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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

306 replies

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:33

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

OP posts:
chegirl · 29/08/2009 20:26

ingles I understand what you are saying, of course you have to teach your allergic child what is dangerous. But I am assuming you dont have known allergens in environments that you can control? I think that is why this situation is so horrible. A holiday with family should be an environment that can be kept as safe as possible.

Its so basic and I think its dreadful that this family are being so selfish.

cheapskatemum · 29/08/2009 20:31

In response to the poster who asks what happens when DS with allergy goes on playdates, goes to school etc. There was a girl with serious nut allergy in DS1's year at primary school. No children were allowed peanut butter sandwiches, Tracker bars etc in their packed lunches. When the school had a cake sale, the cakes/ biscuits had to be nut free. If the children brought in ingredients for stir fries, sandwich making etc no nuts or nut products could be brought in. If the girl came round for tea, the parent reminded you of the nut allergy. When the girl came to DS's party, I was handed the epipen and shown how to use it - we were having pizza & salad - but "just in case".

I occasionally forgot, and once made Nigella's mince pies for the Christmas Fair. (The recipe included ground almonds in the pastry)After that all mince pies contributed had to be shop bought and say "No nuts". It was a genuine error, the school kept reminding parents, for example by putting notices about it in the school newsletter. It could be irritating, but parents did what they could to keep the child safe every school day. Shame thse ILs can't.

mamas12 · 29/08/2009 20:31

Omg Why don't you offer them a cup tea made with bleach or without bleach and try to explain that that's what it's like. A poison.
I don't see they will understand until you take the approach that has been said here. There places are no go areas and they only see your dc under supervision because you are totally unable to trust them due to their total inablity to engage their brains.
And I would put like that and let them know exactly why their are restrictions. ffs

mamas12 · 29/08/2009 20:32

there

kmowell · 29/08/2009 20:35

twits.............disown them.

scottishmummy · 29/08/2009 20:47

parents in law are wholly expendable
your son isn't

time to remind them of this?

staranise · 29/08/2009 20:51

at your in-laws

A friend of mine was deeply ill after eating a pizza which had pine kernel oil in the base - she was 17 at the time and had checked with the waitress beforehand. Even the most sensible, well-trained 5 year old cannot check fully everything he eats.

Your ILs are clearly doing it to provoke you. Even if the allergy didn't kill him why would they risk making him the slightest bit ill for the sake of their cereal?? Why on earth would they rish their grandson's health just to prove a point?

Welshwoman · 29/08/2009 20:51

Ingles - could you please pass on some of your child training advice? I would like my 4 year old to be able to take on that level of responsibility with no worries or any level of uncertanty on my part about her compliance

Dustinthewind · 29/08/2009 20:58

If they're not bothered about your son, what about the prospect of upsetting and alienating their son, your DP?
Could he tell them that he doesn't want close contact with them until they take your son's life seriously? I know that my brother would go ballistic if the same stupidity was shown by my parents.

macdoodle · 29/08/2009 21:03

Sadly its their attitude that is the worst!
It doesnt really matter how sensitive he is or whether they believe in allergies or not!
Surely the fact that it could make your DS ill AT ALL never mind be potentially fatal is what matters!
How dare they say eseentially that they dont care about your DS, dont get upset dont try and understand them, just say you cannot see them again end of

zookeeper · 29/08/2009 21:04

I think it's a bit OTT to ask them to put the cereal into the car - could they not just put it out of reach of the child along with the bleach/aspirins/million other things that are harmful?

2rebecca · 29/08/2009 21:09

I could understand their attitude if he had coeliac disease, other people eating gluten should be possible on a holiday with someone with gluten intolerance, and if they do eat a bit by mistake it will probably just give them a tummy upset. If your son has anaphylaxis to even small amounts of nuts though they are dangerous, plus avoiding nuts is alot easier than avoiding wheat. most adults I know aren't big cereal fans anyway, it's easy enough to just have toast and marmalade, or bacon sandwiches etc.
Are they the caravan holiday lot from before? If so why do you go on so many holidays with your inlaws? I'd just not go on holiday with them in future and keep visits involving meals to a minimum. You sound as though you have had a lifetimes worth of holidays with the inlaws already so you can justify a few years without them. Does your husband refuse to go away without them or something? I only once went on holiday with mine.
It's not worth getting upset about, the answer is easy, avoid spending alot of time on holiday with them or at their house until your son's allergy improves or their inability to live without nuts for a few days resolves.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 29/08/2009 21:13

I was going to say the same as zookeeper - if he only gets ill if he actually eats them, could they not just be put out of his reach?

LadyOfTheFlowers · 29/08/2009 21:14

though saying that the 'we know nuts can kill him but we are still going to have them around him' thing would piss me off - that is slightly wankerish.

MmeLindt · 29/08/2009 21:14

My DD was allergic to nuts. She knew she was allergic to nuts and was told never to eat them.

Her allergy (or intolerance) was not so severe, she would come out in a skin rash, which was uncomfortable but not life threatening.

When we moved house, the new school wanted her to have an allergy test before she could have school dinners.

At this point DD said that she did not think she was allergic any more as she had been eating nuts in Kindergarten. They had a walnut tree in the garden.

The point of this ramble is that she was 6yo. She knew that she should not eat nuts but when faced with the opportunity she tried some.

I do not think that it is unreasonable to expect Keresely's inlaws not to leave food with nuts within her DS's reach. Especially sweets with nuts.

If it were your 4yo, would you take the chance that he would not be tempted?

If it were my son, I would stop contact with the inlaws. If they think that their enjoyment of nuts is more important than the health of their grandson's life, then they do not deserve to have contact.

Purplepanettone · 29/08/2009 21:21

'parents in law are wholly expendable
your son isn't' - I like this comment from Scottishmummy, it is true.

Incredible. I wouldn't want to spend time with them in the future in any case. Sorry you are going through this.

hairymelons · 29/08/2009 21:29

Your son is not safe around these people. How awful for you all

poguemahone · 29/08/2009 21:39

Crazy, dangerous people.

Them not wanting to do without a specific food product is more important than the possibility that a child could die? And the certainty of added stress to you, your DP and son?

Cereal dust can be airborne, a kiss from someone who has eaten a nut can trigger a reaction. Why take that risk?

A holiday is a time when you and your son should be able to relax without the threat of anaphylactic shock. OK so you can teach your 4 yo not to touch, but can you and he not just have a little break from that worry?

I'd have no more to do with them.

Rachmumoftwo · 29/08/2009 21:42

These people sound like absolute loons- keep your child away from them at all costs (which also provides you with the perfect opportunity not to see them again).

DD's school has a blanket ban as 1 child is so allergic he could get very ill just from being breathed on with nutty breath. DD is 6 and understands she can't have nuts at school (or even peanut butter for breakfast- I am very careful) or XXXX could get very ill. FGS if a 6 year old understands how potentially serious it could be, why can't your in-laws?

MadameCastafiore · 29/08/2009 21:45

Unless he is contact sensitive I don't think your in laws are in the wrong - at 2 years old DS knew that he was not allowed to eat eggs and will politely decline now at 4.

If you knew this was an issue before you went away why on earth did you go away with them?

Was it just so you could come and have a moan on Mumsnet?

lucykate · 29/08/2009 21:51

can't believe how flippant your family is being about this. a friend of a friend's husband died a couple of years ago because of his nut allergy. unfortunately, the reaction he had was so severe, his epipen wasn't sufficient and by the time the ambulance arrived, it was too late. he'd eaten some pre-prepared food which was labeled as safe, obviously it wasn't.

your in-laws are not taking it seriously are they.

scottishmummy · 29/08/2009 21:52

a "moan on MN" is someone ate a grape in asda without paying.No nice ham in waitrose.

not belligerent head in the sand PIL purposefully ignoring pertinent requests

Thinkstoomuch · 29/08/2009 22:02

Jeez this just doesn't add up. I mean, take one example, the sweets on the table. When you found them what was the order of events? You saw them, you checked the ingredients list, then what? What exactly did you say and what did they say? I just don't believe that anyone could act the way you're describing. We're not getting a balanced picture. They presumably don't like the way you've handled the whole issue, they consider you to be overbearing and that's why they're digging their heels in. But wilfully endangering a child I cannot believe.

tinseltot · 29/08/2009 22:05

What a bunch of cunts your in laws are. I would limit the time i allowed them to spend with my child. Certainly they should never be allowed unsupervised access.

malung · 29/08/2009 22:06

You must know that these so called family must be excluded from your child's life.

What on earth were you doing on holiday, not only with then, but others like them?

Your child's life comes first. Nothing must ever come before that fact.
Never see them again