Access of child/children

[becsta]

Hi everyone,
Just after a bit of advice I know I have to go and see a solicitor but am trying to calm myself down for the sake of my children!!!!
I have 2 children both from diff fathers ( not the best situ I know)
I have just recieved a letter, (recorded deliv!!!) from my second childs dad saying that he now requires to have my youngest son over night every other weekend and no longer wishes to be a dad to my eldest and therefore the over night thing doesnt not mean for him too.
Let me make this clear I have never stopped him from seeing or doing anything with both children and up until recently he was looking after both so I was able to go to work 4 days a week (which I fit in around him!).
He then decided it would be for the best to only look after them one day a week, now this!
What are his chances does anyone know?

[floatyjosmum]

although it must be hard on the older child, there has to be some respect to the dad for wanting to stay in the younger ones life - a larhe majority of men cut off contact with their childrne following seperating from the mother.

tbh from what youve said if he went to court then he would prob get what he is asking for. he has been in the little ones life a lot (as youve stated with the work thing).
although you may not be happy with who he is living with, if he says he will be sober etc when caring for baby there wouldnt be much you could say on this.

re the csa, i never quite understand why men go to them as it seems to be those men that are ripped off by them, but if that is what he has decided to do then thats how it is.

[madameDefarge]

As a child I remember my half-brothers and sister going off with their father for visits etc...and feeling devastated because I was not included. He had been my dad as well for two years...

We later did rebuild our relationship, but sadly he died shortly afterwards.

[pleasechange]

tryharder, I really don't think it is necessarily callous that adults and stepchildren no longer see eachother after a split. The fact is there is no blood-link, and very often the only bond/link is the bio-parent. However, that said, I do think that in the OP's case, it is very hard on her elder child. In fact, every split is hard on children, whether a split between bio-parents or step. It's a really big shame

[Tryharder]

Agree with others. I think a man who has lived with his wife's children for some years would be extremely callous to just dump the children when the relationship ended, particularly if those children call him Dad.

Unfortunately there are no depths too low for some men (and women) to sink to get back at their XPs.

Look at Peter Andre anyway, he's still being papped on days out with Harvey as well as the other 2.

[GypsyMoth]

more information required here i think.

have courts/solicitors been involved previously?

[Silver1]

Personally I think if you have let your 13 month sleep over at grandparents etc for babysitting then there is no reason why they can't have over nights with dads. I wonder if he has had O/Ns before.
I am a bit confused as to which dad is living in shared accommodation.

[jellybeans]

I think 13 months is too young for overnights if he is not used to being away from you for so long. 3 is a better age IMO. I do feel sad for your older boy but feel that the dad of your youngest should still be able to see his son. Yes he is not being thoughtful of your older boy but he isn't the dad at the end of the day. The only people I know who see ex steparents were together for 10 years upwards and lived with them all that time and took on totally the parenting role.

[pleasechange]

reality - noone is saying that they 'shouldn't' seem him, just that it's quite unusual and can't be forced. The statistics speak for themselves, it is unusal, fact

[pleasechange]

becsta - going off topic here, but really, if you look at your last post, you did actually say that she was a strange person, not merely that her opinions were strange

I actually agree that this must be awful for your DS that he doesn't seem to be included anymore, but you really can't force it, and to stop your other child from seeing his biological child because of this (as reality has suggested) would be damaging for him in the long term

[becsta]

To call someones opinions strange is not rude but purely another opinion! As I have said there has never been a loss of contact no matter how long we have been apart or together they have seen each other weekly and several times weekly may I add, the problem is that this contact has suddenly stopped with no warning or explanation and no matter what age a child is they should be at least given that! (that is my opinion)what they do when they are older is entirely upto them I am talking about the here and now.

[BonsoirAnna]

I think this an excellent opportunity for each of your children to gain clarity about who their biological fathers are, now that you are living with neither of them. Each child has the right to a relationship with his biological parents, father and mother, and ought to be supported and brought up by the two of them, whether or not they are living under the same roof.

Maintaining relationships with exstepparents is only going to happen if both parties want it to.

[mathanxiety]

I agree this man may see children as possessions. Your description of your XPs living arrangements means he will probably not be allowed overnights. In the long run, though, anyone who would out of the blue drop one child like a hot potato and only want to have something to do with his biological child, isn't showing a capacity for a genuine relationship with either child.

[pleasechange]

I agree with 2rebecca (as I often do). To call her a strange person for having an opinion (and you invited opinions by posting on here) is a bit rude tbh

The fact is, 90% of ex-step parents and children lose contact when there is a split. To continue contact is really quite unusual and I assume would only really take place when the child is old enough to have developed a deep relationship with the adult, which they wish to maintain

[becsta]

2rebecca, you are a strange person and you are entitled to your opion but forgive if it is one I will completely ignore! for the record the expartner has been a part of my eldests life for all the time he has known him and sees him on a regular basis, so perhaps people should read comments properly before giving opinions or making wrong assumptions!

[2rebecca]

To me a 3 year relationship is quite a short lasting relationship, especially if this man hasn't been around the past couple of years. If a woman has a new relationship every 3 years then a child could end up dividing his time between 5 blokes by the time he is 15 under the "every bloke I live with has to see my kids once we split up" rule. This would clearly be mad.
I can't see that in 5 years time when the op has a new man she will still want her eldest son visiting a man who isn't his father and now isn't the main man in his life.
I think encouraging your kids to call an adult who isn't a parent mum or dad is unnecessarily complicating things. I've been with my husband much longer than 3 years but my kids don't call him dad or think of him as their dad. They know who their dad is. I think it's sad the older boy doesn't. That's the problem here, not the expartner not wanting to continue the pretence of being the boy's dad.
I presume the bloke left when your son was 4 so he probably hardly remembers him.
His behaviour seems more understandable to me than the desire of the OP to stop him seeing his son.

[becsta]

My son has never been encouraged to do anything especially call him dad he asked if he could call him it, why does living or not living with a person make them any more or less a parent?

[Silver1]

But your elder son hasn't from what you are saying lived with this man for 21 months out of the last 36 months. You may be over estimating the relationship in the eyes of the court.
It may be the letter was written because your ex thinks you may sting him for support from CSA which you could do if he had been acting as a parent to your child-which he hasn't if in the scheme of elder son's life he was involved in the home for one year out of three.
Hindsight is 20:20 vision but perhaps you should never have encouraged elder son to call this man dad. He isn't his dad, wasn't his dad, he had a dad and has a dad.

[becsta]

2rebecca, my eldest does see his real father however I think it harsh you agree with him to not see my eldest how do you explain to a 6 year old he doesnt count with someone he called dad?

[becsta]

Realityisnotdetoxing, we currently have a private agreement which has come from him and I have agreed and made sure I havent demanded anything, He has informed me in his letter that he has contacted the CSA to make things above board?!!?!?!?

[2rebecca]

My husband hasn't really raised my kids as they still have alot of contact with their dad. If I split from my husband they would still be dividing their time between me and their dad. why would I introduce a 3rd person into this, especially as he has kids of his own and would probably meet another woman who may have her own kids. My kids know that my husband is not their dad and they don't really have a father child type relationship with him, just as they don't regard my exes long term girlfriend (who he doesn't live with) as their mother and probably wouldn't see her if she split from my ex.
I think it's very important to keep contact with a child's natural parents if possible. Trying to involve exstepparents and exboyfriends in this just seems to make it unnecessarily confusing.
It's different if a child has only ever known the stepparent and the adults split up when the child is then a teenager or adult. The stepchild and stepparent may then decide to continue contact. This just sounds like a wee boy though and a relatively short term relationship.
I think depriving your younger son of a relationship with his dad just because you chose someone who didn't/ couldn't keep contact as your eldest son's father is very unfair. Let the young boy see his dad and do special stuff with the older boy on those weekends. Maybe see if his real dad is now interested, depending on why he stopped seeing the boy.

[becsta]

To add my youngest is 13 months and his dad left when i was 8 months pregnant after accusing me of having an affair for absolutely no reason may I add!!! Then for the sake of my children I have been trying to sort things out with him. Things sadly are beyound repair for us and frankly I dont want to be with a man who can treat my children like this!

[becsta]

Becsta isnt trying to snatch anyone away from anyone, Im simple asking if anyone else thinks its unreasonable for him to drop my eldest after letting him call him dad and bringing him up for the last 3 years! It was obviously all a lie. I have no problem my son going to his dads but his dad is living with a family as he is between homes and they are heavy smokers and drinkers this is not a situ I want either of my sons to be in!