my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

[keresley]

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

I have a friend who grew up without a nut allergy (or at least not diagnosed), just didn't like them very much.
One day in his twenties he had a huge reaction. Now each time he comes into contact with the nuts, the reactions are stronger and he is more sensitive.

He nearly died once after kissing his GF who was wearing (unknowingly) a lip balm with almond oil.

Why would grandparents be prepared to (at best) aggravate a life threatening condition, when even a kiss good morning after eating cereal could kill?

Keresley, from your previous threads, I don't think you are ever going to win on this one. You've tried explaining and educating but for some inexplicable reason they refuse to put the safety of their grandson/nephew above their own ruddy selfishness. God knows what sort of family politics is going on here, but it's beside the point - if they insist on putting your ds in danger, they aren't fit to be around him.

My DS has a host of serious life threatening allergies and I am convinced that people (in laws etc) are sceptical. I think allergies get a bad rep probably because so many people say they are allergic without proper testing.

I think your only option is to avoid them as you would nuts. No pun intended.

Your inlaws are being pathetic and I would not allow them anywhere near DS as they can't be trusted. If my nephew had a nut allergy, I would happily not eat nuts for a week (or longer!) in order to keep him safe! That anyone wouldn't do that for a small child they supposedly love is totally mindboggling.

I can't believe the inlaws
And would they think not to give your DS a kiss after eating their nuts?
I also remember you other thread.....that again was as if they were trying to prove some sort of point. As though his allergy doesn't really exist - but if the MIL has witnessed the effect nuts can have on your son it makes no sense.

There's a mumsnetter (I remember a thread earlier in the year) who's DC was involved in that trial to do with desensitizing children with nut allergies. Starting with tiny, tiny amounts, and building up to a few nuts. All done properly, monitored by scientists/doctors. I seem to remember she said something like her DC has to have 4 or 5 nuts a day now to keep him safe.
It sounds really good. I hope that becomes widely available soon if it all works out.

"we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him"

My answer to that would have been "well then, I am afraid I cannot risk having you around my son anymore!"

Good post noodlesoup.

YANBU. It is just not very nice to have sweets on a family holiday that one child can't eat, because if they do they might die.

Yes, those of us with peanut allergic children have to be on 'full alert' at parties and playdates and helicopter parent at school. But you should expect to be able to have a nice time on holiday without asking people to wash their hands with soap if they have had an M&M.

It's unkind.

I would cut off contact with them to be honest.
Perhaps you could get your hands on a little poison and leave it lying around just for them??

YANBU to expect ILs to keep anything with nuts in out of reach.
Did the other relatives know of his allergy?
Sorry, but I think you were way unreasonable about the breakfast cereal!

Is it that he can´t eat nuts or is it also contact?

Would you allow a loaded gun unlocked in a house with a 4 year old? Even if it was supposedly out of reach? No responsible parent would. How is this any different?

Well as someone else said, if a friend you even vaguely knew asked you not to have nuts around their child every reasonable person would go out of their way to make sure there wasnt any around. They are control freaks, they are just trying their best to wind you up because they cant admit that you are the mother, you are the one who knows your child best and you are in control. They want to undermine you and take your control away. THis is just about bearable if its the "are you still breastfeeding!" or "don`t pick him up when he cries" type of controlling behaviour but in your case they have taken it to another level. I would say they are sociopathic!!

Having reread your previous thread here I would say your Inlaws have used all their chances to be good grandparents.

And good bye and not see them again.

Thanks for all your posts. My dh feels exactly the same way I do - e.g. that the gp cannot be trusted to be with my ds unless one of us is with him at all times. But tbh, it seems that so much damage has been done now I can't see any resolution in the near future. Yes, he is contact sensitive with hives and swelling but the real danger (of dying) is eating nuts. We do watch our ds (literally by the second) when we are out. When we are at home we have a nut free environment so can 100% relax that he is safe. If nuts were allowed to be prsent in that house, then we would have had to follow his every move at every moment to make sure he didn't get hold of them. The problem is, that he trusts that his family will keep him safe. So if he sees a bowl of sweets, he is more likely to think that they must be safe because nanny put them there. Also, the uncles and partners are all young people (20-30 years)and all like to get very drunk in the evening/play drinking games. So if we had said you can keep your nuts if you keep them out of reach, it is possible that they could have been left out by mistake. Or indeed , he could have got hold of them by finding them himself. When my dh was putting the cereal in the car, my ds was saying 'mummy that cereal has got chocolate in it (it had choc chips), I want to eat that for my breakfast'. We have trained our son to never accept foods without checking when we are out but he is only 4. All it takes is one bite and that's it. I guess in retrospect, we should have spoken to everyone before the holiday to check that they were OK to have the house nut free and then when it emerged that they weren't - we should have not gone away. The caravan holiday and this holiday were booked at the same time. Because my husband went to their house and sat down and talked to them about the allergy issues, we really thought that it would be OK this time. Thanks once again for posting with your opinions on this.

Your Relations are not loving, are they ?
But, for those asking, a 4 year old with a medical condition can take responsibility. I did. I learnt to do my own injections at aged 4. And I knew what I was allowed to eat and not eat.
A 4 year old with a medical condition, is unfortunately forced to be alot more responsible and mature than a 'normal' 4 year old. And unless you have a 4 year old with condition, or was one yourself, like me, then you wouldn't know this.

If it´s specifically to eating nuts/things with nuts it, then I can´t see the problem with letting the others eat their "nut cluster" cereal & keep it away from the little boy.
I think it´s VU to leave sweets about.

TBH though, your son, for his own sake has to learn not to touch any food and only eat what you give him.

But at the end of the day, why are you still holidaying with them?

Morning Keresley.
REmembering your post about the caravan holiday now combined with this holiday means that you need to seriously reconsider spending time with the ILs.
Glad your DH is on your side IL situations are made so much easier if you both agree.
Good luck with everything and remember you're not being inconsiderate, unreasonable or paranoid your son has a very real medical problem and you are just doing your job of protecting him x

keresley, I do think that you need to start training your DS to question everything he eats.
He needs to know that he can't have nuts and he needs to get into the habit of asking if something has nuts in.
At 4 he is old enough to begin to take responsibility. It could save his life.

In this case I see I shall have to cut off all my family and all my friends who, knowing that milk will kill my DS1 have recklessly, selfishly and with malice aforethought continued to DRINK TEA WITH MILK IN IT. IN FRONT OF HIM!!

And even left the cup on the table where he could pick it up!

The bastards.

Or I could just ask them to watch he doesn't drink any of it.

OK, have just seen that he is contact sensitive.
Therefore I think it wouldn´t have hurt all the adults to be "nutfree" for the duration of the holiday.

That said, your son must still learn to check with you as many things which you don´t expect have a "may contain traces of nuts" warning and others still might not be vigilant enough and could inadvertantly bring something unsafe in.

And the Uncles and partners getting drunk every evening-am wondering why you were even there!

Wondering about all thease perfectly trained 4 year olds ??

Only if it was 15 years ago, the secondcoming, marathons have been snickers for a long time now

Seriously though, there is a massive difference walking past a stranger than contact with close family who may eat nuts and then touch, kiss a child.

I work with 4 year olds and have looked after several with different dietary requirements/allergies and they are more than capable of understanding what they can and can't eat and letting other people know about it too.
One vegetarian 4 year old asked me if the sweets someone had brought in were vegetarian. They had geletine in, so they weren't.
Another, allergic to chocolate, used to say "I'm allergic to chocolate, I can't have that"
4 year olds are more capable than you think.

"we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him"

My response would be " I can't stay with people who don't care about risking my child's life".

My child wasn't contact sensitive at first, they may be now (not entirely sure what caused a reaction). Nut allergy is not that clear cut. As for dealing with risk - that's a gradual thing and not something a 4 year old should have to face on holiday with their family. Nor should the OP have to have an anxious holiday worrying about watching her child every second and cleaning up after everyone else to make sure their nutty cereal hasn't left traces where her child may get them on his hands.

Epipens are not a "get out of jail free card". They don't always work. Even if they do a bad reaction can mean days in hospital.

The "may contain glass and rat poison" test is a good one - how many people would be happy with their inlaws deliberately bringing chocolate coated rat poison into the house - even though it might not be fatal? Or perhaps your inlaws leave cleaning liquids in open bottles where your child could drink them - but that's Ok because we all train our 4 year olds not to drink strange liquids, don't we?

keresley - would you rather have your child in your life or your inlaws? YABU if you ever stay with them again, I wouldn't even visit them again without an assurance that they would not have nuts in the house. If they don't like it - don't let them bother you. They are selfish, heartless and beneath contempt.

I was once on a flight where the cabin crew announced they wouldn't be serving nuts with the drinks, and asked if anyone had nutty products with them, to please not open them, as a fellow passenger had an extreme form of allergy that even a particle in the air could affect him/her.

No-one minded, even though we were perfect strangers. So I fail to understand how your own family cannot respect this simple life-saving precaution, especially as your MIL was there when he went into anaphylactic shock, it's not as if they don't believe he has the condition.

I conlude they are stupid and that stupid people cannot be trusted. You did the right thing by leaving, however much heartache it causes in terms of family ties.