to be contemplating asking my neighbour to move her newborn into her bedroom at night?

[willow]

Essentially, we live in a semi and neighbour's new baby is in a room that's next to our bedroom. Neighbour is on the floor above. Upshot is that we wake up from baby's cries, well before its parents do. Not even going to go down the advice to prevent cotdeath route, or fact that I think there might be a she who must not be named routine being followed.

Should I ask them, politely, to contemplate having baby in same room as them, at least for a little while until it's settled into a bit more of a routine? Appreciate that I can't demand they rethink where they're siting the nursery - but don't see why we should be disturbed more than the actual parents.

or even a good thing

gerontius - because playing music anti-socially is a choice made or allowed by an adult. Children can't help crying and there's not much adults can do to stop a child crying. Imagine if children's crying was legislated against? That'd be insane.

I know because my neighbour used to bang on her ceiling in the night and shout "shut that fucking baby up, give it a bottle you lazy cow" when dd was a newborn - I was breastfeeding and co-sleeping so she hardly cried for any time at all.

The neighbour banging and swearing used to wake up DS and then he'd cry, she would then shout more and bang more - he thought it was a game after a while and started banging his cot in response to her which drove her insane. My landlord calmed me down by explaining about the noise pollution legislation one day.

I'm surprised at the response you got, I'd be MORTIFIED if my baby were waking up the neighbours, and would certainly be leaping up to settle him as soon as he started squawking.

If you are really being that badly inconvenienced... and after all, this is NOT your baby, nor any member of it's family, it's got nothing what so ever to do with you... why do you need your nights sleep obliterated?

IF you have a good relationship with the neighbours, then I'd go and have a really nice, 'I'm really dreadfully sorry to moan, I wouldn't normally, but it's been 3 weeks etc etc, and we've not slept at all for all of it...' blah blah blah baby monitor, moving the cot to their room etc.'

I actually DON'T think you are being unreasonable.

The only time I've 'allowed' my baby to inconvenience neighbours was when there was this downstairs neighbour from hell, who would have 10 mates round 5 nights a week, literally screaming and laughing well into the early hours of the morning. I asked her to please keep it down, as my son was waking at 5am, and she was stopping me sleeping until often after 2am. She did nothing. I called the Environmental Health, she still did nothing... So I swapped rooms with him and when he woke at 5am, he disturbed the shit back out of her.... That sorted her out!

You'd be mortified that a baby cried? I'd be fairly surprised if they didn't tbh. Babies cry, simple as that really. I'm lucky that mine didn't cry but if they had and someone had complained then I wouldn't be pleased. If a baby is disturbing your sleep then consider moving rooms or buying ear plugs. I also wouldn't "allow" my baby to cry for any longer than was necessary purely to piss someone else off.

I don't think YABU to ask super nicely as Aitch says. I can't bear this attitude that parents with newborns are sacrosanct and to hell with everyone else

Don't think you can really say anything. Everyone has their own way of parenting and you have to let them get on with it and take the risks they want too even if you don't agree.

But the consequences of the way they choose to parent impinges directly on willow. No man is an island.

hmc - it's not really that newborns are sacrosanct more just that children crying is not noise pollution, even if they do it all day and all night. A neighbour doesn't really have a 'right' to complain. If you have a good relationship with the neighbours you could maybe try broaching the subject but the parents are likely to be overly emotional in their reaction and tbh I'd just get some earplugs.

We will have to agree to differ. I would be like groundhogs - mindful of not disturbing the neighbours, after all they didn't sign up to my pregnancy.

Yes the neighbours need to be reasonable (and not expect everything to be as silent as the grave) but likewise the parents of the newborn should show some consideration.

This should either involve having the baby in the same room (not least due to SIDS advice - personally I can't understand parents who don't do this) or responding very quickly to the baby crying, and if the baby doesn't settle immediately, remove the baby from the room with the party wall until he / she is settled. I'm rather old fashioned about consideration to others though

Hmc -parents with newborns are generally under alot of strain.the decent thing to do is not to add to it.

The OPs post is a bit disingenuous I think.
She is presumably woken up by the baby whether it cries for 1 minute or five.
Therefore it wouldn't make any difference whether the parents were in that room with the baby or not.She would still be woken up.She just doesn;t want the baby to use that room full stop and that is unreasonable-very

Funnily enough Katiestar - with two children, I have experience of newborns! Completely disagree that the decent thing to do is to suffer in silence

I imagine that willow is under quite a bit of strain too - due to avoidable sleep deprivation

Wow, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and am shocked by the number of posters who are, rudely, telling you are.

Having a baby does not give you a divine right to do as you like. It's not ok to wake your neighbours simply because you prefer to use a certain room.

Why are people suggesting that the OP stump up fir soundproofing? If the neighbours have chosen to use a room on another floor with a party wall then they can install cheap soundproofing.

Oh good - reinforcements!

I used to have a neighbour who apologised to me for her DD's cries whilst she was teething. She was a great neighbour, but I always thought that was a bit silly.

I mean, babies cry, I lived in a terraced house. If you live in a city you will hear the noises made by other humans. It is not inconsiderate for people to make normal day-to-day sounds in their own homes, and that includes the newly born.

I am kind of terrified by the idea of a 2 week old baby sleeping in a separate room, on a separate floor to its parents' bedroom, but I can't see how it is reasonable to expect people to make decisions about where their children sleep based on where their neighbours have chosen to sleep.

well read the whole thread - not sure if YABU or not

Are you sure it's 5 minutes - I know when I'm woken in the night I never really know whether it's 5 seconds or 5 hours I'm awake.

Are you sure there's no-one else in the room. When I was FF DS2 I used to leave him in his cot while went and got his milk - taking him with me only intensified his screams (which the neighbours could hear whether I was in a room adjoining their house on one of the opposite side) so it was less stressful for both of us for me to get his milk and take it to him than take him to get the milk.

I do think it's unrealistic if the walls as thin as they sound like they are in the OP's house to stop noises from children going through.

Paper thin walls are shite and unless you gag your children your neighbours will hear them (and until you've lived in a house where you can clearly hear noises on the other side you have NO idea what it's like - this house is like heaven on earth now we have proper thick walls).

YANBU at all. Go talk to your neighbours. This is what living next door to each other is all about - sometimes you have to discuss problems. It's uncomfortable and inconvenient, but it will be way better than suffering in silence.

Go knock on the door tomorrow. Bring a gift for the baby (or the parents), and tell them your problem.

Living next door to people is not all about expecting them to be silent and invisible and nor is it about having conversations about the perfectly reasonable things they do in their own home that inadvertently affect you.

The decent neighbour in this situation is the one who winds their neck in and realises that sometimes saying nothing and suffering in silence is the neighbourly thing to do.

Being woken at night by a newborn baby in the next house is tough shit.

I'm flabbergasted that there are people in the world so unreasonable that they would complain to neighbours about a crying baby.

We used to live in a flat made from an old Victorian house and the sound proofing was pretty much non existent. Our babies screamed (as babies do) sometimes quite a lot (although mostly during the day), and occasionally our neighbours would pop down and ask if everything was OK. Which was fine because they were friends, and I think were genuinely concerned. Unfortunately they would wait until dd had finally gone to sleep so I couldn't do what I would have really liked which would have been to give them the baby and tell them to take her away! Maybe they worried that I was mistreating dd - who knows. When their children were born ( a few years later) they would wake me in the night with their screaming, but I really think that is because until your children are well past the stage of waking in the night you remain ultra sensitive to the sound of crying, and wake with that feeling of 'I must do something', even out of quite deep sleep.

I do feel the OP's pain, having your sleep disturbed is really tough, and enough to make anyone grumpy, but surely not compared to the incredible stress of having a new baby? If the neighbour is a friend then of course she could go around, do something nice for her, have a chat and see if there is a solution, and the risk of really upsetting this new mum will be much less (and yes I do think upsetting new mums is something to avoid). If you are not friends then I cannot see any way to raise the subject without risking a whole lot of upset and anger all around, with a high chance that your relationship will be damaged long term and that your immediate pain will remain (ie the baby will not be moved).

There is absolutely no way you can demand that they have the baby in their room. I could not sleep at all with dd in my room. not because she woke me up with crying, but because she kept me awake sleeping. If someone had told me that it was upsetting them that I didn't "follow the rules" I think I might have had a nervous breakdown.

"I'm flabbergasted that there are people in the world so unreasonable that they would complain to neighbours about a crying baby."

Yep, that's me. An utter shite - not. Of course all babies cry - hence the face that I haven't gone round to complain, I've posted on here to get feedback about the situation. And yes, I'm perfectly capable of broaching the issue gently, rather than storming round demanding people rethink the way they live their lives. Also, in my original post, I say I've no intention of commenting on SIDS or routines. Each to their own and who am I to criticise anyone else's parenting choices? So lets all move on from that, shall we?

I actually reckon I qualify as a nice, considerate neighbour to have. I feed cats, close curtains, put lights on when people are away and all that jazz and have given away mountains of baby stuff to new parents in our road and never asked for a penny. Hardly some anti-baby Nazi.

And oh, to be able to actually afford a detached house. Or a loft extension. Or sound proofing. But some of us are actually feeling the credit crunch.

there has deffo been some wilful misinterpretation here i think, will...

anyway, what are you going to do? it's a tough one, i think. (judging by the reaction).

willow - I'm sure you're a considerate neighbour. The point I think is important is that, whatever you say to the neighbours, during this emotional postnatal time they are likely to take it that you are implying criticism about SIDS and routines e.t.c. even if you are not. I think speaking to them would undermine your position as a considerate neighbour and would not end up benefitting you at all as there must be a reason the neighbours have the baby in that room in the first place. Earplugs are the way to go.

I think you should say something, but definitely take a present, and ask if you can help in some other way perhaps?
Whoever said 'no man is an island' is right. Communication is the only way.
The comment 'you should have bought a detached house' is worse than useless.
Good luck willow.

I'm 100% behind you Willow.

You aren't going to mention anything about SIDS etc, you've already said that.

Any sort of noise which is loud enough to wake the neighbours is, imo, enough of a problem for the parents to be made aware of it. What they then do about it depends on whether they're considerate.

I would be very very stressed out if I was being woken several times a night by any noise, be it a baby, a barking dog, DIY or whatever.

Just reading curiosity's post before my last one - taking on board the undeniable sheer craziness of those early weeks: is it a better compromise to wait a few more weeks, then mention something?

How about going round and offering help? It's so nice, when you're a new mum, to know that you have considerate neighbours who appreciate how tough it is to have a newborn. Maybe she's taking longer than you to respond because she is so shattered, and a bit of help during the day - even just a chat - could go a long way towards changing things.