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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

306 replies

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:33

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

OP posts:

catinthehat2 · 29/08/2009 18:52

"By LaurieFairyCake Sat 29-Aug-09 18:38:11 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

I think you should never go on holiday with them again.

I think you should never go to their house - they clearly have shown no interest in keeping him safe.

Why don't you just invite them to yours occasionally and leave it at that.

And stop explaining yourself to them, you don't have to and their clearly not listening."

There is nothing to add. He is your little boy, you have to protect him.

dittany · 29/08/2009 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2009 18:54

lol at 'squirrels'

ingles2 · 29/08/2009 18:56

I'm not disputing some people are contact sensitive Kerry, I'm just asking whether Keresley's dc is... There's a big difference

Original poster

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:56

Laurie- you summarise the situation perfectly. We did explain that we were scared he might die if he got hold of the products, that it onlt takes som-one to leave the cereal out on the side for him to get some, that he wasn't old enough to be able to distinguish which sweets had nuts in and which were safe. We also said that we would not be able to stay in the house if nuts were also in the house because it was too unsafe. All we got back was " you will not dictate to us, we know he would die but we will not stop having our nuts around him". These arguments were thrown at us continuously.

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 18:59

no matter how much i loved my inlaws my dc would come first.id say goodbye too.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2009 18:59

Er....they seem to be sociopaths?

I am a stranger to you and him and I still wouldn't eat nuts around your child and say the words "I know he would die but I'm going to eat nuts anyway".

They are clearly barking. Do not see them again.

cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 19:02

agree with that- i don't know your dc but id have the decency and respect not to eat nuts around your child if i knew they'd make him ill!and i love nuts!

mmrsceptic · 29/08/2009 19:02

I'm so sorry for you, it must be deeply distressing to have relatives who are so uncaring. How dreadful to have people say those things.

You know what you've got to do but it must be so bewildering and sad to have your son thrown aside for a bag of nuts.

I'm so sorry. You can't possibly spend time with them. I hope you have other relatives who are much more caring and sympathetic.

Original poster

keresley · 29/08/2009 19:09

sceptic, you wouldn't believe the amount of tears I've' shed in the last week. I can't get my head around the fact that close relatives would rather harm my ds rather than give up a particular food for a short period of time. The problem is they are still not backing down- my husband and I do not know what else we can say. We kept calm the whole time, didn't say personal insults, we just kept stating the facts and explaining why we couldn't back down. If we had have backed down, then the others would have had the nuts in the house and my son could be dead. The whole thing just devastates me. My side of the family totally get it and go out of there way to keep my ds safe.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 29/08/2009 19:20

4 is old enough to be able to check with a parent before eating something, dd has been doing so for years and is the same age.

If he's not contact sensitive and it's only a case of you fearing he might take some without asking then i'm sorry but i do think YABU

ingles2 · 29/08/2009 19:24

I agree Pink Tulips. YABU Keresley, I'm afraid.
I think it's obvious by your refusal to answer the question that your son is not contact sensitive. You are going to have to find ways to deal with his allergy, you can't prevent him from ever coming into contact with nuts, so It's imperative you teach him not to pick up anything unless it's been checked by you.

EyeballsintheSky · 29/08/2009 19:27

Agree with others. If my in laws said that to me then it would be bye bye. That shows they are either totaslly self-centred, complete thick-witted shites or don't believe you; any of which is reason to cut off contact until they get the message.

PinkTulips, I'm delighted that your dd is able to take a bit of responsibility but I think the op probably knows her child's capabilities.

fizzpops · 29/08/2009 19:29

I would have been tempted to say (if this was my DD - and it could well be for all we know atm), "We're sorry to spoil your holiday but it would have ruined our holiday if DD died because you can't forgo nuts for 7 days".

They are being selfish and lazy, my DH has a nut allergy and although I love nuts I never keep them in the house or eat them around him because I know he gets nervous about it. I don't find it too difficult to do this all the time.

thisisyesterday · 29/08/2009 19:31

agree with pinktulips and ingles.

we've asked several times if he is contact sensitive and OP won't answer, so can only assume he isn't.

i think it's very important that he is taught the importance of checking before he eats anything.
otherwise what happens when he goes to school? goes on playdates? there are situations where nuts may be present and you aren't there and it is not just the responsibility of others.

if he is only allergic on actually consuming nuts then it is unreasoanble to expect other people not to have them

fishie · 29/08/2009 19:32

sounds as though everyone on this holiday was being unreasonable.

kerseley you must have taught your son to avoid nuts, so theoretically there would be no problem with them being within reach. and putting nut clusters in the car does sound a bit much, weren't there any cupboards?

but your ils sound as though they are deliberately baiting you to get a rise. which they have.

Litchick · 29/08/2009 19:33

The thing is though you just can't relax.
Even though a child should know not to do something can you be 100% certain that they will conform? Particularly when sweeties are involved?
Can you really take the risk?
My DD is peanut allergic and GPs are far stricter than me - determined that nothing will ever happen to her on their watch.

dittany · 29/08/2009 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 29/08/2009 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Litchick · 29/08/2009 19:35

And it's not as if OP was asking them to give them up forever was she?
Did they expect her to police him the entire holiday? Because that's what it would entail - hardly a holiday.

MIAonline · 29/08/2009 19:36

YANBU, children do stupid things they are not allowed to do all the time, even the most well behaved child lets an urge overcome normally good behaviour and lets face it we have all been tempted by sweets or chocolate in our time

Your IL's are being ridiculously self centred. FGS if adults can't help a child in this situation then there is very little hope. Their me, me, me attitude would have meant I would have been wary of going on holiday with them and I certainly would never go again.

girlsyearapart · 29/08/2009 19:36

Hi Keresley- was it you that had the situation with the in laws and the allergic foods in the caravan?
Someone posted that on the allergies page a while ago.
And YANBU in the slightest. They can manage to go without nutty cereal or sweets for a week or so.
Your holiday (and lives if it was a v serious reaction) would be ruined if your dc ate nuts theirs would not be ruined if they had to have something else apart from flippin Nut Clusters.
Can't believe MIL has seem the anaphylactic reaction and still brings nuts near him??

Whats DHs reaction?

ingles2 · 29/08/2009 19:38

I'm not saying that Dittany. Of course the in laws are being unreasonable, leaving nut chocolates around. But putting Cereal in the car? That's unreasonable as well.

Dustinthewind · 29/08/2009 19:39

I agree with dittany, but why do you think they are all being so self-centred?
What on Earth would make feeling like eating a bowlful of cereal more important than a little boy's health?

Litchick · 29/08/2009 19:39

The thing is though - if it's in the house you worry.

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