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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

306 replies

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:33

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

OP posts:
TheDMshouldbeRivened · 29/08/2009 19:40

'you will not dictate to us, we know he would die but we will not stop having our nuts around him". These arguments were thrown at us continuously.'

They sound selfish. FFS, even if he isn't yet contact sensitive how hard would it be to err on the side of caution around this 4 yo. It wont hurt to not eat nuts for 1 bloody week. When he is older he will know to check but a 4yo is too little to really understand or remember to check with you. I wouldn't bother seeing them again.
yanbu

warthog · 29/08/2009 19:41

i think not eating nuts for a week is totally reasonable.

YANBU and i would have gone ballistic.

MIAonline · 29/08/2009 19:41

Yes you would teach a four year old what he/she can or can't eat in relation to allergies. But around his own family he should not be put in the position of avoiding temptation. A holiday is an extension of the family home and if the OP wanted to create a relaxed environment then she should have the support of her family

Have we really got so self centred that we just can't be arsed to help our own family and would willingly upset other people.

Must be great to have a 4 year old that is so perfect you can totally rely on them not to do something they shouldn't do

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 29/08/2009 19:41

those people who think she is being unreasoanble, bet you think that about schools that ban nuts when there's one allergic child?

Litchick · 29/08/2009 19:43

That's right Riven - just being cautious.
Like not leaving pills around or knives.
The chances are it will be fine but it's too late when a LO dies isn't it?

And the trouble with peanut allergies is they get worse with every exposure so you have to try to avoud as much as you can or you're storing up a can of shit for the future.

fandango75 · 29/08/2009 19:43

i think its awful - i fully understand this as i have the same with prawns and 3 times have been in A&E all of which were close calls. These are not allergies where you get a bit of a rash - you die. you throat swells and closes, you cannot breathe. Then you die. I cannot believe your in laws are being so irresponsible. I am furious on your behalf, what a shame they are so ignorant, you'd think they would do their own research if they didn't believe the extent of it

MIAonline · 29/08/2009 19:44

I would ask the same question as Riven and also have your 4 year olds never done anything they shouldn't have?

fandango75 · 29/08/2009 19:47

oh i just read your post again and realised they DO know he would die and still won't act - good grief thats shocking

LittleMissBliss · 29/08/2009 19:47

YANBU- I can't see why they couldn't not eat nuts in the house for one week, totaly selfish. I wouldn't be seeing them again in a hurry. They sound like idiots to be honest.

They are very aware of your sons alergy but refuse to take it seriously. Or follow your requests as parents to ensure that the risk of him being affected by peanuts is as low as possible.

KerryMumbles · 29/08/2009 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

groundhogs · 29/08/2009 19:52

what a horrific situation! But they all seem to be being really ignorant about this. jeez my mum is allergic to asprin, so it was banned in all ways shapes and forms, together with ibuprofen. Do you think anyone kicked up a fuss? No! And pain killers are more flaming important than a dish of sweets or a cereal!

Perhaps a short term break from them, to let it all cool down a bit.

Then yet another conversation to explain ds condition one more last time, and how you can't possibly have nuts in any proximity to him. Full stop.

Suggest you say you've taken a huge amount of impartial advice, and it is not unreasonable for family members to forego something so incidental for the sake of a childs life......

Until such time as they are willing to place their grandson above a bowl of sweets, or a box of crunchy nut, you will not be seeing them unless on nut-free territory. They are however welcome to come visit you whenever they wish, but on strict understanding that nuts are not brought.

Wishing you all the best! Oh and don't blame yourselves for any of this, they seem to be in a world of their own, selfish and silly. Just cos you're related, doesn't make them good examples to be around.

fandango75 · 29/08/2009 19:55

groundhog what great advice

chegirl · 29/08/2009 19:57

Bloody hell poor you OP!

I am a bit about those who are precious about their children but this is serious ffs!

What is the issue here? Why can adults not take more care when there is a potentially lethal substance involved?

I simply cannot understand their attituded.

I am a bit puzzled at those who think you should just teach him to leave nuts alone. He is FOUR!

I am assuming we dont all leave bottles of paracetamol lying about with the warning 'dont eat them dear they will make you sick'. No we lock them away out of reach because we can never be sure that our kids will listen to us and not try and get at those 'sweeties' that mum keeps all to herself.

I am really shocked at this. But then I have lost a child. DD had anaphalaxis when given blood products (not what killed her) and its not something you want to see your child go through.

Keresely stop trying to work these people out. Its their problem, not yours. They are selfish morons. The only thing I can think of is to find them a video on Youtube that shows what a nut allergy reaction looks like.

I think this thread is really sad.

crokky · 29/08/2009 19:58

YANBU.

In your position, I'd take a very hard line with this.

I would certainly never go on holiday with them ever again. I would not visit them at their houses either.

And as for this bullshit about a 4yo knowing to check etc, well, I know an 18yo who accidentally ate the wrong thing and died (nut allergy). Absolutely iditoic and selfish of ILs to have nuts in the house. I cannot believe that they couldn't have chosen an alternative cereal or packet of sweets. I'd be fuming.

IUsedToBePeachy · 29/08/2009 19:59

In laws ar disposable. it'snot nice, is heartbreakinga nd should only be done in the absolute most dire of circumstances but we maanged it

and you need to now

they're nutters, and could cost you their son

tell them bye bye

girlsyearapart · 29/08/2009 20:02

chegirl she said her MIL had actually seen her ds have anaphylaxis!!Could it get worse?
Do you remember similar thread on allergies page about a caravan holiday and the ILs eating the food the dc was allergic to?
Was that Keresley?

chegirl · 29/08/2009 20:08

Well what more can be said girls? I am getting quite worked up at this which is fairly unlike me.

I just cannot imagine why someone would risk losing a child. Do they have no conception of what that would do to his parents?

Sorry OP but they are fuckers and you need to get away from them. If they are selfish about something like this what else are they capable of?

scottishmummy · 29/08/2009 20:11

if they cannot adhere to legitimate requests they cannot be trusted to watch your son.

goodness this isnt a mimmsy food preference. oh tarquil so doesnt like wheat,yah we don't do wheat type thing

it is a legitimate request

they are being wilful and obtuse. how dreadful that everyone had a go at you.that is very upsetting for you.cant understand why they would purposefully defy you.

shame really

girlsyearapart · 29/08/2009 20:13

Yep chegirl. Tis truly awful. Very hard to expect a 4 year old to 'screen' which sweets they have.
Dd2 so far no anaphylaxis but I live in fear as her other reactions have been scary enough.
Poor you Keresley horrible situation.

ingles2 · 29/08/2009 20:17

Look, for those of you who don't have dc's with severe allergies and are wondering about teaching your 4 yr old not to touch... You have to, it's of paramount importance.
Having a severe nut allergy is one of those things that can dictate your live entirely, but if you want your dc to have a normal childhood, going to tea, parties with their friends etc, you've got to hammer it home from the very beginning not to touch...
Yes of course you don't want temptation put in their way, the in laws are being so very very unreasonable on that score.... But as another poster said, my son also knew at 5 never ever to touch food without checking. He had the anaphylactic shock, the swollen mouth and throat, the projectile vomitting and as he never wanted to experience it again it has never been a problem.

aurorec · 29/08/2009 20:17

Crooky I was going to post exactly the same thing.
A friend of mine died after performing in a school play- she accidentally ate something with nut in it and the school nurse wasn't able to save her life.

There is no way a four year old can be trusted with that kind of responsibility. Hell, if the OP's little boy is anything like my DD he might decide to eat something because he's been told he wasn't allowed it!
Not to mention we're talking about cereals- how can you know for sure that a child will differentiate between the 'allowed' and 'forbidden' kind?

I think your ILs are insane quite frankly.

dittany · 29/08/2009 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blinks · 29/08/2009 20:22

sounds like passive aggression to me.

they're behaviour is a big FUCK YOU really.

Corporalcornsillk · 29/08/2009 20:25

I would not see them at all if I were the OP. I wouldn't risk it and would just fret about visiting them. They sound like horrible people.

YanknCock · 29/08/2009 20:25

Unbelievable. My son is only five days old, and I would easily cut every single family member out of my life for good if they EVER were this fucking selfish and stupid about protecting him.

ExH was allergic to quite a few things, and while it wasn't as bad as what you are describing, he would feel like he couldn't breathe and vomit if he had nuts and a few other things. We were together only 5 years, and in that time I saw this happen to him over and over due to accidentally eating things he shouldn't, particularly in restuarants where despite checking ingredients, things were still prepared in the same area so he ended up with some of the allergen in his food. This is 30 year old man who dealt with his allergies his whole life. To expect a four year old to be responsible for checking food is ridiculous. What if these idiot inlaws told him something was ok and they were wrong? They don't seem to give a fuck about the child anyway. A bowl of nuts is apparently more important than your child's life to them. OP, I would stay well away. YANBU at all.