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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Access of child/children

34 replies

becsta · 02/09/2009 12:30

Hi everyone,
Just after a bit of advice I know I have to go and see a solicitor but am trying to calm myself down for the sake of my children!!!!
I have 2 children both from diff fathers ( not the best situ I know)
I have just recieved a letter, (recorded deliv!!!) from my second childs dad saying that he now requires to have my youngest son over night every other weekend and no longer wishes to be a dad to my eldest and therefore the over night thing doesnt not mean for him too.
Let me make this clear I have never stopped him from seeing or doing anything with both children and up until recently he was looking after both so I was able to go to work 4 days a week (which I fit in around him!).
He then decided it would be for the best to only look after them one day a week, now this!
What are his chances does anyone know?

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 02/09/2009 12:32

No advice sorry, but that sucks for your older child.

Silver1 · 02/09/2009 17:26

It depends if he has been acting as a father to the older child, both emotionally and financially.
That said why would you want to make your elder child go somewhere he isn't wanted and will be made to feel excluded from.

paisleyleaf · 02/09/2009 17:42

Does your older son's dad not have anything to do with him? ...It does seem sad for him if this man has been like a dad to him.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/09/2009 17:50

Have you any idea what has triggered this off? Has your older DS hit a stroppy stage? Or has your XP got a new GF and is therefore acting up? Or have you got a new DP and so your XP has decided to give you some aggravation over that?

oldraver · 02/09/2009 17:54

I think thats sad for your eldest child especially if he considers him to be a fther figure. I dotn see what yhe problem is in him wanting an overnight with his own so though, I cant see any reason based on your OP as to why he shouldn't succeed in having the overnight

How old are your DS's BTW

2rebecca · 02/09/2009 18:07

If the oldest child isn't his son and he no longer has a relationship with you then I would have thought it odd if he did want to have the oldest child overnight. He won't have parental responsibility for that child so there may be problems if he required medical care etc. If I split up from my husband I wouldn't expect to have my stepdaughter visiting me, and wouldn't expect my kids (from my previous marriage)to see my husband. The main problem here is that the elder boy's real dad isn't interested in seeing him, not that his ex stepdad (if he ever really took on that role, depends on if married, length of living together etc) doesn't want to see him.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 02/09/2009 18:14

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Silver1 · 02/09/2009 18:18

Realityisnotdetoxing I appreciate your situation has left you bitter, but I think your post is a bit extreme. So he had a positive relationship with this child whilst they all lived together and provided free childcare for the elder child whilst caring for his son-now because he wants to regroup and move on you think Becsta should snatch his son away from him?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 02/09/2009 18:22

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Original poster
becsta · 02/09/2009 18:36

Becsta isnt trying to snatch anyone away from anyone, Im simple asking if anyone else thinks its unreasonable for him to drop my eldest after letting him call him dad and bringing him up for the last 3 years! It was obviously all a lie. I have no problem my son going to his dads but his dad is living with a family as he is between homes and they are heavy smokers and drinkers this is not a situ I want either of my sons to be in!

OP posts:
RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 02/09/2009 18:38

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Original poster
becsta · 02/09/2009 18:41

To add my youngest is 13 months and his dad left when i was 8 months pregnant after accusing me of having an affair for absolutely no reason may I add!!! Then for the sake of my children I have been trying to sort things out with him. Things sadly are beyound repair for us and frankly I dont want to be with a man who can treat my children like this!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/09/2009 18:44

My husband hasn't really raised my kids as they still have alot of contact with their dad. If I split from my husband they would still be dividing their time between me and their dad. why would I introduce a 3rd person into this, especially as he has kids of his own and would probably meet another woman who may have her own kids. My kids know that my husband is not their dad and they don't really have a father child type relationship with him, just as they don't regard my exes long term girlfriend (who he doesn't live with) as their mother and probably wouldn't see her if she split from my ex.
I think it's very important to keep contact with a child's natural parents if possible. Trying to involve exstepparents and exboyfriends in this just seems to make it unnecessarily confusing.
It's different if a child has only ever known the stepparent and the adults split up when the child is then a teenager or adult. The stepchild and stepparent may then decide to continue contact. This just sounds like a wee boy though and a relatively short term relationship.
I think depriving your younger son of a relationship with his dad just because you chose someone who didn't/ couldn't keep contact as your eldest son's father is very unfair. Let the young boy see his dad and do special stuff with the older boy on those weekends. Maybe see if his real dad is now interested, depending on why he stopped seeing the boy.

Original poster
becsta · 02/09/2009 18:46

Realityisnotdetoxing, we currently have a private agreement which has come from him and I have agreed and made sure I havent demanded anything, He has informed me in his letter that he has contacted the CSA to make things above board?!!?!?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
becsta · 02/09/2009 18:49

2rebecca, my eldest does see his real father however I think it harsh you agree with him to not see my eldest how do you explain to a 6 year old he doesnt count with someone he called dad?

OP posts:
Silver1 · 02/09/2009 19:01

But your elder son hasn't from what you are saying lived with this man for 21 months out of the last 36 months. You may be over estimating the relationship in the eyes of the court.
It may be the letter was written because your ex thinks you may sting him for support from CSA which you could do if he had been acting as a parent to your child-which he hasn't if in the scheme of elder son's life he was involved in the home for one year out of three.
Hindsight is 20:20 vision but perhaps you should never have encouraged elder son to call this man dad. He isn't his dad, wasn't his dad, he had a dad and has a dad.

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/09/2009 19:07

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Original poster
becsta · 02/09/2009 19:19

My son has never been encouraged to do anything especially call him dad he asked if he could call him it, why does living or not living with a person make them any more or less a parent?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/09/2009 19:41

To me a 3 year relationship is quite a short lasting relationship, especially if this man hasn't been around the past couple of years. If a woman has a new relationship every 3 years then a child could end up dividing his time between 5 blokes by the time he is 15 under the "every bloke I live with has to see my kids once we split up" rule. This would clearly be mad.
I can't see that in 5 years time when the op has a new man she will still want her eldest son visiting a man who isn't his father and now isn't the main man in his life.
I think encouraging your kids to call an adult who isn't a parent mum or dad is unnecessarily complicating things. I've been with my husband much longer than 3 years but my kids don't call him dad or think of him as their dad. They know who their dad is. I think it's sad the older boy doesn't. That's the problem here, not the expartner not wanting to continue the pretence of being the boy's dad.
I presume the bloke left when your son was 4 so he probably hardly remembers him.
His behaviour seems more understandable to me than the desire of the OP to stop him seeing his son.

Original poster
becsta · 02/09/2009 19:49

2rebecca, you are a strange person and you are entitled to your opion but forgive if it is one I will completely ignore! for the record the expartner has been a part of my eldests life for all the time he has known him and sees him on a regular basis, so perhaps people should read comments properly before giving opinions or making wrong assumptions!

OP posts:
pleasechange · 02/09/2009 20:00

I agree with 2rebecca (as I often do). To call her a strange person for having an opinion (and you invited opinions by posting on here) is a bit rude tbh

The fact is, 90% of ex-step parents and children lose contact when there is a split. To continue contact is really quite unusual and I assume would only really take place when the child is old enough to have developed a deep relationship with the adult, which they wish to maintain

mathanxiety · 02/09/2009 20:04

I agree this man may see children as possessions. Your description of your XPs living arrangements means he will probably not be allowed overnights. In the long run, though, anyone who would out of the blue drop one child like a hot potato and only want to have something to do with his biological child, isn't showing a capacity for a genuine relationship with either child.

BonsoirAnna · 02/09/2009 20:13

I think this an excellent opportunity for each of your children to gain clarity about who their biological fathers are, now that you are living with neither of them. Each child has the right to a relationship with his biological parents, father and mother, and ought to be supported and brought up by the two of them, whether or not they are living under the same roof.

Maintaining relationships with exstepparents is only going to happen if both parties want it to.

Original poster
becsta · 02/09/2009 20:20

To call someones opinions strange is not rude but purely another opinion! As I have said there has never been a loss of contact no matter how long we have been apart or together they have seen each other weekly and several times weekly may I add, the problem is that this contact has suddenly stopped with no warning or explanation and no matter what age a child is they should be at least given that! (that is my opinion)what they do when they are older is entirely upto them I am talking about the here and now.

OP posts:
pleasechange · 02/09/2009 20:30

becsta - going off topic here, but really, if you look at your last post, you did actually say that she was a strange person, not merely that her opinions were strange

I actually agree that this must be awful for your DS that he doesn't seem to be included anymore, but you really can't force it, and to stop your other child from seeing his biological child because of this (as reality has suggested) would be damaging for him in the long term