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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be contemplating asking my neighbour to move her newborn into her bedroom at night?

327 replies

willow · 10/09/2009 11:41

Essentially, we live in a semi and neighbour's new baby is in a room that's next to our bedroom. Neighbour is on the floor above. Upshot is that we wake up from baby's cries, well before its parents do. Not even going to go down the advice to prevent cotdeath route, or fact that I think there might be a she who must not be named routine being followed.

Should I ask them, politely, to contemplate having baby in same room as them, at least for a little while until it's settled into a bit more of a routine? Appreciate that I can't demand they rethink where they're siting the nursery - but don't see why we should be disturbed more than the actual parents.

OP posts:
GibbonInARibbon · 10/09/2009 15:05

When you see your neighbour could you not say 'how is your gorgeous DD/DS? I bet you are very tired getting up 2/3/4 times a night. I really feel for you when I hear you having to get up again'

Neighbour may have no idea you are being disturbed, this is a gentle way of letting g them know. Apologies if this has already been suggested, I did not read whole thread.

Do feel for you. Sleep deprivation is awful.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/09/2009 16:56

It would be less galling if the baby was in with the parents as they would respond to it much quicker and it might not even get to the crying stage. I wonder whether the neighbours know that? I assumed that all babies cried at night and was surprised that DS didn't. Of course I got woken up but nobody else did as I woke up at his first stirring and he didn't need to cry.

But then I was co-sleeping which is by far the most sensible thing to do for everyone sleep wise IMVHO

nappyaddict · 10/09/2009 17:48

If they have a spare room which is bigger and more conveniently located then I would mention it in passing but that is all.

Original poster
willow · 10/09/2009 19:41

Am loving the post (posts, was there more than one) talking about how a baby had to be moved into its own room to stop the dad being woken up. Er, hello? So it's ok for dad not to be woken up by a baby's cries, but it's fine to wake the neighbours? Classic. Pot meet kettle. Kettle meet pot.

My work here is done. Off to buy earplugs.

OP posts:
Romanarama · 10/09/2009 19:49

Don't mention it at all. My neighbour mentioned one of my baby's crying and I felt so embarrassed. But babies have to live somewhere and it doesn't go on forever. Buy earplugs, they're very effective.

GreenMonkies · 10/09/2009 19:51

What? They have a new baby in a separate room on a separate floor?? WHAT??? Seriously???

I don't think you are being unreasonable, if you know them fairly well you could pop over with a congrats card and have a chat about how hard the newborn days are, and how you remember it well, etc. It may well come up in the conversation that the baby is waking you up at night, and you may find out why it is being made to sleep alone. I always find saying things like "gosh, you are strong/brave (whatever) I couldn't bear to hear mine cry, or was too worried about SIDS sleep away from them, and too lazy to get out of bed so I kept them close as it meant I didn't have to get up and go to them several times a night" She may get the hint. Or she may tell you why she's doing it (ie someone has told her too) and ask for your advice.

If she doesn't print off all the info abut SIDS and separate sleeping and put it through the letter box with a copy of Attachment Parenting by Katie Granju...... (this is a joke btw)

independiente · 10/09/2009 20:07

YANBU. How you handle telling your neighbour depends on your relationship with them. Very tough to call...

Mad to think a newborn can happily make the near-immediate transition from being cradled inside it's mother to being on an entirely different floor. Some people are nuts, but that's a different thread...

clam · 10/09/2009 20:08

Is this an accurate cross-section of our society today? I can disturb my neighbours and they have no right to say so?

Look, we all know that newborns cry. So do older babies. And toddlers. And the rest. But I'm a bit about the barrage of YABU posts. It's how you deal with it, and communicate with your neighbours that makes the difference.

When my DCs were tiny and we lived in a semi, I was always pre-empting my neighbours by saying " I do hope we're not disturbing you." They knew and I knew that we were, but just the acknowledgement and apology was enough to smooth it over.
And I would certainly not have left one of them to cry a moment longer than it took me to get there in the middle of the night if I knew it would disturb others. We tried controlled crying for a few nights, but waited until next door were away to do so.

What happened to basic consideration for others?

notanumber · 10/09/2009 20:09

Depends on how well you know them and how long you're planning to stay in the house.

If you're friendly with them and they seem reasonable sorts, then making the suggestion that they swap the rooms around will probably be ok. I'd also sweeten the pill with a cake or something to show that you are genuinely sympathetic and not just a moany bastard who can't remember how hellish it is.

However, if you don't really know them, it might be fine but there's a chance it might all go tits up. And if she flies at you with a breadknife (because your complaint has tipped her over the edge into full blown new-baby-no-sleep psychosis) then you're stuck living next to each other for a while as sworn enemies. Which is pretty unpleasant.

KERALA1 · 10/09/2009 20:35

YANBU - second all clam said.

We were so careful to ensure our non-sleeping PFB newborn didnt disturb the neighbours ie making sure I paced the flat on the side adjoining the drug dealing non working up all night neighbours rather than the nice child free couple the other side.

Also with you on wondering why a newborn is not in the same room indeed on a different floor

nappyaddict · 10/09/2009 20:41

When I say mention it in passing I mean a comment like "oh I remember the newborn days when they keep you up all night!"

Mybox · 10/09/2009 20:52

They might not know that the you can hear the noise. Complaining will just annoy them but if you say that you're moving rooms because of the noise she might decide to rethink where her baby sleeps.

DeathbyDora · 10/09/2009 21:09

Hiya - have lots of sympathy for you, broken sleep is awful.
Haven't read all the posts but wondered if it would help for you to put a sleep noise machine or a fan in your room? Would the constant low-level noise from that help to keep you asleep?

We live on a road with police cars hurtling past at all hours & I'm a very light sleeper but we have found just having a regular fan on (facing the other way if we don't want the breeze) seems to stop the other street noises from penetrating our sleep to the same extent if you know what I mean?

susia · 10/09/2009 21:49

Years ago when my son was 1 he used to wake up at 6 or earlier every morning and cry. For months I went straight to him and eventually I decided to leave him for a few minutes and hope he'd go back to sleep.

My neighbours were a group of 6 male students and one day they wrote me a letter of complaint. It was really rude basically along the lines of 'I know it must be hard for you as a single parent...if you are finding it hard to cope...we are at the end of our tether...'

I was completely outraged because they implied that I was neglecting my son, couldn't cope because I was a single parent and besides which I felt that I was completely reasonable in trying to teach him to not get up at an ungodly hour. They had often kept me up playing music at 4am and had absolutely no idea what it was like to have a baby and how they slept etc...

I told them all this, I was really upset, eventually they moved out! eventually my son started sleeping longer as well.

As my son got older though I did start to see it from their point of view in the end as well. People do have to consider their neighbours. However, I couldn't have made my son sleep longer and though I tried by not going in straight away (it made no difference btw!) I was exhausted from the early starts and was desperate to try anything.

I think you should be able to say to them that you are being kept up at night and wonder if they could swap rooms around but I think they may well take offence.

JeMenFous · 10/09/2009 21:58

YANBU

A few years ago we put my son in his cot on the party wall the other side of which was our neighbour's bedroom. Our bedroom was upstairs.

Our son used to wake at anytime between 5 and 6am, anywhere before 7am is anti-social imho.

We put our heads under our pillows and ignored him

After a week of this our neighbour knocked on our door and asked us if we were aware of his crying, and if we weren't our neighbours certainly were!!

We did the only thing we possibly could and moved the cot away from the party wall and neighbourly relations were repaired

katiestar · 10/09/2009 22:37

You sound horribly unreasonable .Babies are a fact of life .
If you don't like it you should have bought a detached house

MrsMerryHenry · 10/09/2009 22:44

If the OP's neighbour's music was keeping her up at night, would it be unreasonable of her to say something?

I think you're perfectly reasonable to raise a concern about the noise disturbance - I was always hyper-conscious of this when we lived in a ground-floor flat with DS. However, it's what you choose to say and how you say it that is crucial here. Just explain the problem and leave her to work out the logistics herself.

jellybeans · 10/09/2009 22:49

YABU. I had a nighly screaming baby.. up ALL night for the first few months (severe acid reflux) and always worried what the neighbours would think. I would have been devastated to have them complain as I already felt dreadful about it and tried everything to get DS (who actually was right in our room with us).

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 10/09/2009 22:52

i'm finding this fascinating. i don't live in a detached house therefore i have to be considerate to the people around me. i can't just do what i like and then blame them for (like me) not having the money to afford a detached property. that's utterly bonkers.

honestly, no wonder kids have difficulty with manners and citizenship in our society if this is the way they're being brought up.

(and yes, i think i did just impugn the parenting abilities of anyone who's disagreed that the OP has a point. )

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 10/09/2009 22:56

but jellybeans, that's the whole point, the baby is nearer to willow than it is to its parents. and tbh if you thought it was disturbing your neighbours you really should have said that you were sorry and struggling with the reflux thing. no one would mind, then, because it's just one of them ones, babies doing what babies sometimes do. this is quite different, this is a child crying for five minutes at a time, at the age of two weeks, a full floor away from its parents, that is settled by attention. miles away from reflux (so far... )

MrsMerryHenry · 10/09/2009 22:59

Aitch, I agree - what a bizarre set of reactions on this thread. Yes, it would be mortifying to be told that your baby was keeping someone up, but so what? I don't think you would actually die of mortification, and at least by opening up a dialogue, you know where you stand and can hopefully start to do something about it.

In fact, we asked our neighbours whether DS disturbed them, as our bedroom was directly below one of their bedrooms. They always said no, but I never believed them. We had a great relationship with our neighbours because we communicated with them.

Okay, I'm getting sarky now, it's time to leave!

curiositykilled · 10/09/2009 23:09

Agree YAB a bit U - it's up to the parents how they bring up their children. I would be worried about a tiny new baby being on a different floor from the parents all night though and think it's rubbish to be in your position OP.

I don't agree with the people who say the "up to the parents" argument is not valid because it is noise that is disturbing a neighbour. Babies crying are not covered by noise pollution legislation. Children and babies are allowed to cry where adults are not allowed to play loud music for example.

geRONtius · 10/09/2009 23:12

curiositykilled -why?

boyngirl · 10/09/2009 23:13

YABU!! Are you joking? Telling them what to do with newborn baby? How woud u have felt? Take yourself back to having a newborn, finding your way, worry, excitement. And how it would upset you, knock your confidence. Jesus.

hatesponge · 10/09/2009 23:17

YABU

Babies cry. However, they aren't babies forever.

I would suggest you invest in some better soundproofing/insulation between your 2 houses. Alternatiely, use ear plugs.

I live in a modern house with decent soundproofing - I only hear my neighbours young baby occasionally early in the morning if I have just woken up and am lying in bed (bed is on the wall next to her room) & there is no other noise in my house. However, the noise is never loud enough to wake me up. your neighbours must therefore either have one noisy baby, or your walls are paper thin (which frankly is never a goos thing )

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