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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

306 replies

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:33

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 29/08/2009 18:36

well, how bad is his allergy?
is he going to get very ill from coming into contact with things that have touched nuts, for exsample?

if not then i do think you're being unreasonable by dictating what breakfast cereal other people can eat.
surely you can just make sure your son doesn't eat it/???

i don't think you're being unreasonable by leaving if you felt the house was genuinely unsafe for him.
but if his allergy is less severe (ie, it's only if he actually eats nuts) then i do think you were being pretty unreasoanble

Original poster

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:37

He would go into anaphylactic shock and if we didn't get medical help straight away then he would probably die.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2009 18:38

I think you should never go on holiday with them again.

I think you should never go to their house - they clearly have shown no interest in keeping him safe.

Why don't you just invite them to yours occasionally and leave it at that.

And stop explaining yourself to them, you don't have to and their clearly not listening.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2009 18:39

They're

tsk tsk

franklymydear · 29/08/2009 18:39

do you have an epipen?

5inthebed · 29/08/2009 18:40

How old is your son, and how bad is his allergy?

llareggub · 29/08/2009 18:41

Personally, if they had that attitude then I wouldn't go away and stay in the same house as them. Villas side by side; fine. But I wouldn't stay in the same house as people who are not prepared to ensure the safety of my son, whether it is a nut allergy or not fencing off the pool.

I remember your previous threads and suspect your inlaws are the sort of people who don't believe in allergies.

I'd see them in my own house and not at theirs.

Original poster

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:42

Yes we have an epipen and he had had an anaphylactic reaction before- the MIL was actually there at the time. He is only 4. They think it is perfectly fine to leave a tin of sweets (some which have nuts in) on a table within his reach.

OP posts:

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 29/08/2009 18:42

they are nutters! (see what i did there) how feckin' hard is it to forgo nuts for a couple of days. sounds like they are doing it on purpose.

cocolepew · 29/08/2009 18:43

Did your inlaws really say that? I'd take nothing to do with them, if they did.

KerryMumbles · 29/08/2009 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 29/08/2009 18:44

A friend of mine can tell when someone in her office is eating brazil nuts. Her throat starts to tighten and unless she leaves the room, she will go into anaphylactic shock and could die. She doesn't have to eat or touch them herself.

keresley, I'm guessing this is the deal for your son as well, and that he's not able to alert you to feeling odd. YANBU and your relatives are thick and insensitive.

ingles2 · 29/08/2009 18:45

What sort of nut allergy does he have?
Are you sure he would suffer severely from being in the house with nut based products?
My son has a peanut allergy / anaphylaxis. He can't eat peanuts or products with traces, but he has never had a reaction from others eating peanut containing foodstuffs.
Are you sure you're not over reacting?

Original poster

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:45

Yes llareggub, I agree, we will never go away with them again or allow my son to be in their care (unless we are there with him). They feel that we are dictating to them how to live our lives. I don't see why they can't live without nuts for 7 days when they have the rest of the year to eta what they like.

OP posts:

Tidey · 29/08/2009 18:46

Are they trying to prove a point or something? Like they'll let him eat something with nuts, he doesn't die so they can say 'Told you allergies don't exist'? They are clearly barmy. Until they understand the potential risk, I'd avoid them.

ingles2 · 29/08/2009 18:46

x posts... well they are being totally unreasonable to leave any nut based things within his reach that's for sure

BubbaAndBump · 29/08/2009 18:47

lol at EleanorBC - very clever.

They're being very strange (although nut allergies either didn't exist or there was no news about them way back when) - could you try the approach of "I know it's asking a lot, but we HAVE to be really careful. We'd never be able to forgive ourselves if anything terrible happened just because of a few nuts lying around. We'd REALLY appreciate it blahdiblahdiblah) [not trying to make light of it at all with the blahdiblah]?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 29/08/2009 18:47

God denial is irritating isn't it? You were right to leave. Now I wouldn't get drawn into it - just state if he's around nuts we can't relax' and leave it at that. Cereal is a nightmare because it's dusty. Can't believe someone needed that except to prove a point.

KerryMumbles · 29/08/2009 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fattybumbum · 29/08/2009 18:49

Just have nothing to do with them. You have to put your son's health first.

Original poster

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:49

ingles2 - the chocolates we removed had actual nuts in them (not traces of nuts). If he ate one he could die.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2009 18:50

You are telling them how to live their lives around you and your child.

Because you have to in order to have your child live.

They are clearly mind-numbingly fuckwitted and not worth any head-space.

thisisyesterday · 29/08/2009 18:50

keresley, i don't think you've answered the question though.
is your sons reaction if he just comes into ccontact with nuts? or only if he actually eats them

i think this makes a huge difference tbh!

he is old enough to know not to eat things unless you've said it's ok i presume? my 4 yr old is totally on the ball with this stuff (his little brother has intolerances) and is often heard shouting "nooooo, G can't have milk" if anyone so much as offers ds2 something lol

if he is actually so allergic that he can't be in a room with nuts then obviously you aren't overreacting in the slightest though

sweetnitanitro · 29/08/2009 18:51

If this is what they said then I would not allow your DS in their house at all, whether you are there or not. FFS, why on earth would they knowingly have something around that could kill their grandchild? They sound completely unhinged to me.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/08/2009 18:52

Did they really say they know it could kill him but they will not stop having nuts when he is around?

if so, bye bye inlaws.

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