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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the staff in my son's reception class to help him pull his trousers up!!

150 replies

BrieVanDerKamp · 07/09/2009 18:31

My son has been going to school for 3 days, he is only just 4.

He has come out of school everyday with a wedgy and his boxers rolled over and over so it's all waistband and no pants IYSWIM.

Of course this is uncomfortable and it leaves an indented red ring around his waist.

Today his trousers were almost on sideways with his fly open.

You'd think they would help him, he also has a problem with one of his wrists (which they're aware of), the two bones in his forearm are fused together which allows no movement of his wrist, obviously this is a factor in him being able to do certain things.

Now his school won't help with the wiping of bottoms (I can kind of understand that) nor will they apply suncream etc.......but you'd think they could help him pull his bloody pants and trousers up FFS, bearing in mind that the new parents were assured that whilst they are new in school the kids would be supervised in the toilet!!

I will mention it tomorrow at school, but wondered if anyone else thought it was a bit off.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrieVanDerKamp · 07/09/2009 19:36

No chaos that's not what I'm saying, what I mean is they will get the help they need cos it's seen as what school should do.

My my son won't get help cos it's a personal care issue IYKWIM

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 07/09/2009 19:38

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TotalChaos · 07/09/2009 19:42

thanks for clarifying. I wouldn't assume that any particular need is automatically catered for, and that the kids with language problems are getting amazing support tbh - sadly you often need to be assertive about what your child needs. Definitely speak to the school - it may be that the teacher/TA don't realise there is any physical problem.

plonker · 07/09/2009 19:50

YANBU at all.

Even putting aside the problem your ds has with his wrists, he has been in school for 3 short days and he is only 4 short years old, of course they should bloody well help him, why on earth shouldn't they?!

We're not talking a queue of children in varying states of undress, we're talking about a child who has struggled a little bit and just needs a gentle tidy up.

God I find it all very depressing

Errrnonymous · 07/09/2009 19:51

Is part of the problem that he just zooms his pants back up and runs off without thinking because he is eager to get back to the fray? Could you encourage him to take the time to look in the mirror (assuming there is one) so he can see what's wrong and have a go at tidying up? My ds is capable of doing things proerly but hates to spare the time ...

diddl · 07/09/2009 19:54

The other way of thinking is that he is pulling them up.

Original poster
BrieVanDerKamp · 07/09/2009 22:06

Thanks for replies guys, just to confirm to a few of you......I did say I told them about the hand issue, and someone said why didn't I bring the trouser issue up at the beginning of term.....he's only been 3 times, it is the beginning of term, until now I didn't realise it was a problem. Obviously he's been pulling his own trousers up for ages at home, but then of course I would take a few seconds to striaghten him up.

It could well be that now he's at school he is eager to get back to things so is rushing, but no I don't think there is a mirror, I assume this because he and the other children come out of school with their lunch (that they'd eaten 3 hours before) all over their faces, but that's another issue LOL, he now has a wet wipe in his lunch box so he can wipe his face.

OP posts:
Herecomesthesciencebint · 07/09/2009 22:17

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Alambil · 07/09/2009 22:17

this is the one thing that infuriated me about Ds's teachers - the pushing of "independance" when really they're still needing help...

I had to change DS from boxers to pants and let out his trousers by one button on the adjuster so he could just pull them on and off, but he'd still spend all day untucked

What ifuriated me MORE though was after PE when he had his shoes on the wrong feet - not ONE person told him to change / helped him and he'd spent ALL DAY like it. I was raging but they did nothing because "they need to be independant"

when I teach, I will NOT refuse to help the children - even all 30 of them.

discoball · 07/09/2009 22:22

Brie, of course YANBU - it will take a member of staff 2 seconds to notice that he's in a muddle and 2 seconds to put it right - I think we have to sometimes put ourselves in these situations and see how we'd feel if it were our kids who were uncomfortable all day.... I would definitely help him!! Hope he is enjoying school otherwise!

discoball · 07/09/2009 22:23

LewisFan, just read your post... can't believe they didn't spot that!! Yes, they need to be independent but with a little guidance/encouragement along the way!!!!

PeedOffWithNits · 07/09/2009 22:28

we were warned at the pep talk last term that our kids will come out of school dressed in allsorts of dishevelled ways, and not to worry about it because they will be totally oblivious to their inside out and back to front garments, as they ahve been having so much fun..... this early years dept has had several outstanding ofsteads and I ahve no problem. BUT in OPs case where there is a physical disability, provision to assist should be made.

Lewis, i applaud your sentiment but wait till you are faced with 30 half dressed kids, some of whom cannot find their kits, one of whom is feeling sick, several of whom want to regale you with tales about their holiday, the police raid down their road, their granny's new cat etc AND most of whom cannot dress entirely on their own....adn you have to be on playgground duty in 2 minutes.....LOL

LovelyLulu · 07/09/2009 22:41

When my ds was in reception, it was on his IEP that he needed to get dressed and undressed for PE independently - they made him a little chart with pictures to follow so that he knew what do put on and take off first!

I think in the OP's case, she is justified in having a word because her ds has physical difficulties.

rupertsabear · 07/09/2009 22:42

Gosh I'm appalled at some of this thread. How awful that mums don't think teachers should help 4 yr olds pull up their trousers. I once found my 4 yr old sitting cry at the end of school because he couldn't manage to put on his shoes (no - not with laces or buckles or anything), and the teacher was just ignoring him. I thought it was horrible. She could at least have told me to get some easier slip ons for him or something. I hadn't realised it was a problem.

pranma · 07/09/2009 22:45

Maybe lots of practise at home so that he can make himself comfortable.

pranma · 07/09/2009 22:46

but you are definitely NBU

cat64 · 07/09/2009 22:53

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mathanxiety · 07/09/2009 23:33

Brie: I am sorry for 'semi-invalid'.

But I agree with cat64 about the pants and trying to make it easier for everyone. And I think that one of the jobs of parents is to teach children to self-help as much as possible, given their age and other issues. It should be possible to identify what exactly your DS is doing when pulling down and up his boxers and pants that gives the uncomfortable results you described, and it should be possible to find a solution that gives your DS as much independence in the bathroom as possible.

JodieO · 07/09/2009 23:42

mathanxiety - semi invalid? I'm struggling to find the right words to say to you to make you understand how offensive that is. I won't bother, as you posted it so you clearly have no idea. "Easier for everyone". Yes, great, that's what school is all about isn't it?

We're talking about a 4 year old here, have you forgotten this? I'm just glad I don't know anyone like you in real life.

mathanxiety · 08/09/2009 00:28

As I said, I am sorry.

But what is wrong with making things easier for everyone? By 'everyone' I include the DS. Was he comfortable with his boxers and pants in disarray? I am assuming the OP has found velcro shoes and other ways of making her DS's life easier, why not pants? When a child has a problem that limits their ability to perform self-help activities like dressing (skills which schools obviously expect DCs to be able to perform without help), surely it is better to have an OT try to find ways to foster self-help instead of leaving the child dependent on mum or people who are, after all, total strangers, possibly not too patient, possibly not very kind?

If you don't start at 4, then when do you start? How do you decide when to start?

MissCleverknickers · 08/09/2009 00:47

Suspect a lot of it is due to rules preventing teachers and TAs etc from touching. I remember once being told my one of the TAs at my DDs infant school that they were no longer allowed to touch the kids, help in the loo, cuddle them etc etc in case they were sued by angry parents.

Can't see why they shouldn't help your DS if you go and remind them about his hand problem.

mmrsceptic · 08/09/2009 02:10

i can't believe all this "they are babies at 4 and can't do it themselves"

they are not babies at 4 and can be taught these things

not much to do with your situation op because of the wrist issue but really, I think this is over protective

reception teachers do a massive amount of "nurturing" and they have thirty odd children ! someone must take responsibility

GoldenSunset · 08/09/2009 02:48

I would most upset if I turned up at school and found my dc in such a state. How awful for him

If my dd had similar issues and was walking around with her knickers tucked into skirt, I'm sure someone would spend a minute helping her make herself look decent - there really is no excuse why someone cannot do this for your ds.

I'm shocked at some of these attitudes on this thread, never thought I would read the like on MN tbh. And I hope you are ignoring any comments that this is somehow down to your parenting.

It wasn't that long ago your ds was three years old and its such a massive change for him. I hope you manage to sort it out Brie.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable.

mmrsceptic · 08/09/2009 03:35

well I'm not sure

I don't think it should all be left up to teachers

if you think about the fact that usually by half term/Christmas they are all pretty much able to sort themselves out, then it's plain that the teachers have shown them how and they were not physically incapable (with allowances made for the summer babies -- but even then)

and what's more I do not think I'm a horrible, shockingly hardhearted, unmaternal person for thinking this! it's a kindness to your children to help them be more independent!

maxybrown · 08/09/2009 03:38

From someone who has been a TA for 10 years, I would say it is pretty sad. Of course, going to the toilet is a hinderence, gets in the way of what you are doing!! Hence the rush!

However, you say there are 4 TAs in his class and although not all schools have this, I am from schools that do and I know that there is always someone who will show a little humanity and offer help. I would always help a child like that - show them though too and make them aware, they soon get it, but I think more than anything (and it is not to do with not touching them or anything like that) they need some compassion. People can be so uncaring these days I think. Also with his added wrist problem, he can be shown more carefully. Children are very very good at not asking for help and this is an important thing to teach your son. It also perhaps doesn't bother him too much, even with the red mark, but that is besides the point.

I can remember after some first PE sessions of children being all twisted and back to front, BUT they had done it themslelves, and some were very proud! So sometimes we need to not worry too much about their "appearance".......show him at home in front of the mirror maybe.

I think it's worth a mention. You could start by saying I have shown him how to do it and he is trying his best, having been pulling his own trousers up at home for a long time now and I have told him he should ask if he has a problem as there will always be someone willing to help him, ESPECIALLY with his wrist problem.......won't there? Nice teacher/teaching assistant take it from there!! I do not think you are being unreasonable, especially since you already state he has been doing it at home already......you are not asking for a personal assistant for your son, but as I said, for someone to show a bit of compassion.

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