanjo · 16/09/2009 15:50

OP - I'm totally with you, it feels very dshonest that this person is talking to you about 'a' child scratching your daughter while all the time knowing it was their child. The nursery should have someone else explain to you.

Doesn't sit well with me and I'm afraid I might be looking at other nurseries... there again I'm a right softee when it comes to my dd and the very fact that she came out with an injury would be giving me cause for concern... in the 3.5 years dd has been at her nursery she's never had an injury from another child nor ever given one.

StealthPolarBear · 16/09/2009 15:53

no hbh, I didn't mean that personally. But presumably the reason they don't name the child is to avoid potentially nasty situations where the parents of the scratchee/bitee have a go at the other parents or worse, child. If she's only known you a week then she won't really know whether you're like that or not.

carocaro · 16/09/2009 15:54

Why would it make any difference if you knew who it was? What would you do with that info?

Across the board they don't tell you I'm afraid. But they nursery should have told you that they dealt with it according to their policy, I would find it very hard to beleive they did nothing with the other child.

As for the apology, you might be wating a long time, the parents are probably mortified that their child did this and are too embarressed to talk to you. Also in the pick up/drop off situation I hardly know which child belongs to which parent.

Another key worked should have dealt with the situation but you still don't need to know it was her child.

It's going to happen and you are going to have to develop thicker skin. Just remeber your child might do something like this one day and you are not quite sure how you are going to feel, so don't be so hard on the parents of the child, or the child for that matter and getting on your high horse about it will help no one least of all your child.

confuddledDOTcom · 16/09/2009 16:05

I agree with Nellie. It must be a difficult position for the keyworker to be in, as the keyworker she can't say as the mother it's polite. Difficult to know how to balance those.

mathanxiety · 16/09/2009 16:06

I'm surprised there is a staff member's child in the nursery. Can a 3-4 year old distinguish between mummy and teacher-mummy? Doesn't sound like a well-thought out situation for the scratcher. I think she should have apologised personally outside of the school as his mother.

couture1 · 16/09/2009 16:10

Yes, the staff are not allowed to say who the offending child is. In my childs nursery any staff with children in the nursery and there are a few are not allowed to work in the same room that their child is in. I think that is a good policy.

Original poster
honeybehappy · 16/09/2009 16:16

I understand it now why they dont tell who it was but when i asked earliar i didnt know and was curious.I wouldnt have don anything with th info carocaro. I totally agree that it's not important to know however this situation is different because it should have been another staff member who sorted it out and told me.

carocaroi never said the boy wasnt told off i said he didnt say sorry.DD said he was crying so im guessing thats why.

OP posts: