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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed that my friends dd has her dummy permanently attached to her face?

60 replies

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 10:45

Our dds are almost 2 now and whilst mine has a comfort blanket hers has a dummy. My dd is talking really well hers says a few words. I know my dd is advanced in talking but my friend worries that her dd is not talking well. Partly a development thing but a big part is because she has her dummy in nearly 24/7.
I only let my dd have her blanket for sleep time and tell her I can't understand if she tries to talk to me through it.
My younger dd nearly 1 has a dummy and already gives it back to me after her sleep so I don't think 2 is too young to realise comfort items are for when you need comfort eg sleep or ill.
My friend asks me for advice about her dds talking but still lets her dd walk about playing with the dummy in and talking around it. When I look after her dd I won't let her have the dummy whilst playing/walking about. So am I BU?

OP posts:

sausagesupper · 26/08/2009 10:48

Probably YABU. It is her kid and she should choose how to bring her up. BUT if she keeps on at you about her not talking, if I was you, I would say, to tell the truth the dummy ain't helpinng!
Does she know you take dummy away when kid at your house? If it was me, I would be really annoyed if somebody else decided to take my kids dummy away. I know that's probably over-reacting, but maternal protective urges are not always reasonable!!!

inVlanderen · 26/08/2009 10:49

So why haven´t you suggested to your friend that her dd might talk more if she uses her dummy less?

cornsillk · 26/08/2009 10:49

Yes very. I refused to give my ds2 a dummy and he had a blanket. He sucks everything still - ties, jumpers, his arm! Don't be too smug just yet.

you · 26/08/2009 10:51

Yes YABU.

A dummy is a comfort.

You are not this child's mother.

Both children are likely to have the same vocabulary by the age of 5.

Why on earth would you be annoyed by a 'friends' method of parenting, something that doesn't affect you?

Original poster

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 10:52

I know that was kind of my feeling too which is why I was wondering if I was BU..
Yes she knows I take it out and I also know she makes more of an effort to take it out when they are coming over.
I do let her have it if she is hurt/tired/sad but not for running around playing or talking.
The thing that pees me off is my friend continually asking for advice (on many other things too) then seeming to totally ignore it.

OP posts:

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 26/08/2009 10:53

YANBU to get annoyed that your friend is asking for advice and then just ignoring it. But to be fair it's not really your business...it's not your child. I hate toddlers walking around with a dummy constantly in their mouth too but you have to bite your tongue and keep your opinions to yourself.

jeee · 26/08/2009 10:54

None of my children talked before 2.5 and none of them had a dummy. Some children are far slower at talking than others. And yes, I do talk to my children all the time. I doubt very much that the dummy has much to do with it.

4andnotout · 26/08/2009 10:54

Sory but i have to disagree with you, dd2 was 3.9 when we finally wrestled her dummy from her, she would have it in all day if we would have let her, but it was her comfort. Lucky for us father christmas needed for his reindeer babies
DD3 is 23 months and still has hers but she isn't as attatched to hers and mainly finds it when she is sleepy.
Other peoples parenting is a battlefield best avoided

screamingabdab · 26/08/2009 10:55

girlsyearapart I have to say, I agree with your opinion.

Dummies are a really useful comforter. I never used one for my DCs, but I would have if DS2 (a sucky baby) hadn't started to suck his fingers.

But I don't like to see a child with a dummy in all the time. I don't know if it genuinely hampers speech development in the longer term (maybe someone will know), but in the short term, it looks like it does.

Was the little girl happy to not have the dummy with her ? Did she ask for it back ?

Original poster

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 10:57

It's not the dummy thing specifically as my own dd2 has one.(dd1 didn't like them) I have said (and others have too) that the dummy being in isn't helping her talking and my friend agrees but gives it to her constantly. It is irritating being asked advice, agreed with then ignored I suppose.
And it does affect me because I look after her a lot and how can she interact properly with people when she has a dummy stuck in her gob??
Don't get why comfort items can't be kept for when the child actually needs comfort?

OP posts:

EyeballsintheSky · 26/08/2009 10:57

Isn't it just a matter of luck that your dd prefers a blanket? My dd's big comfort thing is her bottle of millk, not water, just milk. Everything I thought about toddlers with bottles of milk has gone out of the window because she's sticking to it like glue and she's so unhappy without it. I tried her with a dummy but she wasn't interested.

So YABU to bother yourself about someone else's child.

DeathbyDora · 26/08/2009 10:57

I think YANBU to be concerned that maybe the dummy isn't helping your friend's DD to develop her speech but I think YABU to be "annoyed" about it!

My DS LOVES his dummy and I have had to work very hard and have lots of battles to get him to give it up during the day. You are lucky that your DD hands it over, it isn't that straightforward for a lot of children no matter how early you start training them on the purpose of 'comfort items'.

I'm with Vlanderen, just try suggesting diplomatically that she take the dummy out next time she brings up worries about her DD's speech.

MaDuggar · 26/08/2009 10:59

My DS has yet to utter a single word (he is 17 months) and has never had a dummy, so in that respect i think YABU.

Its fine to worry about, and maybe suggest that taking the dummy out might help. But its U to be annoyed at it.

OrmIrian · 26/08/2009 11:00

I hate the bloody things but I still think YABU. It isn't your business and I daresay your friend will deal with dumping it sooner or later.

Original poster

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 11:03

My niece (2 in dec) hasn't got a dummy and isn't a fab talker and I don't think dummies specifically affect speech but they must do if the child has it in the whole time and talks with it in??
Also do realise my own dds talking is advanced for her age.
No when she's with me she doesn't ask for the dummy , I don't yank it out of her mouth and run away laughing either! I say something like lets take out the dummy to play shall we? and she does. Also see her with her GPs and childminder and she never has it then. Only seems to be when with her mum and dad or other granny.

OP posts:

cupofteaplease · 26/08/2009 11:08

My dd is 2 and she still likes her dummy (which is attached to a comfort blanket- double whammy) more than I would like her to have it. However, her speech is off the scale- she is very advanced in this area. However, I do make her remove it when she is talking. Even though I can understand her, I tell her I can't!

I think YABU though as it is up to your friend to decide when to remove the dummy and if she is seriously concerned about her speech, she will probably do so soon enough.

hocuspontas · 26/08/2009 11:09

If she's seriously worried she would ask for advice from the HV or another professional surely.

She's probably just a bit fed up with the comparisons with yours.

LovelyLulu · 26/08/2009 11:10

My 4 yr old dd speaks well and from an early age and she sucks her thumb all the time! I never gave either of my dc a dummy. I can't stop her from sucking her thumb but at least she has to take it out to play, etc. I have heard it can damage teeth, but have spoken to other people who say they sucked thumbs as children and it did no harm.

dd also has a bear that goes everywhere with her, I persuade her to leave it at home and in the car - I don't mind her having it but it gets lost!

I agree with 4andnotout other people's parenting is best left alone, but as she's asking for your opinion you could very tactfully tell her she could find out from the Health Visitor or someone if the dummy may be affecting matters at all, as you think it may be a factor

madameDefarge · 26/08/2009 11:20

Then this should have been AIBU to get annoyed at my friend who is always asking my advice but never takes it?

In which case, Yes, YABU Some of your advice may be interesting, some may be rubbish, her choice to take it or not.

Original poster

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 11:22

TBH I think she gets a bit caught up in the comparing. Her dd walked before mine and has done other stuff before mine but whenever mine does something first she tries to push (albeit gently!) hers into doing it.
I'm a SAHM and she works 3 days and 2 nights with her dd going to each set of GPs and a childminder so I think she gets a bit upset that whatever she tries to enforce is undermined/changed by other carers.
I just would prefer it if she either said 'my dd is having her dummy 24/7 and that's the way it's going to be' and stop asking for advice or follow through on what she keeps saying she agrees with.
Agree with you LovelyLuLu- when dd1 would take her blanket out with her we have spent many lost hours re tracing her steps to find it as only that one will do. At least dd2 doesn't care which dummy she has!

OP posts:

Original poster

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 11:23

Yes that's what advice is for MadameD to take or leave but why constantly ask same question and receive same answer and ignore it and still ask it!

OP posts:

Feierabend · 26/08/2009 11:36

I'd say YANBU. As far as I know, the official advice is that dummies and bottles both hinder speech development. I personally hate seeing toddlers with dummies or bottles.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/08/2009 11:49

YANBU
DS has a dummy for sleeping, and when he's very tired, and also occasionally when I'm hungover/tired/lazy. BUT that's rare. Dummies have their place but not all the time. I saw a supernanny where the two youngest had dummies surgically attached to their faces, they both had lisps, poor vocab and teeth that had grown around the dummy with a gap in the middle. Shocking. I used to think that dummies full stop were lazy parenting but what you are describing really is lazy.

Original poster

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 11:52

Thankyou Kat- I think you see where I'm coming from.
I'm not anti dummies as we use them just anti having them all the time.
Have also heard friends mum give her dd the dummy and say 'That'll shut her up..'

OP posts:

Feierabend · 26/08/2009 11:55

at 'that will shut her up'! I recently watched a mother and about 18 month old dd in the doc's waiting room. DD started chatting to herself / wriggling in her buggy. Mum gave her a dummy. DD sucked on it a little, then threw it to the floor. Mum got out a fresh one and gave it to her. DD sucked on it a little, then threw it to the floor. Mum got out a fresh one.. and so on. She had a whole box of dummies with her, maybe 6 or 7. At NO point did the little girl actually ask for one! She just starting babbling a little and wriggling. I mean WTF? Surely this 'shutting her up with a dummy before she can become a nuisance' is hindering her development in more ways than one?

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